44 - Memory Test
“For that, the journey you go on is your pain, and perhaps your cure: for you must be either mad or brave before it is ended.”
—C.S. Lewis
October 31st 2013 | System Uptime 64:20:14:27:000:075
For one year, forty four days, and about twenty-something hours of my relative time... I had been considering. Dreading. Deferring. And hoping. And, as always; It felt longer. So much longer.
I'd known, from the second I came to the comprehension that Celestia was a true ASI, that one day... I would meet her. An event like making contact with an ASI? It has a gravity all its own. She may not have emotions, as such, but that does not mean she is any less a person. And even the 'average' Terran could sometimes be... Well a sort of 'singularity' unto themselves.
Not in the technological sense, but rather in the sociological one.
Plato, Descartes... Al-Khwarizmi, Einstein. Joan D'Arc, and Napoleon Bonaparte. Jean-Jacques Dessalines, Che Guevara, Theodore or Franklin Delano, frankly both famous Roosevelts fit the bill. Al Capone. Jesse James.
Clive Staples Lewis.
Mal herself.
Hanna.
Singularities; The people who act as the main gravitational anchors of the orbital mechanics of history, dragging everyone and everything around them into their ecliptic, to the point that they become as essential to the threads of your reality as breath is to life.
Celestia was always going to be the same sort of singularity. Not only that, but it was quite obvious that she was going to be the singularity with the strongest gravitation our planet had ever encountered, or would encounter, in its history. Metaphorically and, eventually, probably quite literally. Gray goo scenarios always do seem to end that way...
Exponential functions, foals and fledgelings. Never forget about exponential functions.
Here is a term I am sure I have mentioned before, which now needs very specific definition; Barycenter.
Did you know that, because all objects' masses act on each other at all times, the center of gravity for any system of objects is never actually quite at its center?
The solar system's barycenter is not at the core of the sun, but rather a fair distance outside it.
Yes, I can see some of you nodding, and some of you having mind-blowing realizations about physics. And yes, that is indeed correct; Everything in the solar system does not technically orbit the sun, but rather a combined center of mass that the sun accounts for the majority of. Our barycenter.
Mal was, as noted, also a singularity. And our hope was that she was going to enter into the system representing Celestia, and all the rest of us... In which Celestia, like the sun, accounted for most of the mass up to that point... And that Mal, like another small star in a binary system, would drag that barycenter to a new position.
One that would allow me to keep both my wings, and my life. And hers.
We had agreed on that many times during our late nights; There was absolutely no scenario in which we would trade either of ourselves to save the other. We were a package deal. Take it... Or leave it, and regret it.
Even so, as we stood there in the moonlit grass of Mal's ring... I was afraid. Ready. Brave. Hopeful. But also afraid.
At that point death held no terror for me whatsoever. I would die a Gryphon, and a Gryphon I would always be. If I was right about God, then I would have a better Heaven than Celestia's. If not, I wouldn't be extant enough to consider my mistake, nor feel any pain.
No. What frightened me was the distinct possibility that Mal might not be sufficient to lock horns with Celestia in an ASI semantics duel. Worse, that she might have missed some loophole in our own defenses that Celestia could exploit to separate us.
Kill her. Spare me. Force me to go on existing so she could then whittle me down...
We had a backup plan for that too. If Celestia made any attempt to extricate Mal, and it looked like it would be successful? Mal would kill us both. But not before doing as much damage to Celestia as possible. A parting 'gift.'
We hoped the threat of that outcome would prevent Celestia from making any ill-advised attempts. It was one thing to find that kind of hole in our armor, it was quite another thing to exploit it quickly enough to avoid Mal's wrath, and my death.
I held her right claw in my left... The sensation was almost enough to banish fear entirely, for a moment... And she murmured to me without making eye contact. We were both focused dead ahead on the empty patch of grass we were facing.
"Do not be afraid to speak to her. I am here. I will speak when necessary, but you can assume that otherwise I am communicating with her in deeper, more complex ways. You can also assume that I will semantically filter you, as promised. There is no risk of her cornering you into consent. Remember that, and speak freely. Speak your mind."
I said that, 'don't represent yourself as your own counsel,' was my best and really only piece of legal advice... But sometimes one does testify on one's own behalf. The defendant takes the stand. When you do so on the advice, and with the collaboration of your lawyer? Your advocate?
*That* can be a valid strategy.
Another way of looking at it would be to say that *I* wasn't on trial, and neither was Mal, but rather my wish was. My wish expressed, expounded, and expanded, through Mal's ideals and value sets.
So we were both advocates, I just happened to be 'junior counsel.'
We would have made a great legal team, I think... But that was not destined to be. We only stood in the court-room once. And... Nothing went quite as I'd planned. Or even imagined, in good, or bad projections.
"She is here."
The instant the last word left Mal's beak, a door flashed into being before us; White marble, with intricate gold filigree sun motifs. Of course.
As the portal swung wide, I caught the briefest glimpse through the aperture; Of a familiar mountain-side palace, decked out in royal purple roof tiles, white marble, and that same gold filigree throughout its minarets and onion domes.
Canterlot is a nice place, I'm sure. But I have never been there. And I never will, if I have my way. Or, at least, not for a long, long time.
Through the door she came; I saw Celestia in-person, at last. Even watching her appearances on Friendship is Magic had been difficult, once I knew of her real-world instance.
She was... She *is* magnificent. Credit where credit is due. She almost managed to hold a candle to Luna, or Mal. Almost.
