Fastest Fall in Equestria

by Parchment_Scroll

Mike: Here Comes the Sun

Fastest Fall in Equestria
Here Comes the Sun

Mike: I had been certain I was about to be lynched by a group of technicolor ponies, until Princess Celestia appeared. There are a large number of words that could describe the Pretty Pony Princess. Majestic. Grand. Elegant. Pretty Pony Princess.

Okay, she's not technically a pony, but she is a princess of a kingdom full of ponies, and she is definitively equine in nature.

By the time she had alighted in front of the gathering mob, I was starting to feel sorry for them. She wasn't angry. After her initial outburst, which served to get their attention off of me and onto her, she didn't even raise her voice.

She radiated a deep maternal concern, which, combined with the disappointment she'd already verbalized, yeilded a god-tier guilt trip. My mother could stand to take some lessons from Princess Celestia -- if she was able to convey half as much feeling as the Princess did, I would call every single day. Twice a day on weekends.

I wanted to duck inside the library while everyone's -- excuse me, everypony's -- attention was fixed on the Princess (and I'm sure no few of them were thinking of places they'd rather be, as well), but I couldn't drag my eyes away from her.

"What," she asked, "is the meaning of this?" She swept an open wing across the courtyard, the gesture including all the ponies present, along with the stragglers who were just now catching up.

"She's a changeling!" a tan pony with a grey mane, an old-fashioned collar, a pair of half-moon pince-nez glasses, and a butt-tattoo of a scroll said, jabbing a hoof in my direction. "She's replaced Rainbow Dash and is going to feast on our love!"

"No," yelled another pony -- this one with cream colored fur, a red mane, and a rose on her butt -- "it's a demon, and it's come to devour us all!"

"It's an alien," shouted an aqua-colored unicorn with a blue and white mane that looked kind of like Aquafresh toothpaste. I expected a toothbrush mark on her flank, but, for some reason, she had an hourglass instead.

Twilight Sparkle finally made her appearance at this point, out of breath from a full-tilt sprint and levitating some very large, very old-looking books. "Mike's not any of those things!" she shouted, exasperated.

"Um, Twilight," I said, "technically, I kind of am an alien."

"Not helping," she hissed at me between clenched teeth.

Yet another mare, this one light green with a paler green mane and a picture of a harp or lyre or something on its butt, raised a hoof. "What kind of alien?" she asked suspiciously.

"Well," Twilight said matter-of-factly, "he's something called a human, and--"

"I KNEW IT!" the mare -- seriously, are there any male ponies in Ponyville? Inquiring minds want to know -- shouted, then galloped off towards town. I distinctly heard the words "photographic evidence", followed by "then we'll see who's laughing".

Do you know what it feels like to facepalm with a hoof? Hooves are not soft, delicate things like fingers. They, in fact, are made of keratin, the same stuff fingernails are made of, and are pretty darn hard. So while a normal facepalm stings a bit, a facehoof is like bashing yourself in the forehead with a coconut. Just a little FYI for you.

"Aw, tarnation," a friendly drawl called out from behind the assembled ponies. I grinned. Applejack had caught up to us. "Twi went an' said the 'H' word, didn't she?"

Princess Celestia smiled indulgently. "Once everypony is assembled, Mayor Mare," she said with a meaningful nod towards the pony who'd accused me of being a changeling, "I would like a few words with the citizens of Ponyville regarding your behavior towards Our guest."

I frowned. "Mayor Mare?" I said under my breath, and Twilight shushed me. "Also," I whispered, to her unending exasperation, "did I just hear the Royal 'We'?"

"Shush!" whispered Twilight. "And yeah, you did. The princesses never use it anymore... well, except when Princess Luna forgets, or when they're being especially formal."

In a matter of moments, the town square was full. Twilight, Applejack, and I were all standing by the Princess (and let me tell you, nothing makes you feel small quite like being a pony standing next to Princess Celestia). Twilight's other friends, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rarity, were on the Princess' other side.

