Fallout Equestria: Pure Hearts
Chapter 3
Crossroads
“All the ponies in this town are CRAZY!”
This place was amazing. The ponies of Crossroads Junction had constructed their town completely out of scraps they had gathered from the wasteland. Sheets of metal, rotten planks of wood, old windows, anything you could imagine being salvageable – and then some – were everywhere. These things made up everything from buildings, to signs, to fences.
' While we were staring at the post-apocalyptic architecture, we were being stared at ourselves. Everypony we passed in the streets cast us strange or disapproving glances. This struck me to be quite impolite, but I imagined it was due to the simple fact that we were the new faces in town. I also assumed it had something to do with our outfits. I doubt anypony here had seen a stable jumpsuit, much less my lightly armoured security version. Most of the ponies we saw were dressed in tattered pre-war clothes, laced together with patches and bits of other fabric, crudely sewn on. Our uniforms were in near perfect condition, and it was a clear indication of the difference between our world and theirs. Then again, it could also have been the guts and blood of that... thing I had shot on our trek here that now stained my clothes and coat; it certainly didn’t help our case, anyway.
At first, I felt like an outcast among these other ponies. That feeling only grew stronger when I bumped into one.
“Watch where yer going, ya dumb broad,” said the green earth pony stallion that I had ran into.
I was a little taken aback at this, but before I could respond, the pony had already trotted off, brushing me aside in the process. Well that was rude. My thoughts were cut short, however, by somepony else.
“What have we here? I don’t believe I’ve seen you two around here. You look like you’re lost, and very out of place. Now, I haven’t got much time, but is there anything I can do for you?”
I turned to see who it was that spoke. A dark blue unicorn mare stood there a little impatiently, tossing her sky blue mane as she waited for a response. It took me a couple of seconds to process her question before I replied, and she seemed to just grow more impatient as I did so.
“I'm Dovetail, and this is Lilybloom. We’re here on behalf of Stable 61. It’s nice to make your acquaintance.” I said, offering a hoofshake. She didn’t return it, but instead answered by commenting on something completely different.
“Stable 61... Stable 61... Nope, doesn’t ring any bells, sorry. So, is there anything I can help you with, or not?”
Her attitude just teemed with impatience now, and I didn’t want to waste her time any longer. I simply asked, “Is there anywhere that we could find some shelter for the night?”
“Oh, well, aside from finding a box in an alleyway – which I don’t recommend, by the way – you could try Sunset’s. It’s just up the road a bit. Now, if you excuse me, I really must be going. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
Without saying anything else, she rounded on her hooves and walked off again, this time disappearing around a corner before I could say thanks. I looked to Lily, and she just shrugged back at me.
“Well, should we try this ‘Sunset’s?’” I asked her.
“It’s worth a shot. Not like we have any other options right now.”
It didn’t take long to find the inn. She had said it was just up the road, and she was right. Turns out Crossroads Junction wasn’t terribly big. On our way through the town, we passed a few houses, a couple of shops selling who knows what, a train station near the tracks, and a building made out of a patchwork of bricks and metal, labeled “Town Hall.” I’d have liked a chance to stop into any one of them and learn more about the town, but I could feel the weight of the day beginning to make my eyelids heavy.
Sunset’s Inn and Saloon was made entirely from the same sorts of materials as the rest of the town’s structures. The only distinguishable thing about it was the sign that hung in front of the building. Depicted upon it in bright, vivid-colored lights, was a horizon with an orange circle disappearing behind it; I imagined this was a sunset from before this cloud cover existed. The name of the place was also lustrously illuminated on the sign’s face.
Stepping inside, the sound of a half-a-dozen conversations struck my ears. The noise then dropped until silence eventually replaced it; everypony in the room was now staring in our direction. Their stares seemed to be judging our every move, which wasn’t much considering I was frozen stiff. During that long, awkward silence, the smell of smoke and booze flooded my nose and I did everything I could to keep myself from gagging on the stench. There had been alcohol and cigarettes back in the stable, but they were considered an expensive commodity so I rarely had to deal with their second-hand effects; here, though, they were undeniably stronger.
“H-Hi,” I eventually managed to squeak out. The ponies then went back to what they were previously doing, as if nothing had happened. I guess they were convinced by my timid introduction that I wasn’t a threat to any of them.
The establishment was not that dissimilar from the stable’s cafeteria. There were a number of tables around the floor, a counter with mismatched stools, and an earth pony behind that counter. I assumed he was both the bartender and the innkeeper, fulfilling both roles as needed. We trotted up to the counter and the bartender addressed us without even looking at us; he just kept cleaning the glass in his hooves.
“So you two are fresh out of the stable in the gorge and had yourselves a little run in with a bloatsprite, ‘eh?”
Lily was quick to question him, “How did you know about that? We only just walked in.” I just stood there a little surprised, that very question on my mind.
“Miss, I run a saloon,” he said, still not parting from his work. “Nothing happens in these parts that I don’t hear about. And here in the Equestrian Wasteland, news travels fast.”
I didn’t doubt that. Seeing how busy this place currently was, there were probably a good number of ponies that came through here every day, each of them bringing a different story with them. Then I thought about that shadowy figure we saw on the horizon. Whoever it was must’ve wandered through here, or mayhap they were still around.
“Who gave you that info?” I ventured.
He tilted his head toward the far corner and said, “He did.”
Looking in the direction he indicated, my gaze fell upon a stallion at the corner table of the room. He was shrouded in shadow, making it hard to see his distinguishing features. Through the darkness, I could only make out that his mane was very unkempt and rugged, and that he was wearing a cloak around him.
“Who is he?” I asked, turning back to the bartender again.
“Nopony really knows. Not ‘round here at least. I’ve heard many of the ponies here refer to him by different names. Ranger, Shadow, Ghost, you name it. He’s a wanderer; a drifter. He barely says anything in the way of conversation, if he ever speaks at all. I’ve also heard rumours that he comes from up north in the frozen tundra. But those are just rumours. Nopony’s ever gone there and come back alive.”
That really caught my attention. This pony, whoever he was, had remained a mystery to the locals in this area. When I spun back to the stranger, he was gone. Being a little disappointed that he got away again, I sighed. At least we knew our eyes had not been lying to us.
“So, you two gonna buy a drink, maybe rent a room, or what?”
I had a lot more questions to ask the bartender, but after looking at my pipbuck’s clock, I couldn’t help but yawn deeply. This first day out of the stable had really taken its toll on me. Lily echoed my yawn, and I saw her eyes were only half open as well. I nodded to him and, through another yawn, asked, “How much for a room? We’ve been through a lot today, and we’re both exhausted.”
“I’ll bet you are. A room for two then? Let’s see, how much you got?” inquired the earth pony.
I pulled my money from my saddlebags. The pony finally put down the glass he had been so intently cleaning, but instead of answering me, he burst out laughing. The rest of the crowd then joined him in the merriment as well. I just stood there, looking to Lily. We both had confused looks on our faces.
