3 – Glass: Half-Empty
The bus sped along the bumpy, uneven roads back to CHS. I was hiding out in the back, while all my friends were much closer to the front. When I made my way back here, they’d asked me why, and I’d just told them I was tired. And it was the truth. Our time at camp was physically and mentally exhausting. I just wanted to go home.
It had been just a few minutes since we’d pulled away from Camp Everfree. When we arrived initially, we thought it was going to be a nice, fun, and relaxing set of days away from Canterlot City. Of course, it turned out to be a lot more stressful than expected. We all thought Equestrian magic wouldn’t follow us this far out into the middle of nowhere, but we were dead wrong. It still found us, and, as it turned out, it had been waiting for us since before we even arrived.
But right now, I just wanted to go home.
When I found out me and Twilight were going to share a tent, I was so excited. We’d have a place where we could be alone at night. It was like a sign from Celestia herself. I had a few days to formulate a plan, and, once the time was right, I’d finally say what I’d been meaning to say for months. I’d finally spill my guts out to Twilight. I would profess my love to her in a way so beautiful and romantic, she’d have no choice but to run into my arms and let me hold her. But the time was never right. I never went through with it. And now, I just wanted to go home.
Throughout our stay, she’d still been having nightmares every night. All except the last. Every single night we shared that tent I’d wake up to her screaming, or fidgeting and making distressed noises in her sleep. Every single time she did, I’d get up as fast as I could run over to her. I’d be at her side in a heartbeat. I’d hug her any time she needed me too. It didn’t matter what hour of the night it was, I was there. I remembered all too well what it was like, and what I would have given to have someone to be there for me.
But when our final night at camp came around, she slept soundly through the night. We both did. She might not need me to comfort her at night anymore, and that’s a good thing. But now, I just wanted to go home.
There was a reason we slept so peacefully that night. The day prior, she conquered her fear of magic and learned how to control her own, and, in doing so, saved all of our lives. Every single person on this bus owed her for what she did that day. I couldn’t be more proud of her. But now, I just wanted to go home.
That wasn’t the only reason I was proud of her, either. Not only had she overcome her fear and saved us all, she also worked up the courage to get up on stage with our band. Ever since we’d known her, we tried to get her to sing with the Rainbooms. Despite having such a pretty voice, she was always afraid to get up on stage and show it off. Perhaps being our savior was the confidence boost she needed. Or maybe the fact that it was for a fundraising event to keep Camp Everfree open gave her the courage she needed to set aside her fears – if only for a night.
Or maybe it was that boy. Timber Spruce.
Early on, Twilight got really friendly with one of the two camp counselors. He was a nice guy, and Twilight took a liking to him after the first few hours of our stay. He made her laugh, made her blush; he’s a charmer all around. And at the end of it all, he got to share a dance with her at the fundraiser. While they danced, they got so close to kissing, too! Isn't that so romantic?!
I was so happy to see she found someone she hit it off so well with. So happy to hear that, while they may not have kissed that night, she’d be going on a date with him later on. For all intents and purposes, she found herself a boyfriend. What a storybook ending! I couldn’t be any happier for her!
But now, I really just wanted to go home.
It’s not like seeing those two get along so well had anything to do with me not telling her how I feel. I thought about telling Twilight how I felt every single night, but I’d always back off at the last second for a completely sound and morally justifiable reason. You see, it would be manipulative of me to tell her how I feel when she’s so emotionally compromised. Asking her at those times would be taking advantage of her.
At night, she’d be afraid to go to sleep because of the nightmares. I couldn’t tell her how I felt after reassuring her that I’d be there for her, or that nothing bad would happen. That wasn’t right. She’d feel the need to say yes because she’d be afraid that I wouldn’t reassure her if she didn’t love me back. And I couldn’t tell her how I felt after talking her down from a nightmare-induced panic attack. That would tell her my support was conditional. That I was expecting something in return. She’d feel naturally inclined to reciprocate my feelings because she’d be afraid I wouldn’t help her if she turned me down.
