Duo was seen laid out on the floor unconscious. His face looked like all the blood rushed to his cheeks and stayed there. "Duo? Are you okay?" A concerned filly unicorn had asked while looking over the colt's body, it was Sweetie Belle. She looked over to her two filly friends, Applebloom and Scootaloo, with a worried look. "Girls? I think we may have overdone it..." The two other fillies walked up to Duo's unconscious, and apparently blushing, body each having a look of concern on their face. "Think he will wake up?"
One hour earlier
Duo and Fluttershy followed Pinkie Pie for what seemed like forever until they finally reached the 'Party Barn' as Pinkie had called it. "Here we are, I hope you like the party Duo!" Duo only looked away shyly at the pink pony as he gave a small nod. The pink mare giggled and opened the barn door showing a very festive looking loft. There were streamers here and there, a big cake in the corner, a poster of a pony with it's tail missing, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity, and Twilight Sparkle were also there with a smile on each of their faces.
"Howdy ya'll! It's about time ya'll showed up fer the party!" Applejack walked up to Duo and pat him on the back. "Ah'm mighty glad ya saved ma lil' sis! Celestia knows what sort of danger that filly always puts herself in." The mare shook her head with a soft giggle as she looked at Duo's leg. "Ah hope ya get well soon buddy, ah still gotta introduce you to ma friends and family!" She pointed over to the group with a smile. "Of course ya already met Rarity, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie so ah will show ya the rest." She pointed to the purple unicorn and then to the rainbow-maned pegasus. "That there is Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash, as for ma family ah will introduce ya to them later." She then walked over to the punch bowl as Rarity stepped up to Duo with a polite smile, her beauty made Duo blush as she got close.
"Why hello darling, i'd also like to extend a show of gratitude for saving Sweetie Belle." She smiled at Duo who nodded in return, he was too shy right now to talk. "I know she can be quite a handful with how easily influenced she can be. Which reminds me..." She whispered something in Duo's ear making him blush deeply and look at Sweetie Belle who moaned her sister's name in annoyance. Rarity only giggled before she continued speaking. "You have to come to my shop sometime so you can be my model for colt outfits!" Once again Duo nodded his head in response as Rarity walked away. It was now Pinkie Pie who disturbed the silence by shouting 'PARTY!' at the top of her lungs.
Duo carefully got off his wheelchair and awkwardly walked a few steps before the CMC ran up to him and haped him (Hugging without consent). After Duo barely managed to slip through a small opening left by the hugging fillies he breathed a small sigh of relief at fresh air. He looked around at the ponies having fun doing their own things in the party when suddenly a light rapping on his shoulders shook him from his dream-like trance. "Hello? Earth to Duo!" The colt shook his head and looked at Scootaloo who gave a toothy grin. "I hope you like the party! I helped Pinkie Pie make it, although i didn't get my cutie mark in party making." She frowned slightly before perking up as Applebloom and Sweetie Belle dragged their gifts over with their mouths.
Sweetie Belle's gift was up first as Duo slowly unwrapped it with his mouth. Inside the box was a small tuxedo specially made to fit a colt of his size. It's black coat and white shirt complimented the colors of his mane and tail perfectly as the black tie hung around the neck for a snug fit. The colt wasn't wearing the tuxedo but he managed to gather all that information by simply looking at it. he threw a hoof around Sweetie Belle and gave her a soft hug. "Thank you!" The response he got was a blushing nod as he let go.
Applebloom was up next and judging from how quickly she galloped towards Duo, he half expected her to trample him. Instead she came to a halt a few inches away and placed an applepie in front of him. "Ah call it the Applebloom Special!" Applejack looked over and gave a small worried look, it was Applebloom who put in all the ingredients after all and Applejack only put it in the oven. Duo hadn't seen Applejack's reaction though because he took a small bite of it making him go wide-eyed. "Do ya like it?" Duo didn't want to disappoint Applebloom by saying it tasted like he ate a bunch of mud that he guessed was supposed to be chcolate, so he simply nodded his head. Applebloom gave him a hug as he forced himself to swallow the bite, he was going to regret that later.
