RvB: Friendship... Sucks.

by Alphadud

Reports

Prolouge : Reports.... Suck

---

Message from command to Red base: Heyo! Vic here! I am just calling to tell you that you are going to be receiving a new soldier to your squad. He is not a newbie so don’t worry about training him. He is a Chief Tactician, so whatever he says involving a plan, do it. He is from a special task force and is very good at what he does....Oh one last thing. Keep him away from anything explosive. I am also including a brief summary of what he is like!

(Description of new unit)

New Red guy is named:Roger.

Roger is a tactician that prefers to use elaborate ways to defeat his/her enemies and win through trickery. He/she was sent to red base in Blood gulch Outpost Alpha to help aid the Reds defeat the Blues. He/she is a very qualified scout so don’t forget that when he/she is making a plan. (P.S. He/she has a small affinity for fire and explosives.) (P.P.S. He/she is also slightly insane)

Catch phrase: Boosh.
Combat song: This is war by 30 seconds to mars.

(Gender = Female Male)
(Rank= Chief Tactician)
(Armor color= Fire red.)
(Prefered weapons= Grenades, Brute Plasma rifle, Dual Silenced SMGs)
(Armor= Recon)
(Can operate weapons: Assualt rifle, Magnum, DMR, Rocket launcher.)
(Speciality: Sneaking, Knife CQB, SMGs and Adaptive Camoflauge)

Personality: Likes blow things up and is rather reclusive. Won’t talk much unless it pertains to explosives or tactics. Doesn’t like Simmons because he/she hates kiss-asses. Will do simple reconnaissance just to pass the time. Loves to pull pranks on others with his/her ability to sneak around. Will go on rants occasionally about what his/her previous mission were and what he/she did in detail. Has random bursts of insanity.

(2 weeks later)

Summary of transfer from new Red unit:
“Hello this thing on?...Alright first question.”
….
“What do I think of my team?...I hate most of them. Sarge acts like he is always full of good ideas even though they are usually horrible. Simmons is a complete kiss ass and I quite honestly want to hurt him, but the little bitch would just run to the Sargent and complain. Grif and Donut are the only two of the group I can stand. Grif is just a lazy smart ass, but I can deal with him. Donut is just a big ball of energy that is relatively fun to be around. Although I can’t really talk to him or Grif with out getting a smart ass remark they are still better than those other two.”
….
“The area I am in? Well that is Something entirely different. There are so many vantage points that it’s crazy. This is a tactician’s dream! You can’t go five feet without seeing at least five different vantage points. It’s crazy!! Now if I could only get those assholes to actually listen to me.”
….
“What did I do before I came here....That is a big question. I commanded a strike team to take over bases, stop convoys, and intel. I have killed more covenant than you have probably seen.”
….
“The other team?.....They are all jack asses. Not just the blues. The reds too. They all are just idiots. I saw this dark blue guy run right up to a tank and start talking to it!! Like it was a fucking woman! Seriously...How long have these guys been here!?...I did see one guy that was remotely intimidating. He was covered in burn marks and scratches. Doesn’t matter though...I got my knife and grenades. I don’t need bullets to kill someone.”
….
“What do I do when I’m not taking orders?...BLOW STUFF UP. I have enough grenades to light up this gulch better than the 4th of july!! Or just sneak around and fuck with the others.”
….
“How am I adapting? That’s easy to answer. NOT. WELL. There is nothing here to do other than kick dust. I mean yeah we have a car, but I am restricted from it. So I spened my time blowing stuff up. Other than that I am still trying to get used to everyone. Oh and the beds here...SUCK. They are awful. I am just glad the inside of my armor is padded, so I just go out and sleep in a tree. I know I know ‘it’s dangerous!’, but I can cloak when I am completely still. So I won’t be spotted.”
….
“Any encounters with the blues? Ho yeah....We somehow ended up in a battle and it was a massacre on both sides. Remember that tough guy I told you about earlier? he knocked every one of my teammates right the fuck out. Luckily I fucked up the blues myself. These guys aren’t very combat trained....Anyway how it ended was I picked up this one blue’s sniper and turned around to pick off the last blue, but he apparently had the same idea. So we ended up in a draw with my rifle against his stomach and his shotgun against my head....it ended up with neither of us wanting to die so we did the next best thing. We backed away slowly. Tossed each other’s guns over. Gave the good game nod. And carefully walked away......Pretty good day if I do say so!”
….
End of the report.

---

Message from Command to Outpost 1-A : Blood gulch ; Hey! Blue guys! It’s Vic-o here, just dropping by to say in your newest supply shipment you are going to get a new guy! Oh and don’t worry about training him, he’s a Assault specialist... y’know those Aggressively Calm guys who storm the front lines? Good! Then I will skip the lecture that would take a hour or so just to explain how he works! Also I’m sending over a description of the new guy. Enjoy!

