I was afraid some colors might be hard to read^^ Could you tell me which character's color is too difficult? Also, I can definitely say that as the story goes on, you will have to switch back to night mode. Some of the text colors are very light, they'd almost be invisible on a white screen.
Mistress herself. David too but he's gone now. And no, Fluttershy is not invisible to my screen. Though it must be noted that i am using "high contrast, light" for day and "green on black" for night time. Green on black is also my default, day or night. Still hard to read Mistress.
Milage will vary as there is like a dozen settings on site...
Could you also tell me which sentence is 'run on' please?
vary minor... almost a list;
She seems to have it all, an isolated home where no one can bother her (unless she wants them to), a vast, underground base that only a select few even know about, and best of all, dozens of sexy, slutty bimbos, most of whom were unwilling volunteers for her transformation magic!
I'm afraid I don't follow^^ What do you mean by "telling not showing"?
I know another covered it with a link but let's keep it personal...
After recovering from Coco's sudden outburst, Rarity asked her what the 12 Zodiac signs were. "Ooh, I know that!" As Coco listed off all 12, her hair and skin slowly became the exact same shade of purple as Twilight! "Eeee! Ask me another~!"
If we are being charitable then "Rarity asked her what the 12 Zodiac signs were." is not a case of show don't tell but changing 'person' (third to second specifically) instead; which is considered a different no no but exceptions apply. In fact this story can support that no no as is. As this line is it is second person with the director narrating what Rarity is doing instead of 'her' showing. No accent, no dialogue, no emotion. The words have the emotion as a plank of wood. Which is fine; New Twilight makes up for it. Good job
(This isn't the first nor last time you do this but I just singled it out.)
Now I can see how this happened. You mentioned a web comic once or twice (your web comic?). And I can guess you translated faithfully it's meaning and intent but something has been lost here. A comic is not a novel. You are taking snapshots of an event and, occasionally, have to describe something trivial to the audience that is too trivial for its own box on the page. That is my opinion on what happened; this part of the comic focuses on Twilight, perhaps exclusively, and the others are off stage with maybe a dialog bubble.
Which is why Twilight is live and large while Rarity seems to have been replaced by a cutout.
As I said; you can make it work but Rarity is roughly 25% of this social encounter. It is kinda jarring unless we are trying to get to the good part.
Now I can see how this happened. You mentioned a web comic once or twice (your web comic?). And I can guess you translated faithfully it's meaning and intent but something has been lost here. A comic is not a novel. You are taking snapshots of an event and, occasionally, have to describe something trivial to the audience that is too trivial for its own box on the page. That is my opinion on what happened; this part of the comic focuses on Twilight, perhaps exclusively, and the others are off stage with maybe a dialog bubble.
Which is why Twilight is live and large while Rarity seems to have been replaced by a cutout.
Ohh, that's what you meant. Yeah, this story is more or less a direct copy of my own animation series I made a couple years ago. And you're exactly correct, in that scene Coco/Twilight was pretty much exclusively the focus, with Rarity and Pinkie only being speech bubbles off to the side. I'll go back through and try to make them more 'emotive', or at least try to better describe what they're doing.
I'll also look through the rest of the chapters for any similar things, though I'll likely miss some^^
Alright... a new day.
Mistress herself. David too but he's gone now. And no, Fluttershy is not invisible to my screen. Though it must be noted that i am using "high contrast, light" for day and "green on black" for night time. Green on black is also my default, day or night. Still hard to read Mistress.
Milage will vary as there is like a dozen settings on site...
vary minor... almost a list;
She seems to have it all, an isolated home where no one can bother her (unless she wants them to), a vast, underground base that only a select few even know about, and best of all, dozens of sexy, slutty bimbos, most of whom were unwilling volunteers for her transformation magic!
I know another covered it with a link but let's keep it personal...
After recovering from Coco's sudden outburst, Rarity asked her what the 12 Zodiac signs were. "Ooh, I know that!" As Coco listed off all 12, her hair and skin slowly became the exact same shade of purple as Twilight! "Eeee! Ask me another~!"
If we are being charitable then "Rarity asked her what the 12 Zodiac signs were." is not a case of show don't tell but changing 'person' (third to second specifically) instead; which is considered a different no no but exceptions apply. In fact this story can support that no no as is. As this line is it is second person with the director narrating what Rarity is doing instead of 'her' showing. No accent, no dialogue, no emotion. The words have the emotion as a plank of wood. Which is fine; New Twilight makes up for it. Good job
(This isn't the first nor last time you do this but I just singled it out.)
Now I can see how this happened. You mentioned a web comic once or twice (your web comic?). And I can guess you translated faithfully it's meaning and intent but something has been lost here. A comic is not a novel. You are taking snapshots of an event and, occasionally, have to describe something trivial to the audience that is too trivial for its own box on the page. That is my opinion on what happened; this part of the comic focuses on Twilight, perhaps exclusively, and the others are off stage with maybe a dialog bubble.
Which is why Twilight is live and large while Rarity seems to have been replaced by a cutout.
As I said; you can make it work but Rarity is roughly 25% of this social encounter. It is kinda jarring unless we are trying to get to the good part.
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Ohh, that's what you meant. Yeah, this story is more or less a direct copy of my own animation series I made a couple years ago. And you're exactly correct, in that scene Coco/Twilight was pretty much exclusively the focus, with Rarity and Pinkie only being speech bubbles off to the side. I'll go back through and try to make them more 'emotive', or at least try to better describe what they're doing.
I'll also look through the rest of the chapters for any similar things, though I'll likely miss some^^