Methane, She Pinkie

by Kris Overstreet

Chapter 4: the Genius

"Why yes, I know practically everything about chemistry," Twilight Sparkle said. She gestured to the walls and walls of books in the Castle of Friendship's library. "And anything I might have forgotten is in these books! What do you need to know?"

Pinkie Pie tried not to fidget on her hooves, which meant she fidgeted twice as hard. "Well," she said, "I've got this teensy weensy problem. A hypothetical problem," she added hurriedly, "and in no way related to anything in real life, okay?"

Rainbow Dash's snickering, Pinkie decided, was not helpful.

Twilight Sparkle looked baffled, but not suspicious, not yet. "O... kay?" she finally said. "What kind of problem?"

"Well, it's a food problem," Pinkie said. "Specifically, what to feed somepony with very special allergies."

Twilight looked even more confused at this. "Wouldn't you know this better than I would?" she asked. "I mean, you know how to make cakes and other party snacks for absolutely everyone in Ponyville, even those with allergies."

"Yeah, but these are really weird," Pinkie said. "Like I said, it's hypothetical. Totally."

"Yeah," Rainbow Dash agreed. "Totally." The barely stifled chuckle totally failed to sell it.

Now Twilight did look suspicious, but not at Pinkie. "Rainbow, did you put her up to this?"

"Oh, no no no," Rainbow Dash said, waving her hooves in negation. "This is all Pinkie. I'm just here to watch."

The deep sigh that followed was a familiar one, which Pinkie Pie had labeled Every pony in this town is STILL crazy but for some reason this does not include me even though it totally does. "All right," Twilight said, "what are the allergies?"

"Well," Pinkie drawled, realizing that no matter what she did the next words were going to sound loopy-doopty, "they're hypothetically allergic to oxygen."

Twilight's face took on the familiar Does Not Compute expression. "Oxygen?" she asked. "Allergic to oxygen??"

"Deathly allergic," Pinkie confirmed. "Hypothetically."

"But- but- the air's more than twenty percent oxygen!" Twilight waved her forehooves in consternation. "How does this hypothetical pony even breathe?"

Pinkie's mind jumped the tracks at this question. "Hey, that's right? I never asked! I mean, he did say-" She remembered herself, forced herself to postpone her digression, and finished, "-that it's only a hypothetical question, so it's not a problem, right?"

Now Twilight's face settled into firm suspicion, and this time she wasn't looking at Rainbow Dash. "All right," she said. "Breathing is fine, but nothing else with oxygen. So, no carbohydrates?"

"Nope. Hydrocarbons are fine, they said, but no carbohydrates. Alcohol in small amounts."

"Alcohols are carbohydrates," Twilight said. "By definition!"

"But only a little bit!" Pinkie Pie replied.

"Fine," Twilight said. "What about water, then? Can they have any water?"

"Nope," Pinkie said. "They can't chew it."

Twilight Sparkle's eyes narrowed just a little bit more. "They can't chew it," she repeated.

"Hypothetically," Pinkie Pie clarified.

Twilight didn't say anything for several seconds. Instead she spent them staring... not actually at Pinkie, but at something Pinkie couldn't see. But when those eyes focused on her again, she knew the game was up. "Pinkie," she said, in the tone of voice that made it plain that keeping it even and quiet took serious effort, "when and where did you meet an alien life form?"

Pinkie's forehooves went immediately to her muzzle, covering her mouth.

"Whoa whoa WHOA!" Rainbow Dash shouted, brushing past Pinkie to hover right in front of Twilight. "Aliens?? Is THAT what she was doing in the trees at the top of Harness Hill?"

Pinkie tried to clamp her muzzle even more tightly shut.

"It pretty much has to be," Twilight Sparkle said. "Most life forms on Equus require carbohydrates to live. And all the ones that don't are capable of eating volcanic rocks, so I'm pretty sure eating ice isn't a problem for them." She looked from Dash to Pinkie and added, "And the fact that Pinkie's first reaction to the word water was, 'they can't chew it,' tells me whatever it is is from a really, really cold environment."

Pinkie unclamped her muzzle just enough to mutter, "Hypothetically," without much hope it would help.

"Pinkie," Twilight said in her moderately-exasperated voice, "I've known you for years now, and you've never used the word hypothetically except when you were talking about something real." Pausing a split second for thought, she added, "I think this is the first time you've used it where a party isn't involved, though."

A party very much was involved- that was the whole point!- but Pinkie had to clamp her jaw shut even harder to stop herself from saying it.

"So now I know where," Twilight said. "Mind telling me when, Pinkie? And how much you know about this alien?"

"That ain't gonna work," Rainbow Dash said. "She says she Pinkie Promised. And you know how she is about a promise."

"Forever," Pinkie whimpered through her hooves.

"But... but Pinkie, this is the most important thing in the history of Equestria!" Twilight shouted. "This could be a scientific expedition studying our world! Or it could be the first wave of an alien invasion! But whichever it is, it's the first time we've had evidence of life beyond Equus!"

"Yeah, pretty sure it's not the invasion one," Rainbow said. "Pinkie's been up there a couple times now, and they didn't replace her with a pod pony or put a worm in her ear or anything like that."