(Description of new guy)

New Blue guy is named:Rino...

Rino is more of a guy who deals with problems head on instead of skirting around them. He’s a so called Assault specialist, and a good tactical aid when it came down to it. He was sent to Outpost A-1: Blood gulch to aid in the defeat of Reds.. He’s also very calm and playful when you get to know him. Don’t get on his bad side though, he’s very aggressive in the field. (P.S This guy have a weird weapon with him, I suggest that you don’t touch it. He seems over protective of it.)
(P.P.S I’m pretty sure what this guy do for stress relief is to storm enemy forts or bases just so you know.)

Catch phrase: No pain, No gain.
Most listened song in combat: Self vs Self (feat. In Flames) - Pendulum.

(Gender = Male)
(Rank = Assault specialist)
(Armor color = Deep sea blue)
(Prefered weapon = Needler Rifle. Knife, Fists or Magnum.)
(Armor = O.D.S.T[Spartan version][Battle scared])
(Can operate weapons = Sniper rifle, Assault rifle, DMR, Shotgun. Flame thrower.)
(Speciality: Assault missions, Unarmed and CQB combat, Running.)

Personality: Have a knack for dealing with problems dead on. He rather charge in to a firefight than walk around it to reach his objective. He stops for nothing. And hes easy to bore, He loves to clean his Needler rifle which he took from a dead Elite that he killed. He has been in a lot of firefights and knows how to handle himself in one. He does not like Church, because he bosses him around. And he clearly does not have any experience commanding anything.
He likes to look around and chill when he gets the chance, he also likes to be annoying when he gets the chance, like to make smart ass remarks ever so often or something like that. He does not like to get shot at even though he have a lot of marks on his Armor to show that hes really been out there in the field. He’s also very hostile looking, but he is very friendly... But not to new people he meets.

(2 weeks later)

Summary of transfer from new blue guy:
"Alright.... Here goes.... Hope this thing is on."

“Well.... I hate it, why would you send me here? We are in a boxed-in-canyon, I mean why do we even have a base here? Its probably because they have a base over there. So if we were to pull out today, and they took over this base they would have two bases. In a boxed-in-canyon... Whoop-de-fucking-doo. Oh and my thought about my teammates?
Well let me make it simple and clear...”
….
“Private Church or the self proclaimed leader around here, is a major jackass. He have no idea what he is doing and tries to make me do things. For Christ sake at least the guy could train a bit with the sniper he always is caring around, I mean he can barely hit a stationary target. I’ve noticed that he can hit things, but its either out of pure luck or hes in danger. “
….
“Private Tucker, always cracking sex jokes, always talking about Chicks and booze and how he could pick up girls in the Red's car. And how he could score five hundred chicks with it. Makes me think hes all talk and no action. He wouldn't be that bad if he stopped talking about sex. He might be more tolerable if he just stopped being such a idiot and actually could fight worth crap.”
….
Private Caboose, I honestly don’t what you dumbasses in command were thinking when you recruited Caboose, I mean we had standards back in the day... Okay I’m not that old but still, this guy is almost like a retard. He talks to our tank for fuck’s sake! And that is almost everything he does, he seems to avoid me because of my appearance. That’s good because I’ve seen him stalk Church and Tucker almost everywhere they went unless they put him to work. Oh and I must add, that this guy is Inhumanely strong.... It must be God’s way of compensating...”
…
“The area I’m in? I already told you that.”
…
“What was I doing before I got transferred here?
Something less useless than walking around the base a hundred laps before leaning against the wall. I want to kill something now.”
…
“The other team?
Bunch of idiots of you ask me, I saw that there was a Maroon one that was kissing the ass of the commanding officer, I hate those types. Then we have the orange one. Always slacking off, taking naps away from the base... He’s leaving himself wide open to sneak attacks. We also have their Sarge, he's really something else. In fact he seems hell bent on killing the orange one... I have no idea why... But it’s less work for me..... Then have that weird pink guy, I think he’s gay or something.... I have no comments about that except that he seems to be a little more sensitive than the other guys.
….
But there is one fiery looking guy in Recon armor, He seems like he could put up a half decent fight... Before dying horribly by my hands, He seems like a rookie... His armor is shining in the sun. He can’t have much experience in the field but I should not judge a book by its cover.”
…
“What do I when I’m not taking orders? I train, I fix weaponry, I eat, I listen to music, I harass Church. I have this weird feeling that something bad is going to happen. I also ever so often scout the enemy base. And such. I also take care of my needler rifle.”
…
“How am I adapting? Well, this place sucks. Nothing to shoot at, or do for that matter. I have no idea what the others do for fun around here, and I sure as hell ain’t finding out either. Other than that, I’m pretty sure this place is like a normal base... Except that every one fights for the food, the beds feels like rocks and Everyone keeps trying to Inspect my armor when I’m sleeping, that’s just plain creepy if you ask me.”
….
“Any encounter with the Reds?
Yeah... Once. In the field, Caboose had led us on some weird chase and ended up attracting the reds. So the first thing I did was to knock out every one except this fiery guy who had the exact same idea. I saw him knock out Tucker so when I knocked out their Sarge, I quickly picked up his shotgun spun around just to find him doing the exact same, but with Church’s sniper. So there we were standing both with shit deadly weapons pointed at each other at point blank range. So what do we do? We call it a draw, by backing up slowly. Tossing the weapons we stole back to each other and giving a Well played/Good game nod to each other before walking way.... Didn’t think the Fiery guy could actually fight, that day was actually interesting.”
…
End of the report.

