The Mare Who Knew Too Little

by Alabenson

The Cockatrices

“It w-was so h-horrible,” Fluttershy sobbed as Natural Harmony tried to comfort her friend as best she could. “I know they were a burglar, but they didn’t deserve—”

“Fluttershy, there was nothing you could have reasonably done,” Natural Harmony said. “No matter where you put that snake, if a burglar was ransacking your room, they’d have run into it eventually. It’s not like you could have put a sign up or something to warn him off, either. Odds are, that would have just gotten him to bother the snake even faster because he’d think you were hiding something.”

“I…I guess you’re right, but still…” Fluttershy sniffled as she tried to hold back another bout of sobbing.

“Hey, I know. Why don’t we head back to the zoo? WE can get your snake someplace where they won’t hurt anypony else, and I can show you some of our other exhibits? I think an afternoon of seeing a bunch of rare creatures is just what you need to take your mind off things. What do you say? I bet if we hurry, we can make it to the zoo’s nursery in time for the lunchtime feedings,” Natural Harmony added cajolingly.

“The nursery? With all the cute little baby critters getting hoof and bottle fed because they’re too tiny to feed themselves?” Fluttershy asked, perking up a bit.

“Well, I don’t know if tiny would really describe Harry, our baby rhinoceros, he’s nearly as big as you are. He still needs to be bottle fed, though…” Natural Harmony looked at Fluttershy, who’s eyes were now practically sparkling with excitement. “Alright then, let’s head out just as soon as I talk to the guard to let them know what’s going on. I’m sure they’re just as eager to get that snake someplace safe as you are.” As Natural Harmony rushed off to find the head guard, she paid little attention to the crowds of onlookers surrounding the hotel entrance trying to see what the fuss was all about. One particular onlooker, however, was paying very close attention to her as she had a hushed conversation with one of the guards.

“Son pony is headed back to zoo now?” Hired Muscle muttered to himself as he tried to parse the snippets of conversation he was able to make out. “Is good. Zoo has many good ways of cleaning up mess after smashing.”

*********

Sometime later, an extended period of cooing over the sight of small (and occasionally no so small) animals being hoof fed bits of fruit and bottles of milk seemed to have worked wonders for Fluttershy’s nerves.

“Thank you so much for that! I was just so tangled up inside, but baby critters really have a way of helping me feel like everything’s going to be alright,” Fluttershy said, her eyes still glued to a baby wombat munching on a pile of food pellets.

“Well, I’m glad to hear it. Are you sure you’re going to be alright, though?” Natural Harmony asked. “That was a really nasty scene you walked into, after all. I’d understand if you needed to cut your visit short and head back home or something.” Fluttershy immediately shuddered at her recollection of her hotel room, before quickly regaining her composure and shaking her head.

“It might be a little early for me to say that I’m over it, exactly, but I think I’ll be alright. Thinking about it, you were probably right when you said that there wasn’t anything that I could have done. These sorts of things are tragic, but that’s just how nature can be sometimes. I guess things have just gotten so peaceful in Ponyville that I’d forgotten that a little.”

“Well, if you are feeling a bit better, why don’t I show you around some of our other exhibits?” Natural Harmony said as she tried to avoid thinking too hard about Fluttershy’s use of ‘Ponyville’ and ‘peaceful’ in the same sentence. “I’d really love to get your opinion on some of the enclosures we have for the magical creatures native to the Everfree Forest. Since you basically live right next to it and all.”

“Oh, that does sound interesting. What kinds of creatures do you have here?” Fluttershy asked.

“Well, we have a full pride of manticores, they’re pretty well situated. We’ve been having a little more trouble with our timberwolves. We’re trying to introduce a new member to the pack, and that’s always a little touch and go. And, aside from those…” Natural Harmony continued to list off the magical creatures housed at the zoo as a looming figure watched her leave with Fluttershy from the corner of the room.

