Dear, Applebloom
Normally this is a request I would give to Twilight Sparkle but she is currently busy and I believe you, along with Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo, would be perfect for it nonetheless. Princess Luna’s nephew, Duo, will be coming to town from Canterlot and I want you, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle to give him a warm welcome and make him feel at home. I am positive the Cutie Mark Crusaders will be able to break him free of his shell and get him to open up to other ponies. Applejack and Rarity both already know about this and have full confidence in your capabilities. As for living arrangements, he shall be staying with you and Applejack. Meet him in the train station at 5:00 pm. Good luck!
Sincerely, Princess Celestia
Applebloom scanned through the letter multiple times before putting it in her backpack with an excited smile. Once she was all set she ran off to the Cutie Mark Crusaders headquarters to tell the gang about the letter. “Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, we got a letter from Princess Celestia!” The other two fillies inside the tree house both gasped and rushed to Applebloom’s side as she took out the letter. “Ahem, it says that Princess Celestia wants us to welcome Princess Luna’s nephew, Duo, to Ponyville in the train station in two hours!” She folded the letter and put it away into her backpack once again with a smile. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle both squealed in excitement.
Sweetie Belle hopped in front of Scootaloo and Applebloom, barely able to contain her excitement. "Do you know what this means girls?!" Applebloom and Scootaloo both looked at each other then back at Sweetie Belle with a nod. "We are going to have a relative of her highness in our group!" This time all three fillies squealed in excitement. "Well, what are we waiting for?!" Scootaloo and Applebloom both stood up showing they were ready. "Cutie Mark Crusaders Welcoming Committee!" All three of them had shouted before running out the door.
A small wooden shack stands proudly in front of a set of train tracks that stretch for miles. In front of the shack and behind the tracks there is a porch with a balcony above it. The sound of the Canterlot train pulling into the station was heard around the area by its huge train whistle. Applejack, Rarity, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were waiting on the platform for the arrival of the new pony. As the train doors opened Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo slowly smiled big and wide as they waited for the pony to step out.
Once all the mares, stallions, and fillies came out the train, the doors closed leaving three dumbfounded fillies on the platform. "Well don't that beat all!" Scootaloo said in a huff making Applebloom and Sweetie Belle look at her. "We came all this way for nothing!" Scootaloo pouted and started to walk away when suddenly another train was heard coming in. "Of course I could be wrong, eh heh..." Scootaloo turned back around and blushed in embarressment after she had said this. Applebloom and Sweetie Belle just rolled their eyes as they looked at the next set of passangers get off the train.
Rarity and Applejack both looked at each other and giggled at the dismay of the little fillies. Sweetie Belle looked up at Rarity giggling and raised an eyebrow. "What's so funny sis?" Rarity just waved her hoof at Sweetie Belle to signal everything was fine. "If you say so..." Sweetie belle looked back at the now empty train and once again saw no sign of the new pony. "Oh, come on!" This outburst from Sweetie Belle made Applejack burst out in laughter.
Another thirty minutes had passed and another train pulled into the station. After the first two disappointments Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo weren't too excited when the next train came. Once the train's passengers dispersed from the area all three of the now annoyed fillies groaned in disappointment. Rarity and Applejack were also slowly growing annoyed as well. If the new pony didn't come soon they would just leave altogether.
Applebloom suddenly perked up when she saw an elegant looking train pull into the station. It was lined with gold trim along it's wheels and body, the paint that covered it was white, and even the smoke that came from the chimney seemed elegant as well. Upon seeing this the rest of the group perked up as well and were even smiling. The rush of the crowd that came out though was unexpected to them as they found themselves being tossed left and right. Once the rush passed, two mares and three fillies were swaying left and right in a dizzy state. Once again the expected pony didn't show up.
Applebloom looked at the time and saw it was nearly two hours past the pony's supposed arrival. She then saw the others about to walk away forcing her to speak up. "Come on everypony! We can't just give up on Celestia yet!" Applebloom walked over to the group and blocked their path. "Can't we at least wait for one more train?" Rarity, Applejack, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle sighed and nodded their heads making Applebloom smile in triumph. Once they saw the train leave the station they stood patiently for the last and final train to come.
