• Published 1st Mar 2013
  • 3,649 Views, 86 Comments

A Lifeboat Made for Two - Brainhorn

Anon and Rarity hate each other, but when they get stranded on a desert island, can they work together to stay alive?

  • ...

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

You had gone to Canterlot for the wedding. Not knowing either Princess Cadence or Shining Armor made it a bit akward, but everyone insisted you go. After the Changlings attacked, you did your best to help the girls fight them off. Sure, they eventually overpowered all of you, but everything worked out in the end. The power of love and all that bullshit.

After the wedding was over, Celestia decided you all deserved a reward for your bravery. You didn't actually accomplish anything, but you didn't tell her that. A reward is a reward. She treated you all to a luxury cruise. Everyone was invited. Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Twilight, Apple Jack, Rainbow Dash, and... ugh. Rarity.

You didn't like Rarity, and Rarity didn't like you, and neither of you hid the fact. To you, Rarity was a stuck up, condescending bitch. To Rarity, you were a brutish, uncouth barbarian. The others teased you about it, mostly Rainbow Dash and Applejack; constantly making remarks about unresolved sexual tension and the like. But, whatever. Shouldn't dwell on that cunt. You've got a cruise to enjoy.

You're sitting in a deck chair by the pool. Pinkie Pie is swimming, and Fluttershy is floating in a pool lounger, but you're content to sit back and relax with a drink. Whiskey on the rocks. Who knew they had whiskey in Equestria? Out of the corner of your eye, you see Rarity circling the pool toward you, wearing gaudy sunglasses and an over sized sun hat. Oh boy, here we go.

She stops a few feet away from you.


She's obviously trying to get your attention.

"Hmmph!" She tries again, a little louder.

Yeah, not biting, lady.

Finally, she gives up and says what's on her mind.

"My my, Anonymous, drinking such hard alcohol! Surely a little self control wouldn't hurt, hmm?"

Rainbow Dash snickers. You know you should just let it roll off your back. You should just ignore her until she walks away. You really should.

"Well, Rarity, some of us can hold our alcohol and won't put out for anything with a heartbeat after one glass of cider."

Rarity's face turns red with anger, her composure slipping. Applejack chuckles, and Rainbow Dash falls off her chair laughing.

"Why don't you two just buck already?" She says, wiping the tears from her eyes.

Rarity huffs indignantly. "Rainbow Dash! How could you ever suggest I would ever lower myself to mate with such a... such a..."

She harrumphs and walks to her own chair, located annoying close to yours. As the day goes on, you and Rarity trade put-downs, as the others laugh and roll their eyes. The two of you also consume a lot more alcohol than you should have, and by sundown, it's showing. With you groan, you stumble out of your chair, your vision swirling.

Fluttershy and Twilight already went to bed. Applejack was still lounging in her chair, and Rainbow Dash was swimming around the pool, using her wings to propel her at insane speeds.

"I think I'm going to go lay down, now."

"Alright. G'night, sugarcube!" Applejack says with a wave. Rainbow Dash either doesn't hear you or ignores you, and Rarity just lets out a "hmmf." You stick your tongue out at her with a "nyah" and spit at her. Not the most mature thing to do, but you're too trashed to care. Turning around, you walk toward the rooms.

When you get to the door, before entering, you decide to look over the side. The sun setting over the edge of the water is quite a sight. You can't help but think you would appreciate it more if you were sober. An empty cocktail glass flying past your head pulls you from the view.

You turn to where it came from, and see Rarity standing down the deck from you.

"The hell do you want?" You slur.

"I've had just about enough of you!" She says, advancing toward you.

You turn and prepare for her. Using her magic, she pulls a life preserver off the wall and launches it all you. In her drunken state, she completely misses, but it's enough to show you she means business. You've never seen her so angry before. Seems she's a mean drunk. Regardless, you try to back away from her, but you hit the railing. Rarity tries to charge you, but stumbles too much to get any real speed going. In your state, you can't even dodge her as she leaps at you.

She plows nose first into your stomach, pushing you over the railing. You desperately grab for something, but only manage to pull Rarity over the railing with you. Thankfully there's a lifeboat hanging right behind you and land safely inside it. You take the opportunity to pin her underneath you.

"Get OFF me, you fiend!"

"Stop attacking me, you bitch!"

Rarity headbutts you in the chest. It doesn't have much force behind it, but her horn jabs into you, forcing you to back off. She wiggles out from under you and jumps to the other side of the boat. She smirks as she squares of with you.

"It's really not surprising you're so violent. It must be so frustrating being all alone in this world."

You laugh at her.

"You tell me! You're the one who'd rather make all those gaudy outfits than find yourself a stallion!"

"How... DARE you!?" she's shaking with rage now. Oh, it seems you struck a nerve. She's gritting her teeth with tears in her eyes as she jumps at you again. You catch her in the air out of the air. She struggles helplessly against your grasp, before breaking down crying.

Despite everything that happened, you felt bad. You hold her for a minute while she cries before awkwardly pulling her into a hug. She sobs into your chest before looking up at you. The look on her face shows she's still as angry as ever. She bares her teeth at you before suddenly lunging at your face. It happens faster than you can react.

Instead of headbutting you like you expected, she starts kissing you. At first, you're too stunned to react, but you quickly return the kiss. Rarity uses her body weight to push you down onto your back. The force of your body hitting the bottom rattles the rusted restraints on the lifeboat, and finally it falls free. Just as your drunken mind registers that you're falling, the lifeboat hits the water. The impact slams your head into the bottom of the boat, knocking you out cold.


Oh GOD. Your head feels like a cannon went off inside it.


You sit up sputtering as water splashes your face.

"What the hell happened?" you slur, mouth still half full of water. You slowly begin to remember what had happened.

"Oh god. What did we..."

"You are NEVER to mention that!" Rarity yells, blushing furiously.

"Oh fuck, don't yell!" you say, grabbing your head. You look around and see nothing nothing but water.

"Anonymous... where is the boat?"

Panic sets in as you slowly realize what happened.

"I think it's gone, Rarity."

Her face is expressionless for a moment before she lets out a terrible screech.


"STOP YELLING, YOU FUCKING CUNT! And how is this MY fault!? YOU attacked ME!"

"Because you spit on me!"

"Because you were being a bitch!

"Because...!" Rarity grits her teeth for a moment, before taking a deep breath. "Ok. Passing the blame back and forth won't get us out of this situation."

"You're right. So, what do we do?"

She sits down on her haunches, defeated.

"I don't know."

You can't help but utter an irritated sigh.

"Well, great. That's just fucking great."

End chapter 1

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