i build lego mostly, fanfic writer noob.
Something is wrong, the mane six are stuck on an island, as if put there. An unknown, "MASTER" has deserted them there for a social experiment. Now its everypony for themselves. However they must act quick to get off the island, before they develop island fever or insanity ensues and devours them.
Page generated in 0.09 seconds
Total duration
902 users online
576,354 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Um, this is ok, but it needs longer chapters and it seemed that you definitely rushed it.
Wow. 1 day and they're going insane? And what's with them eating fish? Ponies are herbivores!
Hi! I'm a random reviewer and pre-reader! Ready for some constructive criticism? ALRIGHT!
'I was on a beach. I was on an island.' Choose one. I understand that the narrator is realizing first it's a beach, then realizes it's an island, but it's just... odd.
Remember to ALWAYS start a new paragraph when a person starts talking, then another for when another character starts talking.
'The bananas tasted bitter and revolting, and the coconuts were hard to get open, Pinkie spent at least an hour trying to break one, Dash even flew up really high and dropped it, but nothing happened, it just bounced off a rock undamaged.' This is a run on sentence. It can be separated into either into two sentences if you make sure to add a few words that make them independent, or you can use a semicolon.
I stopped at the note however, because through reading and editing, the story is just going too fast and there is no real reason behind the entire plot. You have a LOT of run on sentences as well.
The story is interesting, but the way you're going about it is a bit weird; like Crown said, they're already going insane? It stretches the readers belief and it simply makes it look like you're making them go insane quickly to advance the story. Add some either reasoning or more development.
3.5
90071
I would like you to review my first and second chapters of my story when chapter 2 is up, because I would like someone to tell me what I could do better.
I... I have never heard such good criticism.
90102
If you appreciate the criticism, of course I will! It's what I'm here for. Tracking
This has an interesting concept, yes, but... it's much too rushed and choppy. The first day, they were apparently starting to go insane, which suddenly is completely nulled in Chapter 2?... Twilight Sparkle was being a greedy flankhole with that note, Rainbow Dash was sick with some unknown Jungle Fever, and Pinkie and Rarity were under the weather; there is no suspense, no build-up, no... character. There is nothing that preludes a possible ailment. It simply happened. Just like the huts in Chapter 2: where did they come from? How long did it take? Were there any precautions taken, or was there damages and setbacks?
Another thing is the characterization and usage of the ponies as a whole. Ponies are herbivores, why would they eat fish, an obviously carnivorous food source? Fluttershy so far has done absolutely nothing but say one line and stare out at a secondary background island. Applejack is simply cooking what seemed to be random bananas and peaches that appeared out of nowhere. Rainbow Dash is simply being a sick, lonesome pony. This isn't like her at all. She, if anything, would be attempting to fight against the help of the rest and saying she's fine despite her condition. Rarity has yet to do anything at all but be under the weather, same with Pinkie from what I've observed. Twilight Sparkle isn't doing anything notable (punny!) except write in a... note? diary? Not sure what it is at this point.
All in all I don't think you thought too long about this at all, it looks like something you wrote down in 3 minutes during a school day out of boredom. I don't mean to be mean, but it's true. There is... no backstory, no detail, no description... we cannot envision anything because it is too fast-paced and jittery. Sorry, but I have to give this a 1-star out of account of it being way too underdeveloped and rushed. If I were you I'd redo the entire thing to save time and trouble.
Just being a critic.
FlutterDash did more criticism than I can provide,
but here I go anyways!
As far as literary elements, I don't see a lot wrong, except for the obvious lack of pressing enter when a new character speaks! Plus a few other small things which I'll pick out.
'its probably about a mile or two' Watch out! You forgot to make 'Its' a contraction! 'Its' is a possessive pronoun. This suggest some weird whatever possess miles; now what actually POSSES miles? 'It's' will fix that right up!
'The food was the same as last time, corn, peaches, and now, some nuts. Peanuts and almonds to be precise.' Sentences as independent, and therefore if you look at the sentence alone it makes sense. 'Peanuts and almonds to be precise.' doesn't make sense on it's own. Let's just word it a bit differently! 'The food was the same as last time: corn, peaches, and now some nuts. The nuts were peanuts and almonds to be precise.' Or alternatively add a semicolon after nuts instead of a period. Be careful with semi-colons though, I may not even been using it right. They're to connect two sentences that are closely related to each other, but at the same time both sentences are supposed to be independent. It's subjective, but they're just suggestions.
If you follow some of the suggestions you can kink out other errors in the next paragraph. I don't do all the editing for you, unfortunately.
Time for the story review!
A lot of what I had to say was already said by FlutterDash, but I can offer some suggestions. You can hit two birds with one stone here. You can slow down a bit and explain how their insanity affected the characters to the point where they act as they do now. Maybe Fluttershy just lost it enough to believing that if she turned to face the others she'd burst into flames or some crap like that. Get creative, but at the same time you need to justify it, and have the characters act as they should. If Fluttershy was insane, she wouldn't act all fine around Twilight. SHE'D STAB HER WITH A KNIFE AND EAT OUT HER LIVER. If you want insanity, go read Cupcakes. (It bothers a lot of people, but I was like 'meh')
Why would they ask what was wrong with RD if it was obvious she was sick and throwing up? It's sort of like this. 'Doctor, what's wrong with the patient?' 'He seems fine to me!' -giant hole in stomach-
And obviously there's dinosaurs on the island that have hoofs. I mean, come on, who DIDN'T see that one coming? Well, actually, now that i think about it, if this is a day by day journal, then Twilight is still in the situation where they're not alone, therefore we can safely put that sentence in present tense to 'We aren't alone'.
3 this time, sorry mate.