Chapter 17
When the training was over, Celestia had a far healthier idea of what she had done wrong when Lyra had been coming for her in the throne room. Her careful planning had led to her being accepted by the Royal Guard at the end of training and smuggled back to the castle for the (great and) powerful illusion to be banished so she could collapse into bed for a week.
That didn't happen.
Instead, Celestia found herself burning with a newfound energy to improve one aspect of herself that she'd discovered to be deficient. "I failed to learn the spells, Luna."
"I warned Lyra you might, sister. You were never good at learning new magic—even if you are the most adept caster of what you do know." Listening to Lyra talk about the training, and now hearing her sister's account of it, Luna had started to consider submitting to it herself. "You know every spell there is and have studied them over—"
"Over a thousand years. Even those new ones Lyra's protege has been creating. I thought I had this." Looking at the tray of cakes before her, Celestia only took two for herself. "But these were simple spells! Whomever has heard of an alicorn needing to cast Carry-we Cloudwalking?"
"I bet Twilight learned it." Luna had to duck the cupcake that flew through the space where her head had been. She noticed that her sister caught the very same cupcake and brought it back to her plate. "You could have learned them before attending. The books Lyra has written are in your library."
"That's the worst part. I was so proud of her rampant publication—and I read those books—but I was blinded to my own need to learn the lessons in them." A cupcake helped lessen the hubris. The second one would help more. "I'm going to learn them now."
"Because your feelings are bent out of shape?" Luna asked.
"No. Well, yes, but seeing those ponies using such simple spells so effectively has made me want to learn more of them. I know the big and flashy magics, but Lyra didn't use anything big and flashy to break through my defenses and plant a pie in my face." The second cupcake did help. "Our guards have been trained to help them deal better with that sort of threat, and I'm halfway toward being better myself."
Luna, who was working through a stack of pancakes, gestured toward her sister with a fork. "Then study the book and have Lyra herself teach you. What purpose did this training serve?"
"It showed me what I should be. Also, running. I have never exactly relied on my earth pony side to carry my stamina, but I couldn't use it to the same extent there. They had ponies who could identify all forms of pony magic."
"You had to run?" Luna was grinning, the memory of the recruits running past her at a full gallop fresh in her memory. "Sister, you should banish them for such insolence!" Not quite quick enough this time, a chocolate cupcake impaled itself on Luna's horn. When it didn't immediately break off, she ignored it. "Honestly. Expecting their empress to be able to move out of her throne under her own power? What will they be doing next? Maybe they'll even realize all we do is sit up here in the castle and eat cupcakes all day!"
It was too much hyperbole for Celestia to withstand and she started to laugh. "Okay, okay! I'll admit, I let myself become rusty. I have thirty spells to make pretty lights and yet none that makes pretty lights so bright that they can dazzle a pony without blinding them. I didn't see any reason to learn that, but it would have stopped Lyra dead in her tracks."
"How would you stop it affecting yourself dead in your tracks too, though?"
"I could shield my eyes, but that wouldn't be a good idea. Help was coming and I only had to stop Lyra—even if it stopped me. Besides, shielding my face would have been the best way to signal to her that she needed to do the same." After reasoning her way through it, Celestia realized how a little training had adjusted her back to the more in-the-moment thinking of her youth.
Nodding, Luna chewed and swallowed her mouthful of pancake and sighed in contentment. "So you did learn something there?"
"Yes. I know I smuggled myself back to the castle as a Royal Guard, but I may have to join them in training." When she noticed Luna looking at her oddly, Celestia sighed. "You don't feel it too? There is something big coming. Maybe several somethings. The wheels of fate were insistent that I couldn't interfere in your return, in Discord's release, or Tirek's freedom. I have not felt that restriction on anything since."
Luna was about to ask how her sister would alter her plans, when a magic-borne magical snowflake of immense size floated down from the high vaulted ceiling of the throne room to hover over the table between them. Reacting first, she plucked it from the air with her magic and brought it close. "It seems Cadance and Shining have had their foal. It's an invitation to a crystalling. Isn't that an old crystal pony tradition?"