Finally calming down enough to speak, he elaborated. “That was exactly what I was expecting, I just didn’t think you’d actually be that predictable, though. Miss, that money’s no good here. Most of it’s worth died along with the old nation of Equestria. It hasn’t had any real value since the megaspells were cast, not around here at least.”
“How much would a room be in bits then?” Lily inquired. The bar patrons returned to laughing heavily at us again.
I heard a mare’s voice behind me say, “Honey, you’ve been locked up in that place for far too long”
Another mare’s voice, deeper than the last, chimed in, “She won’t last two days out here. Hell, I’m surprised she’s lasted this long.”
“You really are from a stable. I assure you a room will run you most of what you’ve got there,” the stallion behind the counter remarked. I could hear the sarcasm in his voice. He rang open the old, rusty cash register in front of him and pulled a hoof-full of something from its drawer, setting them on the counter. Condescendingly, he added, “Caps are where it’s at now, my dear.”
What he had strewn close to him on the countertop were nothing more than used bottle caps from all manner of beverages. Some I recognized, such as those from Sparkle Cola bottles. We had a meager amount of those same brands in the stable. They were more abundant than the alcoholic beverages, but were still scarce enough that they were hard to come by. This meant we couldn’t bring any of the soda with us, choosing our easily replenishable water over the carbonated drink. How were we supposed to know the money system had changed to something that we would have recycled? I found it rather random in my mind that they would have made a currency out of those round little pieces of metal. It just seemed backwards to me, but I made sure to add a note on my pipbuck that I would need to inform the stable to save their bottle caps for use in this new economy.
Seeing our obvious distress at finding out our money was next to useless, and that we were practically broke, the bartender sighed.
“Listen, usually no caps means no service, and I’ve already handed out enough free information with what I’ve told ya already. You’re new though, so I’ll cut you some slack. I’ll let you stay here tonight. One. Night. Just leave me what bits you’ve got and promise to work off the rest tomorrow. I’m not talking doing dishes or sweeping floors, either.” The tone in his voice was serious, and it was obvious that this was going to be his only offer.
Lily and I looked at each other, unsure of what the work would entail. I could see that my friend had the same worried expression I felt on my own face. She then nodded uncertainly to me. We couldn’t see any other option, unless we wanted to sleep in the alley, like the mare outside had remarked. I set the money on the counter cautiously, and slid it toward him.
“I suppose we’ll take it, but no funny stuff,” I said hesitantly.
“Sounds like a deal then. I mean, we aren’t raiders. Well, most of us aren’t, anyway. I’ll find somepony who needs something of you two by morning. And don’t even think of skipping out. If you do, I’ll have one of the mercs hunt you down and kill you.” I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not, but I sheepishly nodded back. Lily did the same. “Alright, well, your room’s this way.”
Putting his caps, as well as all of our bits, into the register, he stepped out from behind the counter. This allowed me to fully see his form. He was a dirty brown earth pony, with a rust coloured mane. His cutie mark seemed fitting of his job: a bottle of whiskey being poured into a shot glass.
“Name’s Sunset, by the way. Owner and sole proprietor of this fine establishment.”
“I’m Dovetail,” I said. “And this Lilybloom.”
“Pleased to meet you.” The stallion replied with a nod. “Now, if you’ll follow me.”
He lead us up a jury rigged staircase located through a door behind the counter. The second floor consisted of four small rooms. One I assumed was Sunset’s personal quarters, one was the restroom, and the other two were guest rooms. He directed us to one of the guest rooms.
Inside, it had the same walls as the rest of the place. There was a tired bunk bed in the corner with a few pieces of mismatched furniture for storing belongings, and a small table with an aged stool beneath it. It was hardly home, but it was someplace to stay.
We thanked Sunset and he trotted off, closing the door behind him. Lily went straight to the bed and climbed the ladder to the top bunk. Giving an exhausted sigh, she collapsed onto the mattress.
I, on the other hoof, decided to take a seat at the table and check out the shotgun I had picked up in the cabin earlier that day. Setting my gear on the floor next to me, I unslung the gun from around my neck and laid it on the table.
As I looked it over, I noticed it had a few unique features, at least in comparison to the ones in the stable’s armoury. The stock and foregrip were made of an ebony wood. The extra cocking-lever on the side of the foregrip was intricately carved and showed traces of gold on its trailing edge. There was a simple, Magick-Dot sight mounted atop the gun’s main body. Rectangular golden plates were screwed onto either side near the end of the weapon’s stock. Both of these had a faded emblem etched into them that resembled a pony skull, only with great antlers extending from the top of its head. Crudely inscribed into the metal below the ejector port were the words: “To Hell and back!” Though I wasn’t a fan of such language, the phrase stuck with me, and I affectionately christened the gun Demonslayer because of it.
Setting the firearm aside, I retrieved the shells for it from my saddlebags. The box stated that they were Zebraslayer Sureshot Shells, 12 gauge buckshot. I pulled a few of the red cylinders, which looked to still be in perfect condition, out of the box, which was much worse for wear.
Picking up the shotgun again, I checked to see if it was already loaded with any rounds. Nothing. Whoever the dead pony in the cabin was, they weren’t expecting to be attacked by the zebras during their stay at the retreat, and there was no use for guns against the balefire and radiation that likely took his life. I paused for a moment to pray to Celestia and Luna for his soul before taking the few shells I had retrieved from their box and loading them into the gun. I then slipped the rest back inside my bag.
Yawning, I decided to finally retire for the night. As I approached the bed, I heard Lily snore a little; she was already fast asleep. I looked at the mattress I was about to lay on. It was about as basic as a mattress could be, and was stained with goddess knows what. I yawned again and suddenly didn’t care. The bed, disgusting as it was, just looked so inviting – I crashed.
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Opening my eyes, I found myself disoriented for a bit. The room was not mine. The bed was not mine. The light, the sound, the smell, none of it was mine. At first, I thought I had dreamt yesterday’s events, but as I came to, I began to realize it had all actually happened. And I also realized I was still laying on that filthy mattress.
Quickly scrambling off of it, I felt my body tumble to the floor. I’m going to have to seriously lower my standards if I’m going to make it out here.
Lily groaned in the bed above me and rolled over so she could see me laying on the floor looking stupid.
“Dovetail, what are you doing down there?” she asked, groggily.
“I, uh, slipped off the bed.” Standing up, I smiled at her embarrassingly.
She rubbed her eyes with her hooves, pushing her glasses up as she did so. She had neglected to take them off before falling into bed and going to sleep. She really is cute when she does that... I shook my head. No, she’s just my friend.
“What time is it?” she inquired. I actually hadn’t even thought to look at the time yet. I didn’t know if it was even morning at all. I checked my pipbuck.
“7 in the morning,” I said, breathing a slight sigh of relief. Reluctantly, she pulled herself off the mattress and down the ladder. We gathered our stuff and made our way back down to the floor below.
“Well, good mornin’. See you two didn’t skip town last night.” I wasn’t sure if he seemed relieved or disappointed. He was proving to be a hard stallion to read, though I wasn’t the best at reading males in the first place. He was just harder to read than the rest.