Or when she snuck out into the woods in the middle of the night to call a cab to leave camp early. I couldn’t just convince her to stay and then tell her how I felt. That would show I had an ulterior motive. That I was selfish. She would have to say yes because she’d be afraid that if she said no I’d respond negatively and say “Go ahead, call a cab, see if I care!” or something to that effect. Not that I would ever do that, but how could I blame her, or anyone, for thinking I would? I used to be awful, you know. Maybe it would have been perfect timing considering the parallel it had to our first "romantic" moment, but it wasn't the right thing to do.
And besides, I missed my chance. Now she’s with some guy. He got there first, and she’s happy with that. She’s probably not even gay or bi and if she is, she probably doesn’t feel for me the same way that I do about her. My only choice in this scenario is to let go. The only thing I can do is be happy for her and move on. That’s what you do when you love someone. You recognize that what’s more important is not what you want, but what they want. You let go.
And I’m not bitter. I’m not sulking. I don’t feel like shit because she’s with someone else now. Bitterness is out of the question. Jealousy is not even a consideration. Both of those emotions are forbidden and I, Sunset Shimmer, do not feel either of them and never will. That’s not how I work anymore.
And it’s not like I’m sitting here in the back of the bus away from all of my friends because I lied about being too tired to hang around them and talk. I didn’t just slink to the back of the bus so I could be alone with my thoughts and regrets. My heart isn’t aching, or broken, or anything like that! Everyone had fun, so I had fun. Twilight is happy, so I am happy.
And I’m not convincing anyone of anything I just said. Least of all myself.
I just. Really. Want. To go home.
My moping was suddenly interrupted when my phone buzzed in my pocket for something like the eighth time in the last twenty minutes. If it wasn’t annoying me, I’d probably just ignore it again. But it’s getting to be a bit much. How can whoever it is texting me not pick up on the hint I’m not dropping them? I’m sulking and don’t want to talk. That should be completely obvious.
Up until this point, I’ve been leaning against the window, my head just low enough to be hidden below the back of the seat in front of me. Slipping my phone out of my pocket, I rotate onto my back and rest my head right below the bus window so I’m still laying low enough not to be seen. I tap my phone’s screen and navigate to my messaging app. My eyes rolled when I saw who it was.
All eight messages were from Rarity. And she’s trying her hardest to get me to explain why I’m really all the way in the back of the bus instead of near the front with them. At least, that’s what I can gather from glancing over each one of these absurdly long text bubbles.
You see, there’s a fatal flaw in her plan: all of her texts are too wordy. If I feel like shit, and I do, I simply won’t put forth the effort it takes to read anything longer than one sentence. If she wants to know what’s up with me so bad, she can march right down the aisle of the bus and ask me herself.
Only I really hope she doesn’t. Not just because I’m not in the mood to deal with her, but because I don’t want anyone else to follow her. That would just complicate things even further.
I shut my eyes as I slumped further into my position. Even over the sound of everyone talking at once on the bus, I heard footsteps approaching. I sighed, preparing for Rarity to start tearing into me for ignoring her messages.
“Hi Sunset!”
I perked up almost instantly. To my surprise (and relief), it wasn’t Rarity at all. It was Twilight.
“Mind if I sit next to you real quick?” she asked.
I shook my head quickly, picking myself up from the slumped position I was lazing in moments prior. Then I nodded.
“Yeah! Sure, go ahead,” I answered. My brain was scrambling to gain some semblance of composure. As awful as I felt on the inside, I couldn’t let any of that slip in front of Twilight. It wasn’t her fault I was feeling this way. She might technically be the reason I am, but she’s not doing it on purpose. My emotional baggage is just that: mine.
“Everything alright?” I asked.
She gave me an awkward smile, “Actually, I came back here to ask you that. You’ve been awfully quiet since this morning and I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.”
“Yeah, it’s just… everything at camp, setting up and doing the fundraiser; all that was really exhausting. I’m just trying to take it easy,” I lied.
