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Descent, Landings, and Pain1,225 words
Accidental Invasions1,281 words
Dainty Ponies and Deceptive Princesses1,382 words
An Agitated Angel1,198 words
Prerequisite Exposition of Elemental Equines1,468 words
Devilish Deviations1,307 words
Let There Be Light924 words
Side Effects714 words
Uncomfortable Stares734 words
Nightmarish Nobility1,078 words
The Council1,964 words
Family Matters1,866 words
Tea Party1,357 words
Substitutes1,660 words
Chick Flick2,294 words

Tea Party

“And then, she looks up at me, covered horn to tail in cotton candy, and says, in the most heartbroken way I've ever heard, 'I bwoke da candy', and she just starts bawling!” I burst out laughing, as did Cadence and Luna. I barely managed to stay in my chair, but Luna tumbled backwards off her cushion, her hooves tight around her sides. Beside me, Celestia attempted to maintain a stoic demeanor, but it was ruined by the noticeable blush and small, unwilling smile on her muzzle.

“I was four! It was the only cotton candy machine in the universe at the time! I thought I had ruined it forever!” she defended, which only contributed to make us laugh harder.

“Am I interrupting something?” a new voice asked from behind me. I unwisely chose to attempt to turn around to look at who had entered the room, but the fact that I was off balance from laughing, not to mention the fact that I hadn't actually stopped yet, caused me to fall off the stool I was sitting on. My back hit the floor squarely and I came face-to-face with a wide-eyed white unicorn wearing weird, purple armor.

I shit you not. Purple. Armor. And no, I’m not being a hypocrite when I say that. Gold armor is bitchin’. Purple armor is just…..tacky.

“Oh, Shining Armor. Please, come and join us. We were just having tea and catching up with our Uncle,” Luna said pleasantly. Tacky Armor's eyes shifted between Luna and me for a few moments before he started to edge his way around and to Cadence's side. Judging from the fact he hadn’t bolted at the sight of me, I assumed word had reached him of my existence already, which gave me a moderate appreciation of the Royal Rumor Mill.

The pink alicorn smiled at him pleasantly and laid a wing over him. I lifted myself back up to my perch on the stool with my wings, which twitched in agitation, and cocked an eyebrow at the two. “Are you two....?”

“Married, yes. Quite recently, in fact,” Cadence said sweetly.

“Why am I never invited to anything?!” I yelled, to the girlish giggles of my nieces.

“Captain Armor, I'm surprised you were able to join us. Are your duties for the day over already?” Celestia inquired. Tacky Armor's head sagged and he scowled.

“Not even close. I'm barely halfway through coordinating the emergency food shipments to Zebrica. Normally they export food to the Griffon Kingdoms, so there are almost no trade routes between there and here capable of the kind of traffic-”

“No. Nonono. We are not talking about work right now. Right now is fun time, and if you don’t want to be a part of that you can leave,” I said resolutely. Tacky Armor and Cadence stared at me for a moment before turning their heads towards Celestia and Luna.

Both shook their heads. “It is best not to argue with him on this, as he will inevitably have his way. Whether that ends now, or with the good Captain placed in a low and steadily degrading orbit is the only matter left to be decided,” Celestia said. I gave a nod of my head. I had actually been thinking somewhere around 175 miles or so above the surface. My wings tingled at the thought.

Tacky Armor blanched and wisely decided to drop the subject. There was an awkward beat of silence before something Celestia had said hit me.

“Wait….did you call him ‘Captain’ Armor?” I asked, unamused. Tacky Armor looked mildly offended, but before he could open his mouth Luna butted in for him.

“Indeed she did. It seems Captain Armor made quite a name for himself in the Royal Guard and rose to Captain quite quickly. Managed to ward off a rampaging Hydra single-handedly, if I recall correctly?”

Armor puffed out his chest a bit and nodded proudly. “My first tour along the Everfree Line. I was on watch whil-“ His boasting was brought to an abrupt end by my echoing laughter, which in sheer volume made the cackles at Celestia’s expense seem like a quiet whisper in a Church pew. The twitching in my wings was becoming more difficult to ignore.

“Y-y-you mean to-HAHAHAHAHAHA-pffft…to t-tell me! That this!” I shouted, pointing my finger at the white stallion, “IsssshhhhmmppfffHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-is the Captain of your Royal Guard?!” By the end of my question, I was honestly as close to suffocating as I had ever come up to that point. Twinge. My physical lungs could simply not keep up with the air I needed to laugh at the poor specimen of a soldier before me. Twinge.

“What’s wrong with me being Captain of the Guard?!” Tacky Armor twinge demanded angrily. He twinge stood up aggressively. I twinge snorted.

“How about the fact you loo-twinge-…l-like you should be leading a pride parade instead of soldiers?” I laughed, trying not to wince at the pain.

“Uncle, twinge please be twinge silent,” Celestia begged. I Twinge opened Twinge my Twinge mouth TWINGE to TWINGETWINGETWINGE

“MOTHER OF ALL THAT’S GOOD AN RIGHTOUS WHAT IS THAT!” I shouted. My wings sprang forth as I desperately rubbed them against the cold carved marble of the walls. In my desperate bid to relieve myself of the crippling pain that was my feathered appendages.

Celestia and Luna shot to my side as they used their magic to try to alleviate my suffering. Midnight blue magic held me in place, despite my struggles. Celestia’s golden magic cycled through a dozen diagnostic spells before her look of concern fell and she face hoofed.

Luna’s panicked face quickly turned towards her sister, who was groaning in what, if my mind had been clearer, I would have recognized as disappointment. “Sister! What is the matter with him?!” she begged. Celestia’s hoof fell from her face.

“His wings need preening.”

Just as quickly as Celestia, Luna dropped her mask of worry. The two sisters looked at me flatly as I tried not to squirm against the wall again. “What-AAGGH- is preening?” I asked, nearly begging for relief. The pain of fighting a Hell-beast was one thing, it was pain I was long used to. This pain, however, came from inside my fucking wings.

Celestia sighed and lit her horn. A single feather was plucked from my left wing and dropped to the ground.

The feeling of relief that passed through my body deserves its own choir of Seraphs to forever sing of joy to even begin to be described.

Midnight blue magic joined golden as my two nieces spent the next half hour plucking feathers from my wings, each feeling even better than the last. I can’t be entirely sure how long I remained standing, but eventually I found myself lying on the ground with a stupid grin on my face, staring blissfully up at the ceiling.

Eventually my awareness returned in full and I pushed myself to my feet. I stumbled a bit, my legs feeling a bit wobbly, but didn’t fall. I looked around and found that the tea party had resumed without me. Wordlessly I righted my fallen stool and sat down. Cadence’s blue magic lifted the tea pot and refilled my glass. A moment of silence passed.

Then the four ponies, supposedly the most Royal and regal ponies in all of the Pony lands and including three demi-goddesses in their ranks, lost their shit.

Celestia and Luna collapsed against each other as their bodies were wracked with wave after wave of uncontrollable giggles. Cadence crashed face-first into the table and slipped onto the floor as irresistible guffaws overtook her. Tea came flying out of Shining Armor’s nostrils, which seemed to propel him backwards off his cushion. He joined the three Princesses in filling the room with every manner of chuckle and laugh.

I sat quietly and sipped my tea, refusing to make eye contact, all the while thinking of which Lagrange Point and/or planet I should send them to.

Author's Note:

Well, here it is. This was an absolute pain in the ass to write. This is draft #7 of this scene, so I hope I nailed it. Tell me what you guys think in the comments, and as always please point out any errors.

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