"Royalty"

by RickHammersteel

Chapter 2

Celestia looked down on her most faithful student,”Twilight...”

“Imsorryimsorryididntmeanit” Twilight cried into the floor

“Twilight.”

“Ithoughtyouwereaprowlerimsosorry”

“Twilight!” Celestia shouted.

Twilight’s tear-stained face looked up,”Yes?”

“It’s alright, you were just trying to defend your home, so no, I’m not going to banish you and put you in a cage where I banished you, alright?” Celestia smiled.

“You’re not?” Twilight breathed a sigh of relief,”So why are you here, Princess?”

“Because I need your help.”

“For what? Has the Changeling Queen returned? Did Discord break out again? Has the royal cooking staff summoned another eldritch abomination?” Twilight asked, standing up immediately.

“No, I just need the Elements of Harmony so I could banish my sister to the moon.”Celestia said with a stern look in her eyes.

Twilight gasped,”Luna became Nightmare Moon again!?”

Celestia turned away,”Yes, however she has decided to find the Elements as well, so she could banish me, and become the sole ruler.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow,”Wait, why banish her when we could just cure her again?”

Celestia just stared into the rows of books, then she turned to Twilight” you can’t cure her again, she’s just too far gone...”

“...Why?” Twilight shook her head.

Darn it, why must you be so inquisitive? Celestia thought,”Look, My faithful student, you trust me right?”

“Of course I do! You were my mother figure for several years after all.” Twilight said.

“Then you will follow help me no matter what, right?”

“Well, truth is, Celestia, what you are saying right now has some holes in it and I’m not gullible.” Twilight looked at her teacher.

Celestia stomped her hoof a bit,Well, time for my last resort, Celestia teleported a book in front of her. Using her telekinesis, she waved the book in front of Twilight’s face,”This is Creatures and Other Inhabitants of Equus, written by Clover the Clever. It’s not Starswirl the Bearded’s journal, but it does have some interesting stuff.”

Twilight’s eyes followed the book,”Like what?” she said, amazed.

“Oh, information on various monsters, demons, creatures you’ve never even seen before like the Amnopterix...”

“The Ahm-no what?” Twilight was drooling as her entire head was following the book.

“Read the book and find out! Oh, I should also mention that this is the unabridged version, and I’ll only give it to you if you help me.”

Twilight leaped up and grabbed the book,”I’ll do it!” She said, cuddling the book.

---

Fluttershy flew around the large bird-like thing, her hooves rubbing each of its rainbow colored feathers. She soon landed, her head only reaching the middle of the bird’s four long legs,”There, you don’t have to worry about those nasty maxterix parasites anymore, Mister Amnopterix.”

The bird squawked as its three beady eyes looked towards the buttery pegasus. It flapped its wings as it headed back into the forest.

Fluttershy smiled, then she walked back to her cottage...where she noticed her door was cracked open,”(Gasps) Has a another prowler come to take away my animals? I hope he or she doesn’t meet Angel...”

She peeked through her long, wooden door, and she sees a dark blue figure, wearing royal regalia backing away something,”Stay away from me, you spawn of Tartarus!” the figure said.

Fluttershy crept closer into the room to see what the figure was afraid of. She looked at the small flying object in front of the alicorn’s face: a monarch butterfly. She looked at the princess before her,”Um, Princess, you’re afraid of butterflies?”

Luna’s scared face turned to her subject,”YES, I’VE HATED THE THINGS EVER SINCE I WAS A FILLY!”

Fluttershy nodded and flew up to the insect,”Excuse me, Gertrude, but you need to go back home,” she led it to a window in the back of the room. She opened it and the monarch flew off,”There, its gone now.” Fluttershy smiled.

Luna let out a deep breath,”Thank you, Don’t mention that little fear of mine to anyone, please?” She put her hoof over her heart.

“Well, there’s nothing wrong with that fear, but I’ll never mention it to anyone.” Fluttershy nodded,”Why are you here, if you don’t my asking that is...”

“I need your help,Lady Fluttershy, for my sister...is being a jerk!” Luna gritted her teeth,”So,I must gather the Elements to banish her!”

