Welcome to Hell
Spot unplugged his fingers from his ears and crawled out of the foetal position. Wow. That was... Big. Dust and smoke still spewed out of the tunnel entrance, and the unmistakable tingly scent of magic clotted the air. The boom-stick had worked like a charm. Slowly, a smile began to creep across Spot's squashed, pug-like face.
"Boom-stick make big bang." observed Fido as he clambered to his feet beside him. Spot plucked the lantern from where he dropped it used it to examine his work fondly. Burn marks clawed at the sides of the tunnel, and patches of earth here and there still gout small tongues of flames. The crispy smell of burning was almost overwhelming.
"Aye, boom-stick make real big bang." Spot chuckled. Everything had gone perfectly. The stick had exploded instantly, just as the shady unicorn he'd bought it off of said it would. As much as he despised ponies, he had to admit that they had some pretty neat tricks up their metaphorical sleeves. They had a clear entrance into the bank, and easy way to transport the goods, and best of all, Rover had been reduced to cinders. Now he and Fido were left with a two-way cut instead of three.
A small pang of guilt arose in his chest when his thoughts turned to Rover- however, that guilt was promptly crushed by an immense wave of excitement. Sure, he'd sacrificed one of his most loyal and trusted companions who'd served by his side for decades on end, but hey, he did it for a good cause!
Gems.
Lots and lots of gems.
They waited for the tunnel to finish belching out smoke before plunging back into its dark depths. The walls were blackened with soot, and a thick veil of dust hung in the air like a heavy mist. The duo stumbled through the smoke, eager to claim their prize. From what Spot had heard, Equestrian banks were goldmines, absolutely brimming with riches.
Spot's heart began to beat faster when he saw the sunlight in the distance. They were almost there, by the Sun-Horse he could almost smell the gems from here! They were so close, so close!
Then, they heard a voice.
A voice that had wrought itself into their minds ever since they had first heard it all those months ago, and tormented them ever since. A terrible voice. An ungodly voice. A voice that had shattered their dreams and taunted them through their nightmares. A voice that oozed with pure, unadulterated evil.
"SWEET CELESTIA, MY BOTIQUE!"
No. No, no no no no. It couldn't be... It simply couldn't be!
"SOMEPONY, ANYPONY, HELP!"
There was a frantic clopping around the charred hole in the ceiling of the tunnel. Next to Spot, Fido whimpered pitifully. He began to inch his way back down the tunnel, away from the hole. Something told him that it wasn't the Ponyville Bank they had just broken into.
Spot stood where he was, his instincts telling him to run like a mad-dog, but his greed urging him to stay where he was. This wasn't happening. What would... she who's name they did not speak... be doing at the bank? Getting a loan? Then why did she call it her boutique? What did that word even mean? Was it just some fancy Prench word for bank?
Oh dear sun-horse.
They just blew up her boutique.
Spot turned to his friend, his lust for riches replaced with an overwhelming terror. "We just blow up the White Pony's botique."
Fido's Face dropped. His squinty eyes shrank into pinpricks and his ears flattened themselves against his skull. A pitiful whine escaped his lips. "T-the Miss Rarity's botique?" Fido had no idea what 'boutique' meant either, but if it belonged to her, then it was bad news regardless.
Spot shuddered at the use of the pony's name. Ever since the incident, he'd been scared stiff by the very mention of it. "U-uhuh..."
...
"We run now, yes?" asked Fido, his knees practically knocking together.
A single tear streaked down Spot's face. All of his dreams of wealth and riches, all of his fantasies of living in luxury, sipping wine from a crystal goblet, scarfing caviar by the pawful, hiring his own personal army to work the tunnels whilst he fucked some fancy supermodel...
All of it dissipated with a sound akin to a fart.
"Y-y-yesssss!" he sobbed, already scurrying back the way he came. Fido followed in suit, not wanting to subjugate himself to the white pony's wrath.
Neither of them noticed the Diamond Dog laying twisted and broken beneath the rubble.
*Beep beep beep*
Everything hurt.
*Beep beep beep*
Everything.
