Absence of Logic

by Antisocial Ind.

DAMMIT ADAM!

The three friends stood there in an awkward silence.

"Uhhh, well......... at any rate, I can kind of explain things," Tyler finally said. "Lets go to a small cafe I think is near here...."

Noah nodded, seeming to still be in a state of semi shock, and Adam stood there with a big dopey grin.

"Ok, uhhh I think it might be over this way." Tyler turned and started off in a random direction, not exactly sure himself where the cafe he'd seen in the show actually was.

They turned to go and Tyler saw something that made him stop. It was Andre. But something was off, he looked pretty beat up, his clothes were tattered and dirty, he was walking with a limp, and he was covered in various cuts and scratches.

Andre spotted them, and a look of relief seemed to pass his face as he hobbled in their direction. Towards the left, Tyler saw something else, something pink. Oh cool! he thought. It was Pinkie Pie loading her signature party cannon! He watched her as she loaded in a box of confetti, reach for another box without looking, and dump it into the cannon as well.

"So, uh, why is she loading a cannon with a box of office supplies?” asked Noah.

Tyler double checked and saw the contents that were being dumped in. He realized that it was, in fact, labeled ‘Office Supplies’. He looked over and saw that it was aimed right at a small foal wearing a birthday cap.

He looked back and forth rapidly between the foal and the cannon, as the realization dawned on him. She loaded it with yet another box of confetti, his eyes widened. He ran as fast as he could toward the cannon, determined to not see the brains of a young pony splattered on the ground after being in Ponyville for only two hours. Noah and Adam didn't take notice of what Tyler saw though.

“Woah, Tyler, where are you going!” Noah shouted, utterly confused.

“He probably just had Taco Bell before he got here,” Adam answered.

“Not now, Adam.”

“Make me.”

“What?”

“You heard me.”

Tyler watched in horror as Pinkie Pie began to pull the string, everything went into slow motion for him. He was running as fast as his legs would carry him, intending to throw himself into the side of the cannon hoping his body weight would be enough to point it away from the foal. Just as the slack in the string was almost gone, Tyler impacted the cannon with his full body weight, knocking it away in a glorious display of girth and might, firing right after his fleshy impact. The sound was deafening to him, and being at the side of the cannon barrel didn't help muffle the sound either.

He watched in slow motion as the contents screamed forward. Unfortunately He saw that in his endeavor had inadvertently pointed the cannon right at Andre, maybe 12 yards away. Oh shit! Tyler thought, terrified for his friends safety.

A stapler make contact with Andres clearly African American forehead while travelling at speeds never before seen by man. Andre slumped to the ground, out cold. He dropped whatever he was holding, something white, and the stapler, now erased from existence by the friction generated by the sheer velocity of itself, had dissipated into nothingness.

Almost instantly, a pegasus was pretty much on top of Andre. She had a beautiful pink mane and light yellow body. Tyler immediately recognized her as Fluttershy.

“Oh my, he’s hurt!” she said, getting behind Andre. “Everypony out of my way!” she exclaimed, her voice reaching a volume equivalent to that of a field mouse being stepped on. She lifted the unconscious young man up onto her back, and flew back to her cottage as fast as she could.

“Guys,we gotta follow her,” Tyler said, already moving in the direction she was flying.

“Aw come on, do have you any idea what that kind of exercise will do to my figure?” Adam complained.

“Yes,” Noah replied, “it will alter it in such a way that your odds of reproduction besides artificial insemination drastically increase, now move it!”

---

As they approached Fluttershy’s cottage, they saw that the door was slightly open. Tyler walked up to the door and pushed it open further, looking inside. Fluttershy was frantically working to fix Andre up inside a room at the top of some steps, from bandaging his head to fluffing his pillows. She worked furiously, moving incredibly fast. Tyler knocked on the door a few times and asked permission to enter,“May we come in?”

