I tossed and turned in my bed. No I'm not getting up yet.
"Nein I don't want to get up yet. Ach ach." I said.
I looked over to my clock as it read 11:04 AM. "Well that is strange." I said. My voice sounded a little bit more high pitched. I still had my German accent but it was a tiny bit less noticeable.
"I probably just have a cold or something." I said. As I rubbed my face my hands felt a bit numb. I tried to make a fist to no avail. "WAT IN GOTT'S NAME IS GOING ON."
I screamed, then fidgeted my arms and legs and fell off my bed. "Oof. That hurt." I crawled to to my wall mirror in my room with much difficult seeing as I cannot walk well and what I saw took my breath away. In front of me was a beautiful Pegasus mare. I had beautiful shining green eyes,white fur,blonde hair and puffy wings. I immediately blushed.
"Oh vell look at zis. I made a bunch of sexy poses in front of my mirror. "Haha how cute I look. Guess it was bound to happen to me."
I had heard of other bronies turning into ponies but I never thought it would happen to me. First of all I was now a girl. That didn't really bother me. None of this was really a bad thing. The only bad thing was trying to get to New York. Claus heard on TV last night that anypony that turned into a pony had to go to New York.
"Well there goes the ponyisms. Now I say Buck and Everypony." Uh oh. I thought to myself. I have to go the bathroom . . . "Buck how the hell do I walk?”
I tried to my best efforts to walk but to no avail. "Oof." My face landed head first into the carpet.
"Come on don't give up yet." "Eins,Zwei,drei." After about a half hour I was finally walking. "Oh thank Celestia."
In the middle of my pride I walked into the door and my Pickelhaube helmet from WW1 fell onto my head. "CELESTIA BE DAMNED." I screamed. "I mean really thank Celestia my parents are away. They would have bucking heard me by now!"
Finally I was able to make my way to the bathroom. The door stood in front of me closed. "Damn I'm really going to get sick of tasting door knob." My muzzle mouth bit down on the doorknob, my wet pony drool dripped down the bronze knob as I proceeded to open the door.
Using the restroom was a new experience. I could never stand while I pissed ever again thats for sure. All I'm going to say is it felt weird. Like very very weird. I used my mouth to pull some toilet paper over my groin and wiped.
"Vlush and avvaaayyy" I said. I walked out of the bathroom and confronted my next challenge. Stairs. "Now how would a wonderbolt get up the stairs? Oh yeah they would fly." I really should practice a bit first. I proceeded to move my wing muscles. After a couple minutes practice I was able to hover up the stairwell. "Time for some breakfast!" I said. I crash landed onto my counter with a bang.
"Next time I practice more. I also need to stop talking to myself." I looked around the table and saw a bowl full of fruit. "Its a sad thing I will never be able to eat sausage again."
I bit down into the piece of pear and the juices exploded in my mouth. It was sweet yet tangy and burst full of flavor. That was fucking DELICIOUS!!! I thought to myself. My wings flattered in response. I think I have a little wingboner. I blushed at that. After a while I was also able to make some toast and poured myself a glass of juice. Well I'm doing well. Now I just need to find a way to New York. Before I go I might as well enjoy my self,maybe have a shower and watch some TV.
I hovered back into the bathroom. Flying sure is fun. I walked over to the shower and bit down onto the knob. As I warmed up the shower I thought about soaring up in the sky. Maybe with a cute stallion or something.
"WOAH THERE LITTLE FILLY YOU ARE NOT GOING OUT WITH A STALLION." I stepped into the shower and felt the warm water flow through my mane. omigawd that feels soooo gooood. I thought to myself. The water flowed over my flank and I blushed at the thought of being with soarin or another Stallion.
"Wellll maybe its not that bad to be with a stallion. After all I am a mare now." After a 30 minute shower,my ecstasy trip was over. I flicked on the TV and watched Romney giving a speech about the ponies. "These ponies are clearly demons! God has sent for Joseph Smith to end the world!" Yeah right buddy. I thought. Now to real business. How to get to New York.
I was going to fly. I knew I could do it. I felt the wonderbolt spirit flying inside me. I can do it. I thought to myself. I packed my things into my satchel bag. Some food,snacks,my laptop,Iphone and my pocket knife. Plus 150 US dollars. Before I left I would leave a calling card to my family.
Dear Mutti and Vati. I am leaving for New York. As you may have heard us bronies have been turning into ponies. I myself am one of them. I turned into one of my favorite background ponies Surprise. I will be back,I don't know when but rest assured I am fine. Your son erm Daughter, Claus/Surprise. I also put a video on my youtube account telling other ponified bronies to join in on my journey to New York.
I fluttered out my window and onto my roof. The orange spanish villa tiles felt dry under my hooves. I scratched my hoof against the tiles and said, "This is luftwaffe one,Surprise is ready for take off." I flapped my wings and began to soar up high into the air. "WOOO HOOO YEAH BABY!" I then flew off into the Mojave.
Dat lack of punctuation.
...My poor Surprise. I weep for her
haha okay... well i think that's my laundry calling! Gotta run!
you really should have listened to yourself there
You learn to fly. Just like that. Without a few diggers in the dirt.
I sense Mary sueism…
Yeah, um.... I don't know how to put this politely. But it seems like maaaaaaybe your character hasn't thought this through at all. I suppose I can't judge, since my panic attack was delayed for a few hours, but... yeeeeeah, this story seems to be hitting the basic notes of the story form rather then, you know, fleshing out the experience. No offense.
I'm sorry but, this is actually pretty bad. Not only is it pretty rushed, but also quite implausible. For starters you make seem Germans like war-fanatics who can't speak proper English and have to use German words while speaking. Not to mention your abilities come right away, as others before me already have stated. That is what disappoints me most. But there are also other things, like your non-existent use of subordinate clauses. You surely could have done more out of it, but right now, what you have written here is almost unreadable.
I would dearly recommend you to go over this chapter and completely revise it. You have potential, right now though, I can't see any of that.
(Oh, and in case you're wondering why I should know about Germans so much, I am, in fact, one.)
Wow what's that? Its the hate drnachos fic bandwagon! Lets all hop aboard!
1568870
Oh ok!
1568870
Hey, don't gimme the hate. I took my time to write a whole critique where I listed everything that bothered me and where you should improve, so don't complaij about that. Most writers love to have critiques to see where they are lacking.
Also, non of that was meant to be taken as a personal offense. I never read any of your other fics. By the way, I haven't given this fic neither a down nor an up vote, because I believe you can improve, but at the moment I just can't see it. Make me see it.
1569608 oh well
1569608 agreed. I make a habit of not thumb downing though unless I truly hate the story SMELL ME!!! ^.=.^ the stories okay so far in my opinion... Speech makes me think of Nightcrawler from X - Men he's my favorite X - Man of all time