- Member Since 12th Dec, 2011
- offline last seen Apr 9th, 2012
mrhappyface
Yay! I have a Bio nw! I am a ** year old living in ********** ** ******** I am a communist and when I'm not playing Skyrim or Fapping I'm writing fics on this site. Praise Satan!
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For your first story, it doesn't seem that bad, but there are a few grammar mistakes and it seemed to go by really fast. I mean, it seems like you tried to put too many words into only a few sentences. Overall, I'd have to rate this 3/5 for now.
179244 It's not my first story, just the first one that is not exesivly voilent or horrific.
I like how this is a dark fiction about Pinkie Pie that doesn't involve intentional murder of close friends
.
I do, however, have just a few issues that I'd like to point out to you:
1: When someone is talking and you switch to a new speaker, you need to add another indented line like so-
"Hello!" said Pinkie as Cheerilee trotted up to the counter holding a bag of bits in her mouth. "What can I get for you today Miss Cheerilee?"
"I'm here to pick up a batch of cupcakes for this morning's field trip to the park," Cheerilee replied setting the bits down on the counter.
2: Spelling. Just a few words had a few flubs, and to me that's like nails on a chalkboard. Other than those few words, your sentence structure is very good. I'm eager to see where you take this.
3:Rushing. Holy cupcakes Batman, is has already been a day! I know not much happens, but most ponies seem talkative (except Fluttershy), so get them to talk. What do the fillies like about the cupcakes? What happened between the times Fluttershy came and Cheerilee's arrival? How did the cupcake orders get mixed up? There's a world of possibilities to explore.
Other than those few things (I'm sorry, I'm being really picky
) I like the direction of this story. I definitely want to see where this heads!
Umm.... this totally does not remind me of Wolokai's trilogy....
"This is my first attempt at writing something serious so go easy on me."
Get rid of that. Makes your writing seem...less serious
Moar.
I kinda like where this is going. I am writing something dark myself.
It seems absolutely rushed, like you want just feedback on the idea of your story.
Its just "that happened, then that happened" no details.
But I like. *track*
oh and your only protagonist is pinkie for now. You added Snips Diamond Tiara and Scotaloo as protagonists too, even though they didn't even appear (nor will they)
And the media usually doesn't publish the names of victims. (unless it was an celebrity)
Apparently, me saying moar gets all the things done.
179372 The other stories I have up are not serious in the slightest and are nothing but voilence, gore, and rape.
I hate sad Pinkie fics like this, but this one intrigues me. Forgive me, Pinkie, but this IS quite interesting.
Clopton. Might I guess that the next chapter has something to do with sex? I don't mean to spoil anything but on some of these fics I like to play guessing games like these. Great story & chapter! Don't give up now! I want to know more about Clopton.
Seems pretty good so far, interested to see how the plot thickens.
Umm, nice spelling.
t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcR2fbFcoEcBUqYqSfwHjw338khmMxuPw0_6-xK4cjnM_EdMPrRH
Too many spelling errors. Next time, before you publish something, make sure you revise it to eliminate most mistakes. Also the writing seems half-baked. If you want this to be a good story, it's gonna need some TLC. Take some time to flesh out your writing.
179809 I actually got the name from a story on the Explicit pony fanfiction archive called Clopton Nights
Not to be a hater, but spelling. Work on it. Slight improvement from the beginning in terms of plot.
lots of grammar errors
good writing, but the story seems...iffy
Taco cutie mark? Dude, Mexican drug joke in MLP. Now that's dark.
I hate to talk down to writers (I really do, Applejack's honesty), but the spelling errors do throw me off the story a bit. Run it through a spellcheck and flesh it out a bit and there's a real diamond in the rough here. Probably a blood diamond
Edit for mrhappyface's answer below: Difference between politically incorrect and racist :) That's just funny.
180534 It wasn't ment to be rasict I just coldn't think ofanything else
the idea is great, but the execution could use some work.
dude I would take this a whole hell of a lot more serious if the spelling wasn't so god awful
185346 Sorry, I let my sister use my computer for 5 fucking minutes and the next thing I new Microsoft word and every word editing software on my computer was deleted. I know my spelling sucks and will try to fix it in the future.