"Citizens of Ponyville," Princess Celestia said with a sad smile. "I came here this evening to assist my most faithful student Twilight Sparkle in returning an unexpected guest of Equestria to her home."

I frowned at her choice of pronouns, but she wasn't finished yet.

"Instead of the open-hooved welcome I hoped she would find among my little ponies, however," she continued, "I find you chasing her across Ponyville with torches and pitchforks. I had expected better of you. Just think of what a terrible impression you've made on her in just one... short..." She trailed off, staring at me oddly. "Why is she blushing, Twilight?" she whispered.

I winced, and Twilight stared at me for a moment. It only took a moment before I saw comprehension dawn on her face, followed by embarrassment and a bit of social anxiety. Her eyes widened and I swear her fur got a shade paler, and she lifted a hoof to cover her muzzle as she whispered something into the Princess' ear.

Princess Celestia went rigid, her head held high not in pride, but in shock. "Three times," she muttered, shaking her head almost imperceptibly. "Some head of state." She cleared her throat. "He," she continued with a wry half-smile, "is a guest of this nation, this town, and, most importantly, of Twilight Sparkle and her friends. I expect you to treat him accordingly."

A hoof was raised. "Is it true humans eat meat?" a worried looking magenta mare with a curly purple mane said, before pushing a filly behind herself.

Princess Celestia frowned. I trotted over to her. "If you don't mind, Your Majesty," I said, "I'll go ahead and answer these."

"If you like," she said. "I'm sorry my little ponies are being so rude, though."

I shrugged, then turned to address the crowd. "Humans are omnivores," I said. "There are humans who refuse to eat meat for health reasons or for moral reasons, and there are others who don't." I grinned. "All of that's moot, however, since I'm stuck in Rainbow Dash's body, and that kind of forces me to be a vegetarian."

"Do... do humans eat ponies?" another voice called out from somewhere in the middle of the crowd.

"Generally not," I said. "Look, let me put this another way. Humans eat the meat of dumb animals."

"IT ATE RAINBOW DASH!"

"Hey, now, that's just mean," Applejack interjected. "An' her not here ta defend herself!"

"I did not," I said, "and I'm going to repeat that part, I did NOT eat Rainbow Dash."

"Well then," a familiar young voice piped up, and it didn't take me long to pick Scootaloo out of the crowd of ponies around the library, "what did you do with her?"

"We don't know what happened," I said. "Twilight Sparkle is trying to figure that out. The best guess we can come up with, since I'm here in her body, is that she and I switched places, which would mean she's in mine."

"Wait," said Scootaloo, "humans can switch bodies? Switch with me! Switch with me!"

I laughed. "Sorry, Scootaloo," I said. "It's not a human thing. I figure it's a magic thing, which pretty much rules humans out. We don't have magic where I come from."

That caused a great deal of surprised chatter, mostly along the lines of "but then how do they get anything done?" and the like. I raised a ha-- a hoof.

"I'd be happy to answer more questions," I said, "but since Twilight Sparkle and the Princess have returned from Ca.. from..." I snorted. "I can't say it," I said. "I just can't say it."

"What," said Princess Celestia. "Canterlot?" The barest hint of a laugh snuck past my guard, but I clamped down on it immediately.

"I still don't get it," Twilight Sparkle muttered irritably. "What's so funny about Canterlot? It's a beautiful city!"

"Please," I begged. "Stop saying the name. It's too silly."

The Princess arched an eyebrow. "Stop saying what? Canterlot?"

I made a sound that can best be described as "snrk".

"I don't see why Canterlot should be such an amusing word. I think it rolls of the tongue nicely: Canterlot, Canterlot, Canterlot."

I couldn't take it anymore. I fell over laughing.

