DISCLAIMER!! I do not own Minecraft or My Little Pony. Those belong to Mojang and Hasbro respectively.
Twilight was calmly reading underneath the slightly cloudy sky. She was currently next to one of her favorite trees that was comfortably enough to read by. Everything was calm. A little too calm, but calm none the less. That is, until Spike ran up to her while holding a scroll. The scroll was held together by a red ribbon with a very familiar seal on it.
"Hello Spike." Twilight said as he got closer to her. "Really nice weather right now, right?"
Spike stopped next to Twilight and held up a claw to tell her to give him a minute while breathing heavily. "Letter, from, Princess." He was able to say before falling over.
Twilight just sighed before levitating the letter from Spike's claws before unraveling it and reading its contents.
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My Most Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle,
I'm afraid that there is a bit of an issue. There is a strange, foreign dragon residing near Canterlot that has destroyed a couple of buildings and gave injuries to some citizens of Equestria. Luna and I tried to reason with it, but I'm afraid that it didn't work. We also tried to fight it, but it just brushed us off like dust. If our powers cannot defeat it, then the power of friendship can. There is an enclosed map with a mark where the dragon resides along with an image of it. I wish you and your friends good luck. Hopefully the Elements of Harmony can defeat this strange creature.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
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Twilight took the map out before locating the little red X that was near Canterlot. She did a few simple mental calculations and figured out that it would take about a day and a half before getting to that spot, and that taking her friends might make the trip a little longer. They would need all sorts of supplies, but they had to get done quickly.
"Spike, go get my friends." Twilight commanded the slightly recovering Spike as she took out the picture of the dragon. "I have to go and research information about this dragon. I've never seen it before, and I need to see what we're dealing with."
"Okay, just, gimme a minute." Spike said as his breathing became a bit better. "I think, some of them are at, Sweet Apple Acres."
"Alright." Twilight replied. "You go on ahead as soon as you're ready. I'm going to the library. Bye!"
"Bye."
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As soon as Spike felt like he could move again, he began walking to Sweet Apple Acres. It wasn't too far away, but still a little ways off. And in the state Spike was in, it was a miracle that he didn't fall over halfway through. But he was able to keep up his endurance, and eventually made it to the farm where Applejack lived. He could hear shouts coming from the side of the farm in a field, and he went to go check it out.
Out in the field Spike could see Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity were trying to make a new cart for Applejack to use to sell apples. He noticed that Applejack supplied most of the materials, Rarity was doing the decorations, and Rainbow was 'helping' Rarity with the decorations. But apparently the two were arguing, and it seemed to have been going on for a long time.
"A little to the left. No! No! MY left!" Rarity yelled at Rainbow. Rainbow was trying to put the decorative cloth over the top of the cart, and apparently it had to be placed 'perfectly'.
"Why does it have to be YOUR left? I think the way I put it on is fine!" Rainbow yelled back to her.
"Well you don't understand how this works! Just listen to me and everything will be finished up smoothly." Spike decided it would be best to let Rainbow and Rarity finish their arguing and cool off a bit before talking to them. He didn't want to make them even more frustrated than they already were, because they had a long way to travel. Hearing nothing but arguments for miles isn't the most fun thing in the world.
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Twilight was picking out book after book from her shelves before flipping through them and throwing them behind her. Books about dragons, monsters, living things, foreign creatures, and even myths and fantasies were slowly forming a mountain in the center of the library. 'Why isn't there any information on this type of dragon?' She asked herself. She noticed that the bookshelves were nearly cleared before she decided to take a break near the window, where she could clearly see Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy standing outside her door.
"Hey Twilight! Do you want a cupcake?" Twilight heard Pinkie yell from outside. "It's fresh and delicious!"
Twilight then opened up the door and found a large pink cupcake right in front of her face.
"Hiya Twilight! So do you want a cupcake now?" Pinkie asked.
"Maybe later Pinkie. Right now I need your help." Twilight said before levitating the letter from Princess Celestia toward her friends. "Here, read this."
After a minute or two of reading, Fluttershy spoke up. "I... um... I've never heard of a dragon like that. Do they... um... have any information written about them?"
