Shaking Off Bad Memories

by EileenSaysHi

We Only Want What We Deserve

"Oh... h-hi Sunset," Wallflower stammered out.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to surprise you," Sunset responded. "I figured you could hear me climbing over the seats—I didn't realize you hadn't noticed me."

"Huh," Wallflower said, the ghost of a smirk on her face. "Isn't that a change of pace." Sunset tensed up at the comment and, apparently noticing this, the green girl lowered her face into her hands. "I'm sorry, I really shouldn't have said that."

Sunset tried to respond No Wallflower, that's perfectly okay, but something stopped the words from escaping her mouth.

"I've just gotten into a bad habit of being, uh, self-deprecating—that's the phrase, right? Roseluck's been trying to help me break out of it. Y'know, so I can see myself more positively, or something. But it's kinda hard."

"No, I..." Sunset finally spoke. "I get it. It's fine. I didn't really mean to..." She didn't really want to finish that sentence. "How are you?"

"Me? Um..." Wallflower looked over, and Sunset's eyes followed. Cherry Crash was standing up to leave, but Micro Chips was still engrossed in his yearbook two rows in front of them—definitely within earshot. "Do we want to do this here?" Wallflower asked.

Sunset pondered for a moment. "Is there anywhere else we can go? Most of the rooms are locked up or about to be. And it's probably too hot to really sit outside..."

Just then, Micro Chips flipped to a particular page, stood up and looked over at Sunset and Wallflower. "This is excellent, you guys, really. Best-looking yearbook we've had. I mean, just look at the Robotics Club!" He held up his copy to the aforementioned page, which had prominent pictures of himself, Twilight and several of their projects (though JVJ-24601 had been conspicuously omitted). The next page, Sunset noticed, was the Gardening Club, with Wallflower and her new friends.

"You handled layout on all the club pages, right Wallflower?" Micro Chips asked. Wallflower nodded. "Great work. And you too, Sunset."

"Thanks," Sunset replied. "Sorry about that superlative thing."

"I was mostly joking about that. Mostly. See you at the party tomorrow!" And with that he strode off toward the exit.

"I... guess that solves that problem," Wallflower mused. Sunset, meanwhile, had grabbed Wallflower's yearbook, searching for the page Micro Chips had just presented to them. After a moment, she found it.

"He's right, by the way," Sunset commented. "I really do love how this year's edition turned out. You did a great job."

"Thanks," Wallflower replied.

"How is the garden, by the way?" Sunset asked, staring at the photo in the center of the page, which showed a very different place than the one she'd seen on Wallflower's computer screen—and eventually visited in person—a year prior. "It doesn't even really look like the same garden."

"Oh... in a manner of speaking, it really isn't. A lot of the plants didn't really stand up to the heat last summer, especially since I wasn't around to take care of them most of the time, so when we started the club again last fall, we basically started from scratch. Different plants, new designs..."

"You even took out that rock formation?" Sunset asked, noticing the three tall stones that had once given away the location's significance to her were no longer anywhere to be seen.

"Yeah," Wallflower replied. "I... wanted the whole place to look different. I loved the old garden, I really did, but I guess... when I saw I had the opportunity, I just wanted to let the past die. Build something truly new."

Sunset nodded. "You didn't want the reminder."

Wallflower shuddered. "It was too much."

Sunset tried to change the subject. "Why were you gone for so long last summer that you couldn't keep watch over the place?"

"Well..." Wallflower replied. "You remember I told you we were going up to my family's old cabin, up by the beaches at Silver Shoals?"

"Yeah?"

"Well... we ended up staying for longer than our usual week. I kinda, well, fell apart up there."

"Wallflower..." Sunset asked, the discomfort evident in her voice.

"It wasn't anything, like, scary-scary, in case you're worried. I... wouldn't. But it wasn't good. I was finally starting to feel the weight of everything that had happened those last weeks of school. What I did. I just kept thinking about it... not even just about you. That would be horrible enough. But there were also the memories I'd taken that were never coming back.