Sunset greeted us as we stepped off the stairs and into the bar. There were still a few ponies around the tables, but the place was virtually empty compared to last night. Even the smell of its customers had subsided. I hadn’t noticed with the increased noise level before, but there was actually music playing from a radio that was hooked up to some crude speakers, which hung from the corners of the main room. The song playing was one I recognized from the stable. I think it was called, “Love Me Cheerilee.”
“Cheerilee, Cheerilee, I think I’m in love with you. Cheerilee, Cheerilee—” sang the speakers. Yep, that was definitely the name of the song, though I couldn’t remember the name of the pony who sang it at the time. I heard my pipbuck beep briefly. The radio station list now showed one available selection, titled Vanhoover Northwest.
“No, we didn’t skip out,” I said with a chuckle, turning my attention back to Sunset. “I am curious about what sort of work you’ve lined up for us though.”
As the song on the airwaves came to a close, a disembodied voice brought us pause again. “I’m DJ Neon Lights the XIII, bringing you the latest from the waste-est. Wait, that didn’t make sense. Ah well. Anyway, time for the news! Any of you hear about the new pony that’s come up from one of those metal tombs?” My ears perked up at those words. “A trusted source of mine from down south has informed me that some mare from Stable 2 has surfaced and started carving a bloody path through raider territory.”
I felt a little bit relieved. He couldn’t have been talking about us. Sunset had said news travels fast, but I didn’t think it would have been that fast. It was nice to know though that we weren’t the only ones emerging from the stables.
“So, what can we do to earn our wage?” Lily followed up my question as we returned to the matter that was on hoof.
A smirk came across the bartender’s face and I started to get a bad feeling. I somehow knew we had just bitten off more hay than we could chew.
“I’m Gale Storm; those close to me call me Snakebite though,” came a voice from behind us. I spun to see who was speaking and was shocked to find a cream-coloured pegasus with a shoulder-length, dark green mane standing there. While we were walking around town last night I hadn’t spotted a single one of the winged ponies. She was the first one I had ever seen outside of pictures.
There were none in the stable either. Stable 61’s door was one of the last to close, back when our ancestors entered them those many years ago, so we had all heard the stories as they were passed down through the families. Stories of what happened during the war. Stories about how the pegasi had, on that final day, sealed themselves off from the ground below using a cover of thick clouds. I wondered if these same clouds were the ones that lingered above us now.
Lily nudged me and I realized I had drifted into my thoughts again. Gale had put a hoof out in my direction and reiterated herself since I was paying attention once more.
“Pleased to meet you,” she said. I put my hoof to hers and shook it. She was the first to make use of the gesture, let alone initiate it. I was already starting to like to her.
“Pleased to meet you,” I echoed. “I’m Dovetail. And this is Lily bloom. We’re from the st—”
“From the stable in the gorge? Yep, Sunset here has already filled me in on what he knows about you two. I wouldn’t have offered you two the job without performing a slight background check first.”
That made enough sense, but I then took pause for a moment.
“So, what’s the job?” Lily put my thoughts into words before I could.
“Oh, right. I guess I got a little ahead of myself. I need an escort to Underdog Town.” She must’ve seen the confusion in our faces as she added, “Maybe you’ve heard it called by its pre-war name more. It used to be Vanhoover before the megaspells.”
That made things a bit clearer, but I still didn’t actually know where it was exactly. I figured she knew the way though, seeing as she was the one traveling there. Then another question crossed my mind.
“Wait, if you’re a pegasus, why don’t you just fly there?” I ventured.
She didn’t say anything and instead just turned her right side to me. I could see that her wing on this side was badly mangled. It appeared to be broken in several places, probably enough that she couldn’t fly.
“Why don’t you just take a healing potion?” asked Lily.
While she still had her side to us, I was able to observe her cutie mark, which looked to have originally been a green vortex of swirling lines, much like the images I had seen of tornados. However, over top of it, another marking had been burned into her flank. This one resembled a cloud with a lightning bolt reaching downward from it.
“I refuse to,” she said bluntly. “I’m a Dashite. That means I’m loyal, not only to the surface world, but to my own beliefs. I swore once never to take any drug, medicine or otherwise, after watching a friend slip away to their influence until there was nothing left of her. I’ve had the doctors here patch my wing up the best they can, but I’m letting it heal up the rest of the way the old fashioned way – with time and care. They were able to use a healing spell to get it this far already, but I was so badly broken after—” she trailed off, looking a little downtrodden. “You know what, nevermind.”
I found that to be a tad silly yet at the same time I admired her resolution. I didn’t think I could deal with having a broken leg without taking a potion to fix it up as quickly as possible. There was no way I could even begin to imagine what it would be like to lose a wing that long when you relied on them as much as she probably did.
“Anyways, back on topic. I need an escort to go with me to the salvage camp in Underdog Town. I was on my way there to deliver some supplies when I—” she hesitated again for a moment, probably recollecting whatever had happened to claim her wing. I could tell that whatever it was, she wanted to talk about it, but probably not with ponies that she just met. “When I had to make an emergency landing here. I need to get that package to its destination unharmed, and the wastes are not the friendliest to a grounded pegasus.”
“Why us?” Lily pushed.
“Why not? You get to learn a thing or two about being out here, scout further for your stable, and earn some caps. I’ll pay you 300 caps base, another 200 if we all get there alive.” She let us soak that in for a bit before continuing. “And in return I get two body guards, a few more guns on my side, and some company. Oh, and the E.F.S. feature on your pipbucks will come in handy for getting through the ruins safely. So, you in?” Lily and I looked at each other nervously before stepping away for a bit to discuss it amongst ourselves.
“What do you think?” I asked my friend.
“I don’t know Dove, it sounds dangerous.” I actually picked up a hint of worry in her voice, something that wasn’t normal for her.
“I’m sure it can’t be that bad. Besides, I doubt we’re going to get any better opportunity to learn more about the Wasteland, and we are getting paid along the way. It’s not the most savoury option, but I think we’ll have to settle for what we can get. We did promise Sunset that we’d do this.”
“I don’t really trust him,” Lily whispered to me, “but I suppose you’re right.”
We returned to the counter where our prospective employer and the barkeep were conversing idly. Gale stopped talking and looked at us as we approached.
“Well, watdaya say?” She asked. We nodded to her.
“We’re in.”
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“So, they’re called bloatsprites?” Lily asked Sunset.
Gale Storm had gone to retrieve her things from the other guest room upstairs while we conversed with the bartender for a bit and had something to eat from what we had gathered from the cabins. It was likely the Inn had food for sale, as well as drinks, but without caps we were left to our own devices to find nourishment.
“Yep. Nasty little buggers,” the earth pony stated. “There are much worse things out there, though.”
“What sort of things?”
“Radscorpions, bloodwings, raiders, slavers. Everything from mutated natural creatures to crazed ponies. I’ve also heard about even worse, unnatural things out there. You wouldn’t believe some of the stories that come through this place.”
“Have you ever come across any of those things?”
