Background Villain

by Good Christian Ethesto

Crystal Kingdom

The train pushed snow out of the way with its super magical snowplowing technology as it rolled up to the station. It let forth a series of loud, high-pitched whistles before finally coming to a stop. The doors slid open, and out stepped our protagonists in all their protagonistic glory. No other ponies seemed interested in this destination, so they were all alone. Applejack was in the lead as the small group walked across the wooden platform, holding her hat on her head with one hoof while Berry Punch was tied and gagged on her back in a very compromising position. The wind was howling in their ears as it flung snow that had been kicked up into their faces.

Bon-bon asked the question that was on all their minds. "Why does the train stop here? The crystal city is like a mile away!" She wasn't particularly fond of walking through several feet of snow in what seemed like a blizzard. Then again, who is?

"Why is the crystal pony city even in the middle of the tundra? That just seems stupid." Complained Lyra as they stepped off of the platform.

"Where else would they build it?" Asked Dirpy who failed to see the problem. She loved the snow, even if this was a little more than she was used to. She assumed the crystal ponies probably just really liked snow ball fights or something.

"I don't know, maybe someplace habitable." Replied Bon-bon sarcastically.

"But they're rocks, they can't even feel cold." Dirpy replied, surprisingly using a small amount of logic.

"Minerals." Lyra corrected. "Crystals are minerals, not rocks. There's a distinct difference."

"Now ah don't know what the hay the difference between rocks and minerals is, but ah don't think the crystal ponies are actually made a' crystals." Stated Applejack. She was the group's crystal pony expert, being the only pony there who had ever seen one. Aside from Berry Punch, that is, but she was all tied up. "Now let's get movin' before we freeze out here."

They stepped off the platform and started walking towards the big crystal tower that was faintly visible in the distance through the storm. Mainly because it was all lit up. After a moment, the train blared its horn again before moving away, using the magic of a coal-fueled combustion engine to get the hell outa' there.

"So if they're made of crystals, do dragons eat them?" Wondered Lyra. "Maybe that's why they live out here in the cold. There are no dragons since they're cold blooded." Little known fact; dragons aren't cold blooded. In fact, they don't even exist in real life.

"Dragons can eat meat too. If they wanted to eat ponies they wouldn't have to eat crystal ponies." Reasoned Bon-bon.

"Yeah, but crystals probably taste better than meat." Argued Lyra, but none of them could know for sure since they weren't dragons and didn't have any dragons to ask. Then Lyra remembered that Twilight had a pet dragon or something and she turned to Applejack. "Did Twilight bring her dragon when you guys came here before? Did it eat crystal ponies?"

Applejack was about to reply, but then she thought about it. She hadn't been with Spike the whole time they were there. Maybe he did eat crystal ponies. Finally she shrugged. "I don't know. I recon ah wasn't watching him the whole time we were here."

They all sighed in defeat as their conversation hit a dead end. "I guess we'll just never know whether dragons eat crystal ponies or not. Then again, do we really want to know? Is having all the answers really going to make us happy? Is it really going to fill the voids left in all our souls? Perhaps the greatest knowledge we can ever acquire is the knowledge that we tried, and that we spent time with friends doing friend-like things." Reasoned Derpy.

The others looked at her like she was retarded, probably because she is. Finally, Bon-bon decided to voice what everypony was thinking. "That's just stupid. Knowledge is power."

"But with great power, comes great responsibility." Reasoned Lyra, pulling out a movie quote as though it could actually be used as a reasonable argument. "Do we really want that?"

"Knowledge is a double edged sword." Agreed Derpy, unbeknownst to the fact that that metaphor makes hardly any sense.

"But knowing is half the battle!" Countered Bon-bon.

"Imagination is more important than knowledge!" Shouted Lyra, unaware that this argument was derailed a long time ago.

"A good decision is based on knowledge, not numbers!" Shouted back Bon-bon.

"The true knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing!" Came Lyra's response.

Bon-bon was about to yell another stupid quote out, when Applejack decided that she had had enough. "Will ya'll stop fightin'? It's gettin' us nowhere."

Unfortunately, this did nothing to stop the constant arguments, and they spent the rest of the walk spouting out horrible quotes by Thomas Jefferson and other famous hu-humans, some of which I admittedly had to look up on google, in an attempt to validate their dumb arguments. Thankfully, after about an hour of trudging through the snow, they made it to the crystal kingdom-which is more of a single city than a kingdom-and the plot was able to progress.

The first thing they noticed upon stepping inside the boundaries of the city is that there was suddenly no snow. Apparently the power of crystal pony love holds snow back because crystal ponies don't love snow. It makes sense if you read it really fast and don't think about it too hard. Then again, thoughts have no mass, therefore 'thinking hard' doesn't make any sense either. But I digress.

Anyway, our group of protagonists were just happy to finally be out of the snow. They were also happy that they now knew how the crystal ponies live up in the tundra. Magic makes everything possible!