"It is. Cadance discussed it with me when she was last here. She's trying to make the world as familiar as possible for the crystal ponies and, with her foal on the way, she wanted to engage with them too. We have an important event to attend, it seems, and will need somepony to take care of things here. I'll give you two guesses." Grinning, Celestia caught the snowflake with her own magic when Luna was done with it.
"Two?"
"No."
Lyra Heartstrings snorted and poked Blue Blood in the side with her wing. "What? I thought you wanted more home duties, now you have a family of your own to worry about?"
"It's ridiculous. I've spent over a decade building this facade. Putting me in charge and not having me attempt to take as much power as I can would be completely compromising to my persona." He argued while he dressed, his outfit coming together as impeccably as ever.
"Exactly. And that's where I will come in. Right?" Lyra looked at Moon Dancer and raised an eyebrow.
"No. You don't. We let all these stupid factions fight each other for access to you, meanwhile you get to indulge in all manner of stupid behavior—as befits your persona—but accomplish nothing as we ensure that only the briefest of contact is made with your compatriots." The plan had taken them an hour of deliberating to put together. "Them" being Moon Dancer, Lyra Heartstrings, Minuette, and Twinkleshine. "Not only do we get to identify every single one of the worst detractors, but we get to hear their idiotic plans."
"I already know their idiotic plans. It's their serious ones—the ones they keep from me—that I am worried about." Swapping ties back and forth, Blue considered his options with only a thought toward the actual color coding of it. "If you can find those…" He decided the classic black bow tie would be best. "… then all this might be worth it."
"There's a bonus for you, too," Lyra said. She passed him the navy bow tie again. "And that is you get to do all sorts of stupidly Prince Blue Blood decrees rather than the ones they will want you to. They will be so maddened by it."
Blue paused and pondered both the situation and the tie. "Lyra, Moon, you've sold me on this idiocy." He plucked the blue bow tie from Lyra's magic with his own and tossed it back to the table. "But don't ever think either of you have better taste in clothing than I do."
Snorting at the put-down, Moon did absolutely terribly at hiding her resulting laughter.
"Oh, ha-ha. Look, my taste in clothes extends as far as steel and enchantments and no further. I thought the blue tie would suit you." She tried to get in a huff about it, but Blue put one huge foreleg around her withers and pulled her into a hug. "You can't appease me with a hug!"
"Like Tartarus I can't. I heard what you did to auntie. You'd literally do anything—even fight her—to accomplish what Equestria needs, wouldn't you?" He avoided ruffling Lyra's mane only because she'd already had over an hour spent on it by one of the maids.
"Ugh. Yes. You know I would. Celestia knows I would—or she'd have probably vaporized me before I got anywhere near her."
Squeezing Lyra, knowing he hadn't a hope of actually hurting her inside her ceremonial armor, Blue laughed. "And that's why I'll keep picking on you."
"Moon!" Lyra said, resisting Blue's attempt to rub his cheek against hers. "It's all off! Instead of making him ruler for a week, we're assassinating him."
Unable to help herself, Moon lifted her head from the paperwork floating before her and adjusted her glasses. "So back to plan A then?"
"Yup. Eliminate the ruler of Equestria, steal all the bits in the treasury, and escape to the dragon lands to a life of relaxation." Lyra booped Blue on the nose. "Unless a certain somepony lets me go this instant."
Still hugging her, Blue thought out loud, "So you're telling me I have to stop hugging and embarrassing the second most amazing mare in all Equestria? It's—"
"Are you still getting dressed?" Bread asked as she spotted her husband. "Put that unicorn down right now. You don't know where she's been."
Giggling, Lyra took a conspicuous step away when Blue let her go. "We were about to put our plan into effect. We're going to steal all the money in the treasury and run—"
"… away to the dragon lands. I know that one, Lyra." Bread, in the seclusion of the castle, didn't hesitate to nuzzle and kiss Blue. "I'll take half not to tip off the prince about it."
"Deal," Moon said, a moment before they all broke into a case of giggles.
Which is how Celestia and Luna found the quartet. "Nephew, you will take this seriously, I hope?" She looked at the three mares clustered around—at their almost-manic grins—and sighed. "Just make sure there's still a kingdom to return to."