"How do you know they didn't?"

Rainbow waved a hoof at Pinkie. "Do you really think any alien can make a fake Pinkie as crazy as the real one?" she asked.

Pinkie Pie had never been so happy to have her sanity questioned before.

Twilight nodded. "Okay, good point," she said. "And anyway, Pinkie wouldn't be asking about how to feed an alien if they were mean." Pause. "I don't think she would, anyway."

Pinkie said nothing, but she did shoot Twilight her best what-do-you-take-me-for glare.

"So, let's go with science mission," Twilight continued. "Or maybe diplomatic mission, but that wouldn't make sense, because if it was a diplomatic mission they would have sent Pinkie to fetch Princess Celestia."

"Or you," Rainbow Dash pointed out.

Twilight waved this away. "Anyway, something peaceful. But for some reason they swore Pinkie to silence. Why would they do that? Why don't they want anypony to know they're there?"

"Wait a minute," Rainbow interrupted. "I know this bit. It's some kinda, um, non-interference thingy. You know, like in Star Wagon and the Uneven Balance?"

"I thought you said that book was boring," Twilight interjected.

"Well, I still read it, didn't I?" Rainbow Dash said. "I still say it should have had more Charg'r battles and less talking. Daring Do is so much-"

"Your point, Dash?"

"Oh, yeah," Rainbow said. "The Interstellar Alliance has that rule about not showing themselves to planets that don't have their own spaceships, because they don't want those worlds to panic and maybe destroy themselves because the Alliance said hi."

"Order Number One."

"That's it. And I thought that was kinda stupid, because who'd be afraid of the good guys?" Rainbow Dash tapped her chin thoughtfully. "But I think maybe I was only looking at it from the Star Wagon's point of view. Now that I really think about it, and knowing how most ponies in Ponyville are, I think a lot of them would panic if they knew an alien was here. And if I were an alien and saw some scared ponies running at my ship, I wouldn't stick around."

Twilight's eyes widened. "I think you're absolutely right," she said. Looking at Pinkie, she asked, "Is that how it is, Pinkie?"

Pinkie unclamped her mouth. "Pinkie Promise," she replied firmly.

"Oh, come on!" Dash "We guessed it, didn't we? We already know everything! And you didn't tell us! Can't you talk about it now??"

"Dash," Twilight said, holding up a hoof to stop her friend, "if we have guessed it, we don't need to press Pinkie about it." She looked at Pinkie. "And since this alien is apparently still willing to talk with Pinkie, we don't need to scare him away by going up to the hill ourselves."

Pinkie dared to relax.

"But I will be writing a list of questions I want answers for," Twilight Sparkle said firmly. "And you can ask your totally hypothetical friend up there for me, all right?"

Pinkie dared to deflate in defeat. "Hypothetically, yes," she sighed. "So long as you don't ask me any questions. And you don't go up there yourself."

"We won't," Twilight said firmly. "But we can't stop other ponies from going up there. And if we tell them not to go up there, they'll ask why, and when we don't tell them, they'll go up there to look, because that's what I would do."

"And me," Rainbow Dash said. "I might not even ask why first."

"So," Twilight said firmly, "you'd better have that party pretty soon. Somepony might stumble over your friend any minute now."

"But I can't!!" Pinkie shrieked in despair. "Everything I know how to make is hypothetically poison to hypothetically him! And you can't have a party without hypothetical treats! And that is not hypothetical, that is a fact!" Pause. "Hypothetically."

Twilight sighed, and it was just a sigh, not one laden with any of the deeper meanings Pinkie Pie had learned how to categorize from long experience. "Okay," she said. "You did say this... hypothetical totally-not-an-alien..."

"Right."

"... they can eat hydrocarbons, but not carbohydrates?" With the barest pause she added, "And since this is all purely hypothetical it means you can stop saying it's hypothetical every other word!"

"Okay!" Pinkie said. "Just so long as it's understood."

"Can you be any more specific about what hydrocarbons they prefer?" Twilight asked.

"Not exactly," Pinkie admitted. "His body runs on acetylene, I think he said. When they eat hydrocarbons, they get broken down into that. They can have alcohol and ketones, whatever those are, in small amounts- they do need a little oxygen to build their bodies, I think. But too much and BOOM!"

Twilight blinked. "Boom? Is this a hypothetical boom or a real boom?"

"I don't wanna find out," Pinkie said firmly.

"Okay," Twilight nodded. "Did you ask about fatty acids? Cholesterol? That sort of thing?"

Pinkie blinked. "Hypothetically no?" she hazarded. "Why?"

"But sugar and starch are bad?"

"Yeah, table sugar in particular is really bad," Pinkie said.

"So a little oxygen is all right, just not a lot of it," Twilight said. "Like my chemistry teacher said, the dose makes the poison. Most alcohols and ketones have only one or two oxygen atoms. Fatty acids usually have only two, but a whole lot of carbon and hydrogen. Their cells must be made of them, like ours are."

"Hey," Rainbow Dash said, "if you're both going egghead, let me get a pillow or something so I can take a nap."

