... “did with her self.” – should be ‘herself’, so no space in between. … “blurt out impulsivley.” – actually, it’s spelled ‘impulsively’. Just a simple mix of a couple letters, though. … “vigorously search for a word that might stop what ever is” – First, I think it should be ‘searching’ rather than ‘search. Also, later in that sentence, the correct word being used, should be ‘whatever’, not ‘what ever’. … “You're cutoff by a” – actually, this should be two words: ‘cut off’. … “changed about her self.” – ‘her’ and ‘self’ shouldn’t have the space between them. … “nor is she not stopping” – That’s a double-negative, they technically cancel each other out. I’d suggest “nor is she stopping”. … “rings through out the room” – ‘throughout’ rather than ‘through out’. … “Celestia lays down starts to” – I think you meant to put ‘and’ between ‘down’ and ‘starts’, so it would read “lays down and starts to”. … “more interesting and inter” – double-spaced between ‘interesting’ and ‘and’… Oh, and did you mean to use ‘inter’ or ‘enter’ at the end? … “Your begin to” – ‘You begin to’. … “something and its gonna” – ‘its’ should be ‘it’s’. … “as her mouth slide” – should be ‘slides’. … “Not to be out done” – ‘outdone’ should be its own word. … “here pace, applying” – should be ‘her pace’. … “not to loose, you” – ‘loose’ should be replaced with ‘lose’. … “really good at this her age” – I think a comma is needed between ‘this’ and ‘her’. … “You gunt several times” – I’m pretty sure you mean ‘grunt’. … “into long deep breathes.” – close, but I think you meant ‘breaths’. … “princess, i needed” – “i” should be capitalized. … “She looks to you with heavy eyes” – You actually seemed to forget the punctuation at the end of this sentence.
… And with that, those are all the errors I could locate. And now, for what I wanted to type: My analysis. It seemed like you would repeat yourself often, especially with using the word “Celestia”. Sure, it’s her name, but it sometimes appears, like, five times in a single paragraph. There were also phrases that weren’t WRONG, but still ‘troubled me’ with how they sounded. One example is, “In one swift motion, Celestia forcefully brings you closer to her really fast…”. The ‘really fast’ sounded kind’ve out of place.
Is all this nitpicking?... Yeah, it is. Truth be told, it all fits incredibly well, and I would love to see another work from you, solely out of how this had turned out… preferably with Princess Luna, as you had written her in this. The descriptions are emotional but simple, the interactions are detailed and ‘spicy’, and the action is varied pretty well! Sure, the ‘horn’ usage kind of threw me off, but you somehow made it work out pretty well, and I can respect that.
I liked this story a lot, and… Oh, there’s another chapter!... umm… Okay!
If her horn's longer than 6 in, then the protagonist's colon just got stabbed. Death by Sodomy, what a way to go. That or I failed to suspend my disbelief and just figure cartoon "logic" to this.
I really should have seen from the start that this was a troll fic. The bad backstory, the bad characterization, the over used heat plot hole, and now this? Honestly, I thought you were going to joke with the heat thing and have it not actually happen, but then you went and played it straight.
Please at least put a warning in the description that this is a troll fic.
Man from reading this Celestia got me damned excited.
Must not think about celestia.
Dammit to late
..... What the fuck did i just read?
... “did with her self.” – should be ‘herself’, so no space in between.
… “blurt out impulsivley.” – actually, it’s spelled ‘impulsively’. Just a simple mix of a couple letters, though.
… “vigorously search for a word that might stop what ever is” – First, I think it should be ‘searching’ rather than ‘search. Also, later in that sentence, the correct word being used, should be ‘whatever’, not ‘what ever’.
… “You're cutoff by a” – actually, this should be two words: ‘cut off’.
… “changed about her self.” – ‘her’ and ‘self’ shouldn’t have the space between them.
… “nor is she not stopping” – That’s a double-negative, they technically cancel each other out. I’d suggest “nor is she stopping”.
… “rings through out the room” – ‘throughout’ rather than ‘through out’.
… “Celestia lays down starts to” – I think you meant to put ‘and’ between ‘down’ and ‘starts’, so it would read “lays down and starts to”.
… “more interesting and inter” – double-spaced between ‘interesting’ and ‘and’… Oh, and did you mean to use ‘inter’ or ‘enter’ at the end?
… “Your begin to” – ‘You begin to’.
… “something and its gonna” – ‘its’ should be ‘it’s’.
… “as her mouth slide” – should be ‘slides’.
… “Not to be out done” – ‘outdone’ should be its own word.
… “here pace, applying” – should be ‘her pace’.
… “not to loose, you” – ‘loose’ should be replaced with ‘lose’.
… “really good at this her age” – I think a comma is needed between ‘this’ and ‘her’.
… “You gunt several times” – I’m pretty sure you mean ‘grunt’.
… “into long deep breathes.” – close, but I think you meant ‘breaths’.
… “princess, i needed” – “i” should be capitalized.
… “She looks to you with heavy eyes” – You actually seemed to forget the punctuation at the end of this sentence.
… And with that, those are all the errors I could locate. And now, for what I wanted to type: My analysis.
It seemed like you would repeat yourself often, especially with using the word “Celestia”. Sure, it’s her name, but it sometimes appears, like, five times in a single paragraph. There were also phrases that weren’t WRONG, but still ‘troubled me’ with how they sounded. One example is, “In one swift motion, Celestia forcefully brings you closer to her really fast…”. The ‘really fast’ sounded kind’ve out of place.
Is all this nitpicking?... Yeah, it is. Truth be told, it all fits incredibly well, and I would love to see another work from you, solely out of how this had turned out… preferably with Princess Luna, as you had written her in this.
The descriptions are emotional but simple, the interactions are detailed and ‘spicy’, and the action is varied pretty well! Sure, the ‘horn’ usage kind of threw me off, but you somehow made it work out pretty well, and I can respect that.
I liked this story a lot, and… Oh, there’s another chapter!... umm… Okay!
THAT'S NOT CELESTIA!!! THAT'S MOLESTIA!!! FUCKING RUN!!!!!!!
Ok when you said read this part in a Scottish accent my mind went from my inner voice to its Shaun Connery setting. Well played author, well played.
2005663
HIDE THE MARES AND FOALS, NO PONY IS SAFE, AND FOR ALL YOU STALLIONS, SAVE YOURSELVES!!!!
Or if your the sacrificial type like me, stay behind and let the crazed sex fiend ravage you to by your comrades more time to escape.
If her horn's longer than 6 in, then the protagonist's colon just got stabbed. Death by Sodomy, what a way to go. That or I failed to suspend my disbelief and just figure cartoon "logic" to this.
Well, this was a complete waste of time.
I really should have seen from the start that this was a troll fic. The bad backstory, the bad characterization, the over used heat plot hole, and now this? Honestly, I thought you were going to joke with the heat thing and have it not actually happen, but then you went and played it straight.
Please at least put a warning in the description that this is a troll fic.
Woah I can't believe you did almost everything with Celestia in this fic.
I like it, but the little author's note was not needed. The Scottish accent was very clearly implied.
yeah i figured i eventually find a story where celestia goes sex crazy. can't ignore rule 34.
...i aint down with the sunbutt sodomizing me, g. i mean to each their own, but,.uh...no. no, no and more no.
try not to get hard hold on let me check ah son of a bich fuck im gonna go killmyself welp i better go become part of soil
WTB?!
im up for S&M and other stuff but no way anythings gonna go in my butt!!!
She is going to make this really hard on me.
. . .