THE SPELLING HAS BEEN FIXED!
Great chapter, kinda shirt but I'm ok with that.
As for making it a clopfic or not, that's mostly up to you, I'm enjoying the story, but in all honesty, i don't see how this could stay teen rated much longer
I think I'm done with this story.
First I was like "Okay another one about Pinkie killing somepony", than I was like "Okay...shes addicted to cocaine" and finally I was like
"Buck not a clopfic with some bug eyed cocaine selling pony"
Aw shit, how long was that "someone make this into a clopfic" note up?
I swear to god I did not put that in there. 
Aw well please disregard it I'm taking this down as we speak.
'
Aww shit this is getting good!
The spelling was perfect man! It added so much affect to it!
holy shit
i laughed as much as i cringed
does that make me a bad person?
keep it coming my friend
that is all
kthanxbai
211475 Here's an easy way to tell if you're a bad person or not, read my other story The super happy magical friendship adventures of Twilight Sparkle (It's rated mature BTW) and if you laugh or like it then you are a horrible person.
Hey there is some mistakes bro
"Her coat was the same color as fluttershy's and her cutie mark were 2 crossed rainbow lollie pops with smiley faces on them."
Sorry but I am a grammar/spelling Nazi
211796 Thanks for that, I'll fix it as soon as I can. Allow me to thank you with the Friendship is magic theme song........In RUSSIAN!
Мой маленький пони, мой маленький пони, аааа Мой маленький пони, я часто думаю, что дружба может быть! Мой маленький пони, пока вы не все разделяли это волшебство со мной! Большие приключения, тонны удовольствия, красивым сердце, Фейтфул и сильный, Обмен Доброта, это просто подвиг и магии делает все это полная! Мой маленький пони! Разве вы не знаете, что ваш мой самый лучший друг!
Good Day
Consider carefully what your concept is in this story, I think this could be pretty good without becoming permanently cloppy or overly-explicit. I think some more detail on the way in and some lead-in here would be good. In particular, more detail on her impression of the setting as she follows him
Your portrayal of pinkie seems way too accepting of something it's not clear if she knows much about really from the show, although you're certainly allowed to change the nature of the ponies some, I just feel like you should make it more clear. I doubt this would fit Pinkie even while depressed. If you want here to be SUPER-depressed, you should probably extend the earlier story with her having the Pinkie Pie equivalent of Rarity's mental breakdown in the the episode "Suited for Success" and lengthen it so she can mope and talk to herself and cry and whatnot. A day or two of serious tragic thinking shouldn't be taken as more than grief perhaps by other ponies and not cause for Equestria's happiest pony to run off forever.
It's also a tad odd that the others don't expression more concern and desire for brash intervention, although her surprise departure would make sense. They would probably try and find her, but they probably wouldn't assume she'd do what she did, if you want to resolve this by Pinkie Pie going back to Ponyville. Also, even if she did, these are permanent life-changing "personality-altering" events in a pony's life.
211935 Thank you for your input good sir, While I intened for the other ponies to find Pinkie eventually, I have assumed that it's because Clopton is such a horrible place that they never dreamed of Pinkie going there. Also I do intend to show what's going on with the mane six in ponyville in perhapps... lets say, 1 or 2 more chapters.
Good Day
211934 weren't the nazis German
?
212040 yes.....so?
they would speak German bro
213555 Yes but I di not post that in a different language because he was a nazi, but because I just felt like it at the time and russian was the first one that popped into my head.
no
not scootaloo
what in the fuck
oh god
Not bad. Still a few spelling and grammar errors, the clop was a bit short (come to think of it, so is every chapter), but other than that not bad.
It goes a bit fast, in one paragraph pinkie's day goes by entirely.
I have only one reaction to this, good sir. One only Spike can display and that is..!
Im liking this story a lot, cant wait to see how it ends.
On a side note, i think Pinkie is somewhat like this right now.
I laughed
, i cried 
, it moved me 
That was good.
I wish i had a machine to clone myslef with, so i could hi-five myself after reading one of these fanfictions. 
These comments are halarious.
What a way to end another amazing chapter! Glad i wasn't drinking anything while on this page.
These are way more interesting to read than ninety percent of the other logical stories on this site. Pinkie smoking crack!