"Okay, everypony," Twilight said, even more irritated. "It's clear Mike here isn't in any condition to answer more questions, so why don't we all just--"

"WAAAAAAAIT!!!"

"Pinkie Pie!" Twilight reared back in surprise as her hyperactive friend simply... I can't say she just appeared in front of Twilight, because it wasn't quite like that. One moment, she was on the other side of the Princess, and the next, not only was she right in front of Twilight, but it was as though she'd always been there. There was no movement, she was just there. That mare is kind of creepy sometimes. "Wh... what did you want?"

Pinkie Pie batted her eyes ingenuously at her purple friend. "You're not going to just send them away, are you?" She sniffed. "Before... before my big super-duper-ultra-special 'Welcome to Ponyville, Visitor from Another Dimension' party?"

"Party?" Twilight said, her voice flat.

"Well, duh!" Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes. "You know how much I love making new ponies feel welcome, and you know that nothing makes a pony feel better than a party, and--"

Twilight quickly stuffed a hoof in Pinkie Pie's mouth. "I get it, Pinkie," she said.

"Tell you what," I said. "Why don't you take this opportunity to get everybo-- everypony organized and get the party set up, and Twilight and I will go inside for a minute so she can talk to me about this idea she had."

Pinkie Pie was in front of me as suddenly as she'd been in front of Twilight earlier. "That's a great idea! Promise you'll come back out and enjoy the party?"

I nodded. "I promise," I said, and that's when I learned the sacred, solemn oath that is the Pinkie Pie Swear.

"Cross your heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in your eye?"

"I what?" I frowned. "That... a cupcake?"

Pinkie Pie talked me through the Pinkie Pie Swear and its, let's face it, utterly ridiculous gestures, and, satisfied, let Twilight Sparkle and I head into the library.

* * * * *

"Okay," I said. "What's the big plan?"

"Well," Twilight said, "it could get a bit complicated. I suppose I should start with what we call 'multiverse theory'."

"I was thinking along the same lines myself," I admitted. "As soon as--"

"You saw the map of Equestria?" Twilight asked with a grin.

"Exactly," I said. "It looks, well, not just like the United States of America, but it's kind of eerily similar."

She nodded. "Okay," she said. "If they're not exactly the same, that's to be expected. If you are from an alternate reality, then naturally there will be differences between our two worlds. But there's something else we need to consider first."

"What's that?" I asked.

"Aliens."

I facehoofed again. I knew it was going to hurt, but I couldn't stop myself. "What."

"Here," she said, "take a look at these," and deposited a pile of scrolls in front of me.

"Okay," I said. "What are they?" I struggled to unroll the top one, only to have her magically whisk it out from under my hooves and unroll it.

"Star charts," she said unneccessarily. Once I could see the contents of the scroll she'd unrolled, I knew exactly what it was. "Do you see anything familiar?"

I nodded. Pointing at one end of the chart with a hoof, "that's Ursa Major, right?"

Twilight cringed. "Oh! Oh, the constellation! Yes," she said. "That's... what you said. But we mostly just call it the big--"

"Dipper," I finished for her. "And there's Ursa Mi-- I mean the Little Dipper," I said, pointing at another. "Draco. Aries... Yeah, that settles it."

She nodded. "Your world and mine occupy the same position in space," she said. "Therefore, you have to come from an alternate reality." She frowned. "This is where it gets complicated."

"I'll bet," I said.

"Well, it's just... do you have any idea how many alternate realities there are?"

"I kind of figured the number would be, well, infinite," I said.

"Well, yes, when you get down to it I suppose it would be," she said. "But as to the number that are accessible at any given time via magic transposition, translation, and rotation? Based on the information I found in one of Star Swirl the Bearded's manuscripts, it's something on the order of ten to the twenty-eighth power."

I whistled. "That," I said, "is a very big number."

"Six to the sixth power," she said, "and then that raised to the sixth power again!"

"Okay, so how in the name of everything holy and otherwise do we narrow down the search?"

