Chapter 0: Unexpected Guest.
Chapter 0: Unexpected Guest
The branches of the giant tree sway in the gusting wind, rain pounds down on the leaves and lightning slices through the midnight sky. Six ponies and a baby dragon huddle together around a small lamp in the Ponyville library during this treacherous storm. Twilight Sparkle, caretaker of the library, has invited the other five ponies to a slumber party on this Nightmare Night. Spike, the baby dragon, has snuck down from his bed to join in their telling of haunting tales despite Twilight's warnings. It is currently Pinkie Pie's turn, a fun loving pink pony.
"It was a dark and stormy night," she begins, drawing out her words to increase the dramatic effect, "much like this one, when the Phantom Pony came to wreak vengeance on his captors. Thirty years ago, three unicorn sisters had imprisoned the Phantom Pony in a mystic necklace and tossed it to the bottom of the lake. It was meant to be his eternal prison, but as the sisters grew older, their magic grew weaker, while the Phantom's power stayed just the same..." A flash of white and the crack of thunder assist her well placed pause, but also causes all seven of them to jump. After regaining her composure from a bought of giggles, Pinkie continues her tale.
"The sisters were now elder ponies and they had all but forgotten the Phantom, entombed in the necklace. On Nightmare Night, when spirits are at their strongest, he broke free of his prison and soared from the bottom of the lake, causing it to boil with his built up hatred. He streaked across the blackening sky toward the sisters' cottage where they were handing out candy to the little fillies and colts.
"He swooped down and possessed a little colt called Lucky and used him to get close to the house, and when he was within reach, the Phantom Pony lept from Lucky's body. As he fell to the ground unconscious, the Phantom grabbed the sisters in his powerful jaws and hauled them off, ponies screeching below in terror."
She pauses, admiring her friends engrossed faces, Rarity had shuffled closer to Spike, or was it the other way around? Rainbow Dash was trying to hold a bored and uninterested look, but her eyes betrayed her, wide and focused, Applejack on the other hand, was leaning forward on her hooves, Pinkie was afraid she might topple over into the lamp. And Fluttershy... Where is Fluttershy? A shivering blanket gives her away and Twilight tries to coax her out with a soothing voice. Pinkie feels bad for frightening Fluttershy, but decides it best to continue so she could hear the happy ending.
"The Phantom carried the sisters up to his cave in the Everfree Forest, where he locked them in a cell of ice. He said, 'You were fools to think you could keep me in there forever, I admit it took longer than I had expected, but I knew it was only a matter of time before you would be too weak to contain me any longer.'" Pinkie spoke in her best stallion voice and added a raspy whisper to the words. "'Now I shall have my vengeance, on you three and on Celestia for making me the way I am.' He reared back on his hind legs, his jagged edged horn glowing a demonic purple, and-" she is cut off by a startling flash of light that illuminates the entire library accompanied immediately by a deafening roll of thunder, along with her own cries and those of her companions.
The library doors open slowly, a lithe bat-winged stallion is outlined by the rain and flashes of lightning behind him. Electricity jumps from his spiked coat and puffy tail, which resembles a storm cloud in shape. He stands at the edge of a gargantuan scorch mark from a bolt of lightning that had struck just outside the library, he sways slightly in the door frame, his hair slowly settling as the charge leaves his body. Rainbow peeks over her blanket and looks hard at the imposing figure.
"Rain Flare?" she inquires, not quite believing that she had uttered the name, one she hadn't heard for many years.
"Hey Dash..." the figure rasps before collapsing in the doorway.
* * * * * * * *
Rain Flare wakes with a start, blinking his deep green eyes in the early morning light. Looking around, he realizes he has no idea where he is. The room is mostly circular, the walls seem to be covered in bark, and the window letting the light shine on his face seems to be in a natural hole. Memories of last night return to him and he figures he must be in one of the Ponyville Library's spare rooms. Sitting up in bed, Rain Flare tries to recall more details of his journey. Princess Luna had called him to Canterlot Palace, claiming it was urgent he get there as soon as possible. He had been stationed on the outskirts of Equestria, keeping a close eye on the Changelings' activity.