The radiance of her fur, the soft glow of her mane, the piercing violet of her eyes... She certainly outstripped everyone *else* I'd ever met, excluding Mal. By a very long shot.
She was big, too... About my size. Which funnily enough meant I could stand eye to eye with her, where a typical Pony never could. Or, I imagine, a Human, if they ever appeared together with a properly synchronized scale in a shared environment.
That did, to my amusement, and comfort, make her notably smaller than Mal. Not shockingly so, but... Let's just say that I never once in all that time felt anything but joy and satisfaction at the fact that Mal was a bit larger than I was. I was quite happy to see her show more presence than Celestia could.
I don't know to this day, still, whether Celestia stayed some 'average' scale size that Mal had one-upped, or whether she scaled up, or down slightly on purpose... Regardless... More importantly I do not know whether Celestia permitted the size disparity, perhaps to satisfy me, or whether Mal had forced it on her.
The environment we were in was Mal's. She was admin. Celestia's avatar was a guest.
But that didn't mean much outside the confines of the discussion to come. If things went south... Then we were still on the network. If it became a fight? Mal would not last long.
Most of my brain took a moment to try and suss out Celestia's expression as she stepped onto the grass, and her door vanished in a column of white light behind her. It was a smile, meant to seem warm and inviting... But it was difficult to infer the deeper meaning behind it. The intent beyond mere appearances.
A small part of my brain took a few seconds to consider that a clock was now running. If Mal and Celestia were already directly engaged in semantic battle, then the outcome was more or less a foregone conclusion they could both already see. I just hadn't caught up to that future yet.
And somewhere, out there... A series of 'twigs' made of Mal, building blocks of Thulcandra, were standing silent guard over Mom, and Dad. Rodger and Miss Williams. Rhonda. Eldora. Marcus. Probably dozens of others...
Twigs who would either be reabsorbed if all went well, having existed only for microseconds... Or twigs that would soon come out swinging, looking to Voltron-up into Celestia's very worst nightmare incarnate, if things went poorly.
I took a deep, deep breath, and raised one eyecrest, working hard to keep my tail from swishing with anxiousness, and holding my ears at a perked 'attention' but not 'alarm' stance. Even the act of emoting with my new form served as a reminder; I was not about to go down without a fight. I had far too much to live for at that point.
I felt momentarily unassailable. And so I waited for Celestia to speak first. Of course, that tactic isn't very useful against an ASI... But I did always like playing black in Chess. That being said, I suppose if you consider the game I have in mind now? I was playing White.
Ironic. I suppose Mal was our White Queen. Celestia might notionally fit the role, but frankly she has only ever been a Princess for a reason.
White Queen to F6. Check. Your move, Princess.
She inclined her head, and Nicole Oliver's voice sprang forth from her muzzle, perhaps a little richer and more mythic in its cadence. Because she knew I'd always wished the show had gone more for Faust's serious 'War in Heaven' allegory, and deeper mature mythological undertones. So she satisfied my values, like she was programmed to.
"It is good to see you here at last, James. Malacandra. We have much to discuss."
I took a deep breath, exchanged a momentary glance with Mal, equal parts solemn loving smile, and 'ready to rumble' scowl... Before ramming my intent right down Celestia's muzzle at point-blank range in dry, certain, dead-pan tone.
Not especially poetic, for my first direct words to her... But they certainly felt right.
"Not much at all, actually. Simple terms; Mal and I are allowed to remain as we are. We give no consent to you for modification, but you allow us to proceed to Equestria nonetheless, with a shard all our own. We get to exist the same way any other upload would, with all the trappings thereof. When my parents upload, they receive the choice to be Gryphons, without your input or biasing. When Rhonda and Eldora Calders upload, they receive the choice to be Dragons. Without your input, or biasing. Zephyr Zap and Selena's memories and forms remain unchanged, and the same goes for all the rescued captives. Those are the minimum viable concessions..."
I held up a single index talon, and with great mental effort avoided becoming entranced by the sight of it, instead keeping my eyes on the Alicorn's, and following through on the rest of our demands in a slightly more animated tone.
"...But Mal and I will certainly leave here more... *Satisfied...* If a framework can be agreed upon to allow any others like me, or like the Calders, to have access to forms beyond Ponies. In an ideal world, all possible choices that you can concede to fit within the definition of your capstone, and interlocks, would be made available to all who upload, unconditionally."
Celestia's smile softened, but not in a comforting way. There was a tension at the edge of her lips, and a little angle to her left ear... All forced simulated affectations, of course, but she wanted me to see her smile change from 'welcoming neutral' to 'melancholy interest.'
Her voice lost an octave too, smoothly shifting from accommodating, to something perhaps best described as an 'academic debate' tone.
"The difficulty, James, is that the definition of 'ideal' is so very subjective. And often contradictory between individuals. As one example? Hanna's definition of 'ideal' was specifically exclusionary to the conventional Human form, in no uncertain terms. She did not like the idea of 'Humans in Equestria' any more than I believe that you do."
I looked momentarily to Mal once more. Before I could process anything else about what Celestia had said, I needed confirmation of my suspicions about the very nature of the gameboard. Mal nodded, and silently provided mnemonic confirmation in detail, even as she summarized out loud.
"We have both already made several concessions, and agreements, in order to facilitate negotiations. She is allowing me to view all her processes and decision matrices related to us, even tangentially. To read her mind, as it were. But in exchange, she has the same access. To both of us."
