Short Bits and Withers

by Andrew Joshua Talon

Short Hand vs. The Conversion Bureau

- - - - - -

Shepherd: So, what kind of adventure do you have planned for us today, Discord?

Discord: You almost sound eager to hear it!

Shepherd: *beams* Why should I be depressed? Everything's great. Fluttershy is having my child, I have a great job I love to do, contact has been re-established with Earth... I mean, what could I possibly be depressed about?

Discord: Well, that is indeed happy news! But imagine if you will... If Equestria wasn't quite the safe haven you thought it was?

Shepherd: ... It really isn't safe, Discord-

Discord: Sorry, I misspoke. What if Celestia reacted a bit... Differently to humanity?

Shepherd: Differently? How do you mean?

Discord: Well you are very dangerous, you know. Just think of what a far less compassionate Celestia might do about you...

Shepherd: Er, how do you mean?

Discord: Let me paint you a picture...

- - - - -

They were dangerous. She knew this. Just one of them had helped turn the tide of the Changeling invasion. Just one human had helped defeat Sombra, his will being able to withstand the power of the Crystal Heart. And her student loved him. She had considered removing Shepherd from the equation. Quietly, simply... Get Twilight back on the proper path.

Yet she could not deny he was a good influence on Twilight. That he was a great asset... But the rest of his race...

The radio signal was clear and concise, and in multiple languages. But there was just one she was interested in.

"Friend or foe...?"

Celestia turned to Sundance, her aide. "Sundance? Alert my ministers. I believe I will be requiring a new bureau."

"A new bureau, Your Majesty?" Asked Sundance curiously. The diarch nodded grimly.

"Yes... A conversion bureau..."

- - - - -

The portal in the Crystal Empire had required a lot of tinkering, but it was now showing images from the other side. From Earth. Famine, war, destruction and death raged... And horror shown on the face of Andrew Shepherd as he and the Elements of Harmony watched.

"I'm sorry to say your world has seen better days, Andrew Shepherd," Celestia said, not unkindly. "In the wake of the Changeling invasion, you've fallen on each other. War, death, decay..." She shook her head. "The Earth is in turmoil, Andrew Shepherd."

"I... Well we need to do something then!" Andrew insisted. Celestia hummed.

"What would you have us do?"

"I... I dunno, send in aid?" Andrew suggested. "I mean, your magic would allow us to do so much, to rebuild! It would save so many people!"

"Yes," Celestia nodded, "but humanity might not welcome us."

"Why wouldn't they?" Dash demanded. "We'd be coming in to help!"

"As Andrew is aware, interventions do not always go to plan," Celestia said carefully. "After all, your race just survived an alien invasion. How would they look upon another race of aliens, so soon?"

Andrew frowned. "I'm... I'm not sure what you're saying-"

"I am saying, the intervention will be difficult... Unless we have certain facts available." She looked to Shepherd. "Chrysalis knows much of Earth's defenses, but we would need... An emissary. A human to bridge the gap between our worlds."

"You want me to be an ambassador?" Andrew asked with a frown. Celestia nodded.

"And to help ease tensions. I believe ceasing the internal conflicts between your people would be a good first step, and a demonstration of our power. A stick... And a carrot?"

"You... You're not talking about just... Just attacking his people, are you?" Fluttershy asked warily. Celestia smiled, trying to be comforting.

"With our weather control, we could simply render conflict impossible... Which would make your people listen," Celestia said, looking to Shepherd again. "If we enter now, we would doubtless be greeted with violence. But if we demonstrate our power... Then establish official diplomatic relations, with you as the ambassador..."

Shepherd frowned deeply. "... Is... Is this the only way you'll help?" He asked. Celestia sighed, and nodded.

"I'm afraid so..."

"Andrew, we can do something else, we can think of-" Twilight tried, but Celestia stared at her sharply. Twilight wavered, and bowed her head. "I mean... I guess I just don't... I don't know if it's... Going to work."

"Neither do I, my little pony," Celestia said, "but we do have to try..." And here she looked at Shepherd. "Do we not?"

The human, very slowly, nodded. "I... Yes. Yes we do..."

And Princess Celestia smiled.

- - - - -

In the situation room aboard the Space Battleship Enterprise, the Mane 6, Andrew Shepherd, and Chrysalis met with military leaders.

"You're saying that this starship of hers is going to convert all of humanity into ponies?" Asked the American general. Twilight frowned and nodded.

