Stranded

by Samthelegoman

Day 1- stranded

I have no idea what happened, last I remember, I was in bed back at my house like any other normal day, then I wake up with sand in my face and the smell of salt water. I was on a beach. I was on an island. I looked around to see fog everywhere, it hung low and added to the creepy effect.

My first reaction, naturally, was call out if I was alone, or just dreaming some crazy dream. I saw I wasn't alone. Rarity got up and started screaming,"Where am I? What happened?" Then Rainbow Dash was found up in a tree, I woke her up and she started asking the same question, "where am I? Where are we?" Eventually we found Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Fluttershy on the other side of the island. we all had a conversation on how we got here. We looked around for evidence, and found nothing.

Eventually we looked around the island for hours, Applejack then said we needed to eat. That was the problem, there were a few coconut trees and a few banana trees on the shore, which was no problem getting down, thanks to Applejack, who kicked the tree to get them down. The bananas tasted bitter and revolting, and the coconuts were hard to get open, Pinkie spent at least an hour trying to break one, Dash even flew up really high and dropped it, but nothing happened, it just bounced off a rock undamaged.

Applejack made a spear out of a stick, and the rest of us did too and tried to fish, they make it look easy in the movies and TV shows but it was hard work, we were lucky to get a small fish and that was it. We knew with common sense, that water wasn't safe to drink, due to being saltwater. But hope prevailed, Dash found a small lake deep in the jungle. I was a little skeptical that it was safe to drink, it looked filthy. It was brown and green, Dash, didn't believe me and took a big gulp from the lake. Then Pinkie and Rarity drank out of it too.

It was almost nighttime when we found a small chest on the shore we awoke on. This is were I got the notebook and pen, the others thought it was useless. I knew I had to keep notes on this situation developing. In the chest were bottles of water, three cans ofcanned corn, three cans of canned peaches, a flashlight, extra pens, a signal flare, a compass, two 18-inch survival knife, a fishing net, a Semiautomatic 9mm pistol with some spare rounds and clips, and a note. I grabbed the note and read it aloud, It said:

Hello, this is a social experiment, We chose you six because you are all close friends, we wanted to see how you would behave if you were stuck on this island for months on end. This is a game with NO RULES. Eventually, you will all go crazy and insane, and possibly, only one will survive. If that does happen, you will be rewarded

It ended there, Applejack then found some matches at the bottom of the chest, and we lit a fire that evening on the beach. We ate the canned corn and peaches, along with the bananas. applejack, was able to crack open a coconut and get some of the water out of it. while we ate, we got to tell some stories, and laugh and have a good time, forgetting we were stuck on an island. The gentle waves smashed into the beach as we laughed throughout the night.

After our meal, we had to make a small camp, we got some sticks, and made a small hut, close to the campfire. I fell asleep for a while, but around midnight, I heard moaning, it continually got louder and louder, I got up and went to the source of the moaning, it was Dash, she was grabbing her stomach, and the smell of fresh vomit filled the air. She was sick, at first, from what? Then I realized, it was the lake water that made her sick, she went to the beach and vomited some more. she started to lose her balance, and I helped her back to her hut and then more moans. Pinkie and Rarity started to have side effects of the water also, both were also grabbing their stomachs. I Felt Dash's head, it was hot, she had a fever and she was starting to shiver uncontrollably. Pinkie and Rarity, weren't doing as bad, maybe because they took a small drink, compared to Dash's gulping. But they had fevers also, but not as bad as Dash's. I helped them and gave them water from the bottles an assured them they would be fine and will live. I didn't have much experience with waterborne sicknesses,

That is what happened on the first day we were stuck on the island, tomorrow, we will try to explore it a little more. So far, there is a small mountain, that Dash keeps saying is a volcano. The center surrounding the mountain is heavily forested, a small river leads into the center of the island and the lake isn't too far from the river. and and another island is visible from here and not too far away. It looks abandoned and desolate also. We all agreed to search it when we get the chance. Now I need to hide this notebook from the others, they are starting to go insane.

Twilight Sparkle. Day 1

Comments

[cloudmaan24]

Um, this is ok, but it needs longer chapters and it seemed that you definitely rushed it.

[Cunt_Crusader]

Wow. 1 day and they're going insane? And what's with them eating fish? Ponies are herbivores!

[MrMusicalPony]

Hi! I'm a random reviewer and pre-reader! Ready for some constructive criticism? ALRIGHT!
'I was on a beach. I was on an island.' Choose one. I understand that the narrator is realizing first it's a beach, then realizes it's an island, but it's just... odd.
Remember to ALWAYS start a new paragraph when a person starts talking, then another for when another character starts talking.
'The bananas tasted bitter and revolting, and the coconuts were hard to get open, Pinkie spent at least an hour trying to break one, Dash even flew up really high and dropped it, but nothing happened, it just bounced off a rock undamaged.' This is a run on sentence. It can be separated into either into two sentences if you make sure to add a few words that make them independent, or you can use a semicolon.
I stopped at the note however, because through reading and editing, the story is just going too fast and there is no real reason behind the entire plot. You have a LOT of run on sentences as well.
The story is interesting, but the way you're going about it is a bit weird; like Crown said, they're already going insane? It stretches the readers belief and it simply makes it look like you're making them go insane quickly to advance the story. Add some either reasoning or more development.
3.5

[Mobius of the Moon]

90071
I... I have never heard such good criticism. I would like you to review my first and second chapters of my story when chapter 2 is up, because I would like someone to tell me what I could do better.

[MrMusicalPony]

90102

If you appreciate the criticism, of course I will! It's what I'm here for. Tracking