… “mention alive. Just barley.” – I think you meant ‘barely’. … “your room, it's ticking” – you meant to use “its”, since “it is ticking” makes no sense, but I posted this for a different reason, see two errors below. … “and Celestia in one” – You double-spaced the area between “and”, and “Celestia”. … “Both say its sweet” – This was meant to be “it’s”, making it “both say it is sweet”. I pointed this out because it’s in the same paragraph as the two above, making them easy to clean up all at once. … “Tasty, you're unsure about” – Again, double-spaced, this time between “you’re” and “unsure”. … “You're thoughts on the” – “Your” is the proper way to type the word at the start of that sentence. … “at the loud thud of you doors.” … Erm… Okay, it seems obvious, but I’ll point it out anyway: ‘you’ should be ‘the’, or perhaps another word might be able to be used in the phrase… but ‘you doors’ was just strange. … “You grant it's wish” – ‘its wish’.
Well, those are chapter corrections… but that is little more than an introduction, much like this chapter to the rest of the story. What can I say, really? Second-person narrative is not a style I can utilize, so I envy your still. The descriptions were well-made, with no redundancy in their presence. An admirable trait of your skills as a writer, to say the least. In terms of the story itself, I will continue reading, to see what comes next. Oh, expect more from me, because I am sure expecting the best, worst, and all that lies in between.
Not bad, but the entire part where Twilight argues why it was good that she kidnapped him, and then have him agree with her is completely ridiculous. As good as this chapter was, that entire part was extremely contrived and nearly made me stop reading.
Next time you consider throwing in a bit of misanthropy out of nowhere, don't.
Other than that, it seems interesting, and since the part I didn't like didn't seem that important, I guess I'll keep on reading.
Dayum. I want a cinnamon bun like that god damnit.
but... I'm allergic to cinnamon
… “mention alive. Just barley.” – I think you meant ‘barely’.
… “your room, it's ticking” – you meant to use “its”, since “it is ticking” makes no sense, but I posted this for a different reason, see two errors below.
… “and Celestia in one” – You double-spaced the area between “and”, and “Celestia”.
… “Both say its sweet” – This was meant to be “it’s”, making it “both say it is sweet”. I pointed this out because it’s in the same paragraph as the two above, making them easy to clean up all at once.
… “Tasty, you're unsure about” – Again, double-spaced, this time between “you’re” and “unsure”.
… “You're thoughts on the” – “Your” is the proper way to type the word at the start of that sentence.
… “at the loud thud of you doors.” … Erm… Okay, it seems obvious, but I’ll point it out anyway: ‘you’ should be ‘the’, or perhaps another word might be able to be used in the phrase… but ‘you doors’ was just strange.
… “You grant it's wish” – ‘its wish’.
Well, those are chapter corrections… but that is little more than an introduction, much like this chapter to the rest of the story. What can I say, really? Second-person narrative is not a style I can utilize, so I envy your still. The descriptions were well-made, with no redundancy in their presence. An admirable trait of your skills as a writer, to say the least.
In terms of the story itself, I will continue reading, to see what comes next. Oh, expect more from me, because I am sure expecting the best, worst, and all that lies in between.
My turn!, My turn! "She was so adorable when he blushed" I think we can ALL see the mistake here
1983388
I dunno what error
yer talkin' about!
Not bad, but the entire part where Twilight argues why it was good that she kidnapped him, and then have him agree with her is completely ridiculous. As good as this chapter was, that entire part was extremely contrived and nearly made me stop reading.
Next time you consider throwing in a bit of misanthropy out of nowhere, don't.
Other than that, it seems interesting, and since the part I didn't like didn't seem that important, I guess I'll keep on reading.
2487418 I don't think I need to read any more than this to drop this story before reading it.
THE FIRST. WORD. IN THE FIC.
Aaaaaaaaaagh!