Honeymoon Phase

by UnknownError

Celestia and the Breakfast of Champions

“Princess Celestia?” Jungle Trek asked. “I’m sorry for getting you into this mess.” He tapped his hooves together as Celestia opened her eyes. The earth pony looked apologetic; ears pressed into his wavy mane.

“I got us into this mess,” Celestia sighed. She nudged her empty plate away, then cut herself another slice of toast. The bread was cold. There was nothing worse in the world than cold toast, but she dipped it into her butter bowl regardless.

Jungle Trek sipped the last of the pineapple juice through the bendy straw. It made a slurping sound. He laughed a touch shrilly and set it down again. “Don’t wanna argue with a Princess.”

“Truly, a happy marriage,” Celestia deadpanned.

Jungle Trek snorted in laughter.

Celestia copied him, undignified as it was. She moved the copy of the treaty aside, shuffling it under the brochure for Seaward Shoals. A folder of alimony papers awaited, mostly pre-filled out by her little bureaucratic ponies.

Do it properly, Celestia. The alicorn breathed in, then sat up straight in her chair. The wedding ring sat on the table before her, half-covered in bread crumbs.

“We will proceed with a no-fault divorce,” Celestia announced. Even though it is my fault.

Prince Jungle Trek nodded. He bit a slice of toast to prevent any reply.

“These papers will mean we are no longer married. We will announce it to the reporters gathering outside, and I will field questions. You may have to answer several, so Raven will coach you before your appearance.”

Jungle Trek chewed.

A flaming ball of newspapers crashed against one of the stained-glass windows. Celestia turned to watch it slide off the enchanted glass. I bet that’s from the Manehattan Monthly. Be like them to build a trebuchet.

She regarded Jungle Trek again. “On second thought, do you wish to make a public appearance?”

“No,” he said without thinking about it. “S-sorry, Princess.”

The papers will have a field day with that. “Very well,” she shrugged a wing. It brushed against her braided mane. Celestia flicked her ears and felt the mass of hair weighing her head down. I could deflect questions with the new look.

Princess Celestia pushed the alimony papers forward with a hoof. “We’ll sign and finalize the divorce. For your…” she hesitated, “for the emotional distress and continuing support of your mapmaking, you’ll be given alimony.”

Jungle Trek glanced down at the papers and winced. “Uh, what?”

Parents must’ve had a loving marriage. “You get money,” Celestia simplified. “I make more money than you.”

Jungle Trek blinked. “You get paid?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Celestia asked. Her muzzle scrunched. “Goodness, do ponies think I do this for free?”

“I mean, you’re a Princess, so…” Jungle Trek waved a hoof. “I dunno, guess I thought that was the payment.”

Celestia laughed, a genuine bray that was deeper than it should be. “No, I made that deal long, long ago. I get paid.”

“Oh, good,” Jungle Trek sighed happily. “I was worried about taking tax money, but if this is coming out of some personal account I guess it’s okay.”

Celestia stopped laughing. She moved papers aside with a hoof, looking for the number. She found it.

It was a very high number.

Annually for the rest of her husband’s life.

It came from her personal funds.

Luna. Celestia took a deep, deep breath. Her headache resurged with a vengeance. Let it go. “Well, you won’t have to worry about your job,” she said aloud.

“Huh?” Jungle Trek asked. He slowly read through the papers, eyes skipping around. “I dunno, I really like, uh, maps. I’d like to keep doing that.”

Celestia’s ears flicked. “That’s commendable, my little pony. Too many ponies let wealth get in the way of their special talents.”

Jungle Trek apparently reached the number, because his eyes widened at the zeros. “Uh, yeah,” he squeaked, “but, you know, I might need a little break. Get away from all the excitement.”

“The southeast is lovely for that,” Celestia agreed. “And not well mapped.”

“Yeah, lots of ruins and old roads. Forgotten tribes.” Jungle set his copy down, hooves shaking. His blue coat had a slight froth under dilated eyes.

“You’re going to stain the tuxedo,” Celestia warned.

“I’m pretty sure I can buy the tuxedo and the store I rented it from,” he returned. “T-that sounds like a plan. I like the southeast.”

“So do I,” Celestia replied. “I haven’t been back in years.” She looked down at the brochure for a cheery, happy, safe Seaward Shoals.

And Huitzy had a very mad idea.