In the distance, the whistle of the last train was heard making the group turn their heads in that direction. Applebloom was confident that this train would be the right one, the others were not. The train eventually pulled into the station and it's doors opened letting out another rush of ponies. Once the hustle and bustle of the crowd stopped the group saw no one was left and groaned in defeat. As soon as they were about to turn around their names were called by a pony behind them making them stop.
Ooo, I like the idea. Okay, so to begin with, make sure to state who is speaking clearly. I was a little confused, and this might be aided by adding a line everytime a new pony/person speaks. That would clear that up pretty quickly. I like the idea, remember... DUO CANNOT BE AN ALICORN. He needs to be a unicorn, and sorry if that screws up anything for this story. It's okay to have nephews of the princesses, but remember that alicorn status is only given to extremely powerful unicorns. Twilight devoted her entire life to become as strong as she has, which is why she is becoming an alicorn.
Also, thank you for not trying to recreate Applebloom's southern accent. There are a few words you can use to give her one, just don't make it terribly overdone. Southerners have a dialect, but many of us actually speak proper English after all.
2074229
Well every paragraph only one pony speaks, the pony that is speaking has been mentioned Sweetie Belle is speaking in the second paragraph as seen when she hopped in front of the other 2. In every paragraph only one pony shall be speaking. Hopefully this clears up anyone's confusion.
2074383 I would still add a line, because that is actually the basic grammar of dialogue. Every time a quote opens up you skip a line, and then you can also pause the dialogue and continue it. Just make sure there isn't a huge amount of detail in the pause. I'm not saying that I didn't understand the dialogue confusion, I was aware who was speaking, but it needs to be separated because someone who is just reading this won't want to have to pause and analyze who is speaking. Either way I look forward to helping you with the next chapter.
2077387
Can you give me an example? Also im not done with chapter 1 yet but in Chapter 2 i will input the proper stuff.
2079035 Here
You may have read it already, but it has enough dialogue it could help. If that still isn't enough I have a few more with dialogue examples. You cold go look up the in depth rules of it too. Just Google it.
2079399
A nearly perfect example, I shall take note of it. Although the problem of who is speaking and when hasnt been solved.
I would recommend switching this up. Maybe they were "smiling a big smile".
typo
As for the rest of it, it's pretty good. It is a good introduction chapter, and I like how you kept all the characters in canon. They fit the show, and no more complaints about dialogue. It all seems pretty in order, but before submitting I would write the second chapter. Not many people are going to want to read just the first chapter to be left hanging.
2079852
Noted and taken care of. Typo has been addressed, and it now says "slowly smiled big and wide."
I shall try my best to speed up Chapter 2, I can not guarantee it's promise to be better formatted than the first in doing this though.
If there's four ponies involved wouldn't that make a quadrangle?
2079936
Nope because Duo isn't aware that they have a crush on him. They fight amongst themselves while he only has eyes for Sweetie Belle. So thats where the triangle comes in. Duo is in the middle.
2079936
Also it would be called a Love Square if thats the case, doesnt sound real catchy does it?
2079982
Or a Love Quadrilateral. Or a Rhombus, Kite, Parallelogram, etc. Rectangles are nice too.
2080636
LOL! Okay, okay you made your point! Thing is Duo isn't part of the triangle cause he only likes 1 filly and 1 filly alone. The reason for the "Triangle" is because 3 fillies like 1 colt.
2080701
Because I'm in the Geometry mood, I'll point out how Duo is part of the triangle. He's either the apothem, the radius, or a random point within. Depending on where each of the CMC is placed and if it's a regular triangle or not. Assuming we're talking about a regular triangle and each line represents a crusader with Duo in the center, he's the apothem. If each crusader represents a corner, he's a radius whether it's irregular or not. If each represents a line and it's and irregular triangle, then I guess if you consider the triangle as a plane, then Duo is a part of said triangular plane. It's almost like saying a freckle on your face isn't part of your face. Did I just write a paragraph arguing about why a fictional character within a love triangle is technically part of the triangle? Yes, yes I did.
update it soon pweaz
2081153
HAHAHAHA! Nice use of geometry bro! I see what you mean, in a sense he is part of the triangle cause he is in the middle of it all and there's no escape.
2082256
I am doing my best, just know that if rushed it will have alot of errors in it which im trying to prevent.
Oh yeah!
UPDATE: Chapter 2 will be in the same format as this one since i tried the other ways and it just didnt sit right with me.