"I'd spent nearly a year with that stone," Wallflower continued, lifting her feet onto the chair and shifting herself into a fetal pose, her forehead resting on her knees. "And I just used it so casually... for so many pointless, stupid things. On so many people. And not even just for recent stuff... remember how Trixie said she didn't remember me from third grade? She really should, because I went to her birthday party that year. And I ruined it. Right in the middle of little Trixie's magic act, I got sick from the food at the crappy roller skating rink we were at and puked on the floor. And one day, 8 years later, I pointed a stone at her and removed all memories of me in elementary school from her mind, just because I happened to recall that moment."

Wallflower started to sniffle. "But it wasn't just other students... I used it on my parents, too. My parents. And when we were up there, alone, at that cabin... they kept talking about how they wanted to reconnect with me, because they felt like they hadn't seen me all year. I was so trigger-happy with that stupid stone that I'd estranged myself from my own family without even realizing it. And once I could do something like that, to people I love... it was only a matter of time before I did something unforgivable."

Sunset started to reach out to place a hand on Wallflower, but drew back. There was something dark in her, the same something that had stopped her from saying a reassuring word earlier, that wanted to see the girl who had hurt her so dearly, who had inflicted so much pain, in an agony of her own. To see her on the ground, pleading for contrition, and have the ability to decide whether to grant it. But Sunset was still struggling to see that part of herself for what it was.

"So I would just hide away, at that cabin," Wallflower went on. "Anytime I had the chance, I just went to my room, shut the door and cried. I couldn't stop myself, and if my parents tried to ask what was wrong I would make them leave, because I wasn't able to face them. I couldn't tell them what I'd done. What I'd become. And when we were supposed to go back, I begged them not to; I convinced them to stay there for weeks longer because I was too scared to go back to Canterlot. They both had to take sick leave from work because their daughter was having a nervous breakdown. And they never understood why."

Sunset finally forced herself past the dark cloud and reached out, but the second her fingers made contact with the other girl, Wallflower drew back, curling tighter into fetal position. "No! P-please don't! I don't want you to see my thoughts right now! They're... they're too..." And tears flooded her face as she broke down.

"I wasn’t trying to... I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I never reached out... I should have reached out. I'm still trying to figure out why I stopped contacting you. I never should have. It was wrong."

"N-n-no, Sunset," Wallflower choked out, "it would've been pointless... I wouldn't have said anything back..." She stood up and ran to grab a tissue, blowing her nose. "I... didn't deserve your help last year. Even after the stone was gone, I still tried to blame you, like you should have somehow noticed me even when I was erasing myself from everyone around me... I couldn't see myself for what I was and I took it out on you. And everything I've done since—the life I built—was only possible because of what I put you through. You shouldn't have to deal with me in your life."

Sunset could see that any effort Wallflower had been putting into trying to be calm and collected had utterly crumbled. Pain and anguish that had clearly been bottled up for some time was pouring out in those ugly sobs.

And the monster inside Sunset was hungrily lapping it up.

She could feel it whisper inside of her. The hatred, the sickening sensation she'd finally found the courage to admit to Rarity and to herself that weekend, was still there, still creeping in her mind and poisoning her thoughts. It told her to take it further. Make Wallflower suffer. Make her miserable. Remind her of every horrible thing she's ever done and remind her that she'll never escape those things. She deserves it. It's only a fraction of the pain you went through, after all.

But another thought crept through the storm in her mind, reminding her that once upon a time, she'd been in almost the exact same position as Wallflower. Haunted, guilt-ridden, terrified of the future, afraid to face her classmates, spending night after night wishing she could take everything back...

It wasn't a new thought. It was a thought, the only thought, that had kept her from blowing up in Wallflower's face more than once. It'd been a fate she'd wanted Wallflower to avoid in those first few weeks of sympathy. But once school ended and Wallflower went away, the darkness had emerged to try and smother that thought. To whisper in her ear that Wallflower didn't deserve her help, that she was beyond empathy, that dwelling on her would only hurt herself.

And now she knew that the voice was a lie. And that singular thought that had inspired her to mercy so many times was the only thing she should have ever listened to.