"That is what I am trying to find out. Can you two help me look through these books and tell me if you find the dragon causing the problems?" Twilight asked before watching her friends nod their heads. "Great! I have a pile of books here and I need you to look through them. Spike is getting the rest of our friends and should be here shortly."
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Things were only getting worse at Sweet Apple Acres. Instead of calming down, Rarity and Rainbow were head-on with their arguments. Spike managed to get the attention of Applejack and tell her what was going on, but Rainbow and Rarity couldn't hear them over their voices. After many minutes of non-stop noise, he became incredibly fed up. He closed his eyes, opened his mouth, inhaled as much air as possible, and screamed.
"STOP FIGHTING! THERE IS ONLY ONE THING GOING ON RIGHT NOW THAT'S MORE IMPORTANT THAN FIGHTING OVER A CART IS WHAT TWILIGHT NEEDS YOU FOR! NOW PLEASE STOP ARGUING AND GO TO THE LIBRARY!"
That made everything extremely quiet. Rainbow and Rarity just looked at each other, looked at Applejack and Spike, and then silently began to walk to the library. Spike and Applejack followed, but they were just as quiet. They journey was pretty quick though, because eventually all of them broke their silence and talked with each other, and they made the decision to run to the library instead of walk.
When they got to the library loud banging noises could be heard. Inside Pinkie was scanning through the books at the speed of light and throwing the books behind her so Fluttershy could double-check. When she was done she passed them to Twilight so she could triple-check. She passed her books to back to Pinkie so the cycle of checking could continue. Spike opened the door to only have five seconds to duck. A loud smacking sound could be heard when one of Pinkie's books hit poor Spikes face. After a few seconds the book fell off of Spike and he fell over backwards. A few minutes of awkward silence followed.
"Okay, well all of us are here, but Spike is now passed out from Pinkie's book." Twilight said, breaking the silence. All five ponies glared at their hyperactive friend. "Opsie! I must have just timed it wrong. It was supposed to hit the door and fall down."
"Pinkie, you don't have to throw things that far across the room." Twilight said. "You just have to pass the books on. Oh well, let's get down to business."
Twilight showed each pony the letter from Celestia and explained that she couldn't find any information on the dragon. She also looked at Spike (who was still on the ground) and said she will leave him here. After all, it was safer.
"We must need the Elements of Harmony if a dragon like that can somehow defeat the Princesses." Rarity said. "Yeah but how did a dragon with that power even get through Equestria without bein' noticed?" Applejack asked the others. "Ah don't see how it's possible."
Twilight didn't notice that little piece of information until now. There were very powerful magic-detection spells all around each major city of Equestria. If the ponies of Canterlot and other nearby places just now noticed it was there, then it meant that it was much more powerful than anypony anticipated.
"Well then we have to hurry!" Rainbow yelled. "If we are going to take this thing down then we need to get there as fast as possible!"
"I think that we should get prepared." Twilight said to her friends. "This dragon is more powerful than we have ever seen. We need all of our Elements, food, water, camping gear, and weapons if we want to even try to get near it."
"I...um.. I don't want to use weapons Twilight. I don't want to hurt the poor dragon." Fluttershy nervously told her. "I don't like hurting other animals."
"Okay then. So we won't use weapons. Just our Elements and natural strength to get rid of it." Twilight told Fluttershy. "Now let's go and get ready. I fear this will be a hard fight."
-------------
The six ponies gathered their supplies and gear pretty quickly. All six stopped in front of the library with their saddlebags full of stuff.
"Okay girls, do you have everything you need?" Twilight asked. Each pony nodded their heads. "Alright, this journey will be pretty long. It's a good thing that we're all prepared. Sadly, the train isn't working right now. So I hope that everypony is prepared for the long journey ahead."
The ponies began to walk toward their destination on the map. They passed by many familiar landmarks, but it was mostly just empty land in front of them. They even had to camp right in the middle of nowhere. It took a long time, but they were finally near the place where the dragon was supposed to be.
"I can't wait to see what this dragon looks like!" Rainbow excitedly said. "I bet it will be awesome!"
