Handsome Jack In Equestria

by East Coast

Chapter 3: Sweet dreams are made of Jack

As I walked down the stairs I took a good look around the room below me.

It was like a retarded childs chemistry set had sex with a power plant and half way through, they vomited magic bobbles everywhere. I had never seen such a nonsensical array of crap sense I first designed the JNK Loaders.

I mean it was neat but... Kinda like an "autistic genius is smart", kind of neat. You know, like, how that doesnt make sense to you, but it makes sense to someone dumber than you kind of thing?

Well that was this 'lab'.

The machines were off...

They had machines and magic...

But no frickin lightbulbs!

Explain that to me!

Oh yeah and the bed she was talking about? Yeah just found it.

It was about 20% lamer than claptrap.

And nobody likes him, I'll let you do the math on that.

It was a bandit bed.

Cheap, crapy metal frame around a shity little cott, overflowing with-Get this-

Hay. Yeah. Hay. As in what you feed horses.

What horses eat, that gets digested, and pooped out at a later date...

I was expected to sleep on a bed of shit...

I'll take "fuck that", for five hundred.
----------------------------------------------------

Twilight stared at the list. It was a very large list.

Her haunches trembled a bit as a heat spread throughout her.

A very, very large list.

So many questions, such a word count was so rare to find these days. Punctuated sentences, with proper grammer.

And, this one, this one had a future.

A test.

To help somebody.

Twilight layed her hoof on the rolled up scroll, her cheeks hot and her body ready.

"I'm going to study the fuck out of you."

Twilight inhaled deeply, taking in the scent of her new project... And of something burning.

"Spiiike! I told you you can't send letters after eating bacon, it just burns the paper and leaves the royal palace smelling of brimstone and pork!"

"It's not me Twi, I swear!"

Twilight looked around. Spike was sniffing about like a hound, seeking some illusive game.

"I think it's coming from the basement."

At that, Twilight became alarmed. Handsome jack was in the basement! Years of research on friendship! And she lived in a tree! A fire at the base of her tree home would be ruinous for her livelyhood!

Naturally the only reasonable response was to go down into the would-be inferno and zap it with magic.

And that's exactly what she did, upon teleporting into her basement Twilight found the source of the fire.

The bed had been set aflame and Jack was doing exactly what she told him not to do.

"Jack! What are you doing?! And what in tartaurous happened to the bed?!"

Jack looked up from his work. He had disassembled the machinery Twilight had used to study Pinky and the metal frame that had formerly been around the bed.

"What? Oh heyTwinkle Night, yeah I wasn't going to sleep on that thing. Papa Jack always said 'dont sleep on what somebody might eat if you don't wanna be lunch' and I'm four full courses of awesome, so you see my problem? I had to set it on fire. However, I know how much pony hospitality means and because I'm such a loving, tolerant guy I decided to make you a robot. No need to thank me, just, ya know... You're welcome."

This man.

Was crazy.

Twilight magi-terialised a bucket of water to dowse the flame, and with a deep sigh approached the mad man.

"Jack I-"

"Hold that thought Sprinkle Light, I'm almost done."

This was true. He was indeed almost done with what would Equestria's first robot.

"Ha! Got it!"

He had it.

"Here ya go Dusk Shine. A true, bronyfied, ponyfied, Jack designed, Jack built, Jack approved... Hyperion robot... I give you..."

Jack turned in a flourish, revealing the little polygon on the table.

"CL0P-TRT!"

The little robot rolled off the table and spun around on its one wheel in a display of skill and cuteness.

"Ain't he cute?"

"Hell ya I'm cute! I mean look at me! I'm the king of frickin adorableness-ness!"

"Heh ha... All yours Twilight... All-fucking-yours."

Jack's voice was quiet... And highly venomous.

Comments

[Ponynator]

"CL0P-TP!"

Are you serious?

[MyLittleBurger]

So Cloptrap? Wut?

[Zenigata]

More like Clop-Trop since Clap-Trap has -ap at the end so why not extend it to the new robot's name? Maybe Clop-Trot to make it sound better. Regardless of that, I like the story. Sure its very bare in details but you capture Jack's passive-agressive, benevolent-malevolent personality very well. If you can flush out the story to read out as more of a novel, it would definitely increase the appeal of the story.

[East Coast]

1682134

Hmm... Yes... Yes that may be able to be done.

[MicNight]

i find this funny really but i wish it was longer for chapters since its a first handsome jack story i come arcoss so far. please

[Chaos Nightmare]

dusk shine

i see what you did there

[East Coast]

1690336

I won't lie. I do not have a plan to exeed twelve chapters. Although I enjoy writing as H-J and the concept (that seems to be original as far as being Jack centric) Im working on so many other projects. I feel bad that I look in my story bucket, I see so many with not a word in them. Thats entirely my fault but still. Im working on extending chapter length by adding more novelesque descriptions of the surroundings, Jacks view on the ponies themselves and other writery things... In truth this started as one part homage to Zer0 in Equestria and one part writing exercise, and has become something I wish to see blossum to "blakity blank in equestria" greatness... Not that I suspect it will...

Really by the end, I want people to see Jack in a new light. I mean he really had a shity life and a noble plan...

He just took the most dick-like path to get it done, which is a flaw in his characters roots.

Jack is an ass hole-therefore he must fail.

...

This post is about as long as a chapter...

-insert jack passive-aggresively sarcastic comment here-

Next chapter!

[MicNight]

1703366
Well now that I understand I'm not expecting you to then but either way I like the story overall and its funny still. Funny idea clop-trap that was hilarious.

[klystron2010]

Punctuated sentences, with proper grammer.

Riiiight...

"CL0P-TRT!"

"IT'S NOT CL0P-TRTS!"

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