- Member Since 6th Jan, 2012
- offline last seen Aug 15th, 2022
Fimbulvinter
Yea, I'm a writer and I occasionally freelance as an editor or collaborator.
Fimbulvinter
Joined 6th Jan, 2012 ·
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And, we're off.
Comence wild speculation regarding the identity of the assassin. (I think I dropped enough hints that it should be obvious)
Call out spelling or grammar errors. Only way I will learn.
The paragraph where DeVille explains the assassins needs speech marks at the start.
You know, fourth paragraph from the bottom. Didn't want to quote due to spoilers.
Was the only error I spotted. I like this.
Will favourite, but a like will come later.
I like the concept and will be watching for more.
>Random Rape dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Twilight_Sparkle.png
1353571 Fixed
Looking good, will keep my eye on this. .. and my wild speculation (if it's somepony we're supposed to know) would be Octavia images1.wikia.nocookie.net/callofduty4s/images/a/a9/Octavia.png
also at the end the Vampony referred to himself as a Vampyre, idk if both are interchangeable or whatnot
images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120612054105/tehkittycat/images/0/05/FluttershyWinkEmote.png
1353617 Vampyre is an archaic spelling refering to the condition itself, not who it had been applied to.
It is interchangable but dependent on context.
Another "my roommate is a vampire" knock off no? It seems that way but its different in its on way.
1354794 Not Really
If anything, this a knock off of 'The Vampony Chronicles' by SteampunkBrony with a dash of Balancers "A history of long nights and blood' thrown in.
While I enjoyed my roommate is a vampire, this story is not going to be based on it.
If I can do it right, this story will end up as Dracula meets True Blood meets VTM: Bloodlines
Sorry Lyra, you're bucked
nice, faved, more
Two mares on the run, and it looks like some one could use a touch of rum.
well deville got fucked its funny really:the guy has survived for thousand of years and then he mets 2 womans and they get him killed in 6 months
1363992 More is comming
1364124 Octavia prefers whisky to rum.
1364204 Women, you can't live with them and can't live without 'em.
aaaaand got you ^^ Nice chapter
1369876 Thank you for the feedback
In this chapter, I really wanted to drive home the idea that they are now vampires, and the that blood is central to everything they do. It is both their food and their aphrodisiac, and that when hungry, all other considerations fall second to sating their desire.
Well done good sir, well done.
1371341 Muchas Gracias Señor
That was....
O-O That is all.
1373710 I take it that was a good thing?
1373741 Eeyup.
twillight deserves the prize of retard of the millenium
1378776 She's got my vote.
1378776>>1378981 If Lesson Zero and Its About Time proved anything, it is that Twilight does not do well when under assignment presure.
For best effect, read Twilights inner voice in the style of GlaDOS. For Science, You Monster.
So nitpicks first: One, the ending seemed very rushed. I was very, boom twilight did something stupid, then skip to Rarity being captured and turned, and then bam Twilight and Rarity are suddenly a couple, and finally Sweetie Belle just discovers the group and is like "I wanna be a vampony!".
I truly feel like the events with Rarity could have been used to lengthened the story and maybe even given its own story arc, starting from the capture that lead into the back-story of her captor and maybe even highlighted a deeper problem of how the vampires of old are an even bigger threat now that Lyra, BonBon and Twilight are vamponies themselves. As for the issue with Sweetie... I can't say much other then I don't buy her "I've wanted this since I've found out!". To accompany that note I would like just a little bit of exposition on how she found out. and that ends my nitpicking.
Other then the above I do like this story, the references were blatant but done well enough to give plausibility. The fleeing to another city was done nicely, and I guess I wanted to see a bit more on how Octy "Hunts the Hunter", Maybe a spin off on the life of Octavia as a vampony hunter and give more details on the death of her family. In the end it was a good story and I do look forward to seeing more from you
1380900 The ending was a bit rushed, I hit a wall in chapter 7. my muse left and no matter what I just could not get it to turn out the way I wanted. it was 3 am and I just wanted it to to be over and done with. I will go back and re-edit that chapter at some point soon.
thanks for the feedback. this is what I need to improve.