"Woooo weeee!" Cheered Applejack in her cute, but badly typed stereotypical accent. "We finally made it."

"Yes! Mission accomplished!" Called Lyra as she jumped up raising one hoof above her head in triumph.

Bon-bon just sighed. "Now can we hurry up and kill this king Sombra guy and leave? The less time I have to spend in this dumb crystal themed city, the more time I have in my life to do other things."

By now, the group had made it through the green field surrounding the city and were walking through the crystal streets that ran between the crystal buildings and were lined with crystal lamps that shone crystal light through the crystal air into the awaiting crystal eyes of the crystal ponies. The previously mentioned crystal ponies, for their part, looked like normal ponies. Aside from the obnoxious, seizure-inducing colors shining off their crystalline coats, that is. Also, they were all filthy earth ponies. Not a single superior unicorn among the lot of them.

The group walked quietly through the streets, drawing a lot of stares from the locals. Thankfully, the filthy crystal earth ponies didn't try conversing with the group of pure-bread regular ponies as they walked through the street. It was all pretty awkward. After a while, Bon-bon decided to speak up, albeit in a hushed tone.

"Where are we going?"

Applejack was the one to respond, seeing as she's the group's crystal empire (s)expert. "To the castle a' course." The answer to that question was fairly obvious in hindsight, since the castle is the biggest building by far and is in the direction they were traveling.

Bon-bon examined the castle for a few moments, taking in the exquisite crystal architecture and the sheer size of it. "The princess must be compensating for something. Just look at the size of that place."

"Why are we going there anyway?" Asked Lyra, getting right to the point instead of trying to insult the princess and her blatant waste of money like her heretic friend Bon-bon.

"If anypony can help us find king Sombra it'll be princess Cadence and Shining Armor. We're goin' to the castle to talk ta' them." Answered Applejack like the big fat know-it-all that she is. Seriously, she thinks she's so cool riding around on her high horse like she owns the place. I'm fucking sick of it.

Vinyl Scratch trailed slightly behind the group, observing their every move from behind her purple-tinted shades like a jungle cat... that wears purple-tinted shades. She couldn't help but scoff at the foolishness of this group, although she made sure to do it quietly. The last thing she needed was for her cover to be blown. It was difficult not outright laughing in the faces of these impotent creatures that call themselves 'ponies', though. How idiotic they were, thinking that their friendship could protect them.

The very concept of friendship sickened her. Putting your trust in another? What a foolish notion. The only one you can truly trust and rely on is yourself. That is a lesson they will have to learn the hard way when the ones they trust turn on them. Soon enough, their so called 'friendship' will be their downfall. Unfortunately for them, by the time they learn that valuable lesson their precious Equestria will already be ashes.

She felt compelled to just use her magic right then and there to murder all the ponies and be done with this foolish charade, but she quickly snuffed out that urge. The time would come soon enough. All she had to do was be patient. For now, she just had to continue blending in with the horrid creatures. She simply continued her swagger-filled gait down the street, following closely behind her fellow non-crystal flesh beasts.

It didn't take long for the group to make it to the castle, where there were surprisingly no guards. Clearly the crystal ponies trusted in the power of their love to keep all unwanted things out. The group simply walked inside, going up a few flights of stairs until they got to a big room with a crystal pony behind a desk. He looked really bored, just sitting there by himself, until he noticed the ponies approaching him.

"Hello...?" He said, wondering why they were here. The castle clearly didn't get very many visitors.

"Howdy there pardner." Responded Applejack as she tipped her hat respectfully. "We're here to see the princess. Is she here."

The secretary pony's mouth dropped open for a second before he managed to compose himself. "You're here to see the... Princess...?"

"Of course." She replied, oblivious to the crystal pony's surprise.

"Well um..." He looked back down at his papers, sifting through them, before returning his gaze to the group. "Sorry, we've just never had guests before. I'm not sure exactly what to do..."

The group of ponies exchanged looks, before Applejack took the lead again. "Ah'm sure the princess would want to see us. Me and her are actually good friends. Ah'll just go on inside." She started walking towards the door with her 'friends' in tow. The secretary looked extremely nervous as he began to chew on his lip, but he didn't move to stop them.

After a matter of seconds, they walked up to the big crystal door and pushed it open. Inside was a huge magnificent chamber, decorated in all manner of crystals just like everything else in the city. The center back wall was dominated by a massive crystal throne on which Cadence was laying with her hair all disheveled. Straddling her, was Shining Armor, who was covered in sweat. As soon as they heard the doors creek open, the two of them stopped what they were doing and turned their heads to see the group of wide eyed ponies staring at them.

Both groups sat there for a few moments, looking at each other in confusion, as the tension rose. Finally, Lyra decided to break the silence. "Well... This is awkward."

Comments

[Chuckward]

Those words were delicious!

[ElectricalBanana]

that picture has the best background ponies

[Regidar]

i knew it!
they're baking back cakes on each other!
whilst sexing it right and proper.