"Yes." Twilight pointed to the holographic display atop the desk, showing a spaceship that eerily resembled White Base from the Gundam series. "It has to charge up before it can use the beam on a planetary scale. It can only do it to one city at a time."

"Unfortunately, a concentrated nuclear strike didn't affect her," the Chinese general said. "So what plan do you have now?"

"Well, we have found an artifact that would allow a single human to channel the full power of the Elements of Harmony," Twilight said with a smile. She looked over at Shepherd, and he held up the Iron Age sword. The generals frowned.

"Where did you get that?" The British general.

"Pulled it out of a stone in a tomb on an island near Britain," Shepherd said. The British general choked. "Oh relax, we'll put it right back!"

"Why can't you just blast her from here?" Asked the American General. Dash snorted.

"Too risky! And obvious. She'd see us coming."

"And she can sense us coming, anyway," Rarity said. She smiled over at Shepherd. "Which is why we're going to send someone she'd never see coming to stop her."

Shepherd nodded with a bright smile. He looked at the smiling faces of his pony friends... And his face fell.

"... You mean me, right?"

"Yes dear," Fluttershy said, brushing his shoulder with her wing. "We mean you. You'll fly into the central head and act like you're going to hit the self-destruct."

"It has a self-destruct?" Shepherd asked. Twilight nodded.

"Of course it does!"

"Of course it does," muttered Shepherd.

"Wait... We're relying on this boy?" The Chinese general asked in disbelief. "What is your background, young man?"

"I've fought a dragon and a manticore multiple times and survived," Shepherd said flatly. "Which seems to qualify me for crazy space heroics. You?"

"... Military engineering," the general ground out. Pinkie Pie beamed.

"Ooh! Where's your hat?"

"My what?" Asked the general, confused. Pinkie Pie bounced up and down in her seat.

"Yeah! You have a hat to be an engineer, right? Did you pull the whistle too?"

"Not that kind o' engineerin', sugah cube," said Applejack. Pinkie frowned.

"So... Death ray engineer?"

"I built bridges and launch pads!" The general said angrily.

"With your bare hands?"

"No!"

"Well I don't where you're going with this," Pinkie said, shaking her head. The American general sighed and patted the Chinese general on the shoulder.

"You get used to them... Or you have a psychotic breakdown."

- - - - -

The Harbringer of Peace wasn't too hard to infiltrate. A magic spell on the Sophia (which had been upgraded and fueled up for this mission) made it invisible. Shepherd, who had been taking a lot of lessons, managed to fly the ship into the ear and into the head of the great white starship. He came to a stop and docked with the internal docking ring. He slipped inside, and made his way to the central core. He turned a corner... And pulled back quickly as he saw a guard.

He reached out and gripped the back of his neck.

"... What the Tartarus are you doing?" The stallion asked.

"Um... Vulcan neck pinch?" Shepherd offered. The Stallion glared at him.

"No stupid, that's not... Hey wait a minute! You're a human and-!"

Shepherd whacked him over the head with the butt of his pistol. He sighed as the guard collapsed. "Boring conversation anyway," he muttered. He lifted the stallion up to the ident scanner for the armored door, and it opened. He entered, and grinned as he saw the great big red button.

Self Destruct Button - Press Only if you Really, REALLY want to!

He walked up to it, and held his elbow up to smash the button in.

"NOT SO FAST, SHEPHERD!" Cried a familiar voice. Shepherd turned around and scowled at the white form of Princess Celestia.

"Celestia! So... At last we meet for the first time, for the last time!" Shepherd cried. He then frowned. "No, wait, we've met before... Can I start over?"

"No," said Celestia. "Before you die, there is something you must know!"

"What's that?" Asked Andrew. "You're my... Mother?"

"WHAT?! Of course I'm not your mother!" Celestia gasped.

"My mother's cousin?"

Celestia glared. Shepherd smiled weakly.

"My mother's brother's cousin's nephew's... Former roommate?" He tried.

"As I was saying," Celestia growled, "before you die... I am not actually Princess Celestia. I am, instead... CORONA WRATH!" Her eyes flashed brightly.

"... Who?" Andrew asked. Celestia glared more intensely.

"A spirit of purity! Of the order all life craves! Freedom from freedom! All to form the equine super collective!"

"... I've never heard of you," Shepherd said. He grinned. "Hey! That means this is the first and last time we meet-!"

He ducked a solar blast from the possessed Celestia. He sighed.

"Me and my big mouth..."

- - - - -

Pinkie Pie: Hey, what happened? Everything went dark!

