This American boot just.... Wait what!?
A pony was the last thing the soldier expected to see before he passed out but then again he did live with a wizard so he's seen stranger things before, as he was falling to the ground he recalled hearing a heavenly voice come from a maiden, well somewhat heavenly, if heaven sounded a bit raspy and worried then heaven all together. Being a soldier means there is never a time for a break, it means you have to be ready when duty calls. The soldier has always believed this, he devoted his life to the battle even when he was on vacation. He would train every day of every hour, he would spend countless hours writing up battle plans that he would never use. When the Soldier was waking up from his slumber he fell new and rejuvenated. Still wearing his helmat the Soldier yawned and raised his arms over his head, not noticing the drastic change of his body.
"Uhhh where am I, wait why can't I feel my fingers? Were my hands glued together again? SCOUT IF YOU ARE BEHIND THIS I WILL RIP OUT YOUR INSIDES AND USE YOUR CHEST CAVITY AS MY LATRINE!" Shouted out the Soldier trying to use his fingures. The yelling awoke Ditsy fairly quickly making her get out of her bed and walk to the guest room where the Soldier was residing at and she began to think bringing a complete stranger who fell out of the sky was a bad idea.
"Good morning. Can you please tone it down a bit my daughter is sleeping?" Asked Ditsy as nicely as possible she was still thinking the colt was some sort of danger if he threatened to urinate in some ponys chest.
"THAT IS A NEGATORY CIVILIAN." The Soldier was going to yell some more to prove to the civilian that he had to speak in a louder tone then he should, But a quick slap from Ditsy shut him up quickly. "You...you slapped me. How dare you if my hands weren't glued together I would have beat you senseless but your a women so uh I geuss I'm just going shut up now."
"Thank you, now are you hungry I was about to make breakfast, oh and your clothes are in the washer but uh I couldn't take your helmet off for some reason it seems to be on to tight."
"What this old thing." added the soldier as he began to smack his glued hand on the helmet. "I have had this helmet since WWII nothing could break through this, not bullets not rockets and certanly no lady hands." with one last smack from his hand his helmet began to crack, the soldier never thought that years of abuse could make his helmet break and after the last hit he felt the pain of a million dying, burning, puppy orphans. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MY HELMET! MY PRECIOSE HELMET!" the screams of a man or colt in this matter is one that brings tears to gods and others alike. the soldier has suffered many things in his life but his helmet was always there with him.
When his helmet finally broke it began to slide off his head for the first time in years the soldier was seeing more then he ever could. Quick fact the soldier never took off his helmet causing him to have very bad myopia or nearsightedness, so he forgot how the world around him looked. He eventually became like a bat using sonar to find his way around the more you know. The brightness of Celestias sun was overpowering, the soldier quickly covered his eyes and got under the bed. If this was the so called sun everybody praises then he hates everybody it burns his retnas and very soul.
"You don't take your helmet off very often do you well I'm sure Rarity could help you with your hat, but first lets eat some breakfast I'm starving." said Ditsy as she walked out of the guest room and went straight to the kitchen.
"I guess breakfast is a bit mandatory, let me just go put my clothes on first don't want to make my savior uncomfortable with my manmeat." as the soldier slowly crept out of his fort under the bed he quickly noticed something wronge he went to the mirror he couldn't believe what he saw.
Cooking was not one of Ditsy's strong suits but being a mother made her learn very fast. She started with burning cereal to making perfact meringue in seconds well actually it took about 2 years of cooking class and thousend of burned pieces of unedible food later but thats besides the point. Ditsy was happily cooking some eggs when she heard the shouting.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" is all that was heard when she saw the grey colt fall out of the top roofs window and run franticly to the streets. All Ditsy could say was "Crap"
The soldier was horrified he couldn't believe his eye's. "This can't be happening this is impossible." The soldier stopped running and looked on a window to see his reflection. He was close to bursting into tears because of what he saw on the mirror. What he saw was his hair, it was long and flowing. It looked like it was swaying in the nice calm breeze, he didn't care he was a pony his roommate Merasmus turned him into far more horiible things before so he was quite used to walking on all fours. The soldier has stopped crying and became mad he was ok with being a dog with a buzz cut and he was also fine being turned into a bald cow but being turned into a hippie pony was another thing. Without thought the soldier kicked a rock that went straight into the window of a mirror sale's pony.
