Rain Flare, a member of Princess Luna's Royal Guard, has been reassigned to the border shared by Equestria and the territory of the Changelings in response to their attack at the wedding of Shining Armor and Princess Cadence. Shortly after his reassignment, the bat-winged pegasus is called back to Canterlot by his princess for a special assignment. He could never have guessed what it would be.
Takes place a little while after the end of season two.
Rating subject to change if I feel comfortable.
Thanks to NotTheOP, Exolief, and DeepPond for their critiques! (this thanks is waaayyy over due, I sincerely apologize)
Chapters (10)
Hey readers, my first attempt at public writing. Please be honest but gentle with your reviews. If not enough people like it I won't post the rest, but if there are some that wan't to see the rest just PM me and we'll see what we can work out. My god I'm so bad at this...
Anyways, read, hope you enjoy.
Just as a general note, don't capitalise your races. For example, you wouldn't capitalise 'human' in a sentence, would you? There's no need to do it when you are describing ponies, pegasi, unicorns and alicorns!
~Sierra, TWE's Raging Englishman dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png
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Okay, thanks for the tip.
All fixed.
If you are going to like/dislike it. Could you please tell me why? I can't improve without criticism.
Thank you!
Well, due to the fact it's getting a bit late here, I'm going to do a quick review of some kind.
First off I'd like to note that your basic English is really good compared to some of the first tries I have seen. You got it clearly written with no mistakes, at least I didn't see any when I took a quick peek.
Secondly, I'd also like to note how you didn't "Gary Stu" yourself here. Your OC is an pegasus who actually passes out rather than an almighty alicorn who can resist every single little thing that get shot at him and would never faint from such a minor thing as a lightning almost hitting him. Well done, indeed.
The third note is an constructive thing. When a character is thinking, use something to indicate that. For example, italics.
And that's about it. You passed with a single constructive note and two compliments. A thumbs-up for you!
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Now I feel like an @$$ for calling myself crappy, thanks for the self-esteem boost!
What part(s) were you talking about for the thoughts? So I can go back and fix it later, busy at the moment.
Since you are actively asking for criticism . . .
i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg
Deep Pond here, TWE's knight-errant and Officially Approved Reviewer. I have a hat and everything. So here we go.
We readers know who Pinkie is. It's good to throw in description and explanation here and there, but this is too much at once. For example, the fact that she lives with the Cakes - even if the reader didn't know that - adds nothing to the scene here.
reads better as
Rain Flare worries me. Here's why:
He can outrun a lightning bolt and break the sound barrier. Canonically, only one pony has ever managed to do that: Rainbow Dash, with her sonic rainboom. It was considered an old pony tale until she did it again. It's Dash's major claim to fame, and having Rain Flare do it both diminishes Dash and makes him look like an overpowered Gary Stu. It's like making a pony stronger than Big Mac, or more magically potent than Twilight: unless they're an overpowered villain, it's incredibly hard to do well.
Overall, I think this has promise. Tone down Rain Flare and work on the structural issues and you could have a decent fic here. You've already avoided most of the major spelling and grammar errors, which is rarer than you might think.
Good luck, and keep writing!
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight-errant
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Holy crap... I'm gonna be busy tonight...
Thank you so much for your criticism.
I wasn't trying to make Rain Flare super duper or anything, just wanted to give him something special. My original Idea was that he could basically SUMMON lightning but I realized that was bogus so I tried to dumb it down a little, guess it still needs some work though. But anyways, point being, the lightning thing is his special talent I guess, the way his tail is and his coats strange ability to build up electricity when flying fast in a storm (more friction plus the electricity already in the clouds) was just a cool idea I had and I liked how it could work into the intro and possibly later on in the story, (still working out some details). I appreciate your opinion and I agree it does take away from Rainbowdash's "Sonic Rainboom" ability, but I still wanna keep it, if I can't figure out a way to make him seem less OP, I guess I'll just try to figure out something else to do.
And who is Gary Stu? Two people have mentioned him now, you saying Rain Flare is like one of his characters and NotTheOP saying he is not like one... So I'm a bit confused...