"It's only one week. Tell them the final bit and let's go, sister." Luna was bored at how formal things in Equestria had gotten. All the pomp and ceremony did nothing for her.
Sighing, Celestia nodded to her sister. "Yes, yes. Nephew, if anything serious happens—"
"Stand behind Lyra and listen to whatever she says. You think I'd be so stupid as to let all this go to my head?" Blue asked, giving his adopted aunt a droll look. "I also have every civil advisor you possess to keep me abreast of any actual problems in that area. Now all I have to do is have a little fun, a lot of boredom, and play off the noble fools against each other."
"Perfect," Luna said. She winked at Blue, reached out a wing to make bodily contact with Celestia, and triggered her teleportation spell. The destination was her second favorite place in all of Canterlot. "Is our train ready?"
Phil nodded in assent. "The new royal express is steamed up and all your luggage has been loaded." When Luna came near, he didn't turn down the little nuzzle she gave his cheek. "Your Highness, there is room for you on the footplate."
Celestia hadn't seen her sister prance from hoof to hoof in place for quite some time. The display of affection was interesting to her too, but it was seeing her little sister excited for something in such a visceral way that had her heart lightening. "I'll be in our car."
Clearing his throat, Blue looked out across the gathered nobles in the throne room. He deployed a smile that was at once both dispassionate and fake—one of his best such if he had to admit it. "As all of you undoubtedly know, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, Empress of the Crystal Empire and ruler of the Northern Wastes, has had her foal. She and Prince-Consort Shining Armor, Emperor of the Crystal Empire, have invited anypony who's anypony to the frigid northern area to celebrate the birth and crystalling of their daughter, Princess Flurry Heart, Heir Apparent of the Crystal Empire.
"Both my aunt, Princess Celestia, Co-Ruler of Equestria and Raiser of the Sun, and Princess Luna, Co-Ruler of Equestria and Bringer of Darkness, are attending with their guards. As such, I have requested the services of the E.U.P. Guard to provide a detail suitable to an important pony such as myself and they have lent me a pony they assure me is the best guard they have available." Blue waited for the self-deprecating humor to fly completely over the heads of his audience before continuing. "So, as is plain, I have control of all Equestria until further notice. I will hold court here daily. I will dispense my royal will as I see fit. And, I assure you, I will not be swayed in my pursuit of what is right."
It was a right pretty speech, and Blue was proud of it. It said nothing and implied everything. The only thing he wished was for it to have gone for another hour or two. He made a mental note to set homework for the foals in his aunty's school to each write a two thousand word essay on the ethics of leadership—for next time.
"Nice work. You want me to eject anypony who tries to get close to you now?" Lyra asked, sotto voce.
"Eject them where?" Blue asked, equally quiet, as he and Lyra walked up the dais stairs to the pair of thrones.
"I was thinking Baltimare. I wanted to test the range of my teleportation spells…"
It took everything Blue had to not laugh right away, though he loosed a chuckle as his mind imagined all the courtiers in the throne room appearing a few hundred pony-lengths above downtown Baltimare. "If I said to do it, would you?"
"Probably not. Most are too scrawny to properly use as test cases, and the rest would make us both feel bad. Here's your new seat, Your Royal Highness." Lyra turned and stood beside the chair, a not-at-all powerful spear held before her as if it was a true Royal Guard one, and waited for Blue to sit on Celestia's throne.
The first decree was already planned. Blue didn't need to think about it, but he did embellish a little. "My first decree is thus. The ruler will not give any further decrees unless there is ice cream provided to him. Chocolate and mint." He looked to Lyra. "Your preference?"
"Double chocolate with strawberry pieces."
"And double chocolate with strawberry pieces," Blue said. As the castle maid standing at the door rushed out to pass on the order, Blue noticed one of the courtiers step forward and open her mouth. "I simply can't listen to any business until my needs are met. Surely you wouldn't ask Aunt Celestia to hold court without having her breakfast first?"
No questions were taken and no pleas heard until Lyra and Blue both had ice cream. At last the first petitioner extracted themselves from the petty arguing going on around the room and cleared their throat. "Your most excellent Royal Highness, might I suggest a few little changes to the taxation system?"
