And so our story begins...
In the treehouse, also known as the Cutie Mark Crusaders Headquarters, a few voices could be heard. Inside Scootaloo, Applebloom, and Sweetie Belle were seen behind three small desks. Sweetie belle looked at the other two before finally looking at Duo and speaking. "Welcome to the Cutie Mark Crusaders Orientation! We are proud to welcome our newest member Duo!" Sweetie Belle looked over at Scootaloo who quickly ran to her bongos. Sweetie Belle waitied for Scootaloo to be ready before continuing. "Let us welcome our newest member with our traditional... uh... orientational song?"
Upon hearing this, Duo chuckled lightly at Sweetie Belle's blunder. As soon as Sweetie Belle was finished, Scootaloo started playing on the bongos sending off a nice beat. "Now that the-" Sweetie Belle had been stopped mid sentence because Scootaloo once again kept on playing the bongos to her liking. Once the orange filly looked up she blushed with embarrassment and stopped. Sweetie Belle just shook her head and continued speaking. "Now that the orientation is done, let us give our newest member his Cutie Mark Crusader cape!"
Applebloom and Scootaloo ran to the closet and made a little fuss about who would give the cape. Sweetie belle cleared her throat loud enough to stop the fight. Applebloom came back and put the cape on Duo, eventually tying it in the front. The three fillies now stood side by side as they all bowed signaling the orientation was over. Duo smiled and finally decided to speak. "I am honored to be part of the group."
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A few days had passed since Duo had been accepted into the Cutie Mark Crusaders and things were looking great. Now they were in front of a giant dark cave because they wanted their cave explorer cutie marks. Duo tried to look inside the cave but all he saw was darkness making him speak up. "So who wants to go in first?" Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo stepped back abit scared forcing Applebloom to wave her hoof in the air. Duo saw this and simply smiled at her bravery. "Be my guest!"
Applebloom grabbed the hooves of Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle then dragged them into the cave with her. After a few minutes had passed Duo started to get worried as he paced back and forth at the entrance. "What could be taking them so long? Surely they should have been back by now." He stopped pacing and tried to look inside but to no avail, it was too dark to see anything. Suddenly he heard a terrified scream coming from inside that made him jump. "No!" He quickly ran inside using his horn to illuminate what light he could from it.
After only a few seconds he was able to find the girls and sighed with relief. "Thank Celestia you're okay! I thought that--mfffph!" His mouth had been covered by Applebloom who shushed at him to make him stop talking loudly. Once she let Duo speak again he was now talking in a whisper."I heard a scream, what's going on?" He then turned around and saw an Ursa Minor sleeping a few inches away from them. "Oh..." He looked at the three fillies and sighed. "Okay, let's slowly move back until we get outside." The girls nodded and slowly started to walk back when Scootaloo stepped on a twig making a loud 'crack' causing them to freeze in place.
Once they saw the Ursa Minor had not woken up they all sighed causing it to open it's eyes. When the Ursa Minor saw them it stood up and roared loudly making all four of them scream at the top of their lungs. Duo quickly realized that if they all tried to run the Ursa Minor would catch up to them forcing him to make a choice. "Run girls, i'll keep him distracted!" Sweetie Belle was about to protest but she go cut short when Scootaloo grabbed her hoof and dragged her out with Applebloom. Duo was now face to face with the Ursa Minor trying to figure out what to do.
Duo decided to throw caution to the wind as he shook his flank in front of the Ursa Minor causing it to roar again. "Come get me you blue bear knockoff!" This made the Ursa Minor take a swing at Duo giving him an opening to run up the blue beast's arm and scream in it's ear. The sudden screaming made the beast step back holding it's head. "Ursa Minor? More like Ursa Whiner!" The Ursa roared even louder and charged at Duo only to be blinded by a bright blast of light that flashed from Duo's horn. Duo saw the Ursa swinging wildly causing him to erect a small magic barrier around himself.