1445945 "Gary Stu" is the male form of "Mary Sue." A Sue/Stu is an author insert character: basically a wish-fulfillment character. They traditionally have lots of unearned power, everyone who is good likes them, their guesses and intuitions are never wrong, the character the author is most attracted to falls in love with them, etc.
For instance, say I wrote a story where my OC came to Ponyville. He was instantly befriended by the Mane Six, Derpy, Lyra, etc. He distrusted the Flim-Flam Brothers and Gilda on first sight, he saved Big McIntosh by lifting a log off him (because he's stronger than Mac), and Applejack fell in love with him. That's a Gary Stu, and unless I was incredibly good at the actual writing, that would be a terrible story to read.
Rain Flare doesn't come across as a Gary Stu except for the rainboom thing. I like his affinity with lightning - it's unusual but not alien - but being better at something than a canon character who's supposed to be the best of the best is a strong sign of Stu-ness.
Summoning lightning I could actually see . . . pegasi canonically have the ability to control weather, so Rain being better than most at manipulating lightning makes a certain amount of sense.
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So I should go back to something like my original Idea then? Okay, I'll try that and see how it works...
I don't know what I should do the intro though... I'll figure something out.
And, um, he WAS gonna end up with my favorite pony but I'm a little blurry on if that is okay...
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OC/canon pony romance is not, by itself, a bad thing, but it has to be done carefully. Nopony likes fics where an OC shows up and suddenly [insert pony here] is salivating over him with no build-up or prior relationship. The main thing to remember is: keep the canon ponies in character, and allow the romance to develop. Fluttershy's not going to be attracted to a brutal, bloodthirsty warrior; Applejack is unlikely to be attracted to a whiney bookworm who's afraid of physical work.
Also, be sure and give your OC a personality. Let him be wrong on occasion. Let him have ideas that aren't exactly the same as yours. So many OCs are blank cardboard cutouts with whatever the author thinks is cool plastered over them, and those OCs are incredibly dull. Think of the surprising depth of canon characters, even one-shot characters like
. Trixie is a ham and a showmare, but she also demonstrated genuine courage facing the Ursa, and it's important to note that she didn't chase down the others to make them look bad: she issued a challenge, and they chose to accept. She's a lot more nuanced that first impressions might suggest.
As for the intro, does he have to break the sound barrier? Maybe he can just feel the lightning building behind him, and try to get to safety before it hits. Nothing wrong with him being a fast flier, but "faster than the Dash" is not a good idea.
Wow, the thousandth story on my 'Read Later' list.
As you can tell, I don't have a lot of time at all.
>1446129
Okay, thank you so much, you're a real big help. I mean it.
the sound barrier breaking was a last minute addition anyways and there not really a point to it so...
*delete*
All better.
I think everything people mentioned is fixed... If I missed anything please point it out, and try to be specific so I can find it. Thank you.
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) But I'm glad you want to read it.
Awww... I'm sorry to hear that. I wouldn't race to get to mine though, it's still in alpha (totally not a nerd
Looks a lot better. If I'm not mistaken, the first section - Pinkie's ghost story - is meant to be in present tense, while the rest is in past tense, yes?
You get a like from me, as willingness to improve should be rewarded. Keep it up!
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Other way around actually, I like the challenge of writing in present tense.
Thanks, I could't have done it without you.
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Alpha?
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Its a computer term. When something isn't finished and is still being tested but is operational, it is in alpha, beta is a more functional version with bugs worked out, then there is the final product.
I believe I have successfully moved up to beta.
..... Just realized It has 1,111 words... Weird...
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Yes, I am fully aware of what Alpha means, but I'm confuzzled by the comment prior to my previous one. (thousandth story)
I was going to do a bit deeper review today.
Came here and saw Deep Pond's really extensive review with the shiny TWE badge.
i.imgur.com/x5GwX.gif
You beat me by far, dear sir.
And for the author, great job fixing everything and taking to criticism like a true author instead of starting to whine about how this is your story and you do whatever you want. Great job, indeed!