"Of course." Blue smiled freely and ate some more ice cream while the mare spent the next hour explaining their tiny little adjustment to business taxation. He kept an eye on the other petitioners to discern how bad this particular change would be. Those that he knew were in cahoots with the mare were doing the worst job ever hiding their glee, while those that were her competition looked like they'd just been force-fed lemons. "Well, that sounds too much to handle in one day, so court is adjourned for the rest of the day while I explore it."
He made a big ceremony of walking down the dais, over to the side door, and into the private section of the castle. As soon as the door was closed behind Blue, Lyra turned to the assembled. "Please make your way out in an orderly manner. His Royal Highness will hold court again tomorrow."
The noble courtiers shuffled around a little, but with no further audience planned and with no one of standing to talk to, they made their way out. All but two, who closed the big double doors behind the last of them.
"If I didn't know he was a master of information gathering, diplomacy, and controlling ponies—I'd assume we just saw a greedy stallion ask for ice cream, then eat it while the second most powerful noble mare in the city tried to launch a direct attack on her political enemies, and then blow her off to take an afternoon of leisure," Jet Set said, letting the tiniest hint of a smile form on his lips.
"Second most powerful noble mare?" Upper Crust asked, her voice purring. "You are as eloquent as always, dear." She turned to look at Lyra with a wider smile. She had finally figured out Lyra Heartstrings, and the mare terrified and placated her in equal measure. Directness was usually the best way to handle her. "What's the game?"
"Thinning the herd," Lyra said. "Don't make any suggestions. Take the week off if you'd like. There will be no business conducted."
It was as straight forward an answer as Upper's question had been. "Now you have my curiosity. First you tell me you're dealing with some of my rivals, then you tell me not to bring popcorn?"
Laughing, Lyra shook her head. "You're both crazy and deserve each other. Now, go on a holiday or something."
"They'll get wise if this is your only ploy." Jet made his way over to his wife and kissed her cheek. "I believe we'll be sticking around for this one. At worst, it will be a laugh—at best, you can use us to get under their skin."
Tucking that information away, Lyra started to head toward the door that led to the kitchen. "Let yourselves out. If you plan to hang around for the week, attend tomorrow—otherwise don't show up." She left the throne room and sighed with relief once the door was closed. Blue was nowhere to be seen.
There was a place that had become the primary seat of all of Blue's meetings. He settled himself at the table and looked out over the rest of the kitchen. "That was a lot of fun." When a young chef set a tray of sandwiches before him, Blue looked at the stallion's face. "Thank you."
"You're welcome, Si—"
Waiting to see if the newest chef in the kitchen would use an honorific, Blue was relieved when the chef instead spun around and raced back into the kitchen proper. "He'll learn eventually."
"Why do you do that to ponies?" Lyra asked as she sat down at the table. "You know he's spent a year now having all these crazy social rules drummed into his head on top of his cooking talent, and now you're adding to his stress."
"You know that's not the point, Lyra. I found true love in this kitchen—it is officially a place where anypony can talk to me. Even Gretchen learned to call me Blue. Of course, now she just calls me Hey, you, what are you doing in my kitchen? Scram! But she does it with appropriate poise." Being ordered around while in the head chef's domain was one of Blue's little pleasures in life. Here he was treated as exactly what he was, not who he was. "What did Jet and Upper want?"
"They wanted to know the game. Upper is working on a way to personally gain from it, Jet is genuinely interested in what we plan to do. Both will be amenable to playing parts if they are present tomorrow. I warned them both not to forward any business." Picking up one of the jam sandwiches, Lyra lamented that it wouldn't have any Vegemite in it.
"You think Moon and her goons would have roughed them up too much?"
"She'd tear their business apart. They have made a superb monopoly by aligning themselves with Luna's projects. To have that income disrupted would cripple them and leave the princess frowning at me. At us. I don't know about you, Blue, but I don't like to see Luna frown."