She set her head on an upturned hoof, leaning on the table. Jungle Trek sat back at the sudden movement. Even slumped, the alicorn towered over him. “Say, you spent a lot of time in the southeast, yes?”

“Yes…” Jungle Trek allowed. “I was, uh, born there.”

“So was I,” the alicorn grinned. “You think you mapped my home?”

Jungle Trek took another bite of toast and squeaked.

“I was planning on retiring soon,” the alicorn admitted. “That’s partially why I got so drunk at the damn Gala. I’m bored of it.” She waved her other hoof around, golden horseshoe catching the light. “Bored of the whole thing, really.”

Her heavy pink tail swished against the floor. “Princess Twilight can keep up with all the technology, all the magic, everything far better than I ever could. Why’d you approach me with all those corny jokes?”

Jungle Trek choked on his toast. He thumped a hoof on his tuxedo, smearing it with crumbs. “W-well, I-I never went to the Gala before, a-and it just seemed like I’d never get an o-opportunity again.”

“Am I too old for your tastes?”

The earth pony made a heroic attempt to swallow his tongue. “N-no, b-but…”

She waited.

“You’re very pretty,” Jungle Trek said in a high-pitched voice.

“And you’re my type,” the alicorn admitted brazenly. “It’s been a long, long time since I’ve been involved with anyone.”

“Anypony?” Jungle Trek corrected with pinned ears.

She winked.

“So!” the alicorn slammed her hoof on the table. Jungle Trek jumped. “I can go out there and announce our divorce…or I can go out there and announce my retirement.”

It took the earth pony several moments. “Are you asking me what to do?”

“Yes, my Prince,” she chuckled. “You won’t be Prince for very long regardless, I’m afraid, but perhaps we can get to know each other over a jungle cruise.”

Prince Jungle Trek’s muzzle twisted. “Like a honeymoon?”

The alicorn’s confidence drained at the look of bafflement on her would-be husband’s muzzle. “Y-yes,” Celestia said lamely. “I-if you’d l-like to do that. Or you can sign and take the money and go.”

He peered at the papers.

“I already forced you into a marriage,” Celestia winced. “Shouldn’t force you into a honeymoon too.” She slumped down to the table. “I’m sorry. I just...it's been a long time since I've had any adventure in my life.”

Jungle Trek bit his lip, staring between his pith helmet, the papers, and the half-eaten loaf of cold toast. “This has been the weirdest day of my life, and that counts the time the giant snake ate all the ration boxes and I had to wrestle it.”

Celestia was quiet. “I understand.”

“Shit,” Jungle Trek cursed with a laugh. “I kinda like weird. You know what, let’s—”

Two doors opened. Behind Celestia, the kitchen door opened with Raven, Nocturne, and Long Spear. Rampart’s bellows at the chefs for more pies followed them into the dining room.

On the other side of the room, the chief archivist for the Royal Vault burst in with the Captain of the Royal Guard. Rare Archive and Flash Sentry were out of breath, and Flash was covered in ink. Both ponies preformed a skidding bow to the Princess.

“I take it the reporters have breached the walls?” Celestia guessed. “Archive, I may have broken a priceless vase earlier. And vomited on a tapestry.”

“There’s been a theft,” Rare Archive panted, clearly not hearing what the Princess just said. “Last night, somepony breached the Royal Vault during the party.”

Celestia groaned. “I’m sure Twilight and the others will return whatever they—”

“Princess, she wasn’t at the Gala,” Raven said behind the chair. Her faithful secretary trotted around the table, flipping through a guest list. Celestia twisted to see Seargeant Nocturne and Corporal Long Spear slowly circling the table.

They were glaring at the Prince.

“Furthermore,” Raven nickered, “no members of the Cartographer’s Society were invited to the Gala, not after they insulted Luna over the star charts last year.”

Jungle Trek sank into his chair. “Actually, on second thought I might just sign and take the money please thanks—” Raven yanked the alimony papers off the table with a flash of her horn. The earth pony squeaked in dismay.

“The Gala is also open to the public,” Celestia stated. She eyed the frowns along the room. “What was taken from the vault?”

“One artifact,” Archive sighed. “We only realized the magical wards had been breached late this morning, then had to check the catalogue. They broke into the high-security section.”

“I ward that myself,” Celestia frowned.