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Oh, sorry. I was saying that the story is still really rough so it would probably be a good idea to read something else while I fix it up. Sorry for the confusion.
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Thank you, I greatly appreciate that you were going to help me.
And thank you for the compliment, I did ask for criticism, so I'd hope I wouldn't complain about getting it.
You and Deep Pond have been quite a big help, to the story and to my self esteem.
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Anything to support a rising author! The start can be hard, but soon enough you will be getting stories up by just hitting your head to the keyboard while listening to binaurals and trying to meditate.
But seriously, you really deserve it!
Whilst the so-called positive criticism makes you fell better, the so-called negative criticism and the so-called constructive criticism make you write better. That's the reason why everyone should actually listen to the critique the readers are giving rather than reading only the positive pieces and ignoring the pieces you as the author don't like.
And it's always great to see that an author is eager to receive such critique and actually is asking for help. Good to see that you actually want to improve!
I'm actually going to post a picture I dug out from the depths of my Imgur galleries. You should take this as a compliment if you want to even try to take it as something.
i.imgur.com/DgiI5.png
And oh, keep on writing. I'll be sure to be there, when I just happen to have the time.
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), but with luck things should calm down and I'll actually be able to write a true chapter! 
DERPY!!!
People like you are people I wanna meet in real life and become friends with, but alas, we will most likely not.
I hope to get a good number of views and a decent percentage of likes above dislikes so I have motivation to keep putting myself out there.
More of the story probably won't be posted for a while for I am very busy lately (I hate school...
Most of my updates will most likely be over school vacations, so look forward to those!
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Well don't go making comments about it. It happens fairly often
In any case, seeing as I've already read it and enjoyed it, I shall toss a like your way
Other than that, there are still some tense errors in here you might wanna fix. Keep an eye out for those, especially in the last few paragraphs.
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Yeah, I know it does, it just bugs me.
Okay, thanks, I'll read it over and over when I get the chance until I find them all.
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My notifications failed me and I found out about your reply just mere minutes ago. So, sorry for the late answer.
Yes, I have been craving for these kinds of friends for long. But making your living by fixing computers doesn't really leave you cash to go travelling... I'd love to see BronyCon or something like that even once. I'd give my right arm to meet bronies in public. But some things just aren't meant to be...
That's what every author hopes for. It's the incredible feeling you get when you notice that three more people has read the stuff you wrote and actually liked it. That, aside the fact I can meet and help other authors, is the reason why I am here.
School and work, the worst enemies of an author... I'll be looking towards it, and as I already mentioned, I'll be there!
Now I know this is my choice and all, but I want your guys honest opinions, should the story stay in present tense, or should I change it to past tense to make it a bit more reader friendly?
You've all already done so much for me, I hate to ask for more, but I would greatly appreciate your input.
Also, work on chapter 1 (2? would this Intro count as chapter 1?) has begun. I apologize in advance if it is a tad terrible, but I'll fix it up when I get the chance, I just really wanna get it out to you guys before I wuss out or ya'll lose interest.
Whoo hoo! Official first chapter!
Read, comment, and critique please.
I hope you guys enjoy it as much as you enjoyed my introduction test run.
Well, I don't have the time to do a proper review due to the fact I'm going to have to go see yet another doctor in about an hour, so I'll just stick to telling things the regular way.
First off, this was great! Good formatting, great use of English (I personally liked the "frenemy", if that wasn't a typo), even a nice and catchy storyline forming up!
Some minor spelling mistakes, such as
Aside from such small mistakes, you're doing great! I'm definitely enjoying this.
Have a picture:
i.imgur.com/yJhKT.png?1
"Oh come on, that was nothing."
Easy for you to say, Twilight.
And the chapter itself. *Ahem*.
Great job! This is just getting better and better. I spotted no mistakes when I took a quick look and after reading through it completely, I still have nothing. You're doing well!
You are just getting me deeper and deeper into this. Once again, great job! There is that something I just love to see in a story present here. I must say, this is the first OC story to achieve that.