“Oh Celestia, yes,” he responded. “I was born and raised in a different town, but when I moved here with my now-late wife, we ran into all sorts of things. Granted we never came across anything worse than the common radscorp, but there’s no shortage of threats in the wastes. Those days were long ago though. After we moved here, I founded the inn. Had that nice sign outside made by the folks in Underdog Town to help bring in customers. Really did the trick as business took off after that. Wife then passed away a few years later, and now all I’ve got’s this place. It’s a good, simple life, though.”
“Alright, you two ready to go?” Before I could question Sunset further, Gale had come down and called us to attention.
“Yes ma’am,” I said resolutely, much like I would to the Overmare. Lily mirrored me perfectly.
I was in awe at the gear she now sported. She had donned a set of thick, black leather barding that covered her from neck to flank, exposing only her head, wings, and tail. Over her back she had a saddlebag that sat on the crest of her back and two large weapons – a shotgun on the right, a rifle on the left – that straddled her sides. I had heard about battle saddles during my security training, but Stable 61 was never issued any. My guess was that it was part of the trade off for the experimental pipbucks Lilybloom and I now wore around our ankles. Seeing one of the contraptions in person, it was quite impressive.
“Alright, then. Thanks for the hospitality, Sunset. Here’s the caps I owe you for the stay.” She tossed a few dozen caps from her bag onto the counter and the stallion behind them quickly stuffed them into the register drawer. “Come on, Dovetail, Lilybloom, let’s get going.”
“Bye, Sunset, thanks f—”
“Let’s move!” Gale commanded before I finished. She seemed nice enough, but I supposed that was only when she was off duty. We quickly turned and followed her back out the door we had come in through last night.
Crossroads Junction was an entirely different sight during the day. The crudeness of the buildings was much more apparent. The glowing light of the signs had been replaced by dull paints. There were also bad spots in the town that I hadn’t been able to see in the dark. Things like back alleys that probably would have been better left hidden away. I didn’t care to think about it much and quickly turned my attention back to my companions.
As we wandered through the town, Gale told us a little bit more about herself. She had been a mercenary under contract for the Ironhoof Company for the longest time. She didn’t elaborate on what the company did or what her role in it was, but she did inform us that when she left, she took them down with her. Nowadays her work had consisted of freelance jobs, mostly courier contracts or ironically, bodyguard duty. This was one of those courier contracts, and instead of letting us know what was in the package she was carrying, she simply told us it was a high-value delivery. She also made sure we understood that it would have been easy for her to make the delivery if she could fly. To do so by hoof, however, would be significantly more dangerous and that she was much happier about having us with her.
We also passed by the stores I had planned to go into this morning. I thought about telling Gale to hold up and let me check them out, but the lack of bottle caps meant that I’d only be window shopping, so I held my tongue. Instead, we just walked on by.
We came out of the town on the north-western edge. Before us, the old railroad stretched onward, cutting its way through the mountains that rose up around it.
“What are they used for now?” I asked.
“What are what used for?” Gale challenged, confusion in her voice.
I turned to her and raised a hoof toward the tracks. “The rail lines. What are they used for these days? I’d imagine the trains that used to travel on them are just as ruined as everything else. Why haven’t the ponies salvaged the wood and metal for other uses?”
“Some of the trains survived the war, though only a few. They make trips up here from the southern towns with supplies every once in awhile. There’s also one that runs to Underdog town on the other side of the The Unicorn Range – that’s the mountains in front of us. It’s the longest, highest, mountain range in the entire Equestrian Wasteland, stretching from north to south. The only range that rivals its grandeur would be the Frozen North itself. These tracks are the fastest way through them, ending right at our destination. That same line brings salvage from the ruins that the town has used to build with. I would have taken the train myself, after the accident, but it only runs once a month and it had left shortly before I arrived here in Crossroads. It’s also subject to frequent breakdowns that delay its schedule even more.”
The thought of a working train was amazing. I would have loved to see one in action. I began to imagine the feeling of the wind blowing through my mane as I hung my head out of a train car’s windows. It was carrying us through a beautiful valley full of life, moving faster than our own hooves could carry us. Then a thought crossed my mind that brought my daydream to a screeching halt.
“If the train’s the faster way there, how long will it take for us to walk there on hoof?” I questioned, my mind set on the week’s time before we were supposed to return to the stable. We had already killed one day just getting here.
“It’s a two-day walk at best from here, even if we were to gallop at a substantial pace,” she responded. Two days there, two days back, possibly longer. We would be pressed for time, having to head straight to the stable when we returned. It might have even made us late. Lily must have taken notice of my worried expression.
“It’s okay, Dove. The Overmare said we were to return ‘after a week’s time.’ Doesn’t mean we can’t take an extra day or two before we head back,” she stated, and I recalled the memory of those words. This brought relief to my distress.
I stepped forward. “Well, then, I guess we better get moving.”
“I like your initiative, Dovetail. Can your friend keep up?”
“You bet I can, ma’am,” Lily chimed in, stepping up to us with a determined look.
“I hope that’s not just foalish pride, miss.”
“I can assure you she may be a bit headstrong, but Lily can definitely pull her weight,” I told the pegasus firmly. Lily shot me a look, but then stifled a chortle under her breath.
“Good.” That was all she said before taking the first steps onto the tracks and out of Crossroads Junction. We followed in her hoofsteps.
The rail line entered the mountains only a few miles out of town. The slopes gradually got steeper and steeper as we began to wind around through valleys and over hills. We only stopped for breaks when we really needed them, like for water or food, or to rest our tired legs. The mountain scenery was a lot greener than down in the low hills, but it still was not what it had probably been before the war. A good number of trees were still standing, but many of them were either dead or downed. We did spot the occasional wildlife, many of which were not hostile. When we did come across a hostile creature, my E.F.S. called it out and we snuck by it if possible, otherwise Gale would take it down with her extreme firepower before it got too close to us.
As we went, I decided to probe her knowledge and see how much she was willing to divulge. She told me how the war had gone. How megaspells from both the zebras and Equestria itself had been dropped. How the ministries had begun to crumble under their own weight. And how Celestia and Luna had eventually given their own lives. Of course all she knew about this was from what the Grand Pegasus Enclave – the civilization of pegasi that had sealed themselves off above the clouds – had told her before she was branded a Dashite. That title, she told me, came from following the old ways as laid down by the head mare of the Ministry of Awesome, a name I found to be a bit outlandish for a government organization. Those ways were dedicated to protect Equestria and its citizens, which went against the Enclave’s beliefs of seclusion and self preservation. And she wore the title proudly. We actually learned a lot more than I had expected from her while on our walk along the tracks.
She warned us though, “This place will take your innocence. Often times long before you realize it yourself. You just have to stay true to the virtue that guides you; stay pure of heart, and you’ll be alright.” I let that settle into my mind before speaking again, attempting to change the topic.
“So, tell me, why is it that Vanhoover became known as Underdog Town?”
“Well, it’s quite a story. The actual region is still known as Vanhoover, but the civilized part is wh—”
Something cut the air between us, close enough I could feel the displaced air from it as it whisked by. What the—
Crack!
“Sniper!” Gale called out.