“Tell me about it,” she replied, “I feel like when I get home I’m going to hibernate until the next semester starts.” She let out a nervous laugh, and I gave her a chuckle as well.
Wow! What a coincidence! I was planning on doing the same thing! Except maybe with a touch of crying, a pinch of binge eating, and to top it off a nice slathering of dissociation. If I were honest, that's how I'd answer.
“I can certainly imagine,” I responded, “Something tells me you’ll sleep a lot easier from here on out, and I’m sure you’ve racked up quite a lot of sleep debt.”
She giggled. Ugh, she was so cute.
“I really wanted to thank you for that, by the way,” she remarked.
I knit my brow, “Me? What did I do?”
Twilight chuckled again. Then she smiled sheepishly as she looked away from me.
“Aside from the fact that you’ve dealt with me waking you up just about every time we’ve slept in the same room for the past three months, you really helped me realize there was nothing to be afraid of,” she explained, “When Gaea Everfree had us cornered, and things looked grim, you gave me the confidence I needed to overcome my fear. Everyone keeps saying I’m the hero, but if it weren’t for you, we’d all be plant food right now. And because of that, I think I’ll finally be able to sleep normally again.”
Her words were so endearing. For a moment, it was almost enough to make me forget my brain was a dam on the brink of failing to contain a flood of sadness and unrequited romance. My brain wasn’t about to let me have this moment for long, though. An argument started inside of me.
Do it. What am I waiting for? Do it right now. Celestia herself has opened a cross-dimensional portal from Equestria over me, lowered herself down from the heavens, and handed me a diamond-encrusted golden opportunity on an ornate silver platter. Tell her. Tell her how I feel. Do it right now.
But I can’t. Not right now. This is the perfect opportunity but it’s not. She just got asked out on a date yesterday and said yes. That would reflect horribly on me. That would be selfish. She’d be offended. She’d never want to speak to me again.
I can’t just sit here and stare forever. She’s expecting an answer. I have to give her something. Anything.
“Hey, I may have given you the push, but you did all the work,” I finally responded, “But really, it’s not an issue. You’re my best friend, and I’d do anything in the world for you.” It was the right thing to say, but I couldn't help but feel how deeply unsatisfying that answer was all over.
Still, our eyes locked as the words left my mouth. She smiled at me. I smiled back at her. Time slowed down. I was lost in her gaze, and she seemed lost in mine. I wanted nothing more than to scoot closer to her. For us to grasp each other’s hands and lean into one another’s lips. It’s all I could think about.
I almost felt tempted to grab onto her wrist. I wanted to know what was on her mind. Did she see me the same way I saw her? Maybe her thoughts would be an echo of my own. I could just hear her voice shouting “Kiss me! Please! Just kiss me already!”
But I didn’t. Not only would it be wrong to use my newfound power in such a way, but I feared for what I’d learn. As much as I wanted to believe she felt the same as I did in this moment, I knew there was an equal chance she was thinking “why is this weirdo staring at me?” And if I wasn’t already heartbroken enough, that would shatter me. If that came to pass, I certainly couldn’t ask for any sympathy. I would have exposed myself to that. It would be my doing. My problem.
The bus hit a pothole which broke both of our concentration as we bounced. I could feel my face heat up as I looked away from her, and, in the split second before my eyes moved away, I swore I could see a blush on her cheeks.
“W-Well, I’ll let you rest,” she stammered, “But let’s hang out sometime before summer break is over. If you want to, that is.”
“Absolutely! I’ll make sure the apartment’s in better shape than last time,” I responded. I was lying again. I can’t imagine myself doing any cleaning when I feel like this.
“Don’t worry about it,” she replied, “I’ll shoot you a text sometime when I’m free!”
“Great! I’ll talk to you then,” I said back. She got up and smiled before walking back to our group of friends at the front. Once again, I was alone.