What could be more important than this? he had thought, but regardless, he had come.
In his hurry he hadn't heard of an oncoming storm the pegasi in Ponyville were stirring up. Desperate to get to the castle before it got too severe, he had flown faster than he had in ages, not since flight school. His spiky, red-brown mane, and bushy tail had started to rise, his hair soon followed suit and Rain Flare had a brief flash back to a race with Rainbow Dash. He had to slow down, or get to the castle faster.
He had, unfortunately, chosen the latter. Static built up along his body, lightning struck closer and closer to him, until finally, a bolt began to chase in his wake. Rain Flare had cursed himself for his recklessness and began a death plunge, unbeknownst at the time, into Ponyville. The bolt of electricity grew in size as his speed increased. When the bolt was just meters from singeing his bushy tail, he pulled up into a shallower dive that the bolt could not follow. The giant bolt struck the ground a few yards behind him, emanating a huge bang. He panted heavily, landing in front of a large tree. Stumbling forward to rest against it, the doors he hadn't noticed opened gently as he leaned on them. Inside were several quivering blankets around a dim lamp. One shape had poked its rainbow-maned head out and asked if he was Rain Flare. He had greeted his old friend before passing out. Now remembering what had transpired, he gets up to officially greet his host.
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Hey readers, my first attempt at public writing. Please be honest but gentle with your reviews. If not enough people like it I won't post the rest, but if there are some that wan't to see the rest just PM me and we'll see what we can work out. My god I'm so bad at this...
Anyways, read, hope you enjoy.
Just as a general note, don't capitalise your races. For example, you wouldn't capitalise 'human' in a sentence, would you? There's no need to do it when you are describing ponies, pegasi, unicorns and alicorns!
~Sierra, TWE's Raging Englishman dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png
1445531
Okay, thanks for the tip.
All fixed.
If you are going to like/dislike it. Could you please tell me why? I can't improve without criticism.
Thank you!
Well, due to the fact it's getting a bit late here, I'm going to do a quick review of some kind.
First off I'd like to note that your basic English is really good compared to some of the first tries I have seen. You got it clearly written with no mistakes, at least I didn't see any when I took a quick peek.
Secondly, I'd also like to note how you didn't "Gary Stu" yourself here. Your OC is an pegasus who actually passes out rather than an almighty alicorn who can resist every single little thing that get shot at him and would never faint from such a minor thing as a lightning almost hitting him. Well done, indeed.
The third note is an constructive thing. When a character is thinking, use something to indicate that. For example, italics.
And that's about it. You passed with a single constructive note and two compliments. A thumbs-up for you!
1445709
Now I feel like an @$$ for calling myself crappy, thanks for the self-esteem boost!
What part(s) were you talking about for the thoughts? So I can go back and fix it later, busy at the moment.
Since you are actively asking for criticism . . .
i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg
Deep Pond here, TWE's knight-errant and Officially Approved Reviewer. I have a hat and everything. So here we go.
We readers know who Pinkie is. It's good to throw in description and explanation here and there, but this is too much at once. For example, the fact that she lives with the Cakes - even if the reader didn't know that - adds nothing to the scene here.
reads better as
Rain Flare worries me. Here's why:
He can outrun a lightning bolt and break the sound barrier. Canonically, only one pony has ever managed to do that: Rainbow Dash, with her sonic rainboom. It was considered an old pony tale until she did it again. It's Dash's major claim to fame, and having Rain Flare do it both diminishes Dash and makes him look like an overpowered Gary Stu. It's like making a pony stronger than Big Mac, or more magically potent than Twilight: unless they're an overpowered villain, it's incredibly hard to do well.
Overall, I think this has promise. Tone down Rain Flare and work on the structural issues and you could have a decent fic here. You've already avoided most of the major spelling and grammar errors, which is rarer than you might think.
Good luck, and keep writing!
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight-errant
1445872
Holy crap... I'm gonna be busy tonight...