"Well we might just see it now." Twilight said to her. "Look right there." She pointed her hoof to a spot on the field where the dragon was sleeping. It had black scales, two feet and a pair of wings. It had a long, spiky tail and back and all of the spikes were a grayish silver color. It had very visible wing spines that were as gray as the spikes. When the ponies got close to it, the dragon opened its piercing purple eyes and yawned. It had only a few teeth, and they were spaced far apart from each other. It stood up and looked at the six colorful ponies in front of it.
"It looks awesome!" Rainbow managed to say before Twilight stuck her hoof in Rainbows mouth.
"We don't want to make it angry." she quietly hissed. But it was too late. The dragon looked at all of them and spread its wings. There was a black, purple, and gray colored aura coming out of its wide wings. It then looked at the ponies and growled.
"Why do you creatures keep coming to me? I came here for a reason after Steve got rid of me from my world." The dragon said as its aura was starting to spread across the landscape and surrounded the ponies. "Why don't we start having fun now? You take his place, and I will wait in my world for you to get me. If you don't, well, you MIGHT be stuck forever. If you fight me, you MIGHT be free." The six ponies couldn't hear the dragon because of the loud whooshing noises surrounding them. "So long, my little ponies." the dragon said before his power teleported the six friends.
"It looks like I have some work to do." the dragon said after the ponies were gone. "It's about time I head back to the End Realm and take on the duties of the Enderman ruler. After all, I am the Ender Dragon."
As a first fic, this is a success.
Crossing Minecraft with ponies is not too easy. But you managed to form up a good start.
Good ol' Enderdragon, fooling 'round in Equestria.
I'm not going to do a grammar check, as I didn't see too much mistakes. Your grammar is good and readable.
But I'd like to say a single thing. Use colors for the flashback, maybe? Pink color for Pinkie's flashback? Cyan for Rainbow's if there is ever going to be one etc.
It may be hard to read or something like that but it certainly is better than CAPS-LOCKING it all over the story.
Example:
All in all, great job. I'll be stalking this one.
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Thanks! I appreciate your enthusiasm for this story and willingness to stalk it. I think it will be hard for me to do colors though, because I still don't understand this site too well. I think i'll fix it once I learn how, but I think I will just leave it how it is. Thank you for the support.
1336813
Well, you are the Author and it's up to you what your story looks like. I appreciate your opinion.
And no problem! Happy to help!
hmmmmm......... my account is theenderperson. tell me if when they teleport into minecraft if you want me to be in the story,the ya if you want a picture of my first skin i ever self made, you got it!
1337073
I'm sorry it took a while to respond. I appreciate your support and pretty good prediction skills, I don't really want to have any OCs or created charectors in this story. I just want Celestia, Spike, and the Mane 6 in this story. I love your help, but its not what I am going to do.
1338576as excpected. but this goes off good mate, and i only did that comment today so im ok!
nice job with the dragon, and making it so that the end is actually Equestria (I think that's right) and Steve managed to banish him there
1343631
You have pretty good prediction skills.
1343717 thanks
your offering shall suffice... for now.
MOAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Don't worry, I am currently working on the second chapter. (P.S Its called Taking Inventory, Getting Wood, and Benchmarking)
that was.... pretty lame.
after a pointless amount of gathering everyone together, they find the ender dragon and he goes "oh hello I'm going to send you to my world now for no reason whatsoever ok have fun bye" and poof.
Really nice plot there...
It looks like you have a decent story here. It just needs some editing:
Woah, huge blocks of text. How many line breaks did you put in there? Ten?
Also, 'flashback':
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/InvokedTrope
It shouldn't take 15 sentences to recall the prank, unless it affects the storyline ahead. Just for a Pinkie gag..
Ah well. It looks like you put quite a bit of effort in there, though. Crossing MLP with MC is probably hard to do, so good effort!
1544368
Thanks for the support! For the line breaks, I'm writing with indentation for paragrapghs. I know people seem to like to hit 'enter' twice after typing a paragraph, but I prefer the traditional style of writing. The flashback isn't too important, but some people who edited my first couple of chapters wanted to see what happened. And yes, it is pretty hard to write this because game cross-overs aren't that easy. Thanks for the support (I just realised I wrote that twice )!