1381801 You are very welcome. As a fellow writer I want to help point stuff out that I think is out of place or could use a second look.
here is a idea for a title"the melody of revenge"
1385392 Intriguing, I'll add it to the list of possibles.
...this story isnt bad, but the pacing needs a lot of work.
1387553 It is only my second story, still practicing.
I did try to pack a bit too much into it though.
I'll be doing one-shot stories for a while until I have more experience.
1388442 okeh.
Oh, I noticed a minor error here--
“Bon-Bon, I will need help with the draining”. Bon-Bon came over and joined me in the cage. I whispered over to her, just loud enough so that only she could hear me “Very slow, so sudden movements. Whatever you do, don’t loose control, please don’t loose control”. She nodded back.
"Loose" here should be replaced with "Lose".
"15 years later" being the beginning of the Epilogue, Sweetie later says "When I found out what you were 12 years ago..."
I don't know if that was a mistake of if you wanted to show the time difference-- the time between the incident with Rarity and when Sweetie found out. Just thought I should mention it, though. If anything it'll help me feel better knowing what happened there.
1604092 It was meant to be that Rarity had been a vampire for 3 years before Sweetie had found out. Long enough for her to have learned control
"the life of a silver Bow" rings nicely to me.
God damn, I really love this story. Was this ever in the Featured list?
2004582 Thanks for the kind word. Makes it all worthwhile
None of my stories have ever been featured.
What have read now has gone through multiple rounds of post publication editing. It was a garbled mess at first.
I will be returning to this series in the next few months.
What did you like about it specifically. I need to know what to try and carry over to a new narrative.
2004682 well, it was all very real. No holes were barred (or unexplored, if you catch my drift) in giving main characters heavy changes. Nowadays, a roundabout character would stay the same for an extreme amount of time, and they would never get injured, captured, the whole nine yards; too generic. Bon-Bon died in the third chapter..? BRILLIANT! A sudden turn of events (Twi turning, the teacher dieing, etc.) is something a lot of fictional stories, cover-bound or not, are lacking SEVERELY.
(Plus, major plot points were tied in with the surreal nature of the show itself, giving off a very believable 'dark side', so to speak.)
WOW ... JUST WOW........... This story was amazing.
2032836 Thanks, Glad you enjoyed it.
Check out Octavia's companion story if you haven't already The melody of Revenge
I'm working on the ideas for a sequel at the moment and will begin writing once my current round of stories are done.
You just made vampyres 20% cooler.
2039211 As I think I mentioned, I was getting fed up with stories of Vampires who don't want to act like it.
They can still eat food despite not having a fuctional digestive system, still need to breathe, only need tiny amounts of blood so they can still remain as good characters who don't kill.
I wanted a story where the vampires acted like vampires; they see the world as one large bloodbank.
I could have done a story where Lyra and Bon-Bon were tourtured souls trying to reconcile their damned nature with their desire to retain their former lives, but I thought 'No, screw that. They are Vampires now and they are going to enjoy it, all of it."
1347611
I don't really get the screaming part but I guess not all of us react the same way to all situations. This story is otherwise kinda good
To quote my favorite AI:
"That was... needlessly graphic"
Do you mean "the hunger inside you."
Do you mean "that your sex-life"
I think that if you were to "unponiefy" it that this could be one of those super selling novel/movie series.
This was very well done probably one of the best vamp flicks I've seen in years, especially when the vamps in the modern fiction are all emotional and sparkly.
There was one good albeit low budget movie "Vampire Diary" not "The Vampire Diaries" it is done in that "found footage, documentary" style but it worked.
2684045 Glad you enjoyed this. This was meant to be my attempt to reclaim the dignity of the traditional vampire away from the modern sparkly emos; to show Vampires who are at peace with their need to feed and enjoy themselves.
You may be interested to know that a full multi chapter sequel is in the works at the moment and will pick up directly from the events of this story.
2684056 I most certainly am going to wait for more and tomorrow I will read the 'Tavi' story.
If you are interested in a good vamp flick try to find "Vampire Diary".
2684075 Once you are done with 'Tavi's story, would you be interested in taking a look at the first couple of chapters for the sequel. I want to get some opinions before I get too far ahead.
Tugging at my undead heartstrings II - The Belle Tolls for Thee