• Published 6th Apr 2024
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Princess I Shrunk The Human - also there’s an an army of spiders under my house - Burt



It’s Anon’s day off. Twilight abuses this by testing spells on him. Also spiders.

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The Ooze

The walk was… odd to say the least. It would seem that the place Anon had fallen into was one of many caverns and tunnels. And if he thought that the previous ‘room’ was big, the area outside dwarfed it. Larger mushrooms, more spider webs, and movement from all around proving that were in fact more spiders.

He shudders involuntarily. Never did he think he’d be sticking close to what was essentially a titan tarantula born from the imagination of a schizophrenic’s sleep paralysis for safety. Gulping dryly, he mutters. “Where are we going?”

“THE GREAT OOZE.”

“The what?” He squawks.

“I’VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO SHARE OUR GREAT GIFT WITH ANYONE, OH I’M OVERJOYED! IT IS SO DREADFULLY BORING DOWN HERE.” Queen spider seems to think out loud to herself, not really paying him much mind.

“You’re not gonna put me into the… ooze, right?” Anon chuckles nervously, eyes flickering every once and while to the movement outside his peripheral vision.

“OH NO, PERISH THE THOUGHT MY GREEN GUEST!” Queen spider gasped as if scandalized, the hair on her body bristling. She pauses to look back at Anon, movement slow as to not scare him. “THE OOZE IS EXIT ONLY.”

“…exit only?”


“Twilight?”

“Oh? Yes Princess?”

The princess and her student are within the confines of the royal carriage, on route to Ponyville. When Celestia frowns suddenly. Eyebrows knitting in concentration.

“How many ponies have you told about Anon’s disappearance?”

“Just… just you Princess… why?”

“Surely Spike must know?”

Twilight’s eyes seem to shrink. “W-well… I kind of… maybe left in a hurry and didn’t say anything? She chuckles nervously.

“Twilight you’re not in trouble for not sharing this information with Spike.” Celestia shakes her head. Although some part of her is thankful that her student didn’t tell anyone else. “However you shouldn’t just leave without notice, it can cause a panic. I’m sure Spike is feeling very confused right about now.”

Twilight mumbles. “Sorry, Princess.”

“It’s quite alright Twilight, although… it is a bit odd that Spike hasn’t sent me a letter inquiring about your absence.” Celestia tilts her head, eyes peering out the carriage. “Oh well. We’ve arrived now, I’m sure we can simply see what the little drake is… up… to…” And then her easy going expression falls into one of shock; then horror. “Oh dear.”

“Huh?“ Twilight quickly jerks her head to join her teacher in looking down below towards the approaching town of Ponyville. “What’s wrong? I don’t understand?”

“Twilight, do you see your library.”

“…no?” Twilight drawls, confusion more than apparent. Her ear flicks as she narrows her eyes, concentrating hard.

‘Wait a minute.’

Twilight’s shivers. “I don’t see it…?” Realization settles in.

“Exactly.” Celestia breathed, voice sounding strained.

Twilight’s feels her jaw slowly grow lax, eyes forming into pinpricks.

Her home was gone.


“THIS OUR GIFT. THE GREAT OOZE.”

Anon gulps. “It’s real… glowy.” Acidic green bubbles boiled to its surface before popping, singeing the rock outside the pool. ’That cannot be safe for the skin…’ He inches a little farther away just to be safe even as his guide leans closer, seemingly enamoured.

“FROM THIS GLOW, MY BROOD IS BORN.”

“Oh… you’re their mother right? Do you lay eggs in it or something?”

Queen spider shakes her head. “I AM INFERTILE. AND I DO NOT CARE TO ASK WHY IT GIVES, I SIMPLY THANK THE GREAT OOZE FOR GIVING.”

“Uh… that’s pretty neat, I guess.” Anon shuffles awkwardly, eyes shifting from one spot of the room to the other.

The ooze spits out a baby spider at his feet.

“Gah!” He jumps in fright. “What the fuck-“

The still wet spider opens it’s emerald green eyes lazily. Blinking up at Anon. “Mama?” Despite the scratchy voice it’s actually kinda… endearing, in a straggly kind of way. It was certainly the smallest spider he’s seen so far. Despite that, it was still the size of a house cat. Which made his skin crawl.

“Uh… sorry kid I’m not your mommy.”

“YOU.” Queenie leans into the tiny thing’s view, making Anon jump at the sudden proximity. “YOUR NAME SHALL BE… BARTHOLOMEW.”

The little baby spider sits there for a moment, as if contemplating something profound; it’s many eyes shimmering. Before suddenly postering itself with a couple legs in the air. “Yippie! My name is Bartholomew! Yippie!” It’s hiss is so high pitched in might’ve been a squeak. Either way it was cute enough that Anon felt bad for having to fight the considerable urge to punt the little guy… girl… whatever.

His life was very confusing.