I'll be eagerly waiting for more!
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*blush*
Thanks man, you're so kind. That means a lot to me. To hear that you appreciate it so much.
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You're totally welcome!
And it means a lot to me to see that I have managed to cause such effect on someone.
i.imgur.com/ydv2V.gif Have a happy Lyra. You deserve it!
Even if this chapter is a bit short, I'm enjoying every single word of it.
I'm going to mention your creative use of words yet again. I've never, up to this day, seen anyone here use the word cumulonimbus to describe a cloud. It brings this level of intelligence to the story whilst also removing the repetitive use of words (not that I have seen any
).
And to end this short comment, never piss off Rainbow. Never.
img.youtube.com/vi/tbblSflI9nA/0.jpg
I am, as always, eagerly waiting for more
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Thanks, my nerdyness does tend to bleed through into my writing, along with my sarcasm and humor. Not always the best mix for writing essays. 
I noticed my chapters are pretty short, but they will hopefully get longer once everything is situated and I can get into the adventure part of the tale.
I am looking forward to another story of yours, it has been a while since any of my favorites were updated, so I'm anxious for something to read.
Chapter 4 will probably be up over Thanksgiving vacation, if I have the time that is.
Love reading a comment again, and I agree. Rain bow angry = XP bad.
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On the other hoof, short chapters are faster to read and things are easier to notice... But again on the other hoof, long chapters provide entertainment for longer amounts of time... Why is everything so hard
?
But yeah... Teachers might not always understand your logic while it makes perfect sense to yourself. I have noticed this more than once over the course of my rough path of education...
Well, we Finns do not have Thanksgiving (I dunno why...), but after taking a look at good ol' Wikipedia, I found out that it's pretty soon! More to come,
Love replying to a sane person again!
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Yeah, chapter 1 was wicked long, the intro was a decent length, and I got tons of comments on those. Chapters 2 has non but yours and mine I believe and I having a feeling this chapter is going to wind up the same way, but oh well.
Lol, yeah it's coming up pretty fast.
Who have you been talking to while I was away...?
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Well, that tends to happen. When you take a good look at the comments of my stories (and preferably The Fall, chapters past three), you might notice that it's pretty much me talking to one (two in The Fall) (Three if we count you in) reader(s)... For hundreds of comments...
And I'm not planning to stop doing it
And I'm glad that it is! More to read = more fun!
I have been talking to my friends in Skype while playing Minecraft. Sounds quite nice, huh? It's not when they get on that mood.
As I'm the only brony in our little group, they like to poke some fun at me, all in good fun, of course. It's usually quite funny when I think of it and usually even share a laugh with them. And of course, I poke some fun at them. All in good fun, of course.
For example, over the course of the last four hours my house has exploded five times... But no worries, it was not a fancy house. And besides, they got spammed with some ponies. And some creepers. Aaaaaaand I kinda managed to switch the normal Minecraft music to be an endless loop of the MLP theme song...
They are also a bit... odd from times to times. I must say that they have the jokes not many would laugh at...
So, compared to them, a regular user of the internet looks like the sanest person in the world for me.
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LOL Pony trolling is best.
I have a couple brony friends and only one of the non-bronies doesn't approve, but like with you, he only picks on me in good fun.
And this comment is ending here. Can't. Freakin. TYPE!!!
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It's especially effective if you happen to have a full control of your friends' computers after "tweaking" them to run Minecraft faster
Open a program here, press a button there, take the control and open up some pony.
But the bad thing is that they know I did it. And this leads to some counter-trolls/attempts.
And the cycle goes on.
I wish your hands/brains/whatever it is causing your trouble typing stuff a quick recovery. You don't want to see me type dead tired. Looks like I tried to write stuff by banging my head on the keyboard.
LOLOLOLOL
Yeah, I'm just hitting all the wrong keys. Trying to warm up with some game playing.
What did you think of the chapter by the way? Other than the overall fact that you seem to enjoy it.
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Gaming. The cure for everything (doesn't include eye diseases or insomnia).