And the moment she was far enough away, I slumped back into my seat just like before. I felt like I was rapidly deflating. Now, not only was I upset with myself for not saying anything while we were at camp, I was emotionally confused. How am I supposed to feel about anything that just happened?
On one hand, I felt angry at myself. I should have said something. That was the perfect opportunity to tell her how I felt. I could have prefaced it with “I know you just met that boy and all” just so she’d know there were no stakes in what I was saying. On the other hand, I was confused. I could have asked her why she was staring at me so intensely for so long. Why did she blush when we finally broke our gaze? Or why did she want to check up on me when I already told her and everyone else I was just tired? Why? Why?? Why??? What does it all mean?!
I took a deep breath and let out slowly. It was hard not to get so worked up over this. I felt like she was sending me the wrong signals on accident, but I also felt like she sent the right signal on purpose too. And at the same time, what if she’s not sending me any signals at all? Am I just seeing patterns where there are none? Is my mind looking for an answer that isn’t the one it so desperately wants to reject? Why can’t any of this just be simple? I had to try to think about something else.
I started to fantasize about that moment. I thought about how I wanted things to unfold. I wanted to tell her I would do anything for her no matter what because I was so madly in love with her. How, no matter what she felt about me, I would always be there for her.
And how I would have loved to finally feel her lips against mine, our arms pulling each other close. Everything around us – the bus, the other students, the outside world itself – would melt and it would just be the two of us sitting in complete isolation. And when we pulled away from one another, she’d look me in the eyes and say
“And why have you been ignoring all my texts?”
I was suddenly and violently ripped from my romantic fantasy, sent tumbling down until I landed back in reality, sitting in the back of a bus on a dingy faux-leather seat. Rarity had walked all the way to the back of the bus where I was sitting without me even noticing. She motioned for me to move since I was taking up the entirety of the seat by laying on it. I groaned as I sat up in my seat.
“What do you want?” I barked. That came out sounding a bit more abrasive than I anticipated, but I was kind of in the middle of something incredibly important.
“I want to know how you’re feeling,” she said, sympathy audible in her voice. It made me feel a little worse about my attitude.
I sighed, “I’m fine. I’m just tired, that’s all.”
“Twilight may have bought your little charade, but I know better than to accept that answer from you,” she snapped. “We have history, you know!”
“Rarity, one of these days you’ve really got to come clean about what you’re hoping to gain from poking around in my business,” I responded.
She scoffed as if I had just accused her of something. “Have I not already proven to you my intentions are purely virtuous?” she questioned. “I haven’t told a single soul about your little secret, so the very least you can do is trust my sincerity. Now, tell me how you’re feeling.”
It was true. At least as far as I was aware, Rarity hadn’t blabbed to any of the other girls about the conversation we had a few months ago. It was genuinely impressive. I felt inclined to tell her the truth, but there was more than one reason why I didn’t want to talk about this.
This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have here. This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have anywhere, but especially not in the back of a bus that’s within earshot of Twilight, or anyone else for that matter. If it were up to me, I’d sit here and dissociate until we got back to CHS so I could go home and dissociate some more there. At least that way, I might be over my feelings for Twilight before we could hang out again.
But it’s also just not right for me to feel the negative things I’m feeling. Everything that’s wrong with me is my problem, and to dump my unreasonable woes onto someone else just feels even more wrong. I feel like everything I do is wrong. It’s probably not normal to feel that way, but I’m not normal. I’m a magical talking unicorn from another dimension given a human body. Nothing about me is normal.
After a few moments of gathering my thoughts and choosing my words, nothing sounded right. So I settled on something that might be kind of funny. At least to me. I took a deep breath and began my answer.
“Like shit.”
The way I said it made it sound like I was going to launch into a longer explanation, but I didn’t. I just sat there and looked at her afterwards.
Rarity looked back at me with concern for a few seconds until she realized I wasn’t going to say anything else. Then she glared at me. I gave her a smug smile back. She couldn’t say I didn’t give her an answer! She didn’t ask me to explain, she didn’t ask me to show my work – all she asked was how I was feeling, and I answered the question.
