Luna is totally going to side with sombra later in the story

11479475
Same

great chapter

11479475
same

11478830

Actually, that comic was made before season 9 was made.

I am enjoying this story.

11479475
Seems logical.

it keeps getting better!!

Still better than King Sombra in FIM, war with Equestria and slave army.

Sounded like S9 especially with that AliTwi pic, but a'ight.

Was expecting wings of purple to be united with smoky black, we haven't enough of that on M.

This is pretty good and interesting story-wise, can't wait for the next chapters.

Also props for Twilight using the toilet. Any changes of Sombra using the bathroom as well?

Next chapter in... I don't know how long. Within the next month? Depends on how readily I'm feeling to finish and edit chapter 3, could be sooner than then. It was a later addition than 4 and 5, something to help flesh out the early story. Still have three full scenes to write for it, and it's not nearly as fun to write as it will be to read.

11479879
Not saying Twilight doesn't become an alicorn at some point...

11479979
Gotta consider the implications. It's not like they never need to go. It'll be the only scene of using the toilet in the story if I can get away with it.

You could probably go into less detail about the toilet stuff.

11480022

At least Twilight wasn't taking a crap.

eager to see how this contuines

11480022
It's in incredibly low detail already except for saying urine drops exist, and the story is M-rated; while I will fault the story for being 2 (rather long) chapters in with "sex gore violence death" on it and nothing of the sort being shown yet, I think it'd be a further problem if the story was willing, eventually, to frankly describe ponies getting cut to bits, but not even use vague language about another harsh reality, that ponies have to pee and don't get toilet paper in a jail cell. A lot of stories do that, and it makes them feel super edgy, because they just rub your face in harsh realities on violence, but then the scenes of characters talking are like everyone's a high-class robot without normal daily needs.

11480022

“Can–“ She cringed at the thought. “Can I have some privacy? I need to, umm...”

“Oh.” They floated away from the fire. “Of course. I’ll be back in a few minutes. I must gather more tinder material.”

“Thanks.” She said under her breath, waiting a few more seconds before heading into the shiver-inducing darkened parts of her cell. Twilight sat on the toilet, holding her head in her hooves and taking deep breaths, not sure if she was being watched. It was humiliating, having to ask for permission like a foal. Last time she had to go, he had been away, giving a little privacy for her business without resorting to asking him.

Why did he stick around so much, anyway? The only question he had asked her that wasn’t related to her current feelings was what the ‘metal mount’ was she arrived in. It didn’t hurt to tell him it was called a train. Did he not care who she was or why she was fighting against him?

Finishing her business, she reached for wipes, sighing at the realization that there were none. She did her best to wiggle the last few drops into the toilet before getting up and flushing. The system was a simple drop-shoot, sending the fecal matter and urine into a pit beneath her. With nothing more to do, she made her way back to the bars, staring out at the fire. Not like there was anything better to do being trapped inside a freezing, lifeless cell. This would be her life from now until she was released, either by herself or by being rescued. Assuming they were going to rescue her.

Four direct sentences. One of her sitting down, another about the reality of her situation, another to compensate, and the last an explanation of the simple system. There's no running water in a thousand-year-old prison, after all. Oh, and there's all those OTHER sentences between start and finish where she actually does her business with no description whatsoever. If it wasn't a drop-shoot, it'd be a bucket, and I can guarantee I'd bring up the smell at least once more.

I can see your point though. The 'fecal matter and urine' could do with a little... changing. How does 'shit and piss' sound coming from Twilight?

11480322
The first major violence/gore/death is (arguably) chapter 8, with a sharp spike in chapter 12. As for the sex tag, it's more of a later one, likely references starting in the same chapter as the violence, and the act itself being... gosh, I'll need to rethink when I want the first one since the only PLANNED scene right now is in chapter 32-ish, which is after a rough draft of the first 35, and another two planned after then between 35 and 40.