"Luna's frowns are of less consequence when they aren't aimed at myself, ponies I care about, or objects that would be a shame to have destroyed. Jet and Upper are good ponies. When they discovered Luna's love for anything that rolls on rails, they worked to secure ownership of Equestria's rail network. I doubt they would be as devastated by Moon's efforts as you think, but their concerns shrinking would mean they'd be less likely to indulge our princess of the night."
Laughing, Lyra reached a hoof up and poked Blue on the nose. "You went from not overly caring about her frowns, to big softie, in the same sentence. Way to show you're not twisted around her hoof."
"Whose hoof is my husband twisted around?" Slipping into the seat beside Blue, Bread Basket had to stretch to reach his cheek to kiss it.
Not content, Blue leaned down and tilted Bread's jaw perfectly so their lips could meet in a far more special-someponies kiss. Before he'd met her, Blue had been struggling to find a reason to keep up his charade that didn't include Celestia needs my help. Now he had an amazing partner in life who was a symbol of everything he wanted to preserve. When the kiss broke, he put his foreleg around her back and squeezed her against his side. "We were discussing what would happen if we upset Princess Luna."
"Don't do that," Bread said. It was a simple matter for her. "What are you up to?" Turning to glare at Lyra, she asked, "What are you getting my poor husband involved in?"
"Overthrowing the crown, taking power, becoming a champion of the ponies…" Rattling the list off, Lyra circled one hoof in the air slowly. "The usual stuff."
"We're tempting the less dedicated of the nobles by giving them a very real chance at having their champion take the throne. What was it you said it's called, Lyra?" Blue asked.
"Giving them just enough rope to tie themselves up." Lyra had long since adapted and learned the fine art of adjusting jokes to Equestrian sensibilities, though Monty Python ones she always adjusted a little less.
"Ah. Well, you two have fun with that. As emperor, or king, or whatever— Will we be able to have a formal wedding?" All of Bread's attention was on Blue.
"Most ponies only ever get one wedding." Keeping a grin plastered on his face, Blue kissed Bread, but only a little peck this time. "Maybe I will announce it."
"Celestia will have kittens if she finds out you did that," Lyra said. "But, Mum can help her with that. I say go for it. It would need to be held by the end of the week or she'll sweep it all up and call things off."
"I'm fine with that, so long as I get to walk beside this wonderful stallion in public."
Sometimes, a mare can't resist having fun. Upper Crust wandered into the throne room, smiling and nodding to the few E.U.P. Guard that were manning the doors, and saw Blue Blood sitting on his throne with what looked like an excited smile. She wasn't absolutely sure, though, because she'd never seen him with any expression except painfully bored.
"… he sent fifteen gallons of ice cream to my townhouse. How am I meant to deal with that?"
"Buy a bigger chiller?"
"Oh. Ha-ha. Very funny. I don't trust him anymore, but this opportunity is too great. We— Crust just walked in."
Gossip and backstabbing was normal for the three noble scions Upper heard. Even gossip about herself wasn't all that uncommon. She'd purchased and doubled down on all manner of things that had confused her rivals, and she'd done well out of them simply for listening to what the princesses' advisors had let slip. "Short Sell, Golden Knife, Peony, how simply delightful to see you here. I don't suppose our prince has upended anything important today?"
"He hasn't even started. Looks smug about something, though. Damn fool will be wanting more ice cream, I bet," Short Sell, a young stallion who had a cutie mark that was a coin broken into pieces, said.
"I tried to have an audience with him, but that damned guard is everywhere he goes. Worse, I think she can teleport." Peony hadn't been born into her title, like the others, she'd brown-nosed her way to the almost-top.
"Unicorn?" Upper asked. "Golden aura?" When she got a curt nod from the mare, she sighed. "I have some information on her, but let's not broadcast it for all and sundry." She hadn't forgotten the warning. She resolved to ask Lyra later what she should misinform the little gaggle with.
"Ahem." Blue cleared his throat and sat up a little straighter. "Is there any business anypony wishes to bring up?"
Looking around the assembly, Lyra discounted all the ponies she'd had words with—the elite of Canterlot that were trusted—but settled her gaze on Upper. Under her breath, Lyra muttered, "Don't do it, Upper. Play ball."