I hit the dirt, seeking cover behind the rails of the track, Lily and Gale following suit. We quickly shuffled prone along the ground to take cover behind one of the nearby downed trees. I checked my Eyes Forward Sparkle. Nothing. And then everything. The thing lit up like a control panel, and the markers were getting brighter fast.
Crack!
Another shot from the sniper flew over our heads. My mind was going a million miles a minute, trying to comprehend what was going on. Gale had told us that after the megaspells hit, the wastes became a war zone of a different kind. But I never expected anything like this. I had been shot at – by other ponies! I began to panic.
“Draw your weapon, Dovetail! What are you waiting for?”
It was Gale. She had said something to me, but I didn’t make it out the first time, my head was spinning so badly. Then Lily slapped me, and things snapped back into focus.
“Draw your weapon, Dovetail!” The pegasus repeated. This time her words reached my ears clearly, which caused me to hang my head.
“I-I can’t,” I admitted.
She paused a moment in shock before responding. “What the fuck do you mean you can’t?” I winced at her harsh language, but it was warranted, I supposed. After all, there would have been much more ideal times for her to find this information out; that I would much rather solve conflict with words than weapons.
“I-I don’t think,” I stuttered before letting out a long sigh. “I don’t think I can’t pull a gun on another pony. Even as a security mare, I was always taught to resolve things with diplomacy, not force. I never actually had to use my gun outside of training. I’m sorry.” I hung my head low in shame. Gale hired us as bodyguards and right now we were letting her down. Bullets began landing all around us, thankfully not penetrating our cover. I flinched with each one that hit the log.
“Damn it, Dovetail,” she relented. “These are raiders, they’ve given up any right to be tried as a pony, and they sure as hell wouldn’t listen to reason. Not even if you shoved it down their goddess-damned throats. This is life or death here, not some civil dispute in the stable. Get your shit together or you’re going down with me.”
Crack!
Another shot rang out as it struck our cover. The red marks on my pipbuck were almost on top of us now. Gale shook her head at me and stood over the log. She squeezed the trigger from her battle saddle in her mouth.
Ka-blam!
One of the red marks faded away until it dropped off completely. Lily turned my head to her. “Dang it Dove, Gale’s right. If you don’t draw your weapon now, we could all die. You know I’ve never fired a gun, or else I’d do it for you. These ponies obviously want us dead, for whatever reason, and I’m not ready to die.” That was the straw that broke the mule’s back. I wasn’t about to let my friend die here. I pulled the shotgun from my back for the first time, and took a deep breath. I still wasn’t sure I could deal with what I was about to do, but I gathered what will I could muster and swung over the tree trunk. I opened fire on the first enemy that I saw.
Blam!
The approaching pony with the crazy mane and crude barding, who looked like he had just come out of the insane ward, dropped limply to the ground. Mindful of the sniper, I ducked back down into cover. My heart raced, and the thought of having just killed somepony hit me like a wall of steel. It made me feel nauseous, but I choked it down. Our new companion had hit the nail on the head. This wasn’t some minor quarrel in the stable; this was life or death. I suddenly longed for the comfort of those dull gray walls and dim, white, boring lights. Gale was right, and I knew it already – this place would take your innocence whether you wanted it to or not. I had just lost mine, and it all happened in the blink of an eye, or rather the flash of a muzzle.
Ka-blam! Ka-blam!
Gale had taken another few shots before dropping back behind cover. I looked first at my E.F.S. – three more bars remained – and then to Lily. She was cowering beneath cover behind me. I was trained with guns, which meant I was at least used to them. They scared her, even more so in live combat. I don’t think it was because she was afraid to point one at a pony, but was afraid of firing one without having done so before. In spite of this, I offered her my security pistol to defend herself with. She took the weapon hesitantly.
“You know I won’t use it unless I have no other choice. You’re the one with the training, not me,” she said. I nodded back to her in affirmation. The sight of her cowering there was enough motivation for me to keep fighting, as much as I wanted to end this peacefully. I nodded to Gale, hoping she’d understand; she did.
I pumped the gun with my hoof, still holding it in my mouth. It was a little clumsy, even with the earth pony-friendly pump, but I’d get used to it.
Crack!
Another shot from the sniper, this one splintering the log and passing between us. We took that as our signal. Gale and I flung ourselves over the tree and pulled our triggers simultaneously.
Blam ka-blam!
Two of the raider ponies dropped. The one I had shot burst into flames as the pellets from the shell impacted. The sight took me by surprise, but I did my best not to let it phase me. The shotgun must have been enchanted with unicorn magic that cast a flaming spell at random. The shells themselves I knew were not magical. I worked the action, ejecting the spent cartridge and loading another.
Blam ka-blam! Crack!
As the last raider fell to the ground, so did I. Gale and I had shot him at the same time, and I wasn’t sure which one of us actually hit him. All I knew was that the sniper had still been out there and had put a round into my front-right foreleg as well. I felt the impact hit the bone and I screamed out in pain. I heard Lily scream too, in spite of the ringing in my ears.
Gale dragged me back to cover and Lily pulled out the last of our healing potions. She immediately tried to administer it to me but was stopped by our pegasus companion.
“Lilybloom, wait,” she said, being sure to cover us if anymore raiders came. “Check if the bullet’s still in her leg first, otherwise it’ll be inside her... forever.”
Lily looked the wound over, which caused me a lot of pain as she moved my leg about. I bit down as hard as I could on my lip trying to keep myself from whinnying in further agony. I had been shot with a sniper round, not some low-caliber pistol. While I didn’t dare look at it myself, I had been fairly certain the hole in my flesh went all the way through. Celestia bless them for making sure though.
Somehow it hadn’t gone all the way through. Using the tweezers she kept on her utility barding, usually used for holding small electronic bits and pieces, Lily carefully pulled the bullet from my bleeding gash. I couldn’t hold the torment back any longer and I howled in pain. When she finished she forced me to swallow down the potion. I immediately began to feel better. I also felt the urge to heave, but I ignored it. I wanted to return the favor to the sniper first; for the first time ever, I wanted revenge.
Cocking the shotgun and getting to my hooves again, Gale Storm informed me she recognized the sound of the gunshots as being from a standard sniper rifle. That meant he likely had a 5-shot magazine on a bolt-action. He had fired all 5 rounds in his failed attempt to kill us, but had also probably reloaded during the time it had taken to fix me up. We would have to attempt to use a combination of cover and luck to safely close the distance between him and us. Well, as safe as possible while having a sniper take potshots at us.
Gale took the lead. She darted as far as she could, using the trees for cover, before the sniper shot at her again.
Crack! One shot.
I followed, Lily in tow. We had made it past our companion before the next shot.
Crack! Two shots.
Gale moved again.
Crack! Three shots.
Lily and I passed her.
Crack! Four shots.
This time I was the only one that moved, galloping as far and as fast as I could, shotgun in my mouth. It wasn’t fast enough. I was out of cover when I saw the glint of his scope right in front of me.
Crack! Fwoosh!
I was dead... only I wasn’t. The shot missed, grazing my neck. The bush the sniper was nested in, however, burst into flames. I hadn’t fired a shot though, so I just stood there, confused. Checking my E.F.S., a friendly blip had appeared and disappeared just as quick. When I looked in the direction it indicated, I only saw the tail of a cloak as it vanished behind a rock uphill from me.