“At least two unicorns and a pegasus,” Flash panted. “I can’t spare guards to trace the spellwork yet. The siege tower is at the front gate. Equestria Daily and Hoofington News Network have allied to scale the walls.”

“What was taken?” Celestia repeated.

Rare Archive squinted and ruffled through his folder held aloft by his horn. “Just the…Amulet of Sunny Days? It’s a low-level artifact. I was sure it was miscatalogued as high-risk. I’ve never even heard of the thing before now.” He looked up to Celestia. “If this is a minotaur artifact, this could be a plot to ruin relations between our races.”

“We can write to the Elements to track it down,” Flash suggested.

“Oh, sweet Celestia,” Raven breathed. “Princess Twilight doesn’t know yet about the marriage.”

“You’re sure?” Flash’s ears twitched.

“She hasn’t teleported here in a blind panic,” Raven answered.

Flash accepted that reasoning with a nod. “We need to get this situation under control.”

Celestia drained the last of her pineapple juice. She belched into a hoof.

The room stopped to stare at her. But Celestia only stared at the shrinking earth pony across from her. Jungle Trek tried to vanish under the table. She forced herself to think past her headache.

“What time was the break-in?” Celestia asked in a dry voice.

“About two, we think,” Archive offered.

She was on her seventeenth cocktail and an earth pony in a poorly-fitting tuxedo…

…you were married under the light of my moon at 2:43 AM.

“Were you here with the Cartographical Society of Canterlot?”

Jungle Trek still looked down at the pottery with flicking ears.

“What caught your eye?”

“Still have the amulet he gave me in storage somewhere.”

The Prince laughed slightly shrilly. “…Really?”

Celestia actually liked the look. It was roguish, proper for a mercenary.

…you absolute fucking idiot, Huitzy.

“My little pony,” Celestia began in a rumble, “is there something you’d like to tell me?”

Only Jungle Trek’s eyes peeked out from his side of the table. The stallion had fully slid out of his chair, leaving the wedding ring and pith helmet behind. Nocturne and Long Spear halted beside the chair, glowering.

“If I asked Map Quest if a pony matching your mark and description was employed by the Cartographer’s Society, what would he say?” Celestia asked aloud. Her bloodshot eyes felt dry.

“No,” Jungle Trek answered. “I’m not very memorable.”

Celestia jerked her head to the two guards. The motion made her headache intensify. “Back away, gentlestallions.”

They did so.

“So?” Celestia asked again. “Don’t keep secrets, my husband. Hardly a healthy relationship.” The ponies in the room shared uncomfortable glances at her mocking tone.

“I was just supposed to distract you while they breached the wards,” Jungle Trek whickered with a stutter. “I had to pay for the stupid tux and Swift Wind hopped me over the hedge.”

“Is that the pegasus?” Flash asked. “We found a few ropes.”

“That’s her name.”

“Is Jungle Trek even your real name?”

“Yes?” Jungle Trek confirmed.

Flash slammed a hoof into his muzzle. “You used your real name for this?”

“S-somepony wanted the amulet!” Jungle Trek wailed. “They just h-hired us!”

“You needn’t have bothered,” Celestia snorted. “I was drunk; I wouldn’t have noticed.”

“I was drunk!” Jungle countered. “I was nervous! Everypony kept giving me cocktails!”

“There’s far worse things to steal,” Rare Archive commented. “Maybe some solar cultist wanted one of your old amulets?”

“That’s still bad,” Raven answered.

More likely they knew what it actually was…Celestia refocused. “Who was the buyer?”

“I don’t know,” Jungle Trek pleaded. “I was just supposed to say a few corny jokes and then wander back to the hedgerows to get out.”

Long Spear laughed. “They left you there! You were just a distraction!”

“No!” Jungle Trek snorted. “We were gonna meet up afterwards.”

Flash’s ears perked. “Where?”

“They were gonna tell me when Swift Wind picked me up.”

“Distraction,” Raven nodded.

Jungle Trek thought about it. His eyes scrunched. “Aw, damn it.”

“Language,” Nocturne hissed. “You’re in enough trouble.”

“Have you heard the Princess!? She’s been swearing all morning!”

“Enough,” Celestia huffed. “What were the names of the unicorns?”

“Mystic Might and, uh, Enigma.”

“One of you was more careful than the others,” Celestia deadpanned. “I take it ‘Enigma’ was the ringleader?”