Fluttershy stopped and looked at him for but a moment before quickly answering yes and resuming her busy-bee activity. They walked in and gathered around Andre, being careful not to get in the way. In about 20 minutes, Andre was patched up, and looked pretty out of it. There was also a bunny that she had been fixing up, which Tyler recognized as being the white object they saw with Andre earlier. Watching it sleep, curled up on Andres stomach almost drove Tyler to a HHHNNNNGGGGG attack.

Fluttershy had finally finished fixing their friend up and was preparing some soup for when he would wake up. She came over and set a bowl on the table next to Andre. Fluttershy took a seat on a pillow, and relaxed, having worked hard to help the strange injured creature. A small bunny came up to Fluttershy and pulled on her wing.

“Oh, hi Angel. How are you?” she asked. The bunny looked pissed, kind of like Fluttershy had wronged him. Perhaps he was insecure and felt like these new people were moving in on his lady. He looked at her with fierce contempt. After a moment he opened his mouth and pointed to it. It was clear that Angel was hungry.

“Oh, Angel, you’re hungry. Well, I’m tired right now. Can you maybe wait, like, five minutes for me to rest? I’ll make you some nice soup.”

It was not physically possible to recreate the face that that bunny was now making. Adam had begun watching the scene unfold with peculiar interest.

“Oh, come now, Angel. Please don’t make that face at me.” He persisted, intensifying his gaze. At this point he looked like a ravenous beast that could only be dealt with by proper application of a Holy Hand Grenade. Eventually she gave in.

“Fine. Go have some of the soup from the table. But only some, the rest is for... What’s his name?” She asked, turning to address us. Adam took advantage of this opportunity.

“His name is Fuckface,” Adam said, betraying no hint of shame whatsoever.

“Yes. Angel the rest of the soup is for Fuckface.” Noah and Tyler both face palmed, but couldnt help chuckling a little, especially Tyler, hearing such words come from the mouth of such an innocent creature.

Angel hopped on top of the table and began to eat the soup. After he ate about a fifth of it, Fluttershy spoke up.

“That’s enough, Angel. The rest is for Fuckface.” Adam laughed at this, while Tyler and Noah simply sighed. Angel did not heed her and continued eating.

“Oh, ok maybe just a little more,” she said, backing away. After another few seconds she moved closer. “Ok, that’s more than enough, Angel. Please stop eating.” Angel still would not comply. “Ok, just have it then,” Fluttershy said, backing away. Adam was livid.

“I am sorry, but I must object to this appeasement,” Adam said, stepping forward. “This is exactly the thing that caused World War II where we come from. A great and perilous war that claimed an entire generation throughout the globe!”

“What the frick is he talking about?” Noah whispered to Tyler.

“I have no idea.” he replied.

“You see, the people of Austria took a vote that said that the national religion be American English. This angered Hitler, and so he bombed the American Pearl Harbor. He argued that the American people were weak for their religion, and then the entire population of Germany was angry and began to take over all of Europe!” Adam was moving ever closer to Fluttershy, getting more and more wild-looking. Fluttershy was slowly inching backward, looking scared.

“EVENTUALLY OVER A HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE DIED IN THE WAR! IS THAT WHAT
YOU WANT? WAR?! YOU TERRORIST!”

---

“And then,” continued the Prosecutor, “he ran after the girl shouting things like ‘Get back here, Osama,’ and ‘You still have to answer for 9/11!’” Adam had been arrested shortly after his harassment of Fluttershy. A trial was quickly set up seeing as crime was virtually non existent in Ponyville. Also the fact that this was a simple public disturbance case helped move things along quickly as well. Within a little over four hours, the court room had been prepared, a jury was gathered, and a prosecuter found.

"Hmmm." The judge was not very amused. "And is this true?"

"Every word," Adam replied, with not even the slightest hesitation or conviction of regret.

"Ok, then. What do you have to say, Adam?" Adam opened his mouth, but Noah cut in before he could speak.

"Your Honor, I represent Adam so I will speak for him, as he is not capable of speaking for himself in a reasonable manner. You see, Adam here has a disorder called Asperger's, a specific disease classified under a horrible mental condition known as Autism where I am from. You see, he is not capable of discerning what is right and wrong in social situations. He is not an excellent example of our race. We are a spiritual, loving, caring, gentle people who are slow to anger, much as yourselves. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive Adam of his transgressions."

