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Chapter 1

Luna walked down the long hallway, Her hooves knocking against the marble floor. She looked at the various stain glass windows, each telling a different story. She smiled as she placed a hoof on the large twin doors leading to the dining room. The doors were decorated with the images of the sun and the moon intertwined with each other. It was then she smelled a foul stench. ”Uggh! What smells like zombie pony sweat?” Luna muttered to herself as she walked through the doors.

In the shadows, a white unicorn mare chuckled to herself as she closed a bottle in her magic,”Yes, my plan is now in motion.” She walked away...then she bumped into one of the royal guard. The surprisingly large guardian mare glared at her and pointed a hoof at a nearby closet. The mysterious unicorn was about to protest, but the guard’s snarl took away her willpower, thus she took out her Super Special Janitor’s Mop Named Moppy from said closet and started her routine cleaning.

Luna sat down at the large, mahogany table. It was decorated with an equally large tablecloth that had sunflowers adorning the edges. However, to Luna, it was a shame it was covered, as the table itself was decorated with various amounts of rubies and sapphires; it was Sombra’s answer to their negotiations about a thousand years ago, so it could be assumed that her big sis couldn’t remove the bloodstains.

There seemed to be a sense of unease around the room. Luna looked at her sister on the other side. She looked unusually stern, and she was quiet. Celestia was never quiet at their dinners. ”’Tia, is something wrong?” Luna asked.

“Oh, nothing. I may still be a little mad about that time you left me at the holey hooves of the Changeling Queen, and I got stuck in a gross cocoon for a few hours!” Celestia said with a grin.

Luna blinked, ”I didn’t leave you! I overslept!”

“Oh, oversleeping! I see, so you became a heavy sleeper. So heavy in fact, that you slept through an entire invasion.” Celestia sipped her tea.

“Well excuse me for learning to be a heavy sleeper after you put me in the moon for a thousand years!”

“Oh, I’m so sorry you tried to kill everything on the planet.” Celestia put her cup down

“Hey, I didn’t know what I was thinking at the time!”

“Sure you didn’t, that’s why you actually written out a speech on why only the moon should be up in the sky.”

A royal guard pony leaned on the cold wall. His gold armor resting on his body. He listened to the argument and sighed to himself. It was nothing new for him to hear two siblings bicker. After all, he had a little sister and they tended to bicker quite a bit. His partner, somepony who has been a guardspony longer than he had, thought differently.

“Don’t you think we should get in there?” The guard asked.

“Spear, relax. I know one of them used to be evil, but I assure you nothing’s going to happen other than maybe a thrown table or two.”

That was when a scream was heard and a flash of light was seen. The two guards ran into the dining room to find...nothing there.

“Oh, buck. EMERGENCY! CALL ALL THE ROYAL GUARDS!” Spear yelled.

Princess Cadance paced along the throne room. It had been a few hours since Celestia and Luna had gone missing. The pink alicorn frowned as she stopped to take a look at the front doors.

Shining Armor had burst through the door, his mane a bit of a mess,”I’m sorry, hon, but we can’t find them anywhere in the city!”

Cadance sighed,”Then I guess we’ll have to get a search party going for the entire country.” She shook her head,”If only we had something to help us find them, but until we find them, I’ll have to act as princess!” She said, her wings spreading outward.

“Are you sure? Do you want me help you?” Shining asked.

“No, Shining, you have to gather a team to find my aunts. I’ll be fine, don’t worry.” Cadance trotted over to the throne.

“That only makes me worry more. I don’t know if you can handle both the Day and Night courts.” Shining trotted over next to his wife.

“Well, if Auntie Tia could do it, so could I!” Cadence smilad,”Besides, I don’t trust Blueblood with ruling of any sorts. Its a good thing that he’s still panicking in his room.” she noted the loud, muffled screaming and galloping in another room in the castle.

Shining shuddered. The thought of Blueblood ruling was scary:

Blueblood’s statue stood in the precipice of the flames. screams were heard as many ponies ran for their lives from the cruel monsters that were once guards.

“Go my minions of the dark! Go, and wreck havoc amongst the simple charltons that dare call my make-up horrid!” Blueblood stomped his hoof.

Cadance shook her head,”Nah, I don't think Blueblood could handle minions of the dark.”

Shining stared at her.

“You tend to think out loud for some reason.” Cadance answered his intended question.

Shining gulped,”Well, I take after my dad in that respect...Anyway, I’d better get going,” he peck the alicorn on the cheek,”Don’t overwork yourself.”

“I could say the same to you, Shining.” Cadance sighed, watching her husband leave.

Twilight closed her book. She yawned as she put her Bookworms Monthly bookmark into its midsection. The unicorn had started up the stairs when she heard a strange clanging noise. She gasped,”That must be another prowler trying to take my books away!” She whispered to herself as she walked slowly to one of the backrooms. Another book levitating above her as she opened the door slowly. She peeked inside and immediately threw the book at a random shadowy figure. Her body slowly went pale as she saw who she hit.

“Ow, those hardcovers really hurt!” Celestia muttered, rubbing her ear.

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Befram

Befram #1 · Feb 28th, 2013 · · ·

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group:Authors helping Authors

Name of Story: Royalty

Grammer score: 7 out of ten

Pros:

It's an idea with potential to fold out in quite an amusing manner, I can imagine Celestia and Luna ending up in a power struggle to win all the elements obedience with some rather ridiculous attempts from both of them.

The story doesn't spend an eternity to reach the point it need to really start, mainly Celestia and Luna getting into an arguement and then ending with Celestia in ponyville, making the reader wonder exactly what will happen now. A well placed cliffhanger.

The personalities of Luna and Celestia, the little I got to read seemed to suit them quite nicely. Celestia being the calm one with her insults and calmly sipping her tea while Luna visibly raises her voice.

Cons:

There are some grammatical errors in the story, some examples would be "she closed a bottle in her magic", "Its a good thing" instead of it's. Small mistakes that stand out but can be easily fixed with a readthrough. Besides errors like that which are easily made I didn't notice anything wrong with the grammar.

Still, besides what I said about it being good you didn't waste time getting to the important part of the story I can't help feeling it was a bit too rushed and it could just be a bit more fleshed out, the interractions between Luna and Celestia mainly. However this problem might just be for this first chapter and not present in the next chapter in which, as I see it, the real story begins.

Notes:

All in all I feel that the plot has potential to fold out in an amusing manner, the idea of Luna and Celestia in a contest to win over the elements to their cause a great one. Besides what I said about Celestia and Luna I don't have much more to add besides that I believe the story can fold out quite amusingly but that it may need a bit more fleshing out.
It's a story with potential I feel

And with that our debt is settled.

RickHammersteel