Comments

[spetsnaz pinkie pie]

Faving now just this chapter is hilarious I'm giggling like a school girl and I don't know why vodka would be good right about now

[McNanite]

Nailed it, more or less. I'll be faving this.

[SailorBrony]

Hey Alpha! I just saw the newest fic of yours!!
Edit: AWESOME!!

[bloodwolf432]

A stealthy explosives expert who also is tactical expert? And led a team while prone to fits of insanity, refusing to talk to anyone unless it was about explosives or tactics? This doesn't make sense in the slightest.

And why do you feel the need to put down on the crew? Sure they're not that smart, brave, or skilled. But that did not stop them from taking down the group that made Agent Texas, Washington, and Omega. What they lack in skill, they make up in their sheer inability to die.

But I'm starting to rant, I can already tell where this is going and so I only have this to say

i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/176/406/Abandon%20thread%207.gif

[Literature]

...he says involving a plan. Do it.

Should be "plan, do it."

He/she is a very qualified scout so don’t forget that when he is making a plan.

"He" should be "He/she" I think. Also this sentence seems incomplete.

Sargent acts like he is always full of good ideas

Should be Sargeant Seargent Sarge

Griff and Donut

*Grif

I don’t need bullets. To kill someone.

Unnecessary period.

so we did the next best thing.

Double space.

He have been in a lot of fire fights and

"He has been in a lot of firefights and"

himself in one, He does not like Church. Cause he thinks he’s the boss around him

Himself in one. He does not like Church, because he bosses him around.

clearly does not have any experience commanding any thing.

*anything

But not too new people he meet.

But not to new people he meets.

how he could pick up girls in the reds car.

*Red's

Hes also not all that bad if he ever stopped talking about sex

Try "He wouldn't be that bad if he stopped talking about sex"

and actually could fight worth a crap

The saying is "Worth crap". Try dropping the "a".

We also have their Sarge, hes really something else.

*he's

I have no idea what the other do for fun around here, but I sure as hell ain’t finding out either.

I have no idea what the others do for fun around here, and I sure as hell don't want to find out.

[Haybales22]

RedvsBlue and mlp combined? BEST. THING EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dude seriously, now all we need to do is add the Yogscast, Pewdiepie and Tobuscus, and we have the ultimate fanfic. not actual suggestions, but still. Good job though. You said grif was orange, shoulda used the "yellow" gag

[Dryarus]

Interesting. Proceed.

[RobbyTheRogue]

first impressions. The new recruits seem very out of place. They sound above competent, that's already treading SUE waters in a RVB fic.
The guys are where they are because they were singled out as the worst and are only useful as target practice for actual soldiers. My only guess is these two messed up pretty big to get where they are....sleeping with CO's daughter+large collateral damage to military property territory. Maybe even getting their CO demoted and so he decides to call up a friend to send them into such a position.
Or they lost it and their skills have deteriorated so far that they're defective with prior experience that could be occasionally useful.
Gonna have to read more though....eh, liked until you give me reason not to.

[AnAsianToaster]

Have you considered getting a proofreader? You kinda need one.

[Lunar Knight231]

1902122 your right that what i did when i joined 3 rvb forum rp you have to justify having them being competent like one were one character was a competent fighter doctor and tactician but he was always drunk and when he wasn't he had a habit of going fetal postion

[GuardianofRoin]

1887380 I'm glad there's someone here who is actually constructive in their criticism. Most of the time I see things like 'gay' and 'stupid' when I see comments for a lot of stories.

[Bookhunter31901]

OMG, this is gonna be good. The cast of RVB will be fine in equestria because they are pretty much harmless. But the recruits actually know what they are doing. Coboose and donut are gonna love equestria but Sarge, Grif, Simons, Church, Tucker, and the recruits are gonna say "what the f***"

[Just Defender]

Anyone ever notice the Blues have been understaffed this entire time? Tex, Doc, and Wash were never really made official Blues, and Sheila's role eventually became pretty vague.
So its been Church, Tucker, and Caboose vs. Sarge, Grif, Simmons, Donut, and Lopez.

[Armageden]

Well he’s gonna loose his sanity