“NOW, MY SWEET BARTHOLOMEW; YOU WILL BE THIS GREEN CREATURE’S-“ Queen spider actually freezes, turning her focus to her human guest. Although it might’ve been a little too fast as it seemed to startle the human. “WHAT IS YOUR NAME?”

Anon’s face twitches; trying to rest the sudden spike to his heart rate. “Ah- Anonymous butyoucancallmeAnon!” He coughs. “Anon, my name is Anon. What’s… yours?”

Queen spider’s eyes seem to light up, not too dissimilar to how Bartholomew’s had. “MY NAME…” She straightens herself, head raising proudly. “MY NAME IS…” She seems to pause for dramatic effect.

Anon is remiss to say she had him in apt attention. What manner of name could such a terrifying arachnid have? Maybe something like Gilgamesh, or as equally otherworldly and-

“BETTY.”

“…Betty.”

“BETTY. THE VERY BEST, BETTY!”

“…what the fuck even is my life, bro.”


“How is this possible?” Princess Celestia speaks more to herself than anyone else, before shaking her head. The town’s inhabitants had been thrown into a tizzy as their resident librarian and her home had seemingly vanished without a trace. Of course, her student’s arrival had been a relief to her friends. All but Rainbow Dash, who had immediately raced away to Canterlot Castle to make Celestia aware of the situation. Although a fruitless endeavour, she appreciated the effort.

And now her guards desperately tried to investigate if any foul play was involved. While a bundle of onlookers watched transfixed.

Mutterings of a ‘spell gone wrong’ or ‘dragon attack’ were on the lips of few ponies, however it was simply white noise to the Princess. After a quickly spell, it became apparent that things just went from bad to worse.

“Spike isn’t here…” Twilight was hyperventilating. “Spike isn’t here!”

“Neither is Anon.” Frustration did find its way worming into Celestia’s tone. But she quickly attempts to bury it. “We will find them both, Twilight. Perhaps Spike had simply wandered from the library. He is an adventurous little drake, correct?”

Twilight whines, a hair’s length away from a breakdown. “Maybe?”

Applejack cuts in. Placing a hoof on Twlight’s shoulder. “I reckon if there was any place he’d be, it would be the schoolyard. He does visit the crusaders from time to time.” She gives a strained smile. “Me an’ the girls will look high a low for ‘em Twilight, that’s a promise.” But despite her words even she is unnerved by the situation.

“Did you see him before you left to visit the Princess, dear?” Rarity gently intones.

Twilight bites her lip. “I had gotten so caught up with Anon… maybe I just didn’t notice if he left…” She tired to sound hopeful.

Princess Celestia was deep in thought as she nodded passively to the conversation, but quickly turns to a guard, who stiffens at her intense look. Although it was not directed to him on purpose. “Let my sister know an emergency requires our attention.”

“Y-yes ma’am.”

And then she continues to stare at the crater that was left of Twilight’s home. Magic was not the source…

There was a buzz in the air around it—maybe the right word was static. Similar to what might happen if a casted spell was powerful enough to leave errant energy in the air or earth. But it wasn’t leftover magic. There wasn’t even a drop of it emanating from the disturbed soil.

So, Celestia tries her spell again.

And it simply dissipates as soon as it gets near.


“This is the greatest day of my life!”

“You’ve been alive for like, five minutes.” Anon hisses. Desperately fighting off wave after wave of disgust, as Bartholomew sat on his shoulder like the world’s largest parrot. If that parrot had far too many legs and had fangs that could tear out his jugular. “Betty, why can’t he just walk?” He whines.

“HE LIKES YOU. AND MY NAME IS BETTY. THE VERY BEST, BETTY.”

Anon bites his lip. ‘Well I don’t like him.’ Is what he has to choke down. He groans instead. “Can I please just call you Betty?”

Betty hisses. “WHY? DO YOU MEAN TO… DISRESPECT ME?”

“No! No, er…” Anon’s brain freezes. “It’s just that friends tend to give each other nicknames, which can also just be shortened versions of a full name. Like how my name is Anonymous but I let you call me Anon.”

Betty pauses at that.

“We’re friends? I’ve never had a friend!” Bartholomew buzzes with excitement. “Does that mean I get to have a short name too?! Does that mean I’m Barth?!”

“Uh…”

“YIPPIE! I am BARTH, short for Bartholomew, friend of Anon; short for Anonymous! This is the greatest day of all days, this is almost as great as when mama named me!” The little spider is practically hoping up and down on Anon’s shoulder now.

“Uh… how about I just call you Mew instead?”

‘Mew’ practical vibrates at that. ”Mew… I am MEW! Mew is now Bartholomew’s nickname!”

“YOU’VE MADE MY LITTLE MEW HAPPY.” Betty clicks her mandibles in approval. “WE ARE FRIENDS NOW, ANON.”

“…ok.”

“HAZZUH, I SAY. HUZZAH!”

”Yippie, I say. Yippie!”

“By God I’ve no idea what the fuck is happening.”

Author's Note:

Mew is innocent, Mew is pure. However he is at the mercy of the readers at home. And they can be very cruel and unusual.