So nitpicks first: One, the ending seemed very rushed. I was very, boom twilight did something stupid, then skip to Rarity being captured and turned, and then bam Twilight and Rarity are suddenly a couple, and finally Sweetie Belle just discovers the group and is like "I wanna be a vampony!".
I truly feel like the events with Rarity could have been used to lengthened the story and maybe even given its own story arc, starting from the capture that lead into the back-story of her captor and maybe even highlighted a deeper problem of how the vampires of old are an even bigger threat now that Lyra, BonBon and Twilight are vamponies themselves. As for the issue with Sweetie... I can't say much other then I don't buy her "I've wanted this since I've found out!". To accompany that note I would like just a little bit of exposition on how she found out. and that ends my nitpicking.
Other then the above I do like this story, the references were blatant but done well enough to give plausibility. The fleeing to another city was done nicely, and I guess I wanted to see a bit more on how Octy "Hunts the Hunter", Maybe a spin off on the life of Octavia as a vampony hunter and give more details on the death of her family. In the end it was a good story and I do look forward to seeing more from you
1380900 The ending was a bit rushed, I hit a wall in chapter 7. my muse left and no matter what I just could not get it to turn out the way I wanted. it was 3 am and I just wanted it to to be over and done with. I will go back and re-edit that chapter at some point soon.
thanks for the feedback. this is what I need to improve.
I loved it and understand the tidbit about My Roommate Is A Vampire by Dennis the Menace. That story was my first read a long long time ago. I loved your story and I personally think; as an author of seven novels awarded the Nobel Prize of Literature; you did an excellent job of writing this, but could use an editor/publisher.
this story was nice, it has a very vampire the masqarade feel to it too...which is one of my favorite games, though lyra and bon bon have a few edges over those vampires, and those vampires have a few edges over them in masqarade stakes do jack squat, garlic doesnt do shit either, geting stabed in the heart temporarily paralizes a vampire though, sunshine though yeah, poof and gone, decapitation, fire, exsangination [bleeding to death] or extream crushing trama to the skull are the only ways to kill a masqarade vampire other then sunlight...i think silver might hurt them still though, lyra and bon bons bigest plus though...they can still feel pleasure...masqarade vampires only feel pleasure from feeding, they feel no pleasure from any form of physical intimacy
9093110 I'm glad to see you liked it. World of Darkness and VTM were significant inspiration for parts of this story. As for Masquerade vampires not feeling pleasure...explain Jeanette. She very clearly still gets pleasure from physical sex, and can teach the player to do so as well.
So nitpicks first: One, the ending seemed very rushed. I was very, boom twilight did something stupid, then skip to Rarity being captured and turned, and then bam Twilight and Rarity are suddenly a couple, and finally Sweetie Belle just discovers the group and is like "I wanna be a vampony!".
I truly feel like the events with Rarity could have been used to lengthened the story and maybe even given its own story arc, starting from the capture that lead into the back-story of her captor and maybe even highlighted a deeper problem of how the vampires of old are an even bigger threat now that Lyra, BonBon and Twilight are vamponies themselves. As for the issue with Sweetie... I can't say much other then I don't buy her "I've wanted this since I've found out!". To accompany that note I would like just a little bit of exposition on how she found out. and that ends my nitpicking.
Other then the above I do like this story, the references were blatant but done well enough to give plausibility. The fleeing to another city was done nicely, and I guess I wanted to see a bit more on how Octy "Hunts the Hunter", Maybe a spin off on the life of Octavia as a vampony hunter and give more details on the death of her family. In the end it was a good story and I do look forward to seeing more from you
1380900 The ending was a bit rushed, I hit a wall in chapter 7. my muse left and no matter what I just could not get it to turn out the way I wanted. it was 3 am and I just wanted it to to be over and done with. I will go back and re-edit that chapter at some point soon.
thanks for the feedback. this is what I need to improve.
1381801 You are very welcome. As a fellow writer I want to help point stuff out that I think is out of place or could use a second look.
I loved it and understand the tidbit about My Roommate Is A Vampire by Dennis the Menace. That story was my first read a long long time ago.
I loved your story and I personally think; as an author of seven novels awarded the Nobel Prize of Literature; you did an excellent job of writing this, but could use an editor/publisher.
this story was nice, it has a very vampire the masqarade feel to it too...which is one of my favorite games, though lyra and bon bon have a few edges over those vampires, and those vampires have a few edges over them in masqarade stakes do jack squat, garlic doesnt do shit either, geting stabed in the heart temporarily paralizes a vampire though, sunshine though yeah, poof and gone, decapitation, fire, exsangination [bleeding to death] or extream crushing trama to the skull are the only ways to kill a masqarade vampire other then sunlight...i think silver might hurt them still though, lyra and bon bons bigest plus though...they can still feel pleasure...masqarade vampires only feel pleasure from feeding, they feel no pleasure from any form of physical intimacy
9093110
I'm glad to see you liked it. World of Darkness and VTM were significant inspiration for parts of this story.
As for Masquerade vampires not feeling pleasure...explain Jeanette. She very clearly still gets pleasure from physical sex, and can teach the player to do so as well.