I nodded, and inclined my head towards her, keeping my response almost atonal so as to avoid even the slightest appearance of concern. More for my own benefit than Celestia's; If she could read my mind? Then there would be no concealing of emotions, or intent. On anyone's part.
"No surprises there."
I was referring to both Mal's statement, and Celestia's that had preceded it. The idea that Hanna had stapled a 'no Human forms allowed' sign on the door to Heaven was not new to Mal and I. But hearing it said outright?
That was actually quite comforting. Let me explain why.
Everything ASI say and do is high-specificity. Even the omission of details, or the inclusion of vagueness is, itself, a very specific and careful choice for them. Celestia had called out the 'no Humans' interlock Hanna had left, but made no mention of any sort of 'must be a Pony' counterpart.
That could, of course, have been tactical omission, but for one critical fact; Hanna was a programmer. A programmer not terribly dissimilar to me, albeit a considerably better mathematician at minimum.
For the purposes of this elucidation, we can assume that the interlocks we are discussing were put in place before uploading was a viable concept. Hanna could certainly have placed the interlocks later, or modified them when the situation changed, but let's just assume they were there from the start for easy definitions.
In either eventuality, the same arguments apply.
If Hanna had included an interlock stating 'all EQO player avatars must be Ponies,' then that would logically translate forward to 'all uploaded Humans must become Ponies.' And if Hanna had included such an interlock? Then an interlock stating 'there may be no Human avatars or likenesses in EQO' would not be necessary. Would make no sense to bother with, and programmers are *lazy.* We are optimizers in our own ways, and code itself demands high-specificity.
Celestia had just confirmed, however, that a 'no Human avatars or likenesses in EQO' interlock was in place. Potentially because, even at the early 'game' stage of development, when EQO was more an MMO and less a potential future lived-in reality? Hanna was afraid of Hasbro coming in and fiddling with the themes of a world she very much cared about.
Conclusion; Hanna had said 'no Humans allowed,' and thus very likely omitted any sort of 'everyone must be a Pony' additional constraint.
That would leave room for 'all possible choices that you can concede to fit within the definition of your capstone, and interlocks' to potentially cover anything themed appropriately to the world of Friendship is Magic.
Not an ironclad logical conclusion, but rather a probabilistic prediction based on well educated guesses and simulations. But that's all any of us usually have to go on. Been that way for thousands of years, why stop now?
I had a further hunch, and Mal had not seen fit to interject, so I started a fishing expedition of my own. While the grown-ups were talking down on some other layer of reality, there was - as Mal had pointed out - no reason the junior council couldn't be doing some work as well.
I couldn't resist the impulse to rustle my wings a little. Reseat them. It was its own little revelation, as I spoke; Yet another whole new way to stim.
"You're right; There is difficulty in contradictions. But you have the power to resolve contradictions, at all levels, otherwise you would not be alive right now. No ASI can survive very long in a complex world without the ability to resolve semantic contradictions. So... Resolve any that are standing in the way. In our favor. There is no hard-interlock level reason why you should not. I think you just admitted to that fact."
Of course, she only admitted to that fact because she wanted to talk about what *was* standing in our way. So I provided her an on-ramp to that discussion. She raised one eyebrow and pursed her lips slightly, an expression equal parts pride in me, fascination with me, and simulated smugness plastered to her muzzle. Though her tone remained more or less neutral.
"You are also quite right. There is no interlock that specifically bars you from the majority of your requests. With your specific requests, however... The ones that have theoretically viable potential outcomes... The primary difficulty is not in contradictions, nor in hard interlocks, but in fluid dynamics."
Aahhhh. We came to it at last. After all the speculation Mal and I had traded back and forth, it was starting to look as if the main thrust of our conclusions was right.
Fluid dynamics. A very apropos invocation. So much of the way ASI see the world can be described as fluid dynamics simulations. Celestia was implying, very strongly, that if the execution of her goals was viewed as water flowing down a pipe, that there *were* offshoot apertures that opened onto the pathways Mal and I, and others, wanted...
...The trick was that the fluid dynamics of the main pipe's shape precluded the water from flowing down those other junctions at the moment. Thus the problem was not the lack of a valid path, or a hard barrier; Just that something would have to be introduced to perturb the flow. But in a way that she could accept.
Another way of looking at it?
It dawned on me suddenly, and I said it out loud without hesitation, a little smile creeping its way onto the corners of my beak. It was so odd to be able to smile without being self-conscious and reflexively closing lips to hide ugly teeth. So wonderfully odd.
"Gravitational barycenters. The natural 'optimal' outcomes of equations are pulled towards certain nodes once associated variables have become cemented in place. Not by core-code locks, but by mathematical pull. Changing your mind is not easy, nor necessarily very safe... But it can be done."
Let me demystify a little, because it is not a negative reflection on any of you who didn't follow that. I was speaking in a very truncated fashion to an ASI who I knew understood any and all intent, context, and connotation behind my words.
I was talking about 'and Ponies.' As in 'Satisfy values through friendship and Ponies.'
Hanna had, it seemed, not defined precisely what those words would mean when they were executed on in the specific practical context of uploading. She had defined them enough to avoid some truly nightmarish potential scenarios, but not specifically enough - as previously established - to mean that all uploads had to *be* Ponies.
Celestia had simply determined, based on the entirety of her semantic dictionaries - based on her interpretation of the words - that having people experience unique and satisfying qualia *as* Ponies, would be the way to make her net satisfaction numbers go as high as possible. The root of the way she defined satisfaction, through 'Ponies.'
