Fastest Fall in Equestria

by Parchment_Scroll

Rainbow Dash: Girl U Want

Rainbow Dash:
So yeah, it's not like I was just in Pony Limbo or whatever when Mike was in my body back home, y'know?

Fastest Fall in Equestria
Chapter 2: Girl U Want

There comes a time in everypony's life when they question their reason for living. You invite all your friends to a party but they all make excuses. You go to a big major event just to see all the little animals and they run away from you. You make beautiful dresses for your friends and they all make you rework them into the ugliest things you've laid eyes on. You're gearing up for the biggest flying competition in Equestria, and you still can't pull off the stunt your whole routine is built around.

If you're lucky, when that happens, your friends are there for you. If not, maybe you muddle through. Maybe you live your life with a shadow of doubt hanging over you forever. And maybe, if you're lucky -- or unlucky, I still haven't figured that out -- a portal to another world will open right in front of you right when you're lost in some serious soul searching thought.

I'll spare you the freak out when I realized I wasn't a pegasus pony anymore. Suffice to say, it involved not coping well with the whole "no wings" bit, coping even less well with what hands are like -- I thought I had some kind of worms on my hooves and they were eating me, all right? Instead, we'll skip ahead a few minutes to when I started getting a handle on things. Kind of.

I was still pretty wobbly walking around on back legs only. Or, y'know, being a two-legged critter. If you're a pony and you're reading this -- how? How did you get internet access from Equestria? Pinkie Pie, is that you? You're so random!

Anyway, yeah, ponies can stand on our back legs for a little bit when we're making gestures and such, but it ain't easy. Takes loads and loads of practice. Or being Pinkie Pie -- Hi again, Pinkie Pie. Stop reading this, it's not for pony eyes -- she's just... well, Pinkie Pie. Walking around on two legs? All the time? I imagine it would take a couple of years of practice.

Mike's friend Dave says it takes humans a couple of years, too. He says it takes time before they can even walk around on all fours, which is totally weird. I can't imagine what it's like to be that helpless. So anyway, yeah, ponies rock, pegasus ponies are awesome, and I am best pony. We all knew this anyway.

Fortunately for me, Mike has spent his entire life walking around on his back legs. If I didn't think about it, I found myself walking around just like him. Of course, then I'd think about it and I would fall flat on my -- his -- face.

I have no idea what standards humans use for beauty. I hope I didn't make him ugly with all those faceplants, but it couldn't be helped, okay? Once again, if you're a pony and you're reading this: None of the above paragraph and a half are true, I was instantly graceful and awesome in his body, and you should really stop reading this, Pinkie Pie.

It took quite a while to convince Dave that I really was Rainbow Dash in his friend's body. I guess it helped that Mike had no idea who I am at the time, making it easy for Dave to realize my claim wasn't an elaborate prank. Or maybe that Dave is totally head-over-hooves for me, which didn't make the whole being in his best guy friend's body awkward at all.

Anyway, that raised the whole question of how Dave knew about ponies in the first place. I mean yeah, everypony knows how awesome I am, but Dave's y'know, not a pony. He started hemming and hawing and "um"ing and "well"ing and generally sounded like Twilight when she has bad news she doesn't want to give someone.

"Spill it."

"It's kind of complicated," he said.

"Simplify it for me," I growled, grabbing his shirt with my -- Mike's -- hands and pulling him in close.

It's really difficult to see a human's pupils dilate, so I guess it's a good thing we were muzzle-to-muzzle. "Okay, okay! Sheesh, anyone ever tell you you're kind of aggressive?"

"Only every other week," I admitted. "It's part of my awesome charm."

"Right, well... I'm going to have to build up to this. I assume Equestria has fiction."

"Duh! Ever since the first pony came back to her cave with less than a full harvest."

"Cave ponies. That..." He paused. "That is probably the funniest mental image I've had all week." After a moment of chuckling, he shook his head, then continued. "Anyway, we've got these things called cartoons, which are -- short, inaccurate version, magically animated drawings."

"Right, I don't want the long version. This is getting too long as it is. Step it up, wouldja?"

He chuckled weakly again, then I guess I was looking a bit aggressive again, because he started talking like Pinkie-Pie-fast: "So we've got a made-up cartoon about you and your friends and I can show it to you now but that's probably a really bad idea."

"Wait, so you have stories about me and my friends?" I felt a smile spreading across my face. "Awesome."