“W-what? Have you tried to talk to her, maybe?” Fluttershy squeaked.

“Talking to her is what showed me that she needs to go to the sun!”

Fluttershy gulped,“W-w-well, aren’t you overrea-”

“I’m glad you decided to help me!” Luna grabbed the pink-maned mare in her magic and floated her out the door.

“Eeep!” was the sound that the pegasus made.

---

In Celestia’s room, the white unicorn mare with a mop cutie mark rummaged through the princess’ drawer. She moved the various gold horseshoes and necklaces until she tapped her hoof on a false bottom. She smiled as she opened it to reveal a piece of paper,”The map! Now I’m one step closer to becoming ruler of the discos! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Clean Wipe, what are you laughing about-” Cadance looked into the room to see the still laughing janitor, she gasped,”Were you rummaging through my aunt’s drawer? You pervert!” the alicorn frowned,”I’m docking your pay for this.”

---

“Um, Princess?”

“Yes my faithful student?”

“You’re kinda getting attention,” Twilight said, looking at the various denizens of Ponyville either bowing before their princess, looking astonished, or being just apathetic.

“I’ve noticed, but in order to defend myself in case a certain sister decides to attack, I need to be in my normal form,” Celestia walked towards Sugarcube Corner.

“But, she won’t attack you if you disguise yourself. She won’t know what you’ll look like.” Twilight put a hoof on the door.

“Trust me, she has mind beams... ” Celestia’s eyes narrowed.

Twilight just raised an eyebrow as they walked in. They headed towards the counter, where Mr. Cake was manning the register. The yellow stallion gulped as he saw the sun alicorn.

“Um, Welcome back, Princess,” He gave smile.

Celestia frowned at Mr. Cake’s rather nervous look,”Why must they always be nervous around me?”

“Because their entire business depends on you not saying that they’re terrible?” Twilight said.

“Really!?” Celestia blinked,”But I do like them! Although, while I’m here” She teleported a big bag of bits,”Here, put a branch of Sugarcube Corner in Canterlot.”

Carrot Cake grinned, then he turned around,”Hey Pinkie!”

Pinkie Pie suddenly appeared out of nowhere,”Yes, Mr. Cake?”

Carrot put the bag of money onto Pinkie’s back,”Take this and get us a branch in Canterlot!”

“Yes sir!” Pinkie saluted with her hoof, and sped out of the building in a flash.

“But...I...needed her...” Celestia held out a hoof.

Comments

[Luminary]

Struggling Authors, Requesting Feedback fic? Check. Uses actual FiM characters? Check. Alicorns? Triple check.
Whee!

Okay! First and foremost, give the prologue a look through for formatting. Don't put it off. Fix it, asap. It's needed desperately. Your indentation is all over the place. Completely missing in some areas, present in others. Some paragraphs have no empty line between them. Lots of places have no space where there should be one. Especially leading into quotations. example from the first paragraph: "...foul stench,”Uggh!...." Put a space in front of that quote, after the comma. Well... not that it should be a comma.

Don't use commas in places like that. Grammar is not my strong suit, but as far as I know, you only use it only when you're using a verb directly related to the character providing the dialogue. Said, whispered, shouted, thought, explained, etcetera but not, say, blinked. Or any other action not related to spouting words, or thinking.

Luna blinked,”I didn’t leave you! I overslept!” should be Luna blinked. "I didn't leave you! I overslept!"
Also, it works that way on the other side.
"I didn't leave you! I overslept." The dark alicorn blinked. not "I didn't leave you! I overslept," the dark alicorn blinked.

I know all this sounds nitpicky, but you need to be doubly careful at the start of your story. If it looks like a mess, many people are going to assume you don't care, and are thus going to move on to the million and a half other fics coming available to read on FiMFiction every day. Chapter One is far better for indenting and paragraph spacing, but you still seem to never put a space after commas and ellipses. It makes it look amateurish, but your writing level is above that, so try to avoid the wrong impression.

Now, on to less solid things.