YAAY MINECRAFT MLP CROSSOVER!!
If my oc was in this story she'd know how to defeat it
"non-stop argues"
I think you mean 'non-stop argument'
"She also looked at Spike (who still hasn't goten up)"
Well, the immediate mistake is that goten should be gotten (use Word or Office to correct spelling and grammar (it helps)). However, you also switched from past tense (looked) to present tense (hasn't) in the same sentence. This shouldn't be done. One of the ways to correct this would be 'She also looked at spike (who still hadn't gotten up).
A random piece of advice: Use more contractions. Unless a character is supposed to sound mechanical and/or monologue-ish, they should use contractions in almost every case (exceptions: emphasis, character reasons).
Overall though, I love the story, and the Enderdragon thing is pretty unique! I like Pinkie's characterization (appreciated the hiya), and I think you did a good job with all the rest, especially Applejack (It is hard to get the drawl down in type).
I'm liking this so far.
Occasional spelling issues make things difficult to immerse in sometimes.
Holy wall of text Batman! Are you aware you have to indent after each character is done speaking?
Found an error:
In one of the MLP episodes, didn't it say that there was no information on dragons?
There are a few errors in this chapter. But I'm too lazy to point them out. Just look for it or something.
It took me a while but then i realized what type of dragon it was.
I feel like you need more detail. The whole chapter feels rushed.
I couldn't even finish the chapter.
All of the characters seemed out of character, and it took away the whole story. It also seemed so stale and bland, you don't make your words flow like they could. Try to use contractions more, that can help.
But you really made everybody seem out of character.
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If you don't already know this, PiM is my very first story. I had absolutely no experience beforehand, so of course I messed up. I'm going to go back and re-write some of the early chapters because of the (few) complaints I'm getting. Now that I understand how to write better I'm going to make sure my work is better than it first was.
this is a great story, but a few things, the characters all speak a bit too much like twilight would and one typo. other then that, great story
2557694
Yeah, I'm going to rewrite the first couple of chapters (I never wrote anything beforehand other than short stories, so I was new). I'll fix any errors and make sure that everyone isn't OOC.
Hello. I'm Doctor Whom, and I will be your pro bono proofreader today. Lines starting with a greater-than sign are my suggested revisions.
This kind of disclaimer is unnecessary. First of all, FIMFiction already has a disclaimer. Secondly, if you're actually worried about getting in trouble, such a disclaimer can be used as an admission of guilt.
These should really be one sentence.
>…reading underneath the slightly cloudy sky, next to one of…
Also, "comfortably" should be "comfortable", and I'd avoid using "currently" in the past tense.
I don't know if you're doing these short sentences as a deliberate stylistic choice, but this reads awkwardly. Again, I'd suggest merging the sentences.
>holding a scroll that was held together by a red ribbon with a very familiar seal.
Also, the "on it" in the second sentence is unnecessary.
There should be a comma after "Hello" and the period after "Spike" should technically be a comma. Also, Spike's line reads awkwardly with the word "right" used twice. I'd suggest "Really nice weather, huh?" or something similar.
You've got a dangling participle here; it looks like "while breathing heavily" is modifying "give him a minute" when it's actually modifying "held up a claw". I'd suggest one of the following:
>Spike stopped next to Twilight and, breathing heavily, held up a claw to tell her to give him a minute.
>Spike stopped next to Twilight and held up a claw to tell her to give him a minute while he caught his breath.
Commas are used to show grammatically dictated pauses, not ones chosen by the speaker or caused by panting. The punctuation mark you're looking for is the ellipsis. Also, dialog tags aren't capitalized if they're part of the same sentence. Finally, "princess" shouldn't be capitalized unless it's used as a title; "the princess" isn't capitalized, but "Princess Celestia" is. However, I'll assume he was trying to say the latter, but was cut off when he collapsed. Therefore, this sentence should read as follows:
>"Letter… from… Princess…" he was able to say before falling over.