He looked over at Scootaloo expecting her to give him a gift that came from the merchandise of Rainbow Dash's fanbase. Instead she averted her gaze and lightly kicked her hoof against the floor as she blushed. She eventually turned back to Duo and walked up to him. "I didn't know what to get you as a thank you gift so I decided to give you something that is a grown filly's way of saying thanks." Before Duo could respond Scootaloo gave him a quick kiss on the cheek making him turn red as a ripe tomato. Applebloom and Sweetie Belle stared at the kiss with their jaws hung low as the older guests simply giggled.
At that point a small twinge of jealously showed itself inside Applebloom and Sweetie Belle as they walked up to Duo and pushed Scootaloo to the side. "Ah also have another gift for you!" At that statement Applebloom kissed Duo on the other cheek. Duo, now faced with two cheeek kisses, stumbled back as red as ever not sure what to do. His vision got slightly blurry as he couldnt shake off his blush. He was almost afraid of what was next.
As if on cue Sweetie Belle stepped up in front of Duo with a warm smile. "Thank you for saving me from the Ursa Minor." She then leaned in and gave Duo a soft, tender kiss on the cheek which noteably felt different from the first two. This was the line that got crossed though, if the first two weren't bad enough now he had a third kiss. He swayed back and forth as red as anypony has ever gotten while everypony's mouths, except for the Crusaders, hung low with shock. He eventually did a 180 spin before eventually falling on his back and passing out.
Present
Duo suddenly woke up and quickly sat up only to headbutt poor Rainbow Dash in the face. "Ow! What the hay?!"She flew back a bit holding her snout in pain as she glared at the colt. Duo on the other hand was rubbing his forehead where he headbutt her. "Your head is as hard as Tank's shell!" Duo looked over to Rainbow Dash and apologized for what happened, she just sighed and nodded her head. "Don't worry kid, no harm done." A few giggles were heard throughout the room as the Cutie Mark Crusaders walked up to Duo with big smiles on their faces.
Applebloom was the first to speak up as she stepped forward. "Thank goodness ya woke up! I thought ya died!" Duo looked over to the yellow filly with a confused look on his face. Before he could speak though she walked up and was now uncomfortably close in front of the colt. "So which gift was the best?" She got a bit closer making Duo step back. "Was it mine? Scootaloo's? Or maybe Sweetie Belle's?" Duo looked between the three ponies simply shrugged his shoulders, big mistake.
All three of the fillies looked at each other and, in unison, advanced towards Duo. "Then we'll have to step up our game, right girls?" Scootaloo looked to the other two fillies who nodded their heads. Duo was now scared beyond words as he took a few steps back. The ponies nearby did nothing but giggle knowing that no possible harm was going to come of this. Unknown to them though that this was going to get much worse.
Each of the Cutie Mark Crusaders unanimously stared at Duo's eyes when a small sparkle inside them caused them to go silent. The way they looked now was almost as if they were in a trance. "um... girls?" The now confused colt stared at the eyes of the crusaders which had lost their luster. "What's going on?" The ponies nearby stopped giggling as Twilight started to walk over. Suddenly the trio broke the awkwardness by giving a huge smile with pink hearts in their eyes. "Uh... oh..."
"Oh Duo~" Sweetie Belle spoke the colt's name in almost a seductive tone as she slowly approached the shaking unicorn. He swallowed a lump in his throat as he stepped back from the trio. "It seems we have to have a competition to make sure there's a winner." After hearing this he saw the other two fillies nod their heads. Duo then bolted out the barn doors as the trio chased him close behind. The mane six were now completely stunned at what just happened.
Spike walked in with a confused look on his face and a scroll under his arm. He was going to ask but the ponies shook their heads as Spike walked up to Twilight and gave her the scroll. Twilight used her magic to levitate the scroll and open it for them all to read. "To my faithful student Twilight Sparkle..." She started off reading the scroll as the others listened intently before once again all jaws were on the floor. "Well... Celestia knows best." The mane six each gave off a nervous chuckle as Pinkie Pie simply bounced in place with excitement.