Twilight frowned. "I'm... working on that. I was hoping that you could provide me with enough information about your world to help narrow down the search parameters."

"So, what, it's like I'm providing the Google keywords for your search?"

"I have no idea what that even means," Twilight said, "but that..." She shuddered, as though the next word to come out of her mouth was some obscenity. Come to think of it, in her mind it probably was. "That ignorance is what I'm talking about. I need you to be able to filter what I'm looking at so that I can tell if I'm even getting close to your world!" She grabbed me by the shoulders with her forehooves and started shaking. "Otherwise, we could be at this until Celestia dies of old age!"

"Okay," I said. "Take a minute. Calm down. You're a very smart pony. You'll figure this out. Remember, we're not just looking for my world, we're looking for one of your closest friends."

"I KNOW!" Twilight Snapped at me. "And I'm terrified! What if I never see Rainbow Dash again!"

"Hey," I said firmly. "None of that talk, now, Twilight Sparkle." She looked at me, frowning. "Who," I said, "is the smartest pony I have ever met?"

"Um... me?"

"Once more with feeling, Sparkle," I snapped. "Who's the smartest darn pony in Ponyville?"

"I am!"

"And who is the personal protege of Princess Celestia?"

"Me again," she said, a bit bashfully.

"And who is never, ever going to give up until she gets her friend back?"

"Me!" Twilight stood straight and tall, her mane waving dramatically in a wind that apparently whipped itself up just to make the moment more dramatic. Equestria seems to thrive on that sort of thing.

"Well, all right, then," I said, satisfied.

Twilight grinned at me. "You know what, Mike?"

"What?"

"You sounded exactly like Rainbow Dash just then."

I frowned. "Well, I mean, I'm in her body, so naturally I have her voice..."

"Not just her voice. Her mannerisms. Her attitude. You were just like her."

She and I stared at each other for a moment. I could see the connections forming in that brilliant mind of hers -- the same connections falling into place in my own.

"That's it!" we both said simultaneously.

"Apart from the career path, you're just like Rainbow Dash!" Twilight Sparkle said. "What made you choose medicine?"

I chuckled. "I, uh," I confessed, "spent a lot of time in hospital emergency rooms. When I was a teenager, I was really into skateboarding and BMX, and I took a lot of risks learning--"

"--new stunts!" Twilight finished for me excitedly. "That's it, that's it, that's it! WOOHOO!"

"But how does this help us find my home, and Rainbow Dash?" I asked, getting caught up in her excitement.

"Don't you see? If I'm right, the reason you switched bodies with Rainbow Dash is that there was already a connection between the two of you! You're what Rainbow Dash would be if she'd been born in your world, as a human... and... a... male. Maybe I should rethink this..."

I shook my head. "No, no, no, always go with your first instinct. Nine times out of ten, what seems like pure inspiration is the result of hundreds of tiny subconscious observations all being put together logically. Just because you don't know where the idea comes from doesn't mean it doesn't have a solid foundation."

Twilight froze. "Subconscious observations?" She frowned. "Solid... foundation..." Her eyes lit up. "Pinkie Pie!"

"Oh, darn!" the pink party pony said, startling me right out of my skin. "Here I thought I was gonna sneak up on you two!"

"DON'T DO THAT!" I shouted from the top of the bookshelf I'd leapt to in my... not fear. Surprise. She surprised me, that's all. Twilight grinned sheepishly at me from her place next to me on the same bookshelf. Apparently I wasn't the only one she'd startled.

"Mission accomplished," Twilight said. "Could you maybe bring me the big stepladder from the stacks back there? I'd like down."

"Okie-dokie-lokie!" chirped the pink menace.

"What was that all about?" I asked as soon as Pinkie Pie had left the room.

"Oh, Pinkie Pie has this weird ability to just know when things are going to happen, and figuring it out has been driving me absolutely insane for the longest time. But what if these little twitches and spasms she gets are her subconscious trying to alert her to things her Earth Pony sense lets her know about?"