You have some faulty parallelism here; it switches from past participle to simple past tense, and should be changed to one of the following:
>that has destroyed a couple of buildings and given injuries
>that destroyed a couple of buildings and gave injuries
I believe the latter might technically be correct, but I would strongly suggest the former, because Celestia is describing the dragon's past actions with reference to its current state. If she had opened with "A strange, foreign dragon appeared in Canterlot…", I would have suggested the latter. As it is, the latter switches tenses and sounds more accusatory towards the dragon, and Celestia seems to be more neutrally stating the facts, so I'd suggest my first option.
Celestia seems oddly sure of this; the way it's worded, it seems as though she's saying that she knows for a fact that anything that she and Luna can't defeat can be defeated by the power of friendship. I'd suggest "If our powers cannot defeat it, then perhaps the power of friendship can." because the context makes it clear that the power of friendship is just Plan B.
You've mismatched your phrases here; "take" would go with "to get" and "before getting" would go with a verb that applies to her, such as "she would walk" or a similar one. I'd suggest one of the following:
>figured out that it would take about a day and a half to get to that spot
>figured out that it would be about a day and a half before she got to that spot
>figured out that she would have to walk for about a day and a half before getting to that spot
I'd suggest the former.
You have an extra "that" here.
Again, that second comma should be an ellipsis, and that period should be a comma.
Replace the commas with ellipses.
Is "Twilight replied" referring to the first quote or the second? If it's referring to the first, that first period should be a comma. If it's referring to the second, that second period should be a comma. If it's referring to both, both the first and second periods should be commas, and "You" shouldn't be capitalized.
The second half of the sentence can't refer back to the "It was" in the first half, because "was" is inside a contraction, and the second half can't reference just part of the contraction. You have to either separate the "was", or repeat it in the second half, thusly:
>It was not too far away, but still a little ways off.
>It wasn't too far away, but it was still a little ways off.
There should be a comma after "field" and the word "that" after "see".
>Out in the field, Spike could see that Applejack,
The "He noticed that" is unnecessary.
The "up" is extraneous.
Add a comma after "Hiya".
Add a comma after "later".
Change the period to a comma.
I'd suggest saying "their own voices".
This sentence is all jumbled up, but what you seem to be saying is this:
>THERE'S SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN FIGHTING OVER A CART GOING ON, AND TWILIGHT NEEDS YOUR HELP WITH IT!
You accidentally wrote "They" where you meant "The". Also, you should probably put a comma after "quick".
This should be "instead of walking" or "and not walk".
Add a comma after "library".
Add a comma after "Inside".
This section is from the perspective of Dash, Rarity, AJ, and Spike, who are just now seeing these books, and don't know they were specifically chosen, so there's no reason to use the definite article here; "the books" should be "some books" or just "books". It's also unnecessary to repeat the object of the sentence in the second half; the sentence would read more smoothly if you just said "and throwing them behind her".
Here, however, you should specify Fluttershy instead of using a pronoun straight away, because you've started a new sentence and Fluttershy wasn't the subject of the previous sentence. You could also combine the sentences, but I can't see a non-awkward way to do that.
See above. "She" should be "Twilight", or the two sentences should be combined something like this:
>so she could triple-check and pass her books to back to Pinkie
Split infinitives, while not technically incorrect, are often awkward and/or clunky. I'd suggest "opened the door to have only" or "opened the door and only had".
Missing apostrophe in "Spike's".
"Well" is an interjection in this sentence, and interjections are ♪generally set apart from a sentence by an exclamation point, or by a comma when the feeling's not as strong♪.
>Okay. Well, all of us are here
"[P]assed" is a past participle, so it goes with "has", not "is". Also, the sentence flows better if the "now" is moved before "Spike".
>but now Spike has passed out
Period should be a comma.
Ditto. Period should be a comma.
"[W]ill" is used to express the future in relation to the present; if this story were written in the present tense, "looks at Spike (who is still on the ground) and says she will leave him" would be correct. However, this is a past tense sentence, so the correct word is "would". Also, "here" isn't a direct quotation, so "here" isn't a direct quotation, so it doesn't refer to Twilight's location, it refers to the narrator's location. This is meaningless because this story uses a third person limited narrator, the narrator isn't an entity that is involved in be story, or even an entity that exists.
>looked at Spike (who was still on the ground) and said she would leave him there.