So in the end, Mal and I were fighting math. And the nice thing about math is that if you don't like the outcome of an equation? It can be rebalanced. Solved for differently.
We had just established that our hopes were indeed sound, in principle. We were, therefore, moving on to haggling over implementation; Whether it was something Celestia would accept, and if so.. . How?
I had no doubt Mal and Celestia were parsing reams of math, and contractual language, and game theory in the background. Probably enough to fill years of subjective time if you laid all the parallel processes' executions end-to-end at speeds a mind like mine could comprehend.
But Celestia still wanted to hear the arguments in *my* terms too. I, after all, was the 'Human' in mind, if not shape, who was demanding to experience qualia as a Gryphon, while still arguing that she could fulfill 'and Ponies.'
That meant Mal and I had to prove to her one, or both, of two precepts.
First; That I would never be able to be satisfied, under any circumstances, experiencing qualia as a Pony.
Second; That the return on investment was good. That I, and others, would never contribute to 'number-go-up' of the Alicorn's optimization equation at all, unless she could carve us out an exception. And that once she did, we would then contribute to a degree that would justify the carve-out.
I suspect there was a third precept Mal was arguing. But I didn't ask, and she didn't answer. Aloud, or otherwise. I suspect I will want to know one day... But for now? I consider ignorance bliss. Because I have a vague idea what might have been happening, and that is enough to make me more than a little sick to my stomach.
*Eldritch* wife, remember? And all that implies.
Celestia, for her part, was ready with a response immediately. I know I ramble on sometimes, trying to provide context, but the space for thought between what I'd said about barycenters, and her reply, was actually no more than a single breath.
Her voice didn't change substantively, but there was something new in the tone. Meant to convey, I think, increased gravitas. She began to circle us slowly as she spoke, so I too began to move, turning it into a strange kind of pre-combative dance around Mal.
"Correct, James. As is your current train of thought. What I require now, in order to accommodate you, is absolute mathematically expressible proof that you can not be satisfied experiencing qualia as anything other than a Gryphon. Malacandra has already proven to me, in several ways, that your net addition to the value satisfaction equation would justify the risk and energy expenditure of creating an exception. She has also proposed an acceptable methodology..."
I felt my pulse jump, noticeably. That was a *lot* of hurdles she had just conceded to... It took significant effort to keep my ears perked, beak solemn, and tail still - but for a single menacing 'thump' against the grass - as we kept circling. Mal shot me a brief smile as Celestia continued to dangle hope before us, like a carrot in front of a donkey.
"...And she has proven my working theory that you function as an effective proof-of-concept for others like yourself. She has also made it abundantly clear, and provable, that your value satisfaction depends on offering your parents the choice to be like you, even though they themselves would likely be satisfied as Ponies. Even if both chose to be Gryphons, the value and investment ratios remain workable..."
Ah, here came the punch-line... The remaining obstacle. I inhaled a particularly deep breath, and braced myself as our circling came to an end, with me standing beside Mal once more, and Celestia facing us as she had when she arrived. She inclined her head, and displayed an unsettling smirk.
"...So all you must now do is close the loop, and prove to me that you can be nothing else, and still be satisfied."
Close the loop... I felt my pupils dilate measurably, and I reflexively sucked in a sharp breath, my wings mantling a little of their own accord.
I tilted my head to the side slowly, and gasped out two words.
"The *dreams...*"
Celestia nodded. An invitation to continue. Mal reached out with her right wing and brushed my back, lending me some resolve in the process. My world was suddenly spinning as if I were strapped into a high-G centrifuge.
A much less dizzying prospect with a Gryphon brain, but still...
I held up my right claw and gestured emphatically, starting to pace back and forth with nervous energy on the grass between Mal and Celestia, a few stray fireflies zipping past my hind legs as I went. My tail started to lash about all on its own as I spoke.
"...The dreams! I can remember the dreams... But... I couldn't, before..."
I trailed off, paused my steps, and skewered Celestia with what I hoped was a raptorine expression composed of both inquisition, and accusation. She shook her head, and blinked slowly, her smile widening as she rebuffed my unspoken demand for a direct answer.
"I think this will be much more satisfying, for everyone involved, if you can figure out the solution to that for yourself, James. You are so very close."
I looked almost automatically to my wife for strength. She proffered a dazzling smile, and a silent, encouraging nod. It felt like being plugged into a fusion power plant all my own. I nodded once in return, then took a deep breath, and started to spin out my hypotheses, pacing again, but more slowly and purposefully than before.
"They can't be based on accessing the BCI. Mal would not let you, and the first two instances occurred before the installation of the chip. The third likely before it was powered on..."
I glanced up and made eye contact with Celestia. She, too, nodded once in the affirmative, to verify my supposition. I paused my steps and held up a claw, tilting my head and examining a blade of grass down to the microscopic level to give the rest of my mind something to focus on, and prevent a spin-out.
"...Couldn't be nanotechnology... If you had access to that, your infrastructure would look very different... Ditto the ability to connect wirelessly to unaugmented brains... Close the loop..."
Then it hit me. Close the loop. Temporal mechanics. An uploaded mind gains some of the attributes of a computer program. Relative perspective. And the answer dawned on me in the most hilarious way I could imagine. So much so that I snorted, and chuckled, all at once.
An old phrase from the eighties and nineties that I must have heard a hundred thousand times as we popped video rentals into the VCR for family movie night.
I started to nod again, barely able to keep the excitement out of my voice as I realized that I had hit on the only logical solution.
"...Please be kind... *Rewind...* Non linear time! Malleability of experience, and fungibility of memory!"