Lily came running up with Gale and shook me back to my senses. “You did it, Dove! And you’re still in one piece!” She congratulated me, throwing her hooves around my neck, but withdrew a bit when she saw the cut the bullet had made. I returned the gesture awkwardly then pushed her aside. Retreating to the nearest foliage, I let my stomach return some of the food in it as a painful mess. I really needed to learn to hide my disgust better.
Luna damnit,I thought, I think any innocence I had left is gone now. I felt like I needed a bath; like I was covered in an irremovable filth; even my language was getting dirty.
“Well, what’s next?” I asked as I made my way back to my comrades, wiping the vomit from my chin as I walked. I didn’t dare tell them about my cloaked savior, fearing I had gone mad. I could also feel the wound on my neck now. It stung, but it wasn’t deep enough to cause much bleeding. I’d have to live with it until we could get another potion.
“We loot the bodies and then look for shelter,” Gale announced. “It’ll be dark soon, and I’ll bet these ponies have a camp around here – er, well, they did. They aren’t using it any more, obviously. Raider decor may not suit your tastes though.”
I knew very little about these so called Raiders, but I found her last comment rather odd. I dismissed it, though, as I reluctantly began to loot the bodies. None of the ponies, save for the sniper, had fired many shots before going down, so they all had a good stock of ammunition on them. We found rounds for both Demonslayer and Gale’s battle saddle. There was also a lever-action rifle with plenty of rounds that we gave to Lily when I retrieved my pistol from her. I promised that I’d help her practice with it as soon as I could. I knew that if this was gonna be what the wastes were like, we would both need to be ready and able to defend ourselves, even if the thought of killing other ponies was still overwhelmingly nauseating.
Gale also carefully grabbed the sniper rifle from amidst the still-burning bush. The metal was a little bit blackened, and the wood was somewhat charred, but it still looked to be in working condition. However, we were not able to salvage the ammo. She no sooner brought the rifle over to us when a spectacular display of explosions erupted behind her. The gunpowder in the ammunition that the sniper still had on him went up in a fantastically chaotic manner.
We got to cover as quickly as possible to avoid getting hit by stray bullets as they flew off in all directions. Shot after shot whizzed by us as the rounds crackled to life. Only after we were sure the rounds were depleted did we come out of hiding.
“Well, that was sure to have drawn some attention,” Gale pointed out. “We should move.”
I nodded in agreement with her and we pressed on. This time we stayed amongst the trees, still following the tracks. We weren’t going to take the chance of getting ambushed again, and we made haste to find shelter before night fell.
We did eventually come across the raiders’ base of operations. It was obvious from what Gale had told us after the fight about them and their ways that the scene before our eyes was their doing; and no, I definitely didn’t care for the decor.
A few hundred feet from the rails, set in a clearing, was the most vile, disturbing thing we had seen yet. Strewn throughout the opening were bloody cages filled with mangled and mutilated pony corpses. Ratty tents were pitched here and there with seemingly no order to them. The path to the old cabin that sat at the back of the encampment was lined with the decapitated heads of the surrounding dead. And the stench was unbearable. Honestly, I was surprised I hadn’t lost what was left of my lunch yet. But then, I really didn’t have much of my lunch left to lose anyway. That, and, as much as I didn't want to admit it, I was probably becoming desensitized to this. This time, it was Lily’s stomach that turned. After seeing this, I had no sympathy left for those ponies – if you can still call them that – which we killed earlier, or any other pony who dare take the title of “raider,” for that matter.
Luckily, we did not have to tolerate this much longer for the dark had come, and we decided to turn in for the night. Figuring the cabin would be the safest bet, we approached it first, doing our best to avoid eye contact with the severed heads that we passed. We decided that we’d loot the tents in the morning; I don’t think any of us were any hurry to see what lay hidden within their canvas walls.
With the black of night upon us, I turned on the over-bright mode of my pipbuck’s screen, and used the light to look the place over. The structure was not too different than that of the cabins above Galloping Gorge. This one, however, had been boarded up from the outside, with a highly visible “Stay out!” spray painted across the wall next to the door. The vividness of the colour meant it had only been added recently, likely by the raiders. This, like so many other things we had encountered since being in the wasteland, struck me as being highly unusual.
What would keep somepony who mutilates other ponies for fun out of an untouched cabin? As far as I could tell, these raider ponies had little to no fear. I still did, however, and jumped as the sound of wood breaking rang out. Gale had broken the boards that spanned the door, granting us access. I guess we’ll find out.
The door was fortunately unlocked this time, and we entered one at a time. I was the last one in, and as soon as my tail had crossed the boundary separating inside from out, the entryway shut abruptly. We all jumped, even Gale. Trying the handle, I was surprised to find it was locked. Even the lock itself refused to turn. We would have to figure that out in the morning, when the light was much better.
Returning to see what the interior had in store for us, the layout was no different at all from our previous intrusions. Even the paintings that hung on the walls were exactly the same. The only thing that was missing was the skeleton pony in the bed. I chalked it up to the mass-production mindset that seemed to be prevalent during the time before the balefire. Lily had begun to use her pipbuck as a flashlight now as well, navigating the dank and dark confines of the cabin.
“This place hasn’t been touched,” she announced. “Everything – food, supplies, everything, it’s all in order. There’s not even a layer of dust to be seen.”
I ran my pipbuck’s radiation scanner over a few of the boxes that she had pulled out. Nothing. “It’s not even irradiated. Not in the slightest.”
“Why would the raiders leave this place so pristine?” asked Gale, as she started to see the weirdness of this place.
My only response was a yawn. As unsettled as we were by it, we would soon be overtaken by sleep, so it would have to do. Gale suggested leaving somepony awake to keep watch, but even with the raider camp outside, we decided against it. We were all too tired and fairly certain that those we killed on our way here were all of the camp’s residents. We also felt comfort in knowing that if any did remain, they probably wouldn’t come into the cabin. If they were spooked by it enough to board it up, they likely weren’t going to be coming back in anytime soon.
There were two beds, just like the other cabins. Gale let us take the beds as she was more used to roughing it than we had been. Lily took the one that held the dead pony in the mirror-cabin from the gorge. I took the remaining mattress.
These beds were surprisingly clean, at least compared to the ones back in Sunset’s inn. They were unstained and were made with clean-enough spreads. In fact, they were even softer than what we had back in the stables. They were, in a word, divine.
Gale began snoring lightly and I looked back at Lilybloom who lay sleeping soundly in the bed across from me. I closed my eyes, too, and got comfortable in the sheets. Feeling sleep grip me deeply, I drifted off to join my friends in Luna’s dream world.
Footnote: Level up!
New Perk: Run 'n Gun - Halved spread with small guns while walking or running.
That cabin...
2spooky4me
good good do go on
2232894
Haha, just you wait...
2232908
Glad you like what I've got so far!
2233459
I'm glad you like it so far. This is the first time I've written more than a page or two of anything in about 5-6 years, so I'm a tad rusty. I do have some good character development scenes as things move forward, but I've always struggled with getting characters to not be too flat. Any suggestions?
