Stranger than Animated Fiction

by Citpo

Chapter 1: Surely You Can't be Serious?

Author's Notes: Thoughts made by your brain are in blue. By the way while I'm at it, I apologize for the kinda-sorta-maybe long wait for this chapter. I had the chapter written up and ready but as I read more and more I made the decision it was a poor excuse for a chapter and so I started again.

You take off your headphones and let them rest on your neck as you turn around to find a female orange equine locked in a gaze with you with her gleaming, green irises. She stood at head level with you but then again, you haven’t stood up yet and you hopefully intend to keep it that way least you want to test your ability to walk whilst waking up from inebriation. You suddenly fire back a question to prolong said beating.

"What am I?" You say with slight malice. "I could say the same for you."

"Y- Ye speak Equestrian?" The Texan mare-ranger said with surprise.

You clear your throat and put on the best posh accent you can muster, which ended up three quarters a British accent.

"Why I most certainly do not speak Equestrian!" You say in an uptight manner "I am speaking the language of the English, the language of our Mother, the Queen of England."

She chuckled at your vocal theatrics as she seemed to lower your guard. "Well ya seem friendly enough," the mare starts,
"The name's Applejack and yer in Sweet Apple Acres, the best farm for apples in all of Equestria!"

Your mind relayed a few scenarios when she mentioned apples, such as the mare standing over you whilst jamming an apple in your mouth followed by "How do you like them apples?!" as she pointed with her hand... hoof?

Don't ask, I don't even know myself.

"Alright Miss Texan Ranger," You finally reply in your normal voice as you attempt to get to your feet, "To answer your question from before I am a homo sapien or human if you don't want the fancy version. My business here is unknown at this moment and that my name- OOOHF!"

You are suddenly cut off by what feels like the equivalent of being hit by a motorbike were it not the smell of mixed berries embracing your sense of smell.

Screw physics so bad... The law of physics can honestly kiss my ass right now...

You really hated the whole mass multiplied by speed thing as you turn your head to find that you've slid at least 10 metres west-bound along with the new found company of a cyan pony with a multi-coloured mane, whose eyes were swirling about like that which is found in a cartoon. You tried to get your bearings as you heard Applejack shout somewhere nearby.

"Rainbow Dash!" She yells in frustration, "What in tarnation are ya doin'?!"

"Don't worry Applejack, " The rainbow-hued pony replies with pride, "I stopped this guy from harming you."

"What do ye mean harm," Applejack replies, "He wasn't harmin' anypony."

"Hey for all you know he could've come from Everfree Forest. I'm just looking out for you."

"Ummm..." You say feebly in an attempt to stop the bickering between the two, "I don't know if it applies in Ecuador but talking about someone in front of that person you're talking about is rather rude."

"Equestria." Applejack corrects you.

"Woah woah woah," Rainbow Dash says whilst putting her hooves(?) in front of her, "You speak Equestrian?!"

"It's English, little filly." You correct her despite knowing it was wrong. Hey, it was reflex.

How do you know it's a her?

Well we can only hope our assumption is correct and asking bluntly is rude.

But what if you're wrong? Remember the last time you made an assumption on those two girls?

Shut up Brain, if she dressed so much like a guy then why couldn't she be lesbian?

"This looks like trouble," Rainbow Dash suddenly concurs, " I'll go get the other Elements and bring them here ASAP. Keep him under guard Applejack."

"Trouble?" Applejack says questionly, "Now hold a darn sec-"

It was too late, however, as Rainbow Dash soon took to the skies, leaving behind a rainbow smear.

Where's the fucken pot of gold?

Shut up, I'm pretty damn sure she wasn't no leprechaun.

Your stomach suddenly grumbles as you sheepishly grin at Applejack. "Looks like I haven't had breakfast yet." You state, "Care to help me with my predicament?"

"Sure thing mister Oof," Applejack holds the word as she motions for you to fill in the blank.

"My name's not Oof," You say as she then gives you a helping hoof, which you gratefully decline due to your present finding of you being double her height, "It's Phil."

You then walk with each other through the fields of Sweet Apple Acres as she tells you the history of the place, such as how the Apple family was the first family in the town which was known as Ponyville along with a very long and very detailed explanation of apples and the Apples and its extensive family relatives as you pulled your headphones over your ears to Tenacious D - Low Hangin' Fruit to yourself.

Inbreds.

C'mon Brain, that's just low.

You were thinking it too.

Of course I was, because I'm you.

"Now yer gonna hafta stay in the barn so ya'll don't upset my folks." Applejack says sternly, "But 'fore I grab you something ta chow down on why don't ye tell me how ya ended up in Equestria. Ain't ever seen yer folk 'round here before no sirree. Not even in the Everfree Forest and lemme be honest with ya, there's a mighty fine selection of weird critters in there."

"Well I won't go into too much detail," You start off as you two enter the barn, "But I'll tell you the vitals: I had just finished drinking my fill of liquor at my local pub and walked into a park slightly inebriated that I remembered from my childhood. I fell asleep after walking through Nostalgia Lane and ended up on your farm."

"Surely ya can't be serious." Applejack says in slight disbelief.

"Oh I'm serious." You say with a stern voice, "And don't call me Shirley."

Applejack looks you dead in the eye with confusion, but quickly dismissing your reference from 'Flying High!' as she replies with, "Alright ah believe ye. Ya seem honest enough. Ah'll go get ya yer chow 'fore you starve some more."

"Oh please," You say sarcastically, "Take all the time you need darling."

"Hmm, ya sound a mighty bunch like mah friend Rarity." Applejack says with intrigue.

"Food now. Talk later Applejack." You say jokingly as she walks out from the barn doors.

"Ah'll be five minutes, sugar cube" She replies before heading out, "You'll be fine till then."

"Before you go," you say, "What's with the funky picture on your...derriere?"

"Checkin' mah flank already and ye haven't even taken me ta out fer dinner," she says teasingly, "How rude of ya. These 'pictures' as ya say are actually 'Cutie Marks' and define what we're darn good at."

She's right, what could possibly go wrong while she's gone?

You turn up the volume on your I-Pod as you slowly fighting off what could possibly be considered a miniature coma. You walk up to a nearby hay stack and close your eyes as you take a seat and you lean on it for support. However, you were completely oblivious to the bright flash of purple and pink somewhere in the distance. The flash soon cleared and revealed two unicorns, two pegasi and one very ecstatic earth pony.

Comments

[Citpo]

New chapter out. Please enjoy and give me feedback of possible. I always revisit old work and update it if i don't like it/feedback

[DaemoN67]

I wouldn't be wasting those batteries in the mp3 player. Electricity may be hard to come by in Equestria!
As for the story, I didn't notice any grammatical errors whilst reading through, which is good :)
Look forward to the next chapter, and good luck writing it.

[Aevus]

A ton better than most of the FICs I write, good work!

[Citpo]

1449882

don't worry i got it sorted.... Oh fuck no i don't!!!! Don't worry though i got ot under control and thanks you kindly

1449923

Really? You write good stories too though.

[Aevus]

1450955

Oh yeah, this fic is at least ten times better in my opinion.

[Citpo]

1450977

oh you stahp you're making me blush.

[Liquidfirest0rm]

Nice work so far.

[Citpo]

1457904

thanks for that. Now i have motivation to wrote another chapter.

[Teslakana]

1458870 please do!