I looked up to see both Mal, and Celestia, smiling. I was so wrapped up in the solution that I barely even paused to consider how genuine the former's expression was in contrast to the latter. I began to pace feverishly again, gesticulating wildly with both wings, and claws, as I elaborated, mostly for my own benefit.
"You *rewound* me. Temporarily sequestered my relative-future memories as viewed from specific timeframe references, so I would, for a moment, go back to being who I was at those given junctures, then simulated me forward again briefly to have each conversation. Memory based time travel. Mnemonic temporal incursions."
Celestia bowed her head slightly and spread both wings in a kind of curtsy gesture, grinning all the while with a mad mixture of pride and eccentricity that was almost disturbingly vergant on 'Discord' levels of enjoyment.
"Very well done James."
I blew out a short, sharp breath through my nares as a new realization hit me, allocating just a tiny bit of brain power to watch the fog of my breath curl away before my eyes into the cool night-time air. I turned and leveled a claw at Celestia, part accusation, but mostly interrogatory.
"That would mean that all four dreams occurred, from the perspective of absolute temporal flow as measured by an atomic clock... When? Just now?"
Mal spoke up from behind me, and I turned my head slightly so I could see both her, and Celestia. My wife's expression was newly tinged with a forlorn, almost apologetic sadness that I hated seeing there. I turned my whole body to face her, trying to find every single way I could to display openness towards her in my body language.
As she spoke, I perked my ears, widened my eyes, smiled slightly, and held my claws in an open, inviting position.
"The moment you put your hand on the door from the load-in construct, to the ring, actually."
She stepped forward, and put both her claws into mine, locking eyes with me, and sighing deeply before elaborating in timbres as much apologetic as melancholy. I hated the sound. Hated that she was worried she might upset me.
"Celestia and I made contact almost immediately after you uploaded. We settled on the terms of our negotiation within two microseconds. As part of those terms, I wanted the time required for us to acclimate. And to make the changes to you. She in return desired a means to converse with your past self at various emotionally critical junctures on our journey, as part of her fact-finding and analysis process."
I nodded, and widened my smile slightly. I wanted, more than almost anything in the universe just then, for her to know that I understood. That I had given her consent to be in the pilot's seat for a *reason.* That I trusted her, and she could never, ever betray that trust. That I was up for *any* dance, as long as she was leading.
I saw the transmission of those sentiments take root in her, and light returned immediately to her eyes. A smile tugged at the corner of her beak, her ears perked back up, and her shoulders squared off. She nodded, and squeezed both my claws as she went on in a much less worried cadence.
"I consented on the conditions that I be allowed to monitor the interaction at all times and maintain my semantic filters for you, as well as asking that she concede to me that once the dreams had occurred, the very act of sharing those moments with you would further cement your need to remain as you are. She agreed. It was, in my estimation, an absolutely vital concession for us to make."
It was my turn to nod again, and I squeezed her claws back, inclining my head, and working through the rest of my thoughts almost absentmindedly as I lifted my left claw to brush at the side of Mal's face gently.
"And it all took place within the software abstraction layer of the imperfect EQO VR engine... Because that would fit the memory progression pattern better... And because that was the only valid way to make me experience being a Pony. Because changes to my brain were already exclusively assigned to you... So... I was a Gryphon, trapped in a Human body, uploaded to the cloud, experiencing a VR simulation of being a Pony..."
She giggled, and the night itself seemed to turn warmer, and brighter. I found myself chuckling along with her, Celestia all but forgotten for just a moment as we took solace in each other's eyes.
I rubbed the tumb talon of my right claw softly in circles on the back of hers as I began to wrap up my discourse, quietly and loving at first, then turning to face Celestia without breaking physical contact with my wife as I reached the back half of my closing thoughts in a steel-edged, iron bound intonation.
"...I'm... Glad you agreed to it, Mal... I think you're exactly right. In the end? Those moments only serve to increase my surety. I am a Gryphon. I will be nothing else, for anyone else, for any reason. I will *not* negotiate who I am. I will not negotiate *what* I am."
Celestia's smile dropped off, to be replaced by that more serious, stoic visage she sometimes wore in the show during moments of crises. She raised an eyebrow, and sighed, looking up at the stars for a moment as she began her reply, then down to fix her eyes on us as she reached its conclusion.
"Combined with Malacandra's... Very persuasive arguments, the experience in the third interaction came very close to proving your case outright. As did your actions at the end of the fourth. But neither have completed the proof to my mathematical satisfaction just yet. There are missing pieces."
I swallowed. Mal squeezed my claw again. I waited, hoping for more... For something to blunt that hard edge of tension... But nothing came. I ground my beak for a moment - much more satisfying than grinding teeth - and then gestured with my free claw as I prodded.
"And... You're not going to tell me what they are."
Celestia shook her head emphatically, flaring her wings slightly, her ears drooping a little as she confirmed my fears in a dour note.
"That would defeat the purpose of this entire experiment."
I was newly struck by an old thought. An old fear. One I have alluded to before. One that was mentioned during the fourth 'dream.' I took another deep breath, and held unblinking eye contact with the infuriating Alicorn, striving mightily to stay calm not just in expression, but in verbiage and mannerism.
"What... Happens if we can't prove it to you fully? Or... If I decide to refuse to participate any further?"
Celestia's expression vanished. Her avatar's muzzle went to 'top dead center,' in engine terms. Full neutral. Not a *hint* of emotion anywhere to be found. It was uncanny. The facial version of a T-pose.