Ignoring Wallflower had done nothing for Sunset. It hadn't made life better or easier. It had made every moment the two of them were near each other painful. It had tricked her into swallowing her anxieties and putting on a false face of bravery in front of her friends, as if it would make them forget about everything; an illusion Rarity had shattered the past weekend. It had built a wall around Sunset, trapping her where she could never escape the fear and horror of those three days, leaving her to scream perpetually at a mocking facsimile of Wallflower that looked less and less like the real thing in every successive horrible dream. But that wall was giving way.

And now the real Wallflower was right there, falling to pieces in front of her, just as horrified by what had happened as she was. Her past was not today. She wasn't the monster of Sunset's nightmares. And she needed help.

"Wallflower," Sunset said as she stood up, walking over to the other girl. "I wish I could have been able to push past the pain on my own. I wish I could have been there for you the way I tried to be last year, helping you make friends and move on from who you once were, the way my friends did for me. I'm truly sorry I wasn't. But the truth is it was too much."

Sunset swallowed as Wallflower stopped crying, staring expectantly at her. "I, well..." she went on, "I think about those days a lot, still. What the Memory Stone took from me... what you took from me... I couldn't handle reflecting on it. It was my life. Everything I'd worked so hard to build, every relationship, every facet of who I was... gone, overnight. Watching my friends live their lives without me, not even missing me, thinking I could never win them back hurt me in a way I couldn't even articulate for so long. And when I got it all back with maybe minutes left to go, I just couldn't process it.

"After their memories returned," she continued, looking blankly off to the side, "my friends were desperate to make amends with me. Pinkie Pie kept throwing me surprise apology parties, Applejack got me a season pass for her favorite cider mill, Twilight started programming her Selfie-Bots with special cues to recognize me. Some of it was nice, at first, but in truth it was just scary and horrible. Like seeing Rarity just refuse to forgive herself, saying she was a monster. I didn’t want them to keep blaming themselves for what they said when it wasn’t really them. So I pushed my own feelings away, so I could be strong in front of them. But all that did was make the pain and bad feelings fester and grow."

She looked back at Wallflower, whose gaze hadn't faltered even after Sunset had broken eye contact. "After the sophomore Fall Formal, I used to think that I deserved everything bad that happened to me. That it was just karma for what I'd brought into this world, and how I spent my first few years here. The Memory Stone changed that, in a way it took me months to realize. It was the first time since I started trying to become a better person that I truly felt I'd been wronged. Deeply, personally wronged. And the more I realized that, the more I resented you for it. And I let that resentment turn into hate." She shuddered as Wallflower's eyes widened.

"You... really do hate me?" Wallflower asked.

"I did. Or rather, I hated a version of you. I blinded myself to the real you. I stopped trying to pay attention to who you really are and how you were evolving and let you become something twisted in my mind. Something as demonic as what I became at the Fall Formal. But no more. Rarity showed me—reminded me—that it was wrong for me to hide away from how I felt and not express it. But that doesn’t mean I have to accept those feelings without question." Sunset reached out in her mind and grasped the whispering, malevolent spectral thing. Summoning all her inner strength and empathy, she tore it apart like cotton candy and watched it dissipate underneath her. No more. No more control.

She stepped forward in front of Wallflower, who looked nervously at her but held firm, and gently placed a hand on her shoulder. "I think... we needed this time together. To really start to actually see each other. I think it's time I got to know the new Wallflower Blush."

Wallflower stared for a moment, and, after some hesitation, smiled weakly. "Maybe... maybe we can talk more in the garden?"

Sunset nodded and slowly returned the smile. "I'd love to."

Comments

[The Sleepless Beholder]

Great way to start this much needed conversation between the two. As it's put here, evading things like this due to them being difficult to confront leaves oneself open to a lot of ifs, maybes, and distortions of events, which end up creating something much worse that just grows in you the more time passes. Because ignoring a problem is not the same as getting closure from it, which is what Sunset and Wallflower need to truly move past those three days.

You're handling it very well, and I'm really excited to see how things go from here.

[ScisetShimmerEvan]

"Yeah," Wallflower replied. "I... wanted the whole place to look different. I loved the old garden, I really did, but I guess... when I saw I had the opportunity, I just wanted to let the past die. Build something truly new."