Every muscle throbbed with pain, from the major ones down to others he hadn't even realised he'd had up until now. His very bones burned furiously, as if the marrow within them had turned molten. He wanted to get up, scream for help or at least open his eyes, but every movement brought a whole new meaning to the word 'torturous'. Even the simple rising and falling of his chest summoned wave upon wave of agony.
*Beep beep beep*
Was he dead?
*Beep beep beep*
Was this hell?
*Beep beep beep*
The question lingered in his mind like a sour taste upon the tongue. No, that was impossible. There wasn't nearly enough fire and brimstone. Besides, all dogs went to heaven, right?
*Beep beep beep*
Right?
Yeah, of course he was right. He was totally right. He was so God damned right that he was almost wrong, but he wasn't, because he was right. Of course he wasn't dead, of course this wasn't hell, of course he wasn't going to spend the rest of eternity locked away in complete darkness without anybody or anything to keep him company apart from the agonizing pain and an incessant beeping, taunting him on and on, embedding its steady pattern into his mind and slowly ripping apart his sanity as lifetime after lifetime passed him by like seconds on a ticking clock oh God oh God oh God oh God oh-
"Doctor! I think he's waking up!"
Aha! Yes, a voice! Rover willed himself to reach out, but his body seized up in pain as he attempted to move his limbs. Everything felt so brittle, as if he would crumble at the slightest touch.
"Doctor? Doctor where are you? The patient is awake, I said he's awake!"
*Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep*
The beeping grew frantic, its steady pace erupting into an erratic mess of sound.
"Crap crap crap! Doctor? Doctor! There you are, where in Tartarus have you been?! We have a serious situation here, I don't-
The voice dimmed away into nothing. And then Rover was alone.
"Ephameeergh..." groaned Rover, peeling his eyelids open. The light stung his eyes, forcing them shut again. It was bright. Everything was bright. Why was everything so bright? He inched his eyes open again, this time slowly. He sluggishly raised a paw to shield his eyes from the sunlight flooding through the window. 'Stupid sun. We have torches now, planet no longer needs you!'
A stabbing pain shot through his skull. He timidly placed a paw on his head, rubbing it delicately. His head throbbed with what was perhaps one of the worst headaches of his life (coming from a dog clumsy enough to give himself concussions on a daily basis, that meant a lot). The feeling was akin to having his head stuffed full of hot coals, and that was putting it nicely.
Wait, were those bandages he felt?
What was this little plastic tube thingy doing in his wrist?
Why was he lying on a bed?
Where the hell was he?
"Hurro?" he called, his voice a lazy slur. His tongue felt numb and fluffy in his mouth and a rope of drool dangled down from his chops. He felt... dozy. "Hurroooo?" he called again, allowing another tendril of slaver to roll down his chin.
Rover began to feel uneasy. Not only was he above ground, trapped in some strange, white room full of strange, beeping machines (Rover had no idea how or why they beeped, but he chalked it up to black magic), but there wasn't an ounce of dirt in sight.
Not even a speck.
Everything around him reeked of unnatural, and quite frankly, it was terrifying. Here there were no places to burrow, no earth to dig. It was all so alien, so wrong.
A door to his left cracked open, and a white head of a pony nuzzled its way through the gap. A pair of blue eyes surveyed the room, shrinking into pinpricks as soon as they found him. Rover gulped as he began to slowly put the pieces together in his mind. He was lying in a bed in a white room with some pink maned pony staring at him like he'd just sprouted a second tail from his face, with a plastic tube in his arm and a dull sensation in his body. It all meant... He had nothing.
The face peering through the door stared at him for what felt like an hour before Rover decided to break the silence. "Hurroo?"
To say that Doctor Stiches was having a bad day would be an understatement.
Last night had been eventful, to say the least. That fancy-ass Boutique down the road from his place had exploded, waking up everypony within a five mile radius (which was more or less the entire population of Ponyville) and peppering his beloved home with rubble. The majority of his windows were smashed, the roof was ruined, and his beautiful garden- his pride and joy- was bollocked seven ways to Sunday.
The fact that he had to look after the asshole responsible served as the icing on the turd.