"I would like to inquire on the outcome of my fiscal reforms that I proposed." Short Sell was a master of dodging paying the crown its dues already, the reforms he wanted seemed sane and logical, but were designed to give him a way to avoid those dues completely. "I spent quite a bit of time on them, and—"
"Yes, yes. I forwarded them to whomever it was Auntie said I should, they said they're taking this as a sign that reforms are sought after and are forming a committee to redraft the entire code. But that's all boring stuff. I'm sure you'll be delighted with all the changes that will be made." He knew she wouldn't be. Reforming these laws had been something that had been put off by Celestia because she didn't want to rock the boat for the nobles—but with Short Sell being the one to speak the magic words, all manner of things could now be done and all credit given to him. "No doubt everypony will be happy with the results and, credit where it's due, we will have to call them the Short Sell Fiscal Reforms."
To anyone watching, especially Upper Crust, what Blue delivered was ostracism, bankruptcy, and a slap in the face with one little announcement. Upper now had an idea of the kind of ammunition that Lyra was using to back up her warning.
"Would anypony else like to put anything forward? I'm excited to get so much done this week without Auntie looking over my shoulder." Bait and hook. Blue looked around the room, but there were no takers. Time for the distraction. "Well, that's boring, but worry not. I have an announcement to make. Turning his head to look at the last mare to arrive, Blue climbed off the throne and started walking down the long stairs to the floor of the throne room, his eyes fixed on those of the approaching mare. "Lady Bread Basket, will you do me the honor of marrying me?"
"Only if we can have the wedding before the weekend." Her whole body wanting to bounce, Bread managed to hold relatively still despite the script they'd put together. "We'll need somepony to officiate. A princess, captain of the Guard, or—"
Clearing her throat, Lyra stepped forward. "Captain Lyra Heartstrings, at your service. We may not have any princesses around, but the Guard is always happy to lend a hoof in these matters." When Bread and Blue started to kiss, Lyra moved on with the script. "If everypony would like to take their leave, I'll try to have them apart so you can have afternoon court."
The laughs were all socially acceptable, soft, and faded quicker than they'd come. It was also a sign that things were done for the morning. Upper turned with the others but walked slower than they did, finally reaching the doors last and stepping aside rather than taking them out of the throne room. She counted slowly to twenty and turned, fixing Lyra with a single raised eyebrow.
"I warned you. This will be a massacre," Lyra said.
"Yes, well, I hadn't expected it to be quite so fierce. I have learned, over the last several years, to listen to your counsel. So, you said there would be a part in this for me. Whom do I get to skewer?" Peripherally, Upper noticed that Blue and Bread had become lost to an encore of the original kiss. "I don't think I've ever told royalty to get a room before."
Lyra smirked and teleported in a folder, passed it to Upper, and nodded toward the ubiquitous side door. "Technically, this is his room. Come on, Princess Luna won't mind if we use her audience chamber."
"I doubt that, but stranger things are ahoof here." Luna's audience chamber wasn't unknown to Upper. With her efforts to become the single owner of all Equestria's rail network had meant she was often called to private meetings with Luna. Once they were both in, seated, and a maid had brought them cakes and tea, she'd finally had enough of waiting. "So, apart from this"—she flourished the script—"what am I going to do here? Is there a project the princess wants me to accomplish?"
"Nothing you're not already doing. You seem gifted in the art of finding out her heart's desire and delivering it to her on a platter; a platter with your name on it in bold writing so she knows who brought her the shiny thing, but a platter nonetheless. This whole side deal is to thin out those whose alignment is not with Equestria's good." Lyra had learned speeches from the best and worst. From sergeants in the E.U.P. Guard to Celestia herself, she'd studied how language could deliver information and spent almost as much time trying to not use it. "So I propose its opposite. You wish to make the princesses' jobs easier while building an empire, let's do that. What do you want to do with the rest of your life? Do you want a title? Maybe give you all the bits in the treasury to coddle and care for?"
"Stop that. You can't promise those things, nopony short of a princ—" And with that Upper Crust froze. She stared at Lyra and the stretched-out wings on her back. "If this is a joke…" When Celestia and Luna didn't jump out of a stray cushion cover, she decided that it probably wasn't a joke. "This isn't announced yet, which means this is recent. Nopony can keep this a secret."