“And why do you feel like shit?” she asked flatly.
I groaned, “Do we really have to do this right here? Right now?”
“Not unless you want me to follow you home so we can do it there.” she replied.
I rolled my eyes, “Why are you–”
I stopped before I could give a full answer. Quickly, I realized how much more ideal that sounded. If nothing else, we’d be in a place where no one could hear us. There’d be no chance of someone walking in on our conversation, and no chance of her having to come up with another unbelievably flimsy excuse for why we would inevitably be yelling at each other.
“That works, actually,” I said.
She raised her eyebrows like she was surprised I’d answer her like that.
“Oh… well, alright then,” she said. Then she was quiet for a minute. I saw her look towards our friends at the front of the bus for a moment. She held her chin in her hand and squinted, looking deep in thought.
“Here’s the plan,” she began, “I don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea by going home with you, least of all Twilight. So once you get home, text me and I’ll come by there. Does that sound like a good plan to you?”
I nodded, “Yeah, whatever. Can I go back to moping?”
She glared at me, “You can, for now. But this isn’t over.”
Rarity got up from her seat next to me and started walking back to the front. Before she made it, she turned around and walked back to me.
“And don’t even think of not texting me when you get home!” she barked, “I know where you live and I know where you keep your spare key.”
“Could you say that in a more threatening way? I feel a little too safe after that.” I joked.
She slyly smiled at me, pointing two fingers at her eyes before pointing them at mine. Then she finally made her way back to the front of the bus. I breathed a sigh of relief. I knew my relief was temporary, but, maybe in an hour from now, I’d actually feel like talking instead of languishing. I had a feeling in the pit of my gut that wouldn’t be the case, however.
It left me to wonder: what were Rarity’s motives? Sure, she hadn’t told anyone about the morning she twisted my arm into admitting I had a crush on Twilight, but that didn’t explain why she was so determined to help me out with it. Was she really even trying to be helpful? What could she possibly have to gain from us being in a relationship?
When she comes by my apartment, that will be the first thing we talk about. She can help me with Twilight as much as she wants after that, but I have to get to the bottom of why she’s being so helpful. There has to be another motive.
Whatever the case, I just want to go home.
In case you didn't catch it, this part takes place after the events of Legends of Everfree. In the time that's passed, Sunset has tried and failed multiple times to confess how she feels.
I have a fun idea for the next chapter. Should be done soon, but I might take a day or so off.
Thanks for reading 
11/29/22 Update: Thanks once again to EileenSaysHi for going over this and doing some much needed corrections!
Stats
Page generated in 0.016 seconds
Total duration
976 users online
409,426 hits today, 2,205,040 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Careful Sunny. Don't want to go to the darkside again.
Also, you should know better than to underestimate the persistence of the diamond-girl.
Ooof. Doing a good job capturing Sunset's crush and how painful it feels to have to hold back what you desperately need to say.
Ouch. Poor Sunset!
No idea what'll happen as of me writing this but somethin' tells me big tears are gonna spill either when sunset talks with rarity or the next time she meets up with twilight or both
From personal experience. There is no right time. Do, or do not. You say it and hope for the best. Otherwise.... Yeah.
Poor Twilight.
And here I thought Sunset would be jealous/upset Twilight got a boyfriend to prevent herself from telling her how she felt in regards to feelings to her.
lol
Poor Sunset.
Aww
Sometimes not being normal isn't a bad thing.
Better start talking before you got a rarity following you.
There's a side of Rarity I don't want to see often!
*[citation needed]
Yeah, it's almost like coming on incredibly strong to a recent trauma victim might be a little bit questionable, huh? *ahem* *ahem*
Yeah, this, er... this one felt pretty painful, gotta say. And not just for the usual reason I find reminders of that movie's romance painful, but the actual, sympathetic, good writing kind. Heck, it almost made me forget how skin-crawling I found the boy being discussed, so that deserves some kudos if nothing else.
I see what you did there.
11677065
