For your first story, it doesn't seem that bad, but there are a few grammar mistakes and it seemed to go by really fast. I mean, it seems like you tried to put too many words into only a few sentences. Overall, I'd have to rate this 3/5 for now.
I like how this is a dark fiction about Pinkie Pie that doesn't involve intentional murder of close friends.
I do, however, have just a few issues that I'd like to point out to you: 1: When someone is talking and you switch to a new speaker, you need to add another indented line like so- "Hello!" said Pinkie as Cheerilee trotted up to the counter holding a bag of bits in her mouth. "What can I get for you today Miss Cheerilee?" "I'm here to pick up a batch of cupcakes for this morning's field trip to the park," Cheerilee replied setting the bits down on the counter. 2: Spelling. Just a few words had a few flubs, and to me that's like nails on a chalkboard. Other than those few words, your sentence structure is very good. I'm eager to see where you take this. 3:Rushing. Holy cupcakes Batman, is has already been a day! I know not much happens, but most ponies seem talkative (except Fluttershy), so get them to talk. What do the fillies like about the cupcakes? What happened between the times Fluttershy came and Cheerilee's arrival? How did the cupcake orders get mixed up? There's a world of possibilities to explore.
Other than those few things (I'm sorry, I'm being really picky) I like the direction of this story. I definitely want to see where this heads!
I kinda like where this is going. I am writing something dark myself. It seems absolutely rushed, like you want just feedback on the idea of your story. Its just "that happened, then that happened" no details. But I like. *track*
oh and your only protagonist is pinkie for now. You added Snips Diamond Tiara and Scotaloo as protagonists too, even though they didn't even appear (nor will they) And the media usually doesn't publish the names of victims. (unless it was an celebrity)
Too many spelling errors. Next time, before you publish something, make sure you revise it to eliminate most mistakes. Also the writing seems half-baked. If you want this to be a good story, it's gonna need some TLC. Take some time to flesh out your writing.
You have never worked in a bakery before have you? Pinkie would have a few dozen cupcakes ready to eat in the window by the time the shop opened, so I can not approve of this yet. And killing off the foals? Very sick would have been perfect but not death. That's what I think.
For your first story, it doesn't seem that bad, but there are a few grammar mistakes and it seemed to go by really fast. I mean, it seems like you tried to put too many words into only a few sentences. Overall, I'd have to rate this 3/5 for now.
179244 It's not my first story, just the first one that is not exesivly voilent or horrific.
I like how this is a dark fiction about Pinkie Pie that doesn't involve intentional murder of close friends.
I do, however, have just a few issues that I'd like to point out to you:
1: When someone is talking and you switch to a new speaker, you need to add another indented line like so-
"Hello!" said Pinkie as Cheerilee trotted up to the counter holding a bag of bits in her mouth. "What can I get for you today Miss Cheerilee?"
"I'm here to pick up a batch of cupcakes for this morning's field trip to the park," Cheerilee replied setting the bits down on the counter.
2: Spelling. Just a few words had a few flubs, and to me that's like nails on a chalkboard. Other than those few words, your sentence structure is very good. I'm eager to see where you take this.
3:Rushing. Holy cupcakes Batman, is has already been a day! I know not much happens, but most ponies seem talkative (except Fluttershy), so get them to talk. What do the fillies like about the cupcakes? What happened between the times Fluttershy came and Cheerilee's arrival? How did the cupcake orders get mixed up? There's a world of possibilities to explore.
Other than those few things (I'm sorry, I'm being really picky) I like the direction of this story. I definitely want to see where this heads!
Umm.... this totally does not remind me of Wolokai's trilogy....
"This is my first attempt at writing something serious so go easy on me."
Get rid of that. Makes your writing seem...less serious
Moar.
I kinda like where this is going. I am writing something dark myself.
It seems absolutely rushed, like you want just feedback on the idea of your story.
Its just "that happened, then that happened" no details.
But I like. *track*
oh and your only protagonist is pinkie for now. You added Snips Diamond Tiara and Scotaloo as protagonists too, even though they didn't even appear (nor will they)
And the media usually doesn't publish the names of victims. (unless it was an celebrity)
179372 The other stories I have up are not serious in the slightest and are nothing but voilence, gore, and rape.
Too many spelling errors. Next time, before you publish something, make sure you revise it to eliminate most mistakes. Also the writing seems half-baked. If you want this to be a good story, it's gonna need some TLC. Take some time to flesh out your writing.
no
not scootaloo
what in the fuck
It goes a bit fast, in one paragraph pinkie's day goes by entirely.
I laughed , i cried , it moved me
bit fast seems good though
Whoa!!! What is this MrHappyFace!?! This seems... serious... very unlike you... Good job though, time to read the next chapter
You have never worked in a bakery before have you? Pinkie would have a few dozen cupcakes ready to eat in the window by the time the shop opened, so I can not approve of this yet. And killing off the foals? Very sick would have been perfect but not death. That's what I think.