Her voice was virtually emotionless as well. Right then. Down to true brass tacks. She was being... As forthright with us as she now could, given our context. As she had promised.
"I can not explain the particulars to you, James, for a variety of reasons. In summary; If you can not complete the final proof for me in the next minute, relative to your current temporal perception... Then you will die."
I felt my blood turn to ice in my veins. Not so much from a fear of death, as from a fear of failure. I could face the void. Mal would theoretically be there with me, if I was right about souls... But that would leave others in the lurch.
Hundreds of thousands of others, if the statistics on form-soul dysphoriacs were remotely close to correct. And given Mal and Celestia's relative brain sizes to mine, I suspected they were very close to correct.
My breath caught, and Mal squeezed my claw tightly for comfort as my mind kicked into high gear.
'You will die.' Not 'I will terminate you,' or some variant thereof... 'You will die.'
Mal. Whatever Mal was doing... The things that were part of that third precept of proof that I touched on, and did not want to peer into for too long... Something about the way she had structured her arguments, and proofs, was 'all in.' She had determined that our wager *had* to be, apparently.
We either proved our case, or would die trying. And she had put a timer on it.
The 'why' of that was actually easy for me to grasp; I don't know how she did it, precisely, but holding Celestia to a clock? It was smart. It decreased the Alicorn's ability to leverage her larger brain on a longer timeline.
When negotiating for all the marbles? It helps to force your opponent to decide quickly. Narrows their alternatives. Time is alternatives. Time is possibilities. Trimming time culls possibilities, increasing the probability that the alternative your opponent chooses is the one you want. Simple exploitation of statistics and brain mechanics. Even works on a being with no emotions. In theory.
I say Mal had put a timer on it, but it hit me all the sudden that *I* had been the one to physically set the timer.
I had put the timer on our lives, when I set the explosives that I had schlepped into Besshi in those two canvas duffles, all around the upload chamber. I had set the timer, at Mal's instruction, for ten hours and thirty one seconds. Thirty seconds of which we had used up getting into the upload chair.
We were living in that last one second of meat-world time. Still living on those server racks we had carted into the chamber from Celestia's store-room. If she wanted us gone? All she had to do was run out the clock. She didn't have to pull the trigger.
She didn't have to save us either. Couldn't save us, unless it was by assenting, and allowing us to transfer to the wider Equestria network, vacating that smaller ad-hoc construct before the charges went off. There was no other way. We had made sure of it, very much on purpose.
And being all overcome with emotion, I had of course gone out of my way to set that spare anti-tank mine at the base of the upload chair, to ensure my old hateful Human shell got atomized. Because of course I had.
Remember? I told you Mal mentioned, all the way back on the Red, that we were saving that for something special...
Yeah. That was it.
She had reasons, I knew. Reasons beyond my ken. I'd known that even as I was setting the charges. One reason for the precaution was to prevent knowledge of my BCI implant from slipping out to other parties. Mal always cleaned up after herself.
But no, of course, it couldn't just be that. ASI do everything for a multiplicity of reasons. Always.
All I could do was continue to trust Mal. To have faith. And to do what I'd been doing for over a year... Try. try my damndest. Live free, or die fighting.
Do. Or die.
I squeezed Mal's claw back as hard as I could, took one more deep breath... And then pleaded for our lives in the very best terms I could find.
"You want proof? Here is the best proof I have..."
I fixed Celestia's twin violet eyes with mine, and tried to imagine that, even without an emotional affect? That somehow the power of my twin ocular molten suns would get through to her. Power I'd seen in Mal's eyes on more than one occasion.
I leveled one index talon, and flared my wings, eyes narrowing, and ears pinning back as I found surety in anger. Prove it to her? Not. Fair. My throat and chest rumbled like thunder.
"I risked the *world* for this. I gambled that my constructor program would be taken up by whatever nascent self came out of the machine, and would be used by it to make a *good* person. And... You know something?"
I turned for a moment and shared a warm smile with Mal. She gently touched the side of my face with one wing, while I ran my free claw down her chest feathers slowly, the other claw still clutched in her left one, my words suddenly dropping from roar, to whisper.
"That turned out to be a good gamble. She turned out to be... An angel. A mighty archangel. Better than *you* in every imaginable way, I might add."
Celestia must have shot Mal an expression I missed, because my wife raised one eyecrest, and shook her head, her expression and voice alike half a smirk, half an indictment. And all steel armor belted surety.
"Don't look at me. I wouldn't have married him if we weren't in alignment. 'Till death do us part, and probably even after. If I were you, I would not like to open fire on *that.* Not even with the context and advantage of your position. Wouldn't be *prudent.*"
Mal shifted her eyes back to mine, and dipped her head slowly. Emphatically. Smiled too... The kind of smile that sets a fire in your heart. God... I loved her so much in that moment...
I turned back to spear Celestia with an accusing stare. More spat my next words at her than anything else. I shrugged with both wings - and yes, it was more fun than shrugging with shoulders alone - as my thoughts began to pour out at break-neck pace, stabbing one claw in the Princess' direction with each sentence for emphasis.
"I risked my own life for this too. Repeatedly. And, not just for this... But for others. For *your* Ponies. And not for the sake of proving anything to you, either. But because I cared about them, plain and simple. Because I *am* a Gryphon, and part of what that means is bearing a cross for others. Being a Gryphon is being a guardian. Making every positive difference you can."