Strong Armer had always said the secret to stealth was to look like you belonged wherever it was you were. For a pony like Hired Muscle, who stood out almost no matter where they were, such advice was of limited utility. That said, Hired Muscle had developed his own technique when it came to infiltration jobs. He had found that if you were sufficiently large and intimidating, and otherwise avoided drawing undue attention to yourself, then ponies would very pointedly avoid noticing you. The general hope being that either you really were supposed to be wherever you were, or if you weren’t, then dealing with you would be somepony else’s problem. Thus, nopony raised any alarm when the unusually large and grumpy-looking volunteer silently followed Natural Harmony and her friend into the back hallways of the zoo.

Much to Hired Muscle’s frustration, the next hour was spent watching his targe be agonizingly close to vulnerable, without there ever being an actual opening for him to attack. Every time he thought he could approach her, some unwanted witness would come trotting out a door or around a corner. Patience had never been Hired Muscle’s strong suit, and it was only the knowledge that failure would likely be fatal that kept him from throwing caution to the wind and simply charging his quarry. Hired Muscle finally thought he saw his chance, however, when the pegasus followed her friend into a particularly large enclosure, and right as they entered, he caught an especially tantalizing bit of dialog.

“—probably the largest enclosure we have right now. We’re still letting them get comfortable, so we don’t have it open for visitors, but in the meantime, we’re trying to socialize them as much as possible…”

A nice, big enclosure with plenty of places to stash a body or two, and no pesky audience to witness anything. It was exactly wat the doctor ordered. Hired Muscle watched the two mares enter the door into the habitat and counted down from ten before following them inside. Beyond the door, Hired Muscle found himself standing in a dimly-lit, faux-pine forest. Through the fake trees, Hired Muscle could see that the far wall was a mass of curiously tinted glass, presumably to prevent the enclosure’s inhabitants from realizing they were being watched. Had Hired Muscle not overheard that the exhibit was closed the one-way glass would have unnerved him, but as it was it was just another unimportant detail he noted as he scanned the area for his targets. It didn’t take long for Hired Muscle to spot Fluttershy several yards away through the trees. Fluttershy and her friend had their backs to Hired Muscle as they bent down over whatever creature the enclosure had been built for, though between the trees and the mares Hired Muscle couldn’t quite make out what it was. Regardless, whatever the creature was was unimportant. Hired Muscle had a job to do, and he swiftly began moving towards his target with murderous intent, only to step down on a dry twig while he was still too far away to rush them. As the two mares turned around, Hired Muscle threw himself behind some nearby bushes in an effort to hide.

“Did you hear something?” Fluttershy asked as she peered into the faux woodlands of the enclosure.

“It’s probably just one of the other members of the flock lurking about, checking on what’s going on,” Natural Harmony said. “I wouldn’t worry too much about it. None of them will be aggressive as long as I’m here with you. I mean, not unless they sensed you were trying to hurt me or something, anyway.” The two friends shared a brief laugh at the absurdity of this before turning their attention back to the creature pecking the ground at their hooves.

Hired Muscle, meanwhile, began to pull himself upright once he heard Fluttershy and her friend lost interest in the unexpected noise. “Enough sneaking,” Hired Muscle thought to himself. “It would be better if I were closer, less chance of one of them making noise, but if I move quickly, I should still be able to rush them. May be messier than I would like, but is better to have this over with. I can always be finding sample after I am done, will be tricky, but is problem for future self to deal with.” Hired Muscle’s thoughts were briefly interrupted by a rustling sound coming from the bush he was hiding behind, before a chicken appeared to poke its head out mere inches away from his. The unexpected avian glared at Hired Muscle with a strangely vicious expression on its features, and for some inexplicable reason Hired Muscle found himself unable to tear his eyes ways from its gaze. As Hired Muscle felt himself fall into a deep trance, he never even noticed that the ‘chicken’s’ body was far more reptile than poultry as it slithered out from the bushes.

*********

“I just can’t believe you have a whole flock of cockatrices that are safe to handle,” Fluttershy said as she stroked the plump cockatrice hen in front of her. “I can handle the ones in the Everfree Forest alright, but I’ve never been able to get any of them to behave for anypony else.”

“Well, I wouldn’t exactly call the ones we have here tame,” Natural Harmony cautioned. “It took a long time to trigger nesting instincts in Medusa here, and she keeps the rest of the flock in line enough for our keepers to maintain everything safely. That said, it really wouldn’t be good if anypony else wandered in here without an escort. We’ve actually been thinking about installing a statue or two in here just to scare off any guests who might be thinking of doing something stupid.”