Thank you so much for your criticism.
I wasn't trying to make Rain Flare super duper or anything, just wanted to give him something special. My original Idea was that he could basically SUMMON lightning but I realized that was bogus so I tried to dumb it down a little, guess it still needs some work though. But anyways, point being, the lightning thing is his special talent I guess, the way his tail is and his coats strange ability to build up electricity when flying fast in a storm (more friction plus the electricity already in the clouds) was just a cool idea I had and I liked how it could work into the intro and possibly later on in the story, (still working out some details). I appreciate your opinion and I agree it does take away from Rainbowdash's "Sonic Rainboom" ability, but I still wanna keep it, if I can't figure out a way to make him seem less OP, I guess I'll just try to figure out something else to do.
And who is Gary Stu? Two people have mentioned him now, you saying Rain Flare is like one of his characters and NotTheOP saying he is not like one... So I'm a bit confused...
1445945 "Gary Stu" is the male form of "Mary Sue." A Sue/Stu is an author insert character: basically a wish-fulfillment character. They traditionally have lots of unearned power, everyone who is good likes them, their guesses and intuitions are never wrong, the character the author is most attracted to falls in love with them, etc.
For instance, say I wrote a story where my OC came to Ponyville. He was instantly befriended by the Mane Six, Derpy, Lyra, etc. He distrusted the Flim-Flam Brothers and Gilda on first sight, he saved Big McIntosh by lifting a log off him (because he's stronger than Mac), and Applejack fell in love with him. That's a Gary Stu, and unless I was incredibly good at the actual writing, that would be a terrible story to read.
Rain Flare doesn't come across as a Gary Stu except for the rainboom thing. I like his affinity with lightning - it's unusual but not alien - but being better at something than a canon character who's supposed to be the best of the best is a strong sign of Stu-ness.
Summoning lightning I could actually see . . . pegasi canonically have the ability to control weather, so Rain being better than most at manipulating lightning makes a certain amount of sense.
1446022
So I should go back to something like my original Idea then? Okay, I'll try that and see how it works...
I don't know what I should do the intro though... I'll figure something out.
And, um, he WAS gonna end up with my favorite pony but I'm a little blurry on if that is okay...
1446067
OC/canon pony romance is not, by itself, a bad thing, but it has to be done carefully. Nopony likes fics where an OC shows up and suddenly [insert pony here] is salivating over him with no build-up or prior relationship. The main thing to remember is: keep the canon ponies in character, and allow the romance to develop. Fluttershy's not going to be attracted to a brutal, bloodthirsty warrior; Applejack is unlikely to be attracted to a whiney bookworm who's afraid of physical work.
Also, be sure and give your OC a personality. Let him be wrong on occasion. Let him have ideas that aren't exactly the same as yours. So many OCs are blank cardboard cutouts with whatever the author thinks is cool plastered over them, and those OCs are incredibly dull. Think of the surprising depth of canon characters, even one-shot characters like
. Trixie is a ham and a showmare, but she also demonstrated genuine courage facing the Ursa, and it's important to note that she didn't chase down the others to make them look bad: she issued a challenge, and they chose to accept. She's a lot more nuanced that first impressions might suggest.
As for the intro, does he have to break the sound barrier? Maybe he can just feel the lightning building behind him, and try to get to safety before it hits. Nothing wrong with him being a fast flier, but "faster than the Dash" is not a good idea.
Wow, the thousandth story on my 'Read Later' list.
As you can tell, I don't have a lot of time at all.
>1446129
Okay, thank you so much, you're a real big help. I mean it.
the sound barrier breaking was a last minute addition anyways and there not really a point to it so...
*delete*
All better.
I think everything people mentioned is fixed... If I missed anything please point it out, and try to be specific so I can find it. Thank you.
1446196
) But I'm glad you want to read it.
Awww... I'm sorry to hear that. I wouldn't race to get to mine though, it's still in alpha (totally not a nerd
Looks a lot better. If I'm not mistaken, the first section - Pinkie's ghost story - is meant to be in present tense, while the rest is in past tense, yes?