The period at the end of the quote should be a comma.
"Yeah" is an interjection; add a comma. You know the drill. Also, this should be the start of a new paragraph, because a different character is talking.
More tense troubles. This is a past tense story, so this part of the sentence should be in the pluperfect.
>Twilight hadn't noticed that
This is a past tense story, so "now" should be "then" or "that moment".
"[E]ach" is singular, and doesn't agree with "spells", so you should say one of the following:
>There was a very powerful magic-detection spell around each major city of Equestria.
>There were very powerful magic-detection spells around all of the major cities of Equestria.
I also removed "all" from "all around", because its redundant. If you want to emphasize that it goes all the way around, try "surrounding".
The noticing has already happened, so you need the pluperfect.
>If the ponies of Canterlot and other nearby places had just now noticed it
The "now" is fine here, because it's more or less a direct quotation of Twilight's thoughts.
Again, pluperfect. It should say "than anypony had anticipated".
There's a comma missing, but where it goes depends on the meaning of this slightly ambiguous sentence. Is "Well then" being used as a unit, or is "then" in reference to an unstated beginning of the sentence, such as "If that's the case, then…"? If it's the former, you should put a comma after "then" (or even put a comma, and capitalize "we"). If it's the latter, it goes after "Well".
The period should be a comma.
There should be a space after the first ellipsis, and the second ellipsis is missing a dot.
>"I… um… I don't want
"Twilight" is clarifying whom Fluttershy is addressing here, so it should be separated by a comma.
>to use weapons, Twilight.
You know the drill by now. A period at the end of a quotation that doesn't end a sentence becomes a comma.
Same here. Quotation, period comma, yadda yadda yadda.
Just a tip, but you don't have to repeat the number in the second sentence. In fact, you don't need two sentences. Also, if you say six characters do something, the "all" is implied.
Again, "Each" is singular.
>Each pony nodded her head
>The ponies all nodded their heads
"So" is a conjunction here. Conjunctions join sentences, so I don't see why you have two separate sentences.
>Sadly, the train isn't working right now, so I hope that everypony is prepared for the long journey ahead
>Sadly, the train isn't working right now. I hope that everypony is prepared for the long journey ahead
This whole paragraph has been "They did X" and "They did Y", and now you suddenly have "They were Z". I'd suggest changing it to "they finally approached".
"Well" is an interjection. You know what to do.
You probably know what I'm about to say. The period should be a comma.
This is more a case of personal taste, but I prefer the Oxford comma.
>It had black scales, two feet, and a pair of wings.
Add a comma after "back" to break up the sentence. Also, "grayish silver" is redundant.
You missed the apostrophe in "Rainbow's".
I'll let you take a guess at what the period inside those quotation marks should be.
HINT: It rhymes with "llama".
Replace the period with a comma, and uncapitalize "the".
Also, his name is "Steve?", not "Steve".
Another random change in verb tense. Change "was starting" to "started".
Oy, shut the hell up, you snobbish bastard!!! You "critics" just float around fimfiction.net looking for authors with real talent and integrity and joylessly rant on against their good works!!!
P.S. I hope you experience the most cruel and inhumane death in the history of the Earth...
Doctor Whom, you are the biggest prick the world has ever known. Quit trolling, man. In a videogame, I could care less, but this is real life. Just go buck yourself and leave us alone.
You so-called "critics" are all heartless jerks who probably have crappy lives and vent your anger and sadness into the internet. I feel for you, but go see a counselor or something, just don't troll.
#dundundun
I hope everyone's okay
ok didnt expect the ender dragon to talk
3800366
Wow a bit much?
2952010
Most people can ignore a few errors if the story's good enough. I'll admit that the grammar isn't the best, but that doesn't justify going all Twilight-level OCD on it.
I would probably put in why the train isn't working, like it's under repair after the Ender Dragon wrecked it, or is just getting remodeled...? Either way, I feel it'll add a bit more to the story.
10435153
I get that suggestions are rad and all, bur I made this when I was like 12/13, I'm 20 now, I'm not comin back to this like ever. I'm only still active to read other fics and catch comments like these so ppl may someday check the last updated date.
I love it.