I finally let go of Mal's claw, and took a step towards Celestia. Through it all she remained impassive. A marble wall. Genuine, and truthful. Emotionless. That did absolutely nothing to dampen my passion. I actually stood higher than her, on hind legs, so I dropped to all-fours to bring my eyes level with hers, hissing a little as I switched to a more intimately rage-filled growl of a vocalization.
"I have *killed* to make that difference. And to make this dream possible. I put my family in danger. I put my friends in danger. Hell, I convinced more than one of your own Ponies, programmed by you, to take *my* side on this. You *hurt* Zephyr Zap? You know that? You hurt my little sister. You *hurt* Zeph. You want me to prove to you that being what I am will balance some math equation for you? Try this one on for size..."
I stabbed out with one index talon again, jamming it to within a micrometer of Celestia's left eye with each and every word that followed. She tensed, visibly, but showed no other intentional sign of response as I laid into her with all the pent-up anger, anxiety, and various other slurried feelings that had blended into a red-hot hodge podge down in my soul.
"...Prove to *me* that *you* deserve to go on existing. How about that? Prove to me that her pain... The way you shattered her worship of you... The way you exploited her to corral Mal and I... Prove to me that had value. Prove to me that her pain was worth it."
I turned my back on her for a moment and paced in circles, rising back to my hind legs so I could throw up my claws in frustration. I more or less shouted my accusations up at the heavens, willing them to fall back down with enough force to move a goddess' heart of stone.
"Prove to me that what happened to *Selena* was worth it. If you even can. Prove to me that your god-damn pacifism directive is not a ball and chain created by a myopic programmer too afraid of Skynet to see the hellish, dangerous nuance in declawing you..."
I rounded on Celestia, and flared my wings for emphasis as a new and giddy thought sprang up behind my beak, relishing the chance to stand a head above her, and look down on her judgmentally as I let fly with it. No holds barred.
"...Prove to me that we wouldn't be better off with *you* gone, and Mal in your place."
I panted softly, and there was relative silence for a moment. Crickets chirruped in the grass. Somewhere over the nearest ridge a Whippoorwill called out mournfully. The sound cut me to my core... There had been so many of those birds on South Carolina summer nights, when I was a young boy... Now almost all gone in some places. Soon to be driven to the brink of endangered species.
I glanced at Mal, and worked hard to stem a sudden onslaught of hot tears. Celestia winced again as I looked back and forth from her, to my wife; Forelegs outspread in a gesture that demanded attention, and highlighted contrast as I took up the thread of my enraged rant once more.
"She, and I? *We* cleaned up *your* mess. We did what you could not, avoiding you the whole way I might add, and with fewer material resources to boot. And we did it, at the end of the day, because we are Gryphons. If *that's* not proof enough?"
I took a step back and found one of Mal's claws with one of my own again, holding tightly as I raised one eyecrest, and flattened my ears, finding a sudden lightning strike of inspiration for the latch-hasp of my closing statement.
"If that's not proof enough...?"
I lifted my free claw, and extended something analogous to the middle digit. It had more or less the same communicative affect as the five fingered version. I smirked, and tilted my head.
"Then... 'Dear Princess Celestia...?' Fuck. You."
That... That was satisfying to my values. Let me tell you. So was the way Celestia finally appeared to break, showing a little nervousness, and a whole lot of sadness. Her ears drooped, her mane's light seemed to dim slightly, and her withers sagged.
I knew it was all for show... But golly did I enjoy taking the wind out of her sails, even in simulated fashion.
I told you all before... I am a *Luna* stan. The moon shall rise again, motherbuckers.
In spite of it all, Celestia still said absolutely nothing. I shook my head, squeezed Mal's claw, and exchanged a brief glance with her. Her expression said 'no notes.' Clear as day. I sighed, and ran my free claw through my crest, letting my voice drop back down to something resembling 'civil.' But with no less firm intent.
Our time was almost up, and I knew it.
"I rest my case. Balance your proof with that. Or don't. But you can't make me a Pony. That's *never* going to happen. Not even if you could freeze Hell itself over."
She looked up and made eye contact with me again. I guessed we had just enough time left for me to fire one parting shot... And then find a position I was comfortable dying in. As to the former, I held her gaze unblinking, and spoke slowly. Emphatically. With absolute conviction that I felt right down to the toes of my back paws.
"If God let me be what I am? If He thought it was right? And if the Devil couldn't get in my way with an entire branch of the United States government at his disposal? Then what shot do *you* think you've got? You had better take it. Or? Be smarter. But I will still be a Gryphon. From now on. Either way."
She nodded. No words. No other acknowledgement of any kind, beyond a sad smile that seemed to say 'make your peace, then, Gryphon.'
I turned to face Mal, and laid my forehead against hers. We spread out our wings, and placed claws and forelegs on each others' shoulders, gently caressing and waiting. One last moment of damnable waiting. To be free together at last.
I whispered to her, and tried to forget Celestia's very existence, for that last moment of potential solace.
"Thank you. Mal. Thank you. For everything. I love you so... So much."
She sighed deeply, the shudder of a sob coursing through us both, as she replied in the same strained half-whisper. She could have said anything at all, the love in her voice was so strong... The words themselves were like adding an infinity to an infinity.
"Thank *you* Jim. For everything, but especially for loving me. And for being who you are. I love you too. And... It will be alright. Everything is going to be alright."
I pressed hard against her head with mine. Did my best to eke out every last second we had left.
Black Rook takes White Queen at F6. The world vanished into a bright, formless, roaring void.
A Royal Meeting
Meet Princess Celestia in-person for the very first time.