Well, I better think before I can't. It's nearing one am and it's only the matter of time when my brains decide to slow down a little...
I think you managed to capture Rainbow's personality pretty well. Some other story and she would just have forgiven everything and everypony would have been happy and all of a sudden the OC would have had a romance with every single of the elements. I have seen this happen. Was not impressed.
Also, another thing of personalities, I love the way how you remember that Rain Flare is a part of the Royal Guard. The sometimes-formal speech and great manners and all. Yet again the level of intelligence and neat stuff like that.
Whilst still being conscious, I noticed a thing. Pinkie Pie, not Pinkiepie. Near the end
And once again. Aerodynamics, remembering the fact that there is this nasty thing called "air resistance". Someone else could have written it like
Whilst that could pass, you told it with more detail and definitely more science-y stuff. Science-y is good!
And to end this little ramble of some kind, I have come to the conclusion that I truly like this. Derpy.
i.imgur.com/tcMlX.png
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You are slowly poisoning me to have derpy as my favorite pony sir, shes so damn awesome. And show cuteh!
Oh sweet Celestia...
I'll go fix that error.
And holy crap man, I didn't realize the time difference was so much, plus I just registered you said "Finn", you live in Finland? Holy crap! Thats awesome!
Sheesh... I'm glad my writing doesn't sound like my commenting... that's terrible...
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ponilauta.fi/k/src/13411762019860.gif/Discord%20just%20as%20planned.gif
But seriously, I just kinda stuff Derpy everywhere I just can. She cheers me up. Although, every pony cheers me up...
GMT +2 here.
Yes, I do live in Finland. It's kinda cool all the other times, but Autumn. Raining, raining, raining, raining, early snow gets turned into water and everything looks so damn brown again, it's not warm but not cold either and you tend to get a nasty flu whenever you just take the trash out. In fact, during my one hour of awake-time today I have already used a whole packet of tissues...
But oh boy when the winter comes! Snow covering the land, beautiful sceneries, trees covered in snow and truly cold and clear winter nights when you can go swim in the river that's flowing a bit too fast to have frozen already with your cousins and just jump in with only shorts/underwear/nothing on, let it take you and after about 200-500m, with your last powers pull yourself and possibly your cousins up to the little field where you earlier that day took all the necessary stuff, light up the fire and open the packets containing real Finnish sausage, marshmallows and the bottles of cheapo-coke and spend all night there, drinking cheap coke, getting a sugar rush on with all the treats you had hidden there and not sleeping. And when the first beams of morning light reach the field, you pack the stuff up and start walking back to the house of my granddad where we are temporary living when we are visiting your cousins.
Even though the Finnish fall/autumn sucks, I think I can consider myself somewhat lucky
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) Pinkie Pie would love to hang with you and your cousins.
That sounds like a pretty sweet time (PUNS!
Ugh, can't type again and I have to go do a research paper... yay...
Just got back from a fun Latin competition though, so I guess it makes sense for me to do some work now.
I wonder how many of my readers are eavesdropping on this conversation... Hmmmm...
Anyways, I can't wait to start on chapter 4, I just need the time and a better idea of what I wanna do.
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I could imagine Pinkie running around there... The awesomeness would be at least doubled!
Good luck for you with the paper! Let's hope that it will be an easy one and your teacher gives a good grade.
Latin, huh? Sounds cool! I can only speak Finnish (duh), English (which I sometimes even speak better than Finnish
) and minor Swedish (every Finn who goes to school is forced to study Swedish as it still is our second official language).
Well, if they are, I wonder how much they are laughing. Or how shocked they are. Or are they really so bored that they watch people having a conversation.
Feel free to take your time! Rushing things gets you nowhere. Quality goes over speed and so on.
And as always, I have to dig something from the depths of my stash. Hold on.
Ah, here we go. HUGS! are best hugs.
i.imgur.com/p58wn.png
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lol, I think that classifies more as a glomp, but yeah.
I was forced to take Spanish for like, 5 years.
All I remember? "No hablo Espanol."
I don't speak Spanish in Spanish