- Member Since 18th Dec, 2014
- offline last seen March 2nd
thriller1234519
Primarily an animator and game maker, sometimes dabbles in writing :D
thriller1234519
Joined 18th Dec, 2014 ·
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I remember seeing the animations on Deviantart, good time. Can't wait for it to continue
An interesting story… Maybe add this to the TG group on this site?
11448274
I added it to a TG group, but Idk if it's the group you had in mind^^
The site has built in Break Lines that you can use without having to type that in a hundred times.
Like that. Just [ hr ] without the spaces.
11448287
Well that would've been nice to know XD
Thanks! I'll edit those in.
11448280
I can help with that!
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/201181/tf-tg
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/839/unique-transformation
https://www.fimfiction.net/group/1937/my-little-fetish this one does have a sub folder for transformations
11448319
Thank you :D
Safe word is; Cherry Pop Gum!
So right off the bat we appear to have a run on sentence. Not a deal breaker by any means; besides that one instance I can't find anything wrong. Which doesn't mean there is nothing, just that nothing has been wrong enough to break immersion.
And second... I really think the text colors is a little much. In night time mode the... purple? Burgandy? Is really hard to read. I have already switched to daytime just to not squint.
So... does he know about the bimbos being bimbos? The plot of the previous chapter was about getting X rated stuff out of sight... presumably so David wouldn't know that he was going to be turned into... a Dee? Making him Pinkie might be an odd choice as it seems she wants someone to talk to. Shouldn't be too hard; she just has to tone down the ditsy as the memories seem to be stripped (as established with the businessman) from the other bimbos.
What friend? You killed him an hour ago. Not that he was much of a friend to you, at least.
But hey... this is a porno. Maybe... ...sorta.
The story is definitely taking place in a place the regularly feature a porno. Interestingly we have gone in a dress making splurge.
This is telling not showing...
You can make that work, don't get me wrong, but this isn't one of those times. It would work if you were skipping to the good parts but this is actually part of the plot; a good emotional moment squandered. This is reading like a second or third draft. This could use one more round...
I do like how CoCo could get mad. It shows that they are not too far gone and that our Pov character is not as black hearted as previously written.
11448635
I was afraid some colors might be hard to read^^
Could you tell me which character's color is too difficult?
Also, I can definitely say that as the story goes on, you will have to switch back to night mode.
Some of the text colors are very light, they'd almost be invisible on a white screen.
Could you also tell me which sentence is 'run on' please?
11448652
I wanted to clearly establish that Mistress is a villain, with a messed up sense of morality^^
From the sound of things, I seem to have succeeded!
11448675
I'm afraid I don't follow^^
What do you mean by "telling not showing"?
I'd love to improve this chapter, but Idk how to go about it exactly.
11448682
Here darling, hope this helps explain that
https://jerryjenkins.com/show-dont-tell/#:~:text=self%2Dediting%20checklist.-,The%20Difference%20Between%20Showing%20and%20Telling,That's%20telling.
11448884
Ohhh, I see what they meant now. I never thought about that!
I'll go ahead and read through the story so far, looking for anything like that and fixing it up.
Thanks for the tip!
11448911
No problem
Alright... a new day.
Mistress herself. David too but he's gone now. And no, Fluttershy is not invisible to my screen. Though it must be noted that i am using "high contrast, light" for day and "green on black" for night time. Green on black is also my default, day or night. Still hard to read Mistress.
Milage will vary as there is like a dozen settings on site...
vary minor... almost a list;
She seems to have it all, an isolated home where no one can bother her (unless she wants them to), a vast, underground base that only a select few even know about, and best of all, dozens of sexy, slutty bimbos, most of whom were unwilling volunteers for her transformation magic!
I know another covered it with a link but let's keep it personal...
After recovering from Coco's sudden outburst, Rarity asked her what the 12 Zodiac signs were. "Ooh, I know that!" As Coco listed off all 12, her hair and skin slowly became the exact same shade of purple as Twilight! "Eeee! Ask me another~!"
If we are being charitable then "Rarity asked her what the 12 Zodiac signs were." is not a case of show don't tell but changing 'person' (third to second specifically) instead; which is considered a different no no but exceptions apply. In fact this story can support that no no as is. As this line is it is second person with the director narrating what Rarity is doing instead of 'her' showing. No accent, no dialogue, no emotion. The words have the emotion as a plank of wood. Which is fine; New Twilight makes up for it. Good job
(This isn't the first nor last time you do this but I just singled it out.)
Now I can see how this happened. You mentioned a web comic once or twice (your web comic?). And I can guess you translated faithfully it's meaning and intent but something has been lost here. A comic is not a novel. You are taking snapshots of an event and, occasionally, have to describe something trivial to the audience that is too trivial for its own box on the page. That is my opinion on what happened; this part of the comic focuses on Twilight, perhaps exclusively, and the others are off stage with maybe a dialog bubble.
Which is why Twilight is live and large while Rarity seems to have been replaced by a cutout.
As I said; you can make it work but Rarity is roughly 25% of this social encounter. It is kinda jarring unless we are trying to get to the good part.
11449605
Ohh, that's what you meant. Yeah, this story is more or less a direct copy of my own animation series I made a couple years ago. And you're exactly correct, in that scene Coco/Twilight was pretty much exclusively the focus, with Rarity and Pinkie only being speech bubbles off to the side. I'll go back through and try to make them more 'emotive', or at least try to better describe what they're doing.
I'll also look through the rest of the chapters for any similar things, though I'll likely miss some^^
just a little critique, the yellow you use for Celestia's text blends in a bit too much in the background for those who do not use night mode.
11450844
There's only so many colors^^
I also specifically mentioned in the story's description that night mode is recommended
11448152
What animations?
What is this a crossover of?
11512677
Mainly a crossover between MLP and my own fictional world I've created, but there are a few minor crossovers here and there.
Halo comes to mind, when 'Coco' realized that she used to be Cortana but was reprogrammed.
At any rate, this got past the reviewers, since it's my very first story on here^^
11511026
You can find my animations on DeviantArt. Just look up "thriller54321"!
11512975
Ah, a fellow world builder trying to introduce their world through a big franchise. I respect that.
Oh… I think the magic has spread a bit farther than that couple with the teleports.
Que the magic Starting to manipulate thinking "Mistress can't stand against all of equestria "
I wonder what the new chapters would be like. I have a feeling it would be interesting
I hadn't realized you would be here, Missy.
This will be, and has been, a wonderful tale, I assure you.