Meanwhile
Princess Celestia was sipping her tea as she gave off a small chuckle seeing what was going on in the barn. The crystal balls he watched turned off as she turned her full attention to the cup of tea. "I must know the recipe to this delicious tea that Tea Kettle made, then again only she can possibly give it this much flavor." She chuckled again as she took another sip loving the taste. Once the cup was finished she placed it on the plate and told her maid to take it away. She then heard knocks on the door as she smiled. "Come in."
Princess Luna walked inside her sister's chambers with a slight yawn. "It is time for thou to lower the sun and make way for night." She looked over at the crystal ball and raised an eyebrow. "Inspecting the civilians dear sister?" Celestia simply nodded as she turned it on to show the CMC chasing after Duo. "No...thy hath not used that spell on Duo right?" Celestia simply smirked as she nodded her head to confirm Luna's fear. "Thine sister will never grow up..." She then turned around and walked out the room as Celestia got up and proceeded to lower the sun.
So not the want it, need it spell? then I have no clue.
2406225 It's another spell that works like it but is only applied to fillies. It was used a long time ago by a perverted magician who was a fillyfiddler
2406247
maybe fluttershy has the adult version of the spell naturally aka "YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE ME!!!!"
I hope Duo picks Sweetie Belle, she is the quiet one of the CMC and the cutest
2406804 Lmao! I could imagine Fluttershy having it
As for what happens in the end, read to find out
Good drawing, Octavia 1997 is drawing mine right now so yeah.
2407775 Thanks! Also be on the look-out for my new fanfic im working on about Silent Bob and Jay!
2407783 OH MY GOD THATS GOING TO BE FUNNY!
2407791 Just think about this... Big Mac + Silent Bob + Weed = ???
2407797 yup everything is going to be fucked up. BTW hows your issue dealing with allergies I'm suffering from them too, but its not messing you up that badly with editing is it? Also add me on skype I sent you a request dude!
2407816 My allergies are making me want to tear my nose off and rip my chest out... as for the editing im trying to make time for it.
2407824 I feel that way too dude. And I trust you so I was just wondering how it was going.
2407851 future note, the ponies say hay instead of hell
2407859 I will change that. Also check your skype
2407878 you've already been accepted.
2407897 No I have a gift for you.
HA SWAG
Soo, now that I've finally remembered to read this and give you advice, do you still want it?
2453285 As long as it's constructive and helps me improve on things... and doesn't bash the living fuck outta my self-esteem for no reason what-so-ever
2458419
Don't worry, I don't do that
2459019 Then go for it
Now I bring you your review
Note: It's almost 1 in the morning and I'm somewhat tired, so I may screw this up a bit or forget some things
Pros:
-The plot seems simple and fairly manageable, which is good for a CMC story
- No alicorn OCs
Cons:
- Some minor OOCness
- Characters sometimes jump to conclusions/pacing issues (the CMC suddenly fall in love with Duo? Their feelings could have been expanded upon much more)
- Errors that could be fixed easily by reading through the chapter before posting (missing letters, etc)
Notes:
I came into this story wondering why Duo had to be royalty for this story to work. I expected an explanation early on, but I have read all of the chapters and I'm still at a loss. This story could be working totally fine if Duo was just an average colt that moved to Ponyville and the Mane 6 suggest the CMC befriend him. And even if he needs to be royalty for some reason, why does nobody treat him that way? They never really talk about his life back in Canterlot (I assume), and, in fact, they do treat him like he's just an ordinary colt. Now, I get the whole "They want to treat him equally" argument, but the CMC would probably bombard him with questions about it at least when they first meet him. This just struck me as odd, and I still have no clue why Duo needs to be this way.