The mirror pony was quite frankly pissed "You idiot! How am I supposed to make money to feed my family now?" the mirror pony was steaming he looked like he would kill a man well pony in this matter. "You better have enough bits to cover all the damages you made or me and my friends are going to send you down under......six feet down under." the soldier wasn't paying attention to the angered pony and kept staring at his own reflection. The angered pony couldn't control his anger anymore and threw a rock right at soldiers head.
The soldier turned around after being hit by the rock and began to walk in the direction that it was thrown from. he didn't say anything he just walked closer and closer the angry pony was starting to get nervouse and started to cry uncontrollably.
"Were you the numbnut who threw this here rock at my head?" Asked the soldier looking deeply into the ponys soul.
"yes" replyed the now scared pony he saw his life flash before his eyes. He saw the first time he rode a bicycle and saw his first kiss, he even remembered the first time he got lucky with his marefriend turned wife, he didn't want to die. So he did what any colt would do, he began begging for forgiveness. He grabbed his cash register and took out all the money he put the golden pieces in a sack gave it to soldier and ran with his tail between his legs.
"You are a spineless worm! You are a mistake of nature! You are walking vomit!" screamed out the soldier to the pony. After that was taken care of the soldier smiled and picked up the money "Ahh the spoils of war" he then heard the familier voice of the women who saved him and a new voice one that sounded nice and innocent, the familer one sounded very mad.
"How dare you leave the house and break my window.Do you know how much it is going to cost me for a replacement and and wow you have really beautiful hair." Ditsy couldn't belive how luscious this colts hair was she was mesmorized by it.
The soldier taking notice that the nice lady was distracted decided to leave. He didn't like being in animal form it always made him feel weird it was like wearing a soggy coat all day.
"ohnonono you are not leaving untill you repayed the window and..." Ditsy took a deep breath and blushed a little. She didn't want this colt to pretend he was her daughter's father but what else did she have she needed this colt to make her daughter happy and by the god Faust she was going to do it. "..... not untill you spend quality time with your daughter."
"Yeah daddy we're going to have so much fun together." Said the little pony as she was hopping around the soldier.
If the soldier was drinking something at that time he would have spat it out drank some more and then spit it out again. "My what?" Asked the confused soldier he didn't know if this horse was being serious or not
"Your daughter you said you would spend quality time with her before you left. Isn't that right Dinky?"
"yeah dad come on I have no school today lets go do something."
"When Did I ever preform coitus with a horse?" said the soldier as he was being dragged by both ponys.
"Oh now I remember it was when I was in germany and got drunk in that farm.. yeah thats probebly when."
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fun fact: the soldier is sterile
You know what would be great? If Sgt. Avery Johnson got in on this action and together they fight the Queen of all Wusses: Celestia. Reasons: She couldn't fight Nightmare Moon, Discord, Chrysalis, heck she couldn't even fight PARASPRITES. Soldier and Sgt. Johnson would steam roll her gargantuan cake eating ass.
(To those retarded troll buzzards out there, THIS IS A JOKE.
Any and all comments about how wrong I am or how I'm stupid or how I was dropped on my head as a child will be met with withering scorn and possibly pictures of your favorite ponies in slow agonizing death or the entirety of Cupcakes posted on your profile page.
)
1912312 I have no idea what you just said so I'm just going to think it's a compliment and thank you for it so yeah thank you.
Eeeeeeeeditooooor!
The only reason I haven't abandoned ship is because I like the concept enough to stay.
1913431 Good response Private Twinkle-toes!
The soldier BOUGHT IT
Well it is derpy who said it , she has the perfect poker face
1913863 Thanks for sticking through my horrible grammar, but it probably won't change so yeah. Oh and I'm a turtle BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM
1915550No, that's the stegosaurus. It goes: Helloooo. BOOM!
1915587 Throw the CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!
1918901
You're getting mugged!
No, you're getting mugged.
AH! How the hell does that even work!?
1918904 Did you eat my sandwich? I am your sandwich. Glgggggglfhgjjg
1918924
Lady: No, someone help me!
Man: I'll save you. Tree powers activate! *pop*
1918937 Man: Die potato
Potato:Not today *pulls gun out*
1919009
Man: Doctor, I think I might be a homosexual!
Doctor: How can you tell?
Man *while barfing rainbows* rainboooows
that last part was fucking hilarious!
More like...
Dash talking to Twilight: I think I might be a homosexual!
Twi: Why is that?
Camera zooms in on her mane
Disembodied masculine voice: RAINBOWS
Omg the last part