As for the "two mares" thing, I actually am avoiding the pairing of them as more than best friends, even if it still gets brought up.
And I actually started writing before reading Project Horizons or other side fics for that matter, so the security mare cliche was an unintentional side-effect, but I decided it was too late to change it by the time I found out.
I am happy you find it overall good with what I've gotten so far though.
2240818
Glad you like it!
2240929
S 5
P 4
E 5 (may consider it a 6 because earth pony hardiness)
C 8
I 5
A 8
L 5
Fav'd
2241282
Cool, thanks!
really great story look forward to more chapters
2251771
Glad you like what I have so far!
you'd think that gale would notice the fact that even raiders are terrified of this cabin and be more cautious. still story going good!
ps: i like how dovetail didn't hold on to her reservations for killing for ages, it tends to be a burden and gets tedious fast in the wasteland.
2253882
Haha, you'd think. I'm glad you're liking it so far. And yeah. She still doesn't like the idea, but she knows when life and death matters too.
2291165
Thanks for your review. I would like to start off by just saying this is the first thing I've written more than a page or two of in about 5 to 6 years, so I'm a little rusty. I do plan to go back and re-write the first chapter and probably the prologue at the least once I get another chapter or two out and am confident that I've gotten enough skill back to do them well. I will definitely take your advice to heart when I do so to the best of my ability.
As far as the setting, I don't recall finding anything with the same setting during my search, and have done my best to avoid overlap in anyway possible. Would it be possible to get the link to the larger one you mentioned?
2291165
Okay, so, I looked, I'm guessing by the setting being done by one of the large stories, you mean Operation Flankorage. I do remember coming across this one now, but I should also state that while I'm doing my best to avoid overlap, I'm only considering Kkat's original, Project Horizons, and Pink Eyes as canon, so I'm not afraid to write over top of Operation Flankorage, but my storyline will hopefully avoid any conflict with locations in that story besides the general Frozen North. I have my own ideas for where it's going, and am staying within what I consider to be canon, as stated earlier.
2291165
Okay, so I edited the prologue a bit. If you wouldn't mind giving it a quick read-through and see if it's any better. I may still combine it and the first chapter at a later point, after I re-write the first chapter, but I'm not sure on it yet.
2291710
First at all... Wow 2 comments to me and none notifications, this is why I love fimfiction so high.
Yes I have read some times that you are a little bit rusty, but from my point of view are that not an excuse that makes my points smaller. You are judged but what you do, and almost never on your backstory to your skills.
I am really really sorry if I sounded negative or down right arrogant, because it was not meant like that. It was just meant as pointes, something that you need more than others, actually because you are rusty, how else should we oil you up so you can shine?
About the setting, while Operation Flankorage wasn´t the first one that sprung into my mind (and I am hitting it with a baseball for not doing it since it is so obvious) was I thinking on The Last Sentinel. I know that the story ain´t using the north as it full setting, but it does still have a big role in it.
And sure I will look it over once again, it is short enough to I have time to do such a thing, but don´t expect such things in the future as re-reads okay
2292210
No worries. I wasn't using it as an excuse. I was just making a point that I know there will be things wrong. If anything, I want you to find things wrong and give me some advice on fixing them so I know what's wrong. Even though it's hard sometimes, I do my best to accept criticism and only glance over praise.
Hope the few changes I made made the prologue better, and worth the re-read. I won't expect it for future chapters, but I do thank you for doing so for this one.
2292233
Yep. I was originally going to leave that line, as it is a Fallout thing, but I found something better (I think), so I did decide to change it. And I was hung up myself on the same issue with the "taint," so i may correct it. I'm glad you feel it's much better now though. I hope you can stand to read through the next chapter and that you can provide me with good criticism on that one and future chapters too. I always have a lack of good criticism on my works...
2292242
It is a general lack in Fo:E, that you even have so many comments on a such young story is a wonder in itself. And I will stay, I have after all moved it from the real later pile to my read now pile, that was where the fav came from after all
But if you want more feedback and don´t have anything against reading a few stories to get it then look at this group in here. They are build upon the "give a feedback, earn a feedback" system, and there is some that leave the better kind of feedback in that group
2292261
Alright, cool! Thanks!
I may not have a lot of time, but I've been needing some more reason to read some more stories, so I will likely be joining that group. Thanks for pointing me that direction!
2317236
Thanks for the review as always Doomande.
So, as far as the size goes, I actually had a huge discussion about this with my editor. The numbers and things we settled on were due to it being a smaller stable, yes, but also not making it so small that the gene pool could actually survive without resorting to inbreeding which would end up causing other issues that could actually have killed the Stable's populace and chances of making it the 200 years that it was supposed to be closed.
I do want to say that I already know that pacing, especially at the very beginning of my stories, and already knew this was a fault in the first chapter, but I could not for the life of me figure out ways to improve it at the time. All my ideas have been for later chapters. You've given me some good insight on how to fix these issues though, at least for this chapter, so I'll actually be going back over it and (hopefully) improving it today. I'll have to have my editor go back over it today or tomorrow if he can before I put the updated version here.
Thanks, though, for the advice. I hope you see an improvement with things over the next couple chapters. I'll also shorten those links up.
2322870
I am glad you liked that. I'm smart enough to realize that a lockpick is not the only way to open a locked door. Lockpicking isn't really in the skill set of my characters, but Lilybloom has a high intelligence stat, so she's smart enough to figure out that rotten wood plus a good buck equals an open door.
I do pride myself a little bit on actually having good writing skills technically, it's always the details I tend to fall short on. So for calling me out on it every time, I have to thank you for this statement right here: "Especially in your missing descriptions and how you often tell instead of show us things."
That right there is my biggest downfall and I know it. You, however, are the first person (including my creative writing teachers), to actually call me out on it, even though I knew it's been a flaw all this time. I've always worked to correct it, and have come a long ways already, so I'm glad somebody is telling me I still need to got farther with it.
I'll work on adding some to those parts you pointed out. However, is it possible you could give me an example sentence or two of what kind of description your talking about for what the stable looked like? I mean, I've been able to describe the aspects of the walls ans lights, but I'm not sure what else needs to be described about it.
As far as the food issue goes, I had another huge discussion with my editor on this. We settled on this fact here: The entire reason that the food has lasted 200 years is because they are filled with preservatives that maintained the flavour, and that the food had been irradiated ever so slightly from the before the bombs fell (or even by the bombs themselves). This radiation has been proven to maintain food for a long, long time. So it's a disgusting thought to eat the food as old as it is, as you point out, but it wouldn't necessarily be all that bad, especially compared to what you'd think it would taste like. I'll definitely add more detail to how she's feeling reluctant about the age of the food prior to eating it, though.
Also, like I said last night, don't worry about being to harsh. You've given me great advice and critique, and honestly, I prefer things like that to be blunt when they need to be. I have noticed though that there's less things you're finding wrong and just elaborating on one or two things (such as the show don't tell bit), rather than finding a bunch of things and giving shorter review on those things.