Jungle Trek winced. “Yes.”

Her voice hardened. “Do you know what the amulet actually was?”

The room shared more looks. “Uh, Princess?” Rare Archive asked. “Is the Amulet of Sunny Days not…” he trailed off at her bloodshot side-eye.

“E-enigma said it was an artifact of immense power,” Jungle Trek shuffled further under the table to the point only his mane was visible. “She said she could hold the power of the sun in her hooves.”

“Wait,” Long Spear frowned, “was everypony a mare except you?”

“Yes?”

"And they sent you to distract the Princess?"

"...yes?"

Celestia sighed. “Come out from under the table.”

The Prince of Equestria did so, looking only slightly less pathetic than Blueblood. His sleeves unrolled again and he slipped on one. “I’m sorry. I-it was a l-lot of bits.”

“That’s no excuse, criminal scum,” Flash spat. He raised his wings. “You’ve incited a riot outside!”

Jungle Trek’s muzzle twisted. “It wasn’t my idea to get married!”

Celestia shut her eyes to the argument. “Does this annul the marriage?” she asked out of the side of her muzzle to Raven.

“Unfortunately, no, Princess,” the secretary observed. “It’s an insult to the Moonspeakers.” Another ball of newspapers crashed against a window. Neighing could be heard through the glass. “We'll, uh, deal with it?”

“Aw, geez,” Flash huffed. “I gotta get back out there. Sergeant Nocturne, you have command. Corporal Long Spear, assist him.” Hooves pounded on the floor.

“I suppose I can’t claim diplomatic immunity as a Prince?” Jungle Trek asked with a squeaky voice.

“You’ll be lucky to claim a pillow in jail,” Long Spear snorted.

Celestia opened her eyes and stared down at the brochure for Seaward Shoals. Okay, Jungle assists with locating his partners. Twilight and the others get the amulet. I deal with the press.

After glancing at the wedding band, she imagined Twilight’s mane curling in every possible direction. No, no Twilight. Cool down the press, then have the guards search Canterlot. The chaos from everything probably kept them in the city.

“Princess,” Nocturne requested, “what are your orders?”

Celestia’s tiara sat poorly on her physical pink mane. The braided hair bumped into the crown. She pulled in a deep breath. Tell the press it’s my fault. I married a criminal in a drunken binge because I hate being a Princess. Let them freeze and panic and neigh in dismay.

“Look, just sign the papers and we’ll work something out with the charges,” Raven offered. The unicorn tossed her head. “This is ridiculous.”

“Wait…” Jungle Trek paused. “I still get money for this?”

Raven sighed. "Unfortunately, yes. The marriage wasn't part of the scheme, clearly."

This is the right thing to do, Celestia told herself. Raven, Rare Archive, Nocturne, and Long Spear stared at Jungle Trek standing across from the Princess. He clutched his pith helmet like an emotional support toy. This is Equestria. This is a better place.

“Unbelievable,” Nocturne scoffed.

“Well, it was her idea to get married,” Jungle Trek shrugged a hoof.

Huitzilopochtli looked up from the brochure for Seaward Shoals. Her horn glowed.

Comments

[StarzGecko]

Feels like Celestia wants to get out of the Princess life. I didn’t expect the reason why Jungle was there because he was meant to distract her but ended up getting married instead

Also, for it to be her idea… I have to wonder she longs for not just a husband but a pony she would relate to because he lives where her homeland was at. Actually… I won’t be surprise if Celestia just bucks out of Canterlot with her husband and just go off on adventure finding that missing artifact while fighting the evil ponies who stole it.

While Twilight has to clean the mess up back home

No wait… those news ponies will chase them across the world 🌎

[duckmagee]

Well they definitely got their money worth out of his distraction

[N4rwh41]

Huiztilopotchli bout to live up to her namesake! She gonna go full Conqn on their butts! DO IT FOR CROM!

[N4rwh41]

“What time was the break-in?” Celestia asked in a dry voice.

“About two, we think,” Archive offered.

She was on her seventeenth cocktail and an earth pony in a poorly-fitting tuxedo…

…you were married under the light of my moon at 2:43 AM.

I just realized, Celestia wanted to.marry this man just slightly less than 45 minutes after meeting him. You go girl!

[Fireeaters]

Well, shit. Nearly got the happy marriage ending, but looks like that's boned