"You are asking completely the wrong pers... um, pony," I said. "I don't even know what kind of... wait... spasms... that sounds familiar." I grinned. "Caudal spasms! So that's what that dream was about!"

"Right! Caudal spasms," Twilight said, "or, as Pinkie refers to them, 'a twitchy tail', are how she knows if something's going to--"

"Twitchy tail!" Pinkie called out from the next room. "You guys better--" The rest of the sentence was drowned out by the loud crash as Twilight and I lost our footing and took the sudden route back to the floor.

"...fall," Twilight finished grumpily. "Nevermind the ladder, Pinkie, we got down anyway."

"Okie-dokie-lokie!"

"Okay," I said, as I hauled myself back to my hooves. "Okay, so if there's a connection between me and Rainbow Dash already, then shouldn't you be able to, I don't know, work some sort of unicorn mumbo-jumbo and, you know, sense it?"

"Well," said Twilight, "while I resent your use of the term 'mumbo-jumbo', that's basically what I'd like to do." She swept the pile of books onto the floor. "All right, Mike, hop up on the table and lie down. Let's do this."

I complied. "Okay," I said, "now what?"

"Now," she said, "I've got to concentrate on this dimensional viewing spell. Once I've got it established, I'll link you into it and we can tune in on Rainbow Dash through your connection to her!"

"Fantastic!"

"Spike! I need that big quartz Rarity brought me last week!" Twilight looked around. "Spike!"

* * * * *

In the end, Pinkie Pie, Twilight, and I had to go out to where the party was just getting underway in order to track down the baby dragon. He was chatting with a white unicorn with a decidedly punk mane striped in two shades of blue, who was setting up a set of turntables.

"No hard feelings about that fashion show gig, right?"

"No sweat, little guy. You know I'm always happy to lend a hoof." Despite the fact her eyes were concealed by a pair of purple shades that would look at home in almost any dance club, I caught a flicker as she glanced my way. "Well, well, well, if it isn't the mare of the hour," she said with a grin. "Whoa, sorry, I mean stallion." She looked me up and down. "Except you kind of seem to be lacking a little something in that department if you know what I mean."

I blushed. "It's a temporary condition, I assure you," I said. "Hey, Spike. Twilight needs the big quartz crystal Rarity gave her last week, if that means anything to you?"

He nodded. "It's in the basement with all her measuring equipment. I'll go get it." He turned to the DJ. "I'll be right back, Vinyl. Don't start the party without me, okay?"

"No promises," she said with a grin. "Everywhere I go is a party!"

Spike started to lead the way back towards the library. "Whoa," I said, sticking a hoof in front of him. "Look, no sense all of us missing the party. Why don't you just tell me where it is and get back to chatting with miss... Vinyl, was it?"

"Vinyl Scratch," the pony said. "Otherwise known as the one, the only, DJ P0n-3." (I don't know how she managed to make me hear numbers instead of letters when she said it. What I heard was "Pone-e." And yet I knew how to spell it. It's Friendship, I don't have to explain jack.)

"Pleased to meet you, Miss Scratch," I said, extending a hoof. "I'm Mike."

"You a teacher, Mike?"

"Um, no," I said. "Medical student. Why?"

"Because I ain't been called 'Miss Scratch' since school. Vinyl's fine."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Sheesh, Mike, if you're gonna flirt with every available mare in Ponyville, you're gonna give Rainbow Dash a reputation! Anyway, it's a big clear quartz crystal, right by the big enceff... enemef... elepha... brainwave thingy. You can't miss it, it's as big as me."

"Encephelogram?"

"Yeah, that thing."

"Righto," I said. "You get back to partying. I expect authorities to be dispatched when this is over."

"That's how you know when the party's over!" Vinyl said with a grin. "Hey, Pinkie Pie! We gonna do this or what?"

