• Member Since 21st Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen March 17th

RickHammersteel


Aspiring hack writer

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Source

Celestia and Luna have an argument due to mysterious circumstances. Now, intent on banishing the other sister, they go to Ponyville to find the Bearers of the Elements of Harmony.

(Set before the Crystal Empire, but after A Canterlot Wedding.)

Cover art by Shadowwind182

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 25 )

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group:Authors helping Authors

Name of Story: Royalty

Grammer score: 7 out of ten

Pros:

It's an idea with potential to fold out in quite an amusing manner, I can imagine Celestia and Luna ending up in a power struggle to win all the elements obedience with some rather ridiculous attempts from both of them.

The story doesn't spend an eternity to reach the point it need to really start, mainly Celestia and Luna getting into an arguement and then ending with Celestia in ponyville, making the reader wonder exactly what will happen now. A well placed cliffhanger.

The personalities of Luna and Celestia, the little I got to read seemed to suit them quite nicely. Celestia being the calm one with her insults and calmly sipping her tea while Luna visibly raises her voice.

Cons:

There are some grammatical errors in the story, some examples would be "she closed a bottle in her magic", "Its a good thing" instead of it's. Small mistakes that stand out but can be easily fixed with a readthrough. Besides errors like that which are easily made I didn't notice anything wrong with the grammar.

Still, besides what I said about it being good you didn't waste time getting to the important part of the story I can't help feeling it was a bit too rushed and it could just be a bit more fleshed out, the interractions between Luna and Celestia mainly. However this problem might just be for this first chapter and not present in the next chapter in which, as I see it, the real story begins.

Notes:

All in all I feel that the plot has potential to fold out in an amusing manner, the idea of Luna and Celestia in a contest to win over the elements to their cause a great one. Besides what I said about Celestia and Luna I don't have much more to add besides that I believe the story can fold out quite amusingly but that it may need a bit more fleshing out.
It's a story with potential I feel

And with that our debt is settled.

2207756

Don't worry, I'm actually working on the next chapter as we speak. Your comment made my day by the way.

2208313
That's good to hear. Really, good to hear.
Or read, whatever.

Struggling Authors, Requesting Feedback fic? Check. Uses actual FiM characters? Check. Alicorns? Triple check.
Whee!

Okay! First and foremost, give the prologue a look through for formatting. Don't put it off. Fix it, asap. It's needed desperately. Your indentation is all over the place. Completely missing in some areas, present in others. Some paragraphs have no empty line between them. Lots of places have no space where there should be one. Especially leading into quotations. example from the first paragraph: "...foul stench,”Uggh!...." Put a space in front of that quote, after the comma. Well... not that it should be a comma.

Don't use commas in places like that. Grammar is not my strong suit, but as far as I know, you only use it only when you're using a verb directly related to the character providing the dialogue. Said, whispered, shouted, thought, explained, etcetera but not, say, blinked. Or any other action not related to spouting words, or thinking.

Luna blinked,”I didn’t leave you! I overslept!” should be Luna blinked. "I didn't leave you! I overslept!"
Also, it works that way on the other side.
"I didn't leave you! I overslept." The dark alicorn blinked. not "I didn't leave you! I overslept," the dark alicorn blinked.

I know all this sounds nitpicky, but you need to be doubly careful at the start of your story. If it looks like a mess, many people are going to assume you don't care, and are thus going to move on to the million and a half other fics coming available to read on FiMFiction every day. Chapter One is far better for indenting and paragraph spacing, but you still seem to never put a space after commas and ellipses. It makes it look amateurish, but your writing level is above that, so try to avoid the wrong impression.

Now, on to less solid things.

The idea is cute, and could definitely work as a comedy! :pinkiehappy:
But you need more. :pinkiesad2:

I get it. Immature sisterly squabble getting far out of hand. Much hilarity ensues. Just because it's a comedy, however, doesn't mean you get a free pass with setting it up (Or with anything, really). Right now it just seems to come out of nowhere. They come right out the gate looking for blood, and directly start with callously picking at old, painful wounds. There's no escalation at all. At the very least you could have added a bit of weariness. Maybe a mention of it being the dozenth time they've had the same argument. Something. Anything more than the guards saying "Meh. Sisters fight. It isn't serious. OHCRAP.".

I like Trickster!Celestia as a character in general. I'm totally willing to accept that as a consequence of being downright bored, after a thousand years. She just doesn't really seem clever enough here. The book thing was adorable, and funny, but a bit overt (And Twi gives in too easily, even for the bookworm stereotype).