The idea is cute, and could definitely work as a comedy!
But you need more.

I get it. Immature sisterly squabble getting far out of hand. Much hilarity ensues. Just because it's a comedy, however, doesn't mean you get a free pass with setting it up (Or with anything, really). Right now it just seems to come out of nowhere. They come right out the gate looking for blood, and directly start with callously picking at old, painful wounds. There's no escalation at all. At the very least you could have added a bit of weariness. Maybe a mention of it being the dozenth time they've had the same argument. Something. Anything more than the guards saying "Meh. Sisters fight. It isn't serious. OHCRAP.".

I like Trickster!Celestia as a character in general. I'm totally willing to accept that as a consequence of being downright bored, after a thousand years. She just doesn't really seem clever enough here. The book thing was adorable, and funny, but a bit overt (And Twi gives in too easily, even for the bookworm stereotype).

I did like Luna though. Very direct. Very honest. Very obtuse. Very Luna. She doesn't bother with deception, just flat out saying that Celestia is being a bitch. (Which she is.)

Anyway, as mentioned last chapter by Befram, this story has a great deal of potential to be very fun! You've got the skills to pull it off, and your particular style seems fitting for comedy. You don't get bogged down where you should, indeed, make things buzz along. I wish I had that particular skill!

I think that instinct for brisk pacing (which is mostly a positive!) has led you astray in a few places. If I was you, I would go back and bulk out the prologue some, to make give us a better clue that the Sisters are at wit's end with eachother, and why. Also, don't rush the jokes. Have Twi sweat and try to resist the temptation of the book for a while, for example, since she clearly knows Celestia is just being a big foal. Have her totally be guilty when she caves, but still be clinging to the book like a life preserver. It makes the pay off better, and makes it seem less out of character. Twi is pretty mature, and responsible, when she isn't being naive and nerdy. You can't just throw out the non-funny character traits, after all. It'll seem... weird.

Anyway, keep it up, just be mindful. We could always use more Royal Sister comedies, and this one could be worth some laughs!

[RickHammersteel]

2226487

Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate it because I really want to improve.

I think I will edit the prologue, but I'm probably going to wait a bit before I do things like change the dialogue, mainly because I need time to think on what the characters should say. I agree with what you said, though: the beginning does need some work, story wise.

[Alchemystudent]

Name of Story: Royalty

Grammer score: 7 out of 10

Pros:
The story is very funny as the idea of Luna and Celestia pitting the mane six against one another in a bid to win is unique.

Fluttershy, Twilight, and Pinkie feel nicely in character

The hidden foreshadowing of something else is going on is intriguing
Cons:
Some comma splices could be fixed

The prolouge feels a little rushed, as it feels like we go from "Small argument" to "ALL OUT WAR" in the span of five sentances

Th reasoning for why Celestia is not in a mortal form feels flat, I would like for her to have at least one reason for why she cant hide such as stating "Luna has mind beams Twilight, big FRAKKIN mind beams"
Notes:
This story has great potiental to be a madcap comedy with a decent plot. It has the ability to demonstrate some awesome comedy bits as the jokes hit the right places (the creature was adorable sounding as I could see it in my head). While at the same time, I do think there needs to be a little more plot here and there to allow for room to breathe. This is mainly true of the canterlot scenes where I feel like we go instant into the plot points.

[RickHammersteel]

2258407

Who are you to tell me about comma splices? I'm one of your editors! Thank you very much. I will take your criticisms to heart, and I hope I can improve on these things.

[khatre]

I Love stories that are written the way my mind works ..

Carrot Cake grinned, then he turned around,”Hey Pinkie!”

Pinkie Pie suddenly appeared out of nowhere,”Yes, Mr. Cake?”

Carrot put the bag of money onto Pinkie’s back,”Take this and get us a branch in Canterlot!”

“Yes sir!” Pinkie saluted with her hoof, and sped out of the building in a flash.

one awesome scene flowing to another without detracting from each other.
and all of them Hilarious!

[Shard The Ice]

At the ending I imagine Pinkie popping in like a balloon and then popping out.