Now, with that out of the way, I'll move to the second thing that bothered me the most, and this one I can't really blame you for. The writing style used for this story reminds me of how I wrote my first stories: Using more words to make it seem more sophisticated writing. I must admit, I do still do this sometimes, but I've learned that less words is better. Let me get straight to the point: There is lots of "This caused that," "This happened due to this," etc. I used to use these phrases A LOT, and you seem to do it, too. Now, these phrases aren't bad, per se, as long as you don't use them so many times. Read through a chapter of this story, and you'll see a lot of instances of this. The bet way to fix it is to break the sentence into two sentences, because these are usually two different thoughts. Almost always you can reword it to sound better. Key tip: wordiness is bad, and you should try to trim away the extra as much as possible. With this in mind, I'm confident you can find other instances of wordiness to trim away that you added while writing to make it sound better.
And now for a few miscellaneous things. The paragraphs in this story got really long, as previously pointed out. You replied by saying that you made the paragraphs the right length, but there isn't exactly a set length a paragraph needs to be. Sometimes the best paragraphs are one or two sentences long. In fact, I noticed while reading that if a pony speaks, you make absolute certain to have the character they're speaking with say absolutely nothing so you don't have to start a new paragraph. Instead they nod, point, frown, etc. This really bugged me, because in the show the ponies would just reply instead. It's much simpler.
Lastly, you really need to read back through your chapters before posting. I found multiple instances of missing letters to words and lowercase I's, and you were very sparse when it came to commas. Also, I believe the dialogue punctuation in this story is incorrect. I recommend reading up on how to do that correctly.
I hope this review has been helpful, and if you need further expansion/explanation on something, don't hesitate to ask!
Your Faithful Critic,
FlanChan
2459169 The catch: Duo's backstory gets explained in the sequel when he goes down memory lane in the first chapter. As for the reason the girls instantly fell for him was because of a spell cast on Duo that has a love spell effect. Any filly that sees Duo will instantly go head over heels for him. That will be explained in either the next chapter when Zecora gets introduced or the chapter after when Celestia explains to Luna what happened. As for how I write, i tried doing it how I saw the other writers do it but it just didn't sit "write" (Ha! Saw what i did there?) with me and every part of my book-writer side screamed to not do it. I blame my Typography teacher for making me so fixated on 5-6 sentence paragraphs, granted that I have to improve on my use of commas. Thanks for the review.
2459169 Also whoever said Duo was royalty? Did it ever occur that the CMC just jumped to that conclusion since he was Luna's nephew?
2459213
Well, being Luna's nephew kinda makes him royalty, considering that that means that he's Luna's sibling's son...
2459225 In history there have been people who were of royal blood but were never treated as such and were instead treated as a regular person. Or in this case Duo just opted to not wanted to have the stress of being known as royalty.
Again it will be cleared up in the sequel, I intended for the reader to be curious about that on purpose.
2459245
Well, it still struck me as odd that the CMC didn't even ask anything about it (considering their curious nature) even if they did just jump to conclusions. In fact, I think that they'd ask about it ESPECIALLY if they jumped to that conclusion. Then Duo could explain that he didn't want that kind of stress and they wouldn't talk about it ever again.
Also, a story should be able to hold up as its own story, even if it gets a sequel. Most everything should get explained/resolved, otherwise it will just leave the readers confused and/or frustrated instead of excited for the story to continue.
2459260 In truth... that realization hit me after I finished the third chapter... but since so many read the other chapters before I dared not change anything but grammar mistakes. I felt it was too late by then.
2459304
Really, there's no such thing as too late for a little scene like that. Since it's not a huge major plot point, you can just tell readers that you added the scene in (in like a blog post or something) and they can read it if they feel like it.
2460692 I have already gone too far...
2462556
Not really, considering that it's such a little scene to add in
2463505 I suppose i can add it in the second chapter, i just gotta think what to write.
2590093 Thanks for the tip, it gets better in future chapters.
I know it's a little too late but I did read this on youtube too back when the three parts were out.
2652060 We shall all give thanks to NinjaKraken for that
2463505 Check chapter 2, i added something that will hopefully satisfy your question of why the CMC didn;t ask about his nobility. They did now and even got a reaction.