After a few swings the blue beast smacked Duo's barrier causing him to fly out the cave and into the three fillies waiting for him, anyone watching would have called that a strike. After the impact with the girls, the barrier broke and all four of them tumbled down a hill. Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo landed in a puddle of mud causing them to get covered with it, Duo landed a few feet away. Once Duo woke up he saw the mud and figured the Ursa Minor can't track them if their scent is masked. He tried to walk but his left hind leg stung massively causing him to crawl instead and slather some mud on himself.
Duo looked up and saw the Ursa Minor trying to find them but eventually gave up and went back inside the cave. The three fillies sighed with relief when Scootaloo noticed something wrong. "Duo? What happened to your leg?" Duo tried to stand up but once again he wobbled and fell down. "Oh no, you're hurt!" The three fillies walked up to Duo then looked at each other with worry. "Girls, I am the fastest of the three of us so I will go to ponyville and get help." Applebloom and Sweetie Belle nodded allowing Scootaloo to run to Ponyville for help.
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Scootaloo had found her scooter a few feet away from the group and decided to ride it through the trees that surrounded the area. She jumped over a few roots and even used one as a ramp to soar through the air making a grin creep upon her face. Unfortunately, this moment of triumph was greatly interrupted when she smacked into a tree branch, spun around it like a hula hoop and got launched straight forward through the window of Fluttershy's Cottage nearby. Hearing the crash Fluttershy dropped the tray she was carrying in fright. "Oh dear, what was that?" She looked at the location of the crash and saw Scootaloo face down and flank up underneath some blankets.
She gasped and went over to help Scootaloo up but was greeted by her hooves being moved out the way. Scootaloo stood up and shook off the dirt that was on her. "No time Fluttershy, Duo is hurt in the Everfree Forest and he can't walk!" Fluttershy gasped and started telling the animals around her that she would be back shortly. Fluttershy then looked at Scootaloo and told her to lead the way. Scootaloo nodded her head and ran out the front door, followed by Fluttershy.
A half an hour had passed since Scootaloo left and the two fillies that were around the mud pool were growing steadily worried about Duo. "What do you think could be taking her so long Sweetie Belle?" Sweetie Belle just sighed and raised her hooves in the air as a shrug. "Ugh!" Applebloom tossed herself backwards onto the ground with a loud groan. Sweetie Belle was sitting next to Duo who had been resting on the ground. She figured she would be the one to watch over him while Applebloom went on a rant and Scootaloo went for help.
A few more minutes passed and Scootaloo was seen running back to them with Fluttershy tailing behind. "About time you returned Scootaloo! We have been waiting forever!" Applebloom continued to scold Scootaloo until Sweetie Belle stepped in and pushed them apart with a grunt. "Sorry..." Applebloom chuckled nervously before looking at Fluttershy. "Can ya help him?" Fluttershy nodded her head and lifted Duo in her hooves. "Come on girls, let's go!" Applebloom and the others quickly followed Fluttershy back to her cottage.
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Back at Fluttershy's cottage Duo was seen laying in a bed with a cast on his left hind leg. "You girls did the right thing by letting me know, I am proud of you." Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle all smiled at Fluttershy's compliment but quickly frowned from what she said next. "What were you thinking exploring a dark and scary cave all by yourselves in the forest? You could have gotten seriously hurt by that Ursa Minor!" Scootaloo went to protest but Fluttershy gave her the stare causing her to freeze up and step back nervously. "You should all be grateful I don't tell your sisters!" The three fillies looked down sadly and ashamed. Fluttershy then floated over to Duo who was now sitting up.
Fluttershy tended to the leg then patted Duo on his head making him smile. "Hey Fluttershy? Please don't be so hard on them. The cave exploration was my idea to begin with." Fluttershy nodded and apologized for scolding the three fillies. Upon seeing Duo awake Sweetie Belle, Applebloom, and Scootaloo ran up to him and hugged him tightly. They all thanked him for saving them from the Ursa Minor. Duo had blushed so much his face was beet red as he fainted.
When the three fillies saw this, they all blushed lightly and stepped back. Fluttershy decided to talk at that point. "Okay girls, I think it's time for you to head home...if you please." The girls nodded their heads and walked out the door with a smile on their faces. Once outside, the fillies started giggling to each other. They all decided they would give Duo something to properly tell him thank you for saving their lives.