* * * * *

"Okay," Twilight said. "This crystal will act as a sort of window into the worlds we connect to. Hopefully, that'll just be the one, and it'll be the right one. If I'm right, that part of the spell should practically do itself."

"Okay, so what do I do?"

"Just... when I go to hook you into the spell, try to think about home."

"Okay."

She turned her attention to the crystal, her horn beginning to glow with a soft lavender light that began to build in intensity. Layer upon layer of magic wrapped itself around both her horn and the quartz, which began to fog up and then turn black.

"Okay," Twilight said after a moment. "Wow, that took a lot more out of me than I thought. But that should do it for stage one."

"What am I looking at?"

"If I read these notes correctly, we're looking at the space between universes. It's black because there's nothing there. No matter, no light, no energy, nothing. Not even potential. It's a very dangerous place to connect a spell to," she admitted, "because of the principles of osmosis and diffusion."

"Wait, are you saying that spell could suck everything into limbo?"

"Not everything," Twilight said. "Just... all my magic, and, um... me."

"Well hell, woman, let's move on to stage two!"

She smiled weakly. "Oh, the spell's not actually connected to the void. It's just looking at it because we haven't told it where to look. Keeping the spell separated from that void took a lot of energy, though, so I need a minute before we move on to the next step."

"Take your time," I said. "You know, as long as doing so doesn't risk your life. Why didn't you tell me the spell was going to be risky?"

"Because then you wouldn't let me cast it," she said. "Now hush, this next part is tricky." Her horn started to glow again, and without giving me time to argue, she touched it to my forehead. The moment her horn touched mine, but only for a moment, I got a glimpse of what magic must look like to her. The glow surrounding her horn was filled with symbols. Words and ideas flowed around through the ether, connecting in a stream between her mind (via her horn) and the crystal... and then to me.

The world turned inside out. There was a brilliant flash of white, and I tried to rear back away from the light, only to find that I couldn't move. I couldn't feel my body at all. And then...

Do you know that scene in Stargate, the first time they step into the gate, when the camera zooms around on a roller-coaster through space, swinging by the different constellations? It was exactly like that except in place of clusters of stars, there were galaxies, entire universes full of galaxies. And then there was another flash of white light and I found myself back in Rainbow Dash's body, staring at the crystal intently.

Visible in the crystal was my friend Dave's living room. Dave was there, as was I... or rather, my body. They were hugging, and "I" was sobbing uncontrollably into Dave's chest.

"See, Dave?" I said, and they both jumped and turned to face us. "I told you this pony stuff would turn you gay!" To his credit, he flipped me off.

Comments

[Mordecaiser]

Hahahahahahahaha

[Parchment_Scroll]

1426819
I worried that there wouldn't be enough funny in this chapter, what with all of the plot-blather going on. I take it from your reaction that isn't the case.

[DarkAura89]

Another fine chapter Parchment. Looking forward to the next update for this one AND the next one for A Busman's Holiday. Cheers on a job well done

[SafariJohn]

I don't think that was only a viewing spell...

[FanOfMostEverything]

Huh. I didn't see the alternate self connection coming. Very interesting.

Looks like we're either reaching the end or where things get really bad. Looking forward to the next installment.

[Xantari]

I sure hope Mike isn't planning on breaking his Pinkie Promise! We don't need a broken promise empowered Pinkie Pie rampage through the multiverse.
I thought this chapter was quite amusing. Trollestia trolling Mike with 'canterlot' made me chuckle.

[lamphobic]

I demand more.

Also whats up with what looks to be a month long gap in between chapters?

[Parchment_Scroll]

1439867
My laptop was stolen, which left me unable to update because I was working too much.

[Reaper1oo]

That last line

[nemryn]

"What's so funny about Canterlot? It's a beautiful city!"

"It's only a model!"

[Pinklestia]

Well, that was easy...