2324506
I have autism, so I need to focus a bit on things if I want to say something about them, so that is the reason to why I am only taking two maybe three things up.
Beside that does I still know to little about your characters to comment on those, have seen to little of your plot to be able to say if it is a good or a bad one, and have generally not found the feel that you are aiming after. So why comment on something that you only know the half about?
That you are missing some descriptions are a thing that I can see, and that you have a little habit of showing instead of telling should be commented in each and every story, because no matter what you do else does it draw the quality down a little bit.
Beside that do I already think that my comments are rather long, so there is no need to drown a new story with the first comment that I leave. I have only done that twice, but both those stories was also really really bad, and needed each and every little thing pointed out, because it was clear that the author thought that he was doing okay, and then do you need to smash those dreams to make something better.
2324651
Ah, I see. Well, no worries man. I gotch'ya. I appreciate every bit of advice you give me, so thanks.
2331016
Cool! I'm glad you like it so far. I'd hold off on reading Chapter 2 for a day or two, since it's going through the same revision process that Chapter 1 did just recently. There's about 1000 more words that will be added when all is said and done.
2331151
Yep, lock-picking isn't in their skill-set, but there are sometimes other ways...
Haha, alright. Some of what's being revised for Chapter 2 will address a couple of the things you bring up a bit better.
2334531
Haha, yeah.
As for the Raiders thing, yeah, they are overused, but this was only a small band. Things get much more interesting as the story goes on. This was one of only a few (like 3) times that raiders are planned currently, throughout the entire thing. There are much better antagonists to come.
Last time for now for a REVIEW TIME but a REVIEW TIME none the less
I think that most of my comments about this chapter already are said on the g-doc, an amazing way to look and comment on stories because of that lovely comment function.
But there is one thing that I did not mention, and that is how our main characters are taking seeing new ponies so lightly. In all their life have they only seen the same faces again and again, and more so because the stable was so small, so seeing a new face, talking with a pony that you do not know, must be really really weird for them. But beside that they have some rather old money that they can´t really use can I not see this being taken up in the chapter.
While I can take it with a grain of salt that they have such an easy time adapting to sleeping on icky beds, or other things like that, must interactions with a stranger be something so now and different for Dove and Lilly that they must react. I know that they are a bit shy in the inn, but I would have loved to see some more focus on this element. To often do we see or hear about stable dwellers that act rather much like a normal wastelander, beside that the pony from a stable normally knows next to nothing about the world.
I know that I am demanding, but you chose to use this element of Fo:E in your story, and I would love to see it work for once, even if I am a bit demanding.
But since this is the last chapter as of when I write this do I have a little extra thing to add:
This review is brought to you on behalf Doomande and the group: Authors Helping Authors
Grammar score out of 10: 8. There is no problems as such with your grammar, but I did still find a sentence here and there rather short, or much to long. And I am rather sure that there was a small mistake here and there with the dialogue punctuation a few times, but I do not know all the rules, so are not certain.
Pros:
Normally do I start with a word when I am talking about pros and cons, and does then explain them, but this little thing needs an explanation from the start. It is easy to see how much you burn for this, how you really want to be better with your story, and are taking each advice to you so you can be a stronger writer. It is maybe one of the biggest pros with your story, that I as a reader really can feel that you put your heart and soul into your story, that you want to tell it just as much as Dovetail want to do a good job, or Lilybloom fancies Dove.
Life. I must say when you hit that head on the nail do you really hit it. It is easy to see the pictures you have in your head, when you take your time to slow down so we the readers, also can see the world that you have made, it is just a shame that those moments are a bit rare now, but I am sure that there will come more of them in the future.
Cons:
"Telling instead of showing." I have said this before, and you have also said it, but you have some problems with the way that you tell your story. Writing it at points so it sounds like a script or commands to a computer, instead of a flowing story. Luckily are they rare, but that does not change that they are there, and is staining the over all quality of the story. Luckily is it something that is easy to cure, when you have found your own way to solve the problem, so I do not think that this will be a problem at all in 2 chapters time.
Characters and their interactions. This is something that I haven´t touched yet, but are beginning to be a problem. We are now almost 17K into the story... and does know next to nothing about our two main characters. Sure we know them on the surface, that they are friends, some of their morals and some other few things, but they are rather blank compared to other characters that I have seen in Fo:E. I do not know why it is as such, but it is a rather big problem that needs looking at as soon as possible, because nothing is worse than a bad character, or one that feels hollow.
Notes Section:
Remember one thing when you read this review, and the others that I have made. I does personally think that all the problems that I can see is some that is easy to solve. You have already shown readiness to learn more, to change on your story to make it better, and a willingness to improve, instead of saying that the stranger that came from the sideline and pointed mistakes out, and at times doing so rather bluntly was a jerk.
I think that I best can say it as I think that it is just some childhood diseases that this story haves, as you have said yourself have you been out of the game for ages, and do just need to get the head into the game again. Each time I have pointed at something is it not because I thought, but I knew that you could do it better if someone showed the upsies that was laying here and there. So even if I sound negative, even with the mistakes that I have pointed out, do I still think that this is a fine story. It is not a master work, or one of the best Fo:E stories that I have read, but there is more hope here than other stories that I have looked at.
As a last note for now will I just say one thing, watch out for your chapter length! From chapter 1 to 2 have you doublet your chapter length, and from 2 to 3 do you have an increase on 37%, and that is with the new wordcounts. This is not a rare thing, that chapters are going to be longer and longer as the story goes on, that there is more and more stuff that should be mentioned, and nothing forgotten. But a change like that in length are not giving a good reading experience! A good steady number, maybe swaying up or down with about 1K maybe 2K words are giving a steady experience. So try to think on that. Find the length that you like the most, and try to keep it like that.
So I hope that you enjoy your review! And now to the boring part, giving a review. I know that I have a story, but that does not need any more words in the state that it is right now, but I would rather have that you read something that I am pre-reading for: Rolling Bones
2336548
Thanks as always for the review.
As far as what you addressed here (the character issues), I've fixed what I could over the first two chapters based on your advice, but I know there are still some holes that need to be filled. There are a couple of major character development scenes coming up in the next few chapters, and I'll also try to build them up a bit more in the revised version of chapter 3.
I think the reason I suffer at writing good interactions is that I grew up fairly sheltered and without much social interaction, so I don't really have much experience in those sorts of things. I'll do my best to make their actions more believable.
Now, the chapter length issue: I know it escalated rather quickly. I am fairly comfortable with chapter 3's length, however, and will likely stick around there. Chapter 4 may end up pushing that a bit again, but I'm fairly certain I can break it up into multiple chapters if it gets too long.
I will gladly give the story you asked me to review a read. Just note that I am a really slow reader and it may take me a few days to get through it, but I will do so!
Thanks again,
Spirit
Alright, after many days (and by days of course I mean minutes) of searching, I have finally found it. Let's hope it is as good as "Death is Just a Feeling"
2398750
Haha, yeah, it was. |Link|
This is AWESOME so far!!
2512522
Glad you like it so far. Expect chapter 4 out sometime in the next week or so.