Applebloom hopped on a rock and spoke in a confident tone. "We should try and make it up to him!" Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo looked to each other and nodded as they sat down. "Like maybe we can make something?" Sweetie Belle made a face showing she couldn't do that, especially how accident prone she was. Scootaloo just shook her head and looked back at Applebloom. "We can buy him something?" She then caught herself at that point and sighed. "Oh right, no money."
Sweetie Belle stood up and got on top of the rock next to Applebloom which nearly made the yellow filly lose balance. "Maybe we can make him a song?" Applebloom and Scootaloo looked at each other then back at Sweetie Belle who chuckled nervously. "Eh heh, maybe not..." She thought for a bit then had an idea. "I know! I can get my sis to make him an outfit!" She smiled happily when the other two agreed. "Apple bloom can make him an apple pie with Applejack and Scootaloo can... uh..." She thought for a minute now sitting on the rock like the famous pony statue, The Thinker. She then sighed and looked at Scootaloo. "Do you have any ideas?"
Scootaloo just shrugged and shook her head. "Not a single one." She looked at the other two fillies and smiled. "I am sure I will think of something!" The fillies nodded with smiles on their faces as well. All three of them shouted at the same time. "Cutie Mark Crusaders Debt Payers!" Hearing this sudden outburst made Fluttershy jump with fright.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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UPDATE: Chapter 3 is now done and published, enjoy everypony!
An improvement, but you still have a ways to go.
Now it's all down to experiance and knowing when to start a new paragraph (hint: you have several that should be split)
2146197
every paragraph has 5-6 sentences which is the required amount. Don't believe me?
I dont count the dialogue as sentences.
2146467 That is a good upper limit. However what I meant was several of the existing paragraphs ran on a bit.
Example;
Back at Fluttershy's cottage Duo was seen laying in a bed with a cast on his left hind leg. "You girls did the right thing by letting me know, I am proud of you." Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle all smiled at Fluttershy's compliment but quickly frowned from what she said next. "What were you thinking exploring a dark and scary cave all by yourselves in the forest? You could have gotten seriously hurt by that Ursa Minor!" Scootaloo went to protest but Fluttershy gave her the stare causing her to freeze up and step back nervously. "You should all be grateful I don't tell your sisters!" The three fillies looked down sadly and ashamed. Fluttershy then floated over to Duo who was now sitting up.
Should be more like;
Back at Fluttershy's cottage Duo was seen laying in a bed with a cast on his left hind leg. "You girls did the right thing by letting me know, I am proud of you." Applebloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle all smiled at Fluttershy's compliment but quickly frowned from what she said next.
"What were you thinking exploring a dark and scary cave all by yourselves in the forest? You could have gotten seriously hurt by that Ursa Minor!" Scootaloo went to protest but Fluttershy gave her the stare causing her to freeze up and step back nervously. "You should all be grateful I don't tell your sisters!" The three fillies looked down sadly and ashamed. Fluttershy then floated over to Duo who was now sitting up.
Notice how the tone shifts more fluidly from praise to scolding by simply splitting the paragraph?
Also a paragraph should be a minimum of 2 sentances with a maximum of 5 or 6 but only is it maintains the same tone and subject. The praise to scolding example above is a good example for that.
2146524
That makes much more sense.
2146524
Wait, does this mean I am almost a part of the 10% fanfictions that are good?
2147100 No, but you are getting closer. The fact you are willing to listen is a testament to the fact you can be in the 10% if you take the advice on board. It's unlikely this story will be in the 10%, but it certainly won't be horrible with the way you're going. It is definitely a foundation stone though, your first step towards growing into a great author.
2149738
I am mostly just trying to do a small change of pace from the overflowing fictions of clop, HiE, BiE, gore, and tragedies. This fanfiction is meant to simply be something you would read when you just wanted to relax after a day of work or something. I believe I am doing well in that aspect. Also opinion on what i showed you of Chapter 4? Respond to that last part via pm.
The story was okay. first part was kinda slow for me but the speed picked up.
The Idea is there and it is a good one. but you are rushing this story way to much. you need to take your time, have fun with it.
It's okay.