The judge seemed content with this answer. "Well, after hearing the testimony from the-" He stopped mid sentence. Looking around the room, he conveyed a sense that there was a problem. Everyone listened intently. Soon, it was obvious what she had stopped for; there was a quiet muffled sound that was coming from the door of the court room. It was growing ever louder, and more distinct, until it was obvious that someone VERY angry was approaching the door. Then, with a furious Sparta kick, the doors flew open.

"....piece of SHIT GOD DAMNED WHORE OF A HUMAN BEING!" said Cody.

"No way," Noah said, mouth agape. This was Cody Baker, Noah's closest friend in the world. He was not a brony, not even close. He was indifferent to the bronies, mostly. Cody turned his head, angry as only Noah could truly know. He looked at Adam, directly between himself and Noah. He pointed right at Adam and his eyes went from angry to bat-shit in 0.0214 seconds.

"YOU," he shouted, drawing closer to Adam. He was right in front of Adam and reached out, grabbed Adam by one of his many fat rolls, then proceeded to - lift Adam over his head!? - then place him back down, patting him on the head, smiling as he did so. He proceeded to turn back and face Noah and return to bat-shit insane attitude. He grabbed Noah by his shirt, and proceeded to slam him into the wall next to them, forearm against Noah's throat.

"Every time something bad or weird happens to me... every stroke of unluckiness, EVERY FUCKING PRACTICAL JOKE was you. EVERY. FUCKING. TIME. Now, WHERE THE HELL AM I, AND WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE TALKING HORSES EVERYWHERE!?"

The judge was not happy, not at all. "I beg your pardon, sir, but you must unhand him a-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP," shouted Cody, livid. He was not in the mood to be addressed by one of Noah's practical joke thingys.

"Excuse me?!" she said, wondering who would dare come into her court and say such things.

"You heard me, douchebag!" retorted Cody, nostrils flaring. Noah finally had the courage to speak.

"Cody, you're in Canterlot, the Royal City of Equestria. We are in a court room right now. That pony is a ju-"

"BULLSHIT! GET ME THE HELL BACK TO MY HOUSE, NOW!"

"I can't, Cody. At least, not that I am able to."

"STOP LYING TO ME, NOAH THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"

"Ahem." Both of them looked over at the door. There, standing in her royal splendor, was Princess Celestia. She looked stern, which signaled, to anypony who actually knew her well, that she was angry.

"My Princess," began the judge, "what are you doing here?"

"I heard that there was a trial going on involving a species never before seen in Equestria. I thought that it would be good to have myself here to develop a diplomacy between our peoples. And to you, sir," she said, turning to Cody. " I would very much like it if you would not use such vulgarity in one of my subjects courtrooms. As to getting you home, we can start working on returning you there if that is your wish."

"How long?" asked Cody.

"I do not know. Where are you from?"

"Your Majesty," Noah said. Even though he didn't know who Princess Celestia really was or her political power, he knew just from what he had witnessed that she was royalty. "we are from a place called Earth. We are not of this world. Where we come from, there is no undiscovered place, and we have mapped our globe. There is no Equestria where we are from."

"I see. Well if that is the case then I am currently unsure of how to return you to your world." If Cody was livid before, then not even God himself could have stopped Cody now.

"WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT IS THIS PISS YOU UNGODLY PIECE OF FUCK HORSE?!" Cody shouted. He ran at the Princess, completely out of control of his emotions. Her horn flickered and it's glow surrounded Cody, and just like that, he was gone. The room was completely silent for a few moments before Adam finally spoke up.

"This is WAY better than porn."

A/N

Adam, why do you always get us into trouble?

Worth it.

Maybe for you. But did you ever consider Andre or Noah or me?

I grow tired of your insolence.

Huh?

Beard powers, ACTIVATE!

Adam, you don't have beard pow- wait, what the shit?! OH DEAR GO -ACK-

I have power here. This is MY domain, mortal!