“I don’t know, doesn’t that seem a little…”

“Morbid? Yeah, I know, but I’d rather spook a few ponies than risk having to try and de-stone them later…hold on, it looks like somepony may have already gone ahead and put a statue in here.” Fluttershy followed Natural Harmony’s gaze to a spot several yard back, where she could just make out the sight of grey stone poking out behind some bushes.

“You don’t think that could be…?” Fluttershy asked in horror.

“Nah, there’s no way that’s an actual petrified pony. Nopony would be back here except the other zookeepers, and I haven’t heard of anypony going missing recently. Still, we should probably take a look just to be on the safe side.” The two mares moved forward, rustling in the bushes nearby indicating the presence of several other cockatrices in the area. “Don’t worry about the rest of the flock, Medusa here is the alpha hen and none of the other cockatrices will bother us as long as she’s nearby. And…yup, definitely looks like somepony put a statue in here. It looks like a real good quality one, too.” Natural Harmony moved aside so Fluttershy could see the petrified form of Hired Muscle.

“And you’re really sure that isn’t…”

“Not a chance, there’s nopony at the zoo who looks anything like this. Plus, look at the way its posed, like the pony was trying to sneak through the forest when they ran into a cockatrice. No, somepony set this up to add ambiance to the enclosure. Now come on, I really want to hear what you have to say about our manticore cave.”

*********

“And we’ve completely lost contact with both of them?” Convoluted Plan asked as his intern stood at rigid attention in front of his desk.

“Not exactly, sir. We’ve been able to confirm through multiple sources that Strong Armer is deceased, but we haven’t been able to find Hired Muscle anywhere. It seems he vanished completely the day after Strong Armer’s passing. We can keep trying to locate him, but…” Convoluted Plan cut him off with a wave of his hoof.

“We can worry about dealing with Hired Muscle later. Our priority is retrieving the sample.”

“There is some good news on that front, sir. It appears that Strong Armer was able to identify La Mariposa prior to being killed. We can have other agents sent out to intercept her once you give the word.”

“So, Strong Armer did manage to do something right, after all,” Convoluted Plan said. “Have a message sent to this La Mariposa inviting her to that spa we have outside of the city, Gentle Seasons or whatever. Code it to make it sound like we want to talk, the usual cloak and dagger nonsense. When she gets there, make sure our agents are waiting. And, let them know there’s a five hundred-thousand-bit bonus to whoever deals with her. Permanently.”

Comments

[StarzGecko]

Rip Heavy… I would think they would get a unicorn to spell check his statue just in case or at least the animals tell Fluttershy. I guess no pony will be able to catch Fluttershy

[Scyphi]

A nice, big enclosure with plenty of places to stash a body or two, and no pesky audience to witness anything. It was exactly wat the doctor ordered.

Well, no, not exactly, considering doctors generally order things that'll perserve the patient's life, not jeopardize it greatly. At this rate, Fluttershy will have all of these bad guys beat simply by obliviously luring them into situations where they get themselves bumped off.

"That said, it really wouldn’t be good if anypony else wandered in here without an escort."

You don't say.

“And we’ve completely lost contact with both of them?” Convoluted Plan asked as his intern stood at rigid attention in front of his desk.

Well, you know, one's dead...the other might as well be dead...

[SparklingTwilight]

11473876

The premise isn't that original,

What literature/movies are similar?
I am aware of "The Man Who Knew Too Little"/"Watch That Man", "Murder Mystery" (Possibly adjacent), and "Date Night". Are there more in this genre that I am missing? If so, please share!

To the author:
Best wishes with this amusing spoof!

[Elderlichlord]

“Well, no, not exactly, considering doctors generallyorder things that'll perserve the patient's life, not jeopardize it greatly. At this rate, Fluttershy will have all of these bad guys beat simply by obliviously luring them into situations where they get themselves bumped off. ”

Perhaps the doctor in question was more of a Doctor Frankenfurter type doctor