Good, those rock formations don't deserve to be there.

"I'd spent nearly a year with that stone," Wallflower continued, lifting her feet onto the chair and shifting herself into a fetal pose, her forehead resting on her knees. "And I just used it so casually... for so many pointless, stupid things. On so many people. And not even just for recent stuff... remember how Trixie said she didn't remember me from third grade? She really should, because I went to her birthday party that year. And I ruined it. Right in the middle of little Trixie's magic act, I got sick from the food at the crappy roller skating rink we were at and puked on the floor. And one day, 8 years later, I pointed a stone at her and removed all memories of me in elementary school from her mind, just because I happened to recall that moment."

"So I would just hide away, at that cabin," Wallflower went on. "Anytime I had the chance, I just went to my room, shut the door and cried. I couldn't stop myself, and if my parents tried to ask what was wrong I would make them leave, because I wasn't able to face them. I couldn't tell them what I'd done. What I'd become . And when we were supposed to go back, I begged them not to; I convinced them to stay there for weeks longer because I was too scared to go back to Canterlot. They both had to take sick leave from work because their daughter was having a nervous breakdown. And they never understood why."

Damn.

"N-n-no, Sunset," Wallflower choked out, "it would've been pointless... I wouldn't have said anything back..." She stood up and ran to grab a tissue, blowing her nose. "I... didn't deserve your help last year. Even after the stone was gone, I still tried to blame you, like you should have somehow noticed me even when I was erasing myself from everyone around me... I couldn't see myself for what I was and I took it out on you. And everything I've done since—the life I built—was only possible because of what I put you through. You shouldn't have to deal with me in your life."

I mean, I'd not to have her in mine, I have enough shit to deal with.

"After their memories returned," she continued, looking blankly off to the side, "my friends were desperate to make amends with me. Pinkie Pie kept throwing me surprise apology parties, Applejack got me a season pass for her favorite cider mill, Twilight started programming her Selfie-Bots with special cues to recognize me. Some of it was nice, at first, but in truth it was just scary and horrible. Like seeing Rarity just refuse to forgive herself, saying she was a monster. I didn’t want them to keep blaming themselves for what they said when it wasn’t really them. So I pushed my own feelings away, so I could be strong in front of them. But all that did was make the pain and bad feelings fester and grow."

I don't blame the girls for doing that stuff for Sunset. No, and I mean no one, deserves to be forgotten!

"You... really do hate me?" Wallflower asked.

I'll always hate you Wallflower. Your my least fav eqg character.

[gapty]

Sunset finally forced herself past the dark cloud and reached out, but the second her fingers made contact with the other girl, Wallflower drew back, curling tighter into fetal position. "No! P-please don't! I don't want you to see my thoughts right now! They're... they're too..." And tears flooded her face as she broke down.

Honestly, if there was a person who would be able to read my past and current thoughts at will, I would make sure to keep distance. It's a creepy power if you think about it

But oof, you pointed out well the heaviness of the usage of the memory stone. It has so much implications…

And the emotional talk was… emotional. Yep, I'm so creative in words

[Avery Day]

Something I adore about this chapter is Sunset acknowledging how her own feelings took a backseat in favor of forgiving her friends. They all 180'd on her, only for all of them to 180 once again 3 days later and anyone in that position would be terrified of losing everything again, and would feel (unintentionally) pressured to accept any amount of apologizing, even at the expense of ignoring the gaping emotional wound that'd leave.

Excellent work on that bit!

[Bicyclette]

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to surprise you," Sunset responded. "I figured you could hear me climbing over the seats—I didn't realize you hadn't noticed me."
"Huh," Wallflower said, the ghost of a smirk on her face. "Isn't that a change of pace."

gottem!

Sunset finally forced herself past the dark cloud and reached out, but the second her fingers made contact with the other girl, Wallflower drew back, curling tighter into fetal position. "No! P-please don't! I don't want you to see my thoughts right now! They're... they're too..." And tears flooded her face as she broke down.

oh yeah, definitely an understandable reaction to a mind-reader. honestly, Sunset has some interrogation to do herself about the ethics of using her stone-enabled magic powers!