"No, actually we're just about done," Twilight said. "Or we will be, once I get Spike to send a letter to Princess Celestia." Smiling, she added, "Pinkie, what do you know about how artificial flavorings are made?"

---

The animals of the copse were calmer, but still not happy.

They'd been fed, and they'd had a day in a safe, comfortable place with a caretaker who saw to their every need. But She Who Listens already had quite a few permanent guests, plus other animals that came and went every day, and the hilltop animals knew they were in other animals' territory. They wanted to go back to the place they called home.

Also, they'd been joined by more of their neighbors, who reported that the poking had become less frequent, but hadn't stopped altogether. In fact, the poking had been replaced by watching, which turned out to be even more annoying. Nobody liked a big metal flying thing humming and whining and staring at you all the time with what looked like a big glass eye. It made a critter feel conspicuous.

Most of the first wave of refugees had been begging She Who Listens to do something, but of course she was afraid of the strange thing- so afraid that she spent an hour under her own bed after hearing them describe it. But gradually they were wearing her down, helped by the newcomers whose added tale of woe increased her resolve.

The rabbit who acted as the closest confidant of She Who Listens estimated that, by nightfall, she'd finally overcome her fear and agree to go see the thing for herself. But, in his experience, there was danger of backsliding. He therefore advised getting help from the bear.

She Who Listens would go, one way or another.

And then the animals would get their homes back.

Comments

[Scyphi]

The deep sigh that followed was a familiar one, which Pinkie Pie had labeled Every pony in this town is STILL crazy but for some reason this does not include me even though it totally does.

But you still love 'em anyway, Twi, admit it.

Pinkie Pie had never been so happy to have her sanity questioned before.

Yeah, not something that'd exactly come up all that often, would it?

"You know, like in Star Wagon and the Uneven Balance?"

Okay, I get where you get the "Star Wagon" part Kris (so much so I'm surprised you didn't go all the way and just called it "Wagon Train to the Stars"--I would've), but I'm not sure where you got the "Uneven Balance" part, and as a long time fan of the franchise being parodied here, I must know the answer here!

"I still say it should have had more Charg'r battles and less talking. Daring Do is so much-"

Star Wars would probably be more her speed then. The reason why is right there in the name.

[Kris Overstreet]

11541878 "Uneven Balance" isn't a direct reference. I had in mind the episode "A Private Little War," but I couldn't think of any way to work that into (a) a pony-friendly turn of phrase that (b) fit in the "X and the Y" adventure book series title format.

[Venerable Ro]

I wonder how Pinkie will feel about creating something that she absolutely positively cannot taste?

[Kris Overstreet]

11541889 Bear in mind Pinkie grew up in a family that eats rocks.

[River Babble]

Oh noooo poor Pinkie! She tried so hard but Twilight is just too smart for her. I love that Twilight didn't even question her realization that it had to be aliens, because this is PINKIE. XD

[Georg]

Now that I really think about it, and knowing how most ponies in Ponyville are, I think a lot of them would panic if they knew an alien was here.

Fair concern. The citizens of Ponyville panic when bunnies come into town.

[mishun]

She Who Listens would go, one way or another.

Now I can't get rid of thought that Fluttershy is somehow scarier than Slaanesh

[Kris Overstreet]

11542350 Quoting from another fic: "She Who Made a Honey Badger Care."

[Black--Soul]

Rainbow waved a hoof at Pinkie. "Do you really think any alien can make a fake Pinkie as crazy as the real one?" she asked.

That made me laugh out loud 👍

[Bugsydor]

Loved Twilight getting that it was aliens because what else could have Pinkie in a twist like this.

[darklight731]

Love the casual side-story of Fluttershy being pushed and slightly threatened by a bunch of forest critters. Is fun.

[Bicyclette]

"Why yes, I know practically everything about chemistry," Twilight Sparkle said. She gestured to the walls and walls of books in the Castle of Friendship's library. "And anything I might have forgotten is in these books! What do you need to know?"

love her

Pinkie Pie tried not to fidget on her hooves, which meant she fidgeted twice as hard. "Well," she said, "I've got this teensy weensy problem. A hypothetical problem," she added hurriedly, "and in no way related to anything in real life, okay?"

aww, Pinkie talking to Twilight like one would talk to ChatGPT

Twilight didn't say anything for several seconds. Instead she spent them staring... not actually at Pinkie, but at something Pinkie couldn't see. But when those eyes focused on her again, she knew the game was up. "Pinkie," she said, in the tone of voice that made it plain that keeping it even and quiet took serious effort, "when and where did you meet an alien life form?"

love her

"Wait a minute," Rainbow interrupted. "I know this bit. It's some kinda, um, non-interference thingy. You know, like in Star Wagon and the Uneven Balance?"

of course the pony’s analogue for a spaceship would be a star wagon, love it

Most of the first wave of refugees had been begging She Who Listens to do something, but of course she was afraid of the strange thing- so afraid that she spent an hour under her own bed after hearing them describe it. But gradually they were wearing her down, helped by the newcomers whose added tale of woe increased her resolve.

augh, just want to hug poor Fluttershy!