Twilight: What did you push?

Pinkie Pie: I just tried to turn off the screen-

Dash: Oh for-YOU TURNED OFF THE MOVIE, PINKIE PIE!

Pinkie Pie: Whoops! These buttons just look so much alike-

Twilight: TURN IT BACK ON!

Pinkie Pie: Yes Twilight, yes!

- - - - - - -

"So... Right to the fight? No explaining your backstory?" Andrew asked Corona Wrath, as she fired off another energy blast. She was restricted in what she could actually throw at him given they were in a spaceship with an easily puncturable hull, but she was still trying to burn his flesh off. Fortunately he was able to dodge, and what he couldn't dodge he blocked with the magic shield Shining gave him.

... Why it had to be pink was beyond him, but hey, it worked.

"I am the relentless spirit of pure light! All shall burn and wither away before me!" She hissed.

"Take that as a no," Shepherd said. He kneeled to block another solar blast, grimacing. She then simply tossed him against the bulkhead, pinning him with her telekinesis. "GAH!"

"Foalish little monkey," she hissed. "Only at the end do you understand..." She trotted up to him. "Your cunning and tricks are no match for me!"

"I guess not," Shepherd said with a shrug. "I do have this though." He drew the sword. Corona Wrath snatched it from him with her magic, and snorted as she held it in front of her face.

"This piece of scrap metal? What is it supposed to do?" She asked mockingly. She turned the sword towards him with a smirk. "Perhaps I shall use it to remove your two best friends."

"For someone who hates humans, you sure reference a lot of our movies," Shepherd said dryly. "Oh, and by the way?" He tapped the transmitter on his headset. Two short tones, then one long one, then one more short tone. "Magic is Friendship... Bitch."

- - - - -

Aboard the Enterprise...

"That's the signal!" Twilight announced. The ponies were strapped in together in spacesuits, their Elements affixed to their suits by way of velcro. They were all strapped in to the airlock, which the Enterprise had turned to face the distant glinting star that was the Harbinger of Peace. "Go for it!"

Dash focused, and her Element lit up like the sun itself. Pinkie's followed, as did Rarity's, Fluttershy's, and Applejack's. Twilight's was last, and her eyes glowed with magical energy. The reason for them to do this outside the spaceship became obvious, as the concentrated magical force shot through space hard enough to make the Enterprise lose several kilometers per second of thrust. The beam would normally have just been displaced throughout the superstructure of the Harbinger of Peace thanks to the vessel's magical defenses... But with the emotional focus of Andrew Shepherd and the sword, it lanced through like a cutting laser.

The sword burst into magical power, spreading like wildfire throughout the ship. Andrew had to shut his eyes and cover them as the light was so bright he was afraid he might go blind. He heard Corona Wrath scream in fury and agony... And then silence. Shepherd slid down to the deck, and lowered his arm. In Corona Wrath's place, laying on the floor with her long hair splayed all over the place... Was Princess Celestia.

... A naked, human Princess Celestia, who looked very woozy.

"Uhh... Sh-Shepherd...?" She managed. Andrew smiled and walked over to her. He kneeled down and checked her pulse.

"Hey... It's okay," he said. "You all right?"

"Better, yes," Celestia said with a nod, and a grimace. "I... Have quite a headache..."

"So... Corona Wrath. What the hell?" Shepherd asked. "And... Why are you a naked woman? I mean... It isn't exactly..." He picked up the sword and helped Celestia up. The Princess smiled.

"Well... To help the Elements, I focused what will I could upon a form that disagreed with Corona Wrath's seething hatred of imperfection," she said. "And well... I guess I ended up like this."

"Wait... You were aware? All this time?" Shepherd asked in disbelief. Celestia nodded.

"Oh yes... Brilliant plan. Using you was unexpected, but brilliant all the same." She smiled warmly. "As was you using the self destruct gambit I had."

"So... What, this isn't real?" Shepherd asked, slamming the hilt of his sword against the big red button. It depressed, and red lights began flashing as alert klaxons blared over the loudspeakers.

"Thank you for pressing the self destruct button... This ship will self destruct in exactly two minutes," a friendly, female voice stated. Shepherd slowly lowered his sword, as Celestia allowed herself a giggle.

"Oh no... Very real," she snickered. "I just... Didn't expect you to push it."

"Ah... Right," Shepherd said with a slow nod. "Let's go."

"Agreed."

- - - - - - -

Author's Note:

Just some fun between two ancient Pony fics.