I'll see if there's a reasonable earlier scene, but the point I want to make is that the tags are necessary to tell the story I want to tell. Not every sexual act needs to be described in full detail, not every act of violence is necessary either. I'm not going to describe Sombra brutally hunting animals for their hide if it doesn't serve the story, just as I won't add one of Twilight clopping herself for the sake of it. Just like I didn't describe her using the toilet in a gross amount of detail, because the feelings about the act and her situation mattered far more.

When a theme isn't the direct focus, such as in my other story Dreams of Forever, it seems misplaced until it actually happens (the first references are in chapter 4 when I include a sex scene for the sake of it, the first critical description in that story is in chapter 16 and 23), and the violence/gore STARTS in chapter 15. Gotta work up the big stuff.

TL;DR: This isn't violence-porn, toilet-porn, or... regular porn.

11480004

AliTwi romance/seggs soon!

11480447
Oh, so this will be a very slow burn with heaps of story and dialog... I certainly like the story and dialog so far, of course, but to be frank, I worry with most authors that there will even be a chapter in the double digits. I've been wanting a good dark and violent story lately that isn't just the protagonist mowing down faceless mooks being edgy, and so the tags caught my eye.

11480586
Dark? Perhaps it can get dark at times. Violent? The four hypothetical major arcs all end in violence of some kind, and it gets more violent the further it gets. But there's the romance part that needs to be developed first. I have only the vaguest of drafts for chapters past 35 (the end of the first arc). I know the order of events I want, in rough, but need to hash out how it happens and the side-arcs involved. And I could change my mind as I work through it.

11480447
No, actually, you don't see my point.

No fic should talk about anyone "wriggling the last few drops" unless it is a watersports fetish fic and if you want to write one of those it is your responsibility to properly label it in the description.

Spend less time writing about piss and more time writing about the actual story you're trying to tell here.

11480709
You're getting awfully pissy over four sentences. I get it if water-sports peeves you, but you're still are missing the flow of what I was going for. I get it if you think my original message of that section was a wee unclear, and can agree it may have missed the mark if you get caught in a certain stream of thought, but you're in-charge of what you read.

If the pressure's too high, you'll find there's other stories to quench your thirst. The ball's in your court.

11480794
Yeah I'm out. Anyone who keeps reading this, I hope you enjoy your story about the deep intricacies of prehistoric plumbing, which is obviously why you're all here.

Excited 4 more

11480797
While I might agree that, on further inspection, the toilet scene is a bit detailed with little meaning to it – I personally would have left it at the "no wipes" remark and a slight allusion to struggles for humor – this is an M-rated fic.

If this is enough to get to you, then yes, you should stop reading. Not because of pee, but because you don't seem cut out for more than pee.

11481659
Perhaps it may be a bit more detailed than necessary. What I said in my initial response I actually did change:

The system was a simple drop-shoot, sending the fecal matter and urine into a pit beneath her.

Into:

The system was a simple drop-shoot, sending the bodily waste into a pit beneath her.

With a second opinion on the content, I'll keep it in mind going forward. I won't change those sentences anymore from what they are (okay, maybe the drop-shoot one to merge into the previous sentence and shorten it), but I do appreciate the level-headed input into the scene.

11480447
How many chapters do you have already?!

11479475
Agreed.

But may I ask why exactly?

11482237
3 and 6 in the works, 4 and 5 still need editing. Total number with some degree of planning I am satisfied with: 35~36

11482248
Sweet mother of Luna!
Did you already preplan all of this before you released the story?

11482631
Yup! I got carried away a few times and created the rough drafts of chapters going ahead. I just need to write them now

Thus far this seems off to a good start. Well enough written, at least. I'll track and see where it goes.

11482701
Gotcha, thanks for answering my question

11480797
This isn't an airport no need to announce your departure

You've been reviewed... or something

https://venera.social/display/85a863ed-1663-cd93-1a91-7cc884953557

I could do without the extra details of using the bathroom, but am otherwise looking forward to the rest of the story. Big fan of Twilight and Sombra shipping.