Sadly, the explosive said asshole had used on the Carousel Boutique hadn't vaporised him. From what he could gather, the explosive the diamond dog had used was infused with some sort of enchantment that protected the user from the blast. Where he'd gotten it from was a mystery, one that Stiches intended to find out, if only to find the guy who gave it to him and beat him bloody.
'The whole goddamned garden...
Stitches had spent months on that garden, and by Celestia, it had been spectacular. Lilacs, lavender, sunflowers, roses, even a batch of poison joke. Poison freakin' joke! He had gone through so much shit to get that! He'd had to wander into Everfree Forest, find some zebra herbalist called Zecora, pay her a small fortune for the seeds, labour over them for a whole week, turn pink due to contracting some crazy sickness from the flowers which that cheapskate zebra had 'forgotten' to tell him about, go back into Everfree Forest to pay that bitch of a herbalist another small fortune for the cure, and to top it all off, he'd been chased by a pack to timberwolves on his way back home.
All of that hard work, crushed beneath a hail of bricks and mortar a mere two days after he'd finished growing them.
"Maybe I'm just on Celestia's shit list..." he muttered to himself. He was sat in the cafeteria, nursing a warm cup of coffee between his hooves. Work had dragged on mercilessly, with the diamond dog requiring almost constant care. When they'd found him, he'd been pinned beneath the rubble, sadly still very much alive. The entirety of Stitches' day up until now was spent slaving over that mangy mutt, ensuring that he didn't die.
Still, at least he'd have the pleasure of handing the dog over to the authorities as soon as he woke up. That was something at least, although truth be told, Stitches would have been content to have simply left him to die and saved everypony the trouble.
What's more, He'd had to put up with that insufferable Nurse Redheart and her pushy attitude all day. Everything was always urgent with her, and almost always required his "immediate attention." He couldn't so much as take a dump without her booting the bathroom door in and dragging him off to do one mundane task or another. He understood that he was a doctor and had lives to save and all that jazz, but still, couldn't he get at least one minute to himself?
The cafeteria door burst open, and the all-to familiar voice of Nurse Redheart hammered into his ears. "Doctor Stitches!"
Seriously? In the middle of his coffee break? Was nothing sacred anymore?
She rushed to his side and forcibly grabbed him by the foreleg, wrenching him away from the table and his beloved coffee. "Doctor, you have to come quick, it's urgent!"
'Of course it's urgent! It's always bloody urgent!' he almost snapped. "What's urgent, Miss Redheart?" he said in the most refined voice that he could muster.
"It's the diamond dog, he's awake!"
That caught his attention.
Despite how daunting the following week ahead of him was (what with having to replace all of his shattered windows, redo his houses' scarred paintwork and sob mournfully over his ruined garden and all that) there was one small boon that he was looking forward to.
Seeing that scumbag diamond dog's face drop whilst he personally handed his furry ass over to the police.
A smile crept over his face as he told Nurse Redheart to contact the local police department. This was going to be glorious. Wondrous. Mag-bucking-nificent. He'd been daydreaming about this moment throughout the entire day, running it over again and again in his head. He was going to watch that fluffy SOB weep as he was dragged off to some dank cell, and by Celestia was he going to enjoy it.
He paused at the diamond dog's hospital room door, pondering how to make his entrance. Stiches was tempted to just buck the door down, waltz up to the dog's face and blurt "Hey buddy, guess who's the next decade of his life rotting away in jail!", but opted for a curt gentlecoltly knock on the door. He'd play this real suave. He would saunter in there, all professional-like, and then boom, before he knew what was happening to him, he'd be getting dragged off to court, kicking and screaming. That would be priceless.
Stitches pushed the door ajar, as giddy as a foal on Hearths Warming Eve-
To find naught but an empty room waiting for him.
What? This couldn't be right. Had he got the right room? Yes, he specifically remembered wheeling that wretched fur ball over to the hospital bed. So where in Celestia's sun was he? Outside somepony screamed, and Doctor Stitches suddenly realised that the window was open.
'No freakin' way...'