You get a like from me, as willingness to improve should be rewarded. Keep it up!
1447100
Other way around actually, I like the challenge of writing in present tense.
Thanks, I could't have done it without you.
1446563
Alpha?
1447155
Its a computer term. When something isn't finished and is still being tested but is operational, it is in alpha, beta is a more functional version with bugs worked out, then there is the final product.
I believe I have successfully moved up to beta.
..... Just realized It has 1,111 words... Weird...
1447259
Yes, I am fully aware of what Alpha means, but I'm confuzzled by the comment prior to my previous one. (thousandth story)
I was going to do a bit deeper review today.
Came here and saw Deep Pond's really extensive review with the shiny TWE badge.
i.imgur.com/x5GwX.gif
You beat me by far, dear sir.
And for the author, great job fixing everything and taking to criticism like a true author instead of starting to whine about how this is your story and you do whatever you want. Great job, indeed!
1449635
Oh, sorry. I was saying that the story is still really rough so it would probably be a good idea to read something else while I fix it up. Sorry for the confusion.
1449793
Thank you, I greatly appreciate that you were going to help me.
And thank you for the compliment, I did ask for criticism, so I'd hope I wouldn't complain about getting it.
You and Deep Pond have been quite a big help, to the story and to my self esteem.
1451104
Anything to support a rising author! The start can be hard, but soon enough you will be getting stories up by just hitting your head to the keyboard while listening to binaurals and trying to meditate.
But seriously, you really deserve it!
Whilst the so-called positive criticism makes you fell better, the so-called negative criticism and the so-called constructive criticism make you write better. That's the reason why everyone should actually listen to the critique the readers are giving rather than reading only the positive pieces and ignoring the pieces you as the author don't like.
And it's always great to see that an author is eager to receive such critique and actually is asking for help. Good to see that you actually want to improve!
I'm actually going to post a picture I dug out from the depths of my Imgur galleries. You should take this as a compliment if you want to even try to take it as something.
i.imgur.com/DgiI5.png
And oh, keep on writing. I'll be sure to be there, when I just happen to have the time.
1451158
), but with luck things should calm down and I'll actually be able to write a true chapter! 
DERPY!!!
People like you are people I wanna meet in real life and become friends with, but alas, we will most likely not.
I hope to get a good number of views and a decent percentage of likes above dislikes so I have motivation to keep putting myself out there.
More of the story probably won't be posted for a while for I am very busy lately (I hate school...
Most of my updates will most likely be over school vacations, so look forward to those!
1451644
Well don't go making comments about it. It happens fairly often
In any case, seeing as I've already read it and enjoyed it, I shall toss a like your way
Other than that, there are still some tense errors in here you might wanna fix. Keep an eye out for those, especially in the last few paragraphs.
1452997
Yeah, I know it does, it just bugs me.
Okay, thanks, I'll read it over and over when I get the chance until I find them all.
1451230
My notifications failed me and I found out about your reply just mere minutes ago. So, sorry for the late answer.
Yes, I have been craving for these kinds of friends for long. But making your living by fixing computers doesn't really leave you cash to go travelling... I'd love to see BronyCon or something like that even once. I'd give my right arm to meet bronies in public. But some things just aren't meant to be...
That's what every author hopes for. It's the incredible feeling you get when you notice that three more people has read the stuff you wrote and actually liked it. That, aside the fact I can meet and help other authors, is the reason why I am here.
School and work, the worst enemies of an author... I'll be looking towards it, and as I already mentioned, I'll be there!
Now I know this is my choice and all, but I want your guys honest opinions, should the story stay in present tense, or should I change it to past tense to make it a bit more reader friendly?
You've all already done so much for me, I hate to ask for more, but I would greatly appreciate your input.
Also, work on chapter 1 (2? would this Intro count as chapter 1?) has begun. I apologize in advance if it is a tad terrible, but I'll fix it up when I get the chance, I just really wanna get it out to you guys before I wuss out or ya'll lose interest.