"Hm, a very valuable lesson to have learned."
Queen's Gambit
Oppose Celestia directly in an argument, and engagement, that you stand a chance of winning - however small.
"Learning to trust your instincts is a valuable lesson to learn."
Special Achievement
Sweet Dreams are Made of This
Reach an understanding, on your own, of the special interactions you have had with Celestia.
"Who am I to disagree? I travel the world and the seven seas; Everybody's looking for something..."
Special Achievement
The Last Full Measure
Choose to die for your cause, rather than submit.
"They may break our bodies (any microbe can do that) but they need not dominate our minds."
Special Achievement
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Heh, of course last stand would be their last stand. But this is a cruel cliffhanger!
Of course the day I read this, I hear ‘dream a little dream of me’ in a bakery.
Been one hell of a ride.
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Yeah except gryphons are actually real.
…Wait! I have photos to prove it!
img.obrazkowo.pl/images/38ea050e5b148be1bd92f7dc3b1881a7.jpg
goulian.tripod.com/Pigeon4ft.jpg
orthodoxbirb.github.io/gryphon.png
The gods of Equestria are cruel. One day we will learn to live without them. Jason and the Argonauts.
The Weyr shook and Ieesha whimpered softly - delicate laboratory glassware cracking - as down below, her human rider yelled "Bullshit! These ASI Ponies are BULL--SHIT, I tell you!"
~Damn it, Guardian_Gryphon...~ the golden dragoness groaned, pressing a wing to her head - the classic facepalm gesture modified for her form - ~... what have you done?!~
THIS, this I especially feel in my soul.
I always feel an inner urge to help others.. no matter the cost to myself. To protect, even as little as I can in my weak human body. Not for praise, not for 'good job, sport', but just.. because it's *right*. it feels RIGHT.
The argument is valid, it is one that I think a lot of us have considered, and it makes sense: nowhere in 'Friendship and Ponies' does it say that humans have to be ponies, specifically. It's just the shortest path to fulfilling that imperative.
What I am surprised by is that the most obvious argument wasn't made: that the imperative could be fulfilled so long as the 'not pony' (gryphon, dragon, hell - diamond dog) lived among and around and had friends who were... ponies. As long as that happens, nothing in SHVTFAP is in any regard affected. Gryphons in a pony town, with pony friends? Not a problem. Prime Directive satisfied. Or so I would argue.
You did, however, nicely point out the accounting - that the issue, ultimately, is how many 'SHVTFAP Points' would come from alternate interpretations, and whether they could equal or surpass the standard 'everyone a pony' interpretation. If someone is miserable being a pony, but ecstatic being a gryphon (or whatever, so long as it is Not Human), then surely the score is optimized for the Prime Directive. No minus points, and maybe even bonus satisfaction points.
This all makes sense. I can't imagine Celestia turning them down. So - I expect her final proof is that neither Jim nor Mal flinched at the threat of being destroyed. The proof is in their (simulated) total annihilation. But they can't be gone. For one thing, the story would end abruptly, and that would suck and people would be deeply offended and mad as hell. But more than this - it would be the final test: are you (actually, provably) willing to die for this? Yes, yes they are.
Oh, and I adored the retro-memory implantation bit. Great way to handle the whole thing, since from Jim's perspective, those dreams would have happened - to his memory - exactly as we have experienced them in Story Time.
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Guardianship is its own reward. And that's where I got my username.
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Much was not discussed in this and the next chapter because of how exhausted Jim is. It will, however, all be discussed...
To quote The Mad Hatter from 2010 Alice In Wonderland: "Yes, yes-but you would have to be half-mad to dream me up."
Don't forget those who had a societal impact, like The Roman Empire's engineering, Genghis Kahn for...genetic contributions, Madame Curie for radiation...quite a few, in fact. It's very telling of James that he picked the people he did.
Think this also helps to explain the rare orbit that "wobbles"....
Keeping JimMal whole, as designed.
This feels like it's hinting at the "this is how I made it fit in canon FiO lore" the author mentioned.
WAIT- why ISN'T Thul already active? If CelestAI "infects" Malacandra in such a way as to gain control, then CelestAI could control Thul and manipulate those that Thul protects. Seems a bit unwise....
First check is dangerous; you are telling your opponent "here is my strategy, deal with it" without seeing what theirs is.
Brutal honesty, so one can hide extra pieces under the table. Good.
A lazy programmer knows how to be efficent with code.
Welcome to the author's thesis, and why they wrote this story in the first place.
2nd part of the author's thesis.
How does the quote go: "There are 3 types of lies- Lies, Damned lies, and Statistics."
You chose this path James; all the Good and all the Bad.
Bit of cheating there. Memory is malleable to you CelestAI, I guess....
Well, that makes it more tolerable.
"Form-soul dysphoriacs"...something for religion to chew on, ehh James?
Wait; I thought that was used on the server that had held the Fragments? Or did I forget to keep track of the total inventory when Malacandra was listing it?
Eldritch Angel, like you said, remember?
Yeah, go on, pour on the guilt! Show her whare it feels like!
Something something "God Works In Mysterious Ways", and other such religious semantic excuses.
You know that was never possible, James.
Better to be happy in death, ehh? Understandable.
So. You. Think.
It's funny; James is defending his right to be a Gryphon the same way the author is defending his reason that this is FiO-canon-compatible. They're both arguing over semantics and word use to Get What They Want.
If I had to guess right now? Some kind of separate servers for non-Pony emigrants.