He reluctantly poked his head out of the window, surveying the chaos below. Ponies fled from the streets, screaming and wailing in terror, as the diamond dog bolted away from the hospital, as naked as the day he was born.
Stitches could almost hear the splatter as the shit hit the fan.
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But the assassins told me you wer- never mind! Glad to see you updating this story.
I love how Rover has got the doctor going into stitches. (god I heard that phrase a long time ago and I'm not certain I got it right.)
Huh. Diamond Dogs have God. Who knew?
See, God is D-O-G spelled backwards!
...
Hmm...
No, actually that could make sense!
ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMTIyMjI5MTUxMV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwMDI0ODY5._V1._SX325_SY475_.jpg
Wait... what?
3270807 You're right, diamond dog's do indeed have a god. His name is David Bowow, and he is the lord and saviour of all things dog! Also, he's a pretty awesome musician in his spare time. But moving on.
As for the clothes comment, well, I figured that seeing as all of the diamond dogs we've seen so far have worn clothes, I figured that there had to be something they were hiding.
Yes, I know they never wore pants, so technically everything would be hanging out regardless of clothes, but that isn't nearly as funny.
3270760 I'm afraid your assassins were actually successful, friend. I'm really Airbournesquid's brother, Airbourneoctopus.
3270834
Related topic:
colourlessgreenlinguistics.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/9yc1x8udwkyjjlrdwl614g2.jpg
3270852 Nakedness and cartoon characters, a match made in heaven, it would seem...
That sounded a lot less creepy in my head ._.
Now THiis I like :D
3270840
Well than I'm glad to have met you, good luck with carrying on this story.
On a side note however, if say a certain individual were to have you brutally murdered would that person then have to deal with Airbourneskraken?
3270852 Why was Mickey in the bathroom with Donald?
3270840
Raven: Well then, you better keep up the updates, else I'll send in my best man. Here's a hint on who he is: No eyes, always watches.
3271184 You don't mean...
I'm gonna go get twenty dollars.
3271113
gorgeousgifts.co.uk/custom/images/products/hires/the-brght-side-you-dont-want-to-know-door-hanger.jpg
3271335 Were they doing something naughty?
sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/maybe-yes-maybe-no-maybe-sex-i-don-t-know.png
3271328
Raven: ....... I just wanna know what's this 'twenty something' joke is all about?????
3271368 It's part of the urban legend of Slenderman. Give him twenty dollars and he'll leave you alone or something like that.
3271389
Raven: Well, unfortunately, Slendy works for me for much more than just twenty bucks, so you can't bribe him. Just get the next chapter up, and you won't feel him watching you.
......what?
pfft...serves doc right. *Grins*
Imma just gonna post this pic I randomly found.
media.tumblr.com/8717ddd1020e7fd20e51ab233e9d41be/tumblr_inline_mu4cciHPED1r9fzjh.gif
3297639 Thanks, and sorry for the late reply, my internet decided to die for a couple of weeks
3355512 Does that mean you've been working on it and that sometime soon all that hard work will get posted in a splooge of awesomeness
I ask this because I've had my eye on this since August and wouldn't mind seeing another chapter or two. Thanks 
Please continue Please!
i love this, update soon?
3486494 I'll try, but I'm concentrating on my second main story at the moment
Word of advice, never try to juggle two stories.
Yesssss.
It's back!
Also, RUN ROVER!
Fun story, good characters. The cursing is unnecessary if you ask me, the narrative doesn't necessarily need them to be funny, the first chapter had practically none and was brilliant. It's not like I'm a prude, I like adult humor as much as the next guy, but it just didn't sound like that was the style you were going for in the first chapter and BAM, the next chapter went, "fucking a supermodel" and it was really jarring to me and the following cursing is the same for me.
Have to say though, Stitches using the correct term (SOB) was kinda funny.
Shouldn't the doctor be "Stitches", with a "t"?
Other than that, great start.
5293662
Yes, it should be. Le derp.
Good to know that you're enjoying the fic
I like how you grasp the durability of equestrian creatures. not everyone does.
edit:
...ah well.
-I'm serious. in the comics, explosives that melt nails barely phase ponies.