"And yet we have. I don't actually plan to become a princess, so keep any bowing and scraping to yourself, but I wanted to make sure you knew enough about the future to roll you neatly into our plans. I trust you, Upper, because you are a rare pony. I've met many who want what's best for Equestria as a concept, but you truly want to see this country continue forever, as a paradise, don't you?"
"My father brought me up in the old-fashioned ways. Chivalry, princesses, and all that. I was born with the proverbial silver spoon in my mouth, but that stallion made sure I knew what was important. Oh, I might be a little cutthroat about it, and some ponies might dislike my business practices, but I don't do business to Equestria's detriment." The elephant in the room was growing, though, and so Upper finally asked, "I am allowed some questions about—this?"
"Alicorn of backups, that's me. It's a bunch of metaphysical stuff involving the sources of all magic that ponies use, the wellsprings of them, and making sure that there will be magic forever." Every day Lyra felt more comfortable with the role and with the magic both. She was making good inroads on chaos magic, though that was on a slight pause for a few weeks, and Luna had helped her practice holding the more commonly used magic sources. "Anything else before we restructure your business concerns?"
"My what?" The statement broke the spell of Lyra's wings. Upper stared at the mare and asked, "What exactly do you plan?"
"Your contemporaries seem to believe you are being favored by the crown unjustly. What would they see as the biggest punishment possible, that is also a reward?"
Upper rolled her eyes and chuckled. "Oh, I don't know, put me in charge of the treasury."
"Okay."
Two days was all it had taken for Upper Crust's life to be turned upside down. She'd been comfortable. She'd been rich. She had the ear of alicorns (one more than she'd realized). What she had now, though, was work.
It'd been a joke of a thing to say, but she was sure that Lyra would have angled the conversation to the treasury position anyway. It had turned out that the head of the treasury was retiring. She had been played and stitched up—and when she'd sat down and gotten her head around her new position, she could finally see its scope and reach.
Given the payment system Equestria used, bits flowed out and came back in constantly. There was a sea of money in the country, and now Upper Crust had to tame it. She had given the department a whole week of calm. Things would continue as they always had for seven days.
"I thought there'd be a uniform," Upper said.
"It's a little late to change your mind and join the Guard, but you could become a reservist if you are willing to do the—" Lyra let Upper's glare cut her off better than words could have. "You have a meeting today."
Lowering her offended eyebrow back into place, Upper said, "I am still working through the operations documents. Tell them to come back in a week." When Lyra didn't look crestfallen, Upper narrowed her eyes. "If you want me to use my not inconsiderable talents to improve this department, then you're going to have to let me get a sense of it. Whatever this is, can wa—"
"It's Moon Dancer and your own head of finances. They wish to start drafting the new taxation reforms."
Upper thought about it. "Okay. I'll see them. This isn't something I specifically have to write myself, but I won't let a single drop of ink leave this place that I haven't verified myself."
"That's why I put your name forward for the job. I trust you, Upper. Crazy, right?"
"Yes to the crazy, not to trusting me. Alright, send them in, but I don't want to see you for a month." Upper made a shooing motion with her hoof. Her new office was large at least, spacious and had a huge desk. "Except for the wedding."
Nodding, Lyra walked to the door and waved to Upper with one wing. "I'll see you around." She tucked it back into her armor before leaving the room. With the door closed behind her, Lyra left the treasury building and headed to Guard headquarters.
She passed the guards at the gate with a casual salute and a few supportive words, then headed to Stiff Peaks' office. The smells coming from within had her attention as she slipped into the large kitchen—being spicy and fragrant. She knew the recipe. "Something smells good," she said.
"Several of those recipes you gave me have become exceedingly popular among the Guard." Stiff was stirring a huge pot filled with a bubbling yellow curry. "The next commanders' meeting will include a vote as to which will be going into standard rations."
"That'll make Scoots happy, I bet. So, ready for your holiday?"
Stiff stopped stirring and closed his eyes. "Can you say that word again?"
"Holiday?"