I did like Luna though. Very direct. Very honest. Very obtuse. Very Luna. She doesn't bother with deception, just flat out saying that Celestia is being a bitch. (Which she is.)

Anyway, as mentioned last chapter by Befram, this story has a great deal of potential to be very fun! You've got the skills to pull it off, and your particular style seems fitting for comedy. You don't get bogged down where you should, indeed, make things buzz along. I wish I had that particular skill!

I think that instinct for brisk pacing (which is mostly a positive!) has led you astray in a few places. If I was you, I would go back and bulk out the prologue some, to make give us a better clue that the Sisters are at wit's end with eachother, and why. Also, don't rush the jokes. Have Twi sweat and try to resist the temptation of the book for a while, for example, since she clearly knows Celestia is just being a big foal. Have her totally be guilty when she caves, but still be clinging to the book like a life preserver. It makes the pay off better, and makes it seem less out of character. Twi is pretty mature, and responsible, when she isn't being naive and nerdy. You can't just throw out the non-funny character traits, after all. It'll seem... weird.

Anyway, keep it up, just be mindful. We could always use more Royal Sister comedies, and this one could be worth some laughs!

2226487

Thanks for the feedback! I appreciate it because I really want to improve.

I think I will edit the prologue, but I'm probably going to wait a bit before I do things like change the dialogue, mainly because I need time to think on what the characters should say. I agree with what you said, though: the beginning does need some work, story wise.

Name of Story: Royalty

Grammer score: 7 out of 10

Pros:
The story is very funny as the idea of Luna and Celestia pitting the mane six against one another in a bid to win is unique.

Fluttershy, Twilight, and Pinkie feel nicely in character

The hidden foreshadowing of something else is going on is intriguing
Cons:
Some comma splices could be fixed

The prolouge feels a little rushed, as it feels like we go from "Small argument" to "ALL OUT WAR" in the span of five sentances

Th reasoning for why Celestia is not in a mortal form feels flat, I would like for her to have at least one reason for why she cant hide such as stating "Luna has mind beams Twilight, big FRAKKIN mind beams"
Notes:
This story has great potiental to be a madcap comedy with a decent plot. It has the ability to demonstrate some awesome comedy bits as the jokes hit the right places (the creature was adorable sounding as I could see it in my head). While at the same time, I do think there needs to be a little more plot here and there to allow for room to breathe. This is mainly true of the canterlot scenes where I feel like we go instant into the plot points.

2258407

Who are you to tell me about comma splices? I'm one of your editors! Thank you very much. I will take your criticisms to heart, and I hope I can improve on these things.

Battle lines are being drawn. Two for Luna, one for Celestia.

I Love stories that are written the way my mind works ..

Carrot Cake grinned, then he turned around,”Hey Pinkie!”

Pinkie Pie suddenly appeared out of nowhere,”Yes, Mr. Cake?”

Carrot put the bag of money onto Pinkie’s back,”Take this and get us a branch in Canterlot!”

“Yes sir!” Pinkie saluted with her hoof, and sped out of the building in a flash.

one awesome scene flowing to another without detracting from each other.
and all of them Hilarious! :twilightsmile:

2547508

Thank you for the review! I'll get to your story as soon as I can, It does sound interesting.

Yeah, I do seem to have problems with paragraphs, I do want to try and fix that.

This story is stupid
...
...
...
That must be why I want to read this

....Okay this is just getting sillier and sillier.

Yay! :yay:

2833741

Wow! I completely lol'd! What a bizarre coincidence:rainbowlaugh:

Hello. I'm here on behalf of the Good Grammar Directory, which your story was submitted to. I'm sorry to say that this story has been rejected.

The story (the prologue, specifically) was littered with grammar and formatting errors, as well as typos.

I understand that you may not want to make changes, or you yourself may not have submitted your story to our group in the first place. However, if you'd like your story to be included in our group, I'd suggest finding a proofreader. If you make changes and want to try submitting again, feel free to pm me, and I'll take another look. Otherwise, have a good day. :)

3614286

Thank you very much for your time!

Geez, you leave for five minutes and the babysitter sets the place on fire.

3751376

That one time!


Ahhh, its finished, and once again, the author finds ways to send me into madness

That was different.

At the ending I imagine Pinkie popping in like a balloon and then popping out.:pinkiehappy::rainbowlaugh:

Dear Princess Cadence, HOW DO YOU RULE YOUR KINGDOM WITHOUT DESTROYING IT!?!:facehoof::flutterrage:

Of all 3 of your pony tales, this is my favorite! Great job, sweetie! -hugs-

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