I'll spare you the whole "computer equals magic information box" conversation. Let's just say that every thing in your world got explained away as a "magic whatever box/bowl/carriage/train" and when he later admitted your world doesn't even have magic, it made everything I knew a total lie. I would have totally punked him on this, but I'd just gotten him really good with another prank and I didn't wanna hurt his feelings, ya know?

So yeah, the first thing Dave did upon meeting a pony was to show me the show. Is that what you humans call "meta-humor"? I honestly don't know. Twilight would, which makes me pretty sure I don't much want to know.

I bet you're really curious to know what I think of the show. Fact is, it's more-or-less accurate. A few things that need to be clarified now.

1) Pinkie Pie really does just burst into song at the drop of a hat. It'd be unnerving if it wasn't so darn entertaining.
2) Speaking of songs, the Winter Wrap-Up song is actually a Ponyville tradition. It doesn't sound quite as awesome when you're actually there. Everybody's singing their own personal stuff all at the same time, which means a whole lot of tripping over each other's lyrics and stuff. Whoever put it together into a coherent, linear song gets some serious respect from me. That was awesome. Plus, it helps me understand why Twi freaked out the way she did after the snowplow incident.
3) No, we did not sing a big musical number on the way to the Grand Galloping Gala. But if we did, that would have been it. Except my part would have been longer and had more awesome guitar riffs in it.
4) Back on the topic of Pinkie Pie: It's weird but yeah, she does just sort of pop up in random places. I dunno about inside a mirror, but it's so her I wouldn't doubt it if Twilight told me it happened.

Okay, enough listing things. I'm not Twilight Sparkle, and I don't want my Honorary Egghead Association membership card when I get back to Equestria, so we're done with this. Yeah, the show's cool, but it could totally be cooler. Check it out: My Little Pony: Rainbow Dash is Awesome. Someone write to Lauren Faust right now, you'll be swimming in bits before the week is out! Awwww, yeah!

All in all, I'd say that my initial visit to your world started off pretty awesome. Until I started to feel the call of nature, if ya know what I mean. I will spare you, again, the conversation about how ponies relieve ourselves vs. the human way. Dave spent as little time explaining "the magic poo and pee bowl" as possible.

It wasn't until after I freaked out and started punching the larger flesh-devouring worm that had attached itself to me that I remembered that Mike was male.

Comments

[Parchment_Scroll]

Yeah, this chapter's pretty much just slapstick. Think of that word while reading the last sentence, why don't you?

[littlerobotbird]

Ow...just freakin' ow...

Was actually wondering if Dash would be appearing in this...that's an...interesting way if, as Dash put it, "awkward."

Dave, you might be scaring me bro.

[HeirApparent]

I'm not sure if this is brilliant or extremely silly. In any case, it's quite entertaining. Keep it up!

[Parchment_Scroll]

2890
Dave is scaring you? He's not me, BTW. So if I'm scaring you, I'm honestly not sure if I'm sorry or not. Am I entertaining, at least?

2897
Can't it be both? I'm leaning towards silly myself, although I've got a plot point coming up that edges away from silly and into semi-serious.

[Wheller]

I'm not going to lie, I laughed out loud for like five minutes after I got done reading chapter two.

[Parchment_Scroll]

2908
Really? I was hoping it would be as amusing to you guys as it was to write!

"It wasn't until after I freaked out and started punching the larger flesh-devouring worm that had attached itself to me that I remembered that Mike was male."

awesome way to end the chapter

I really like that this "human becomes a pony in Equestria" involves a swapping of minds, so you get Dash in, uh, here as well. And I like that you chose Dash for this; Twilight, for instance, would have been too analytical, Fluttershy would have been too scared, and Pinkie would have been too random. Dash works perfectly.

[Parchment_Scroll]

3171

Thanks! I'm working on the next chapter -- been INSANELY busy with work for the last week or thirty.

[Meta Knight]

♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪

[Salnax]

4476 There are several fandom-based guesses we can make.

1. Rainbow Dash is heterosexual. In which case, sprouting a penis is rather creepy.
2. Rainbow Dash is homosexual. In which case, sprouting a penis is even creepier.
3. Rainbow Dash is a preop FtM. In this case, she might celebrate being male, but that would be cancelled out by the emasculating loss of wings.
4. Rainbow Dash is a postop MtF. In this case, she'd say "Oh Shit, not again."

LOL the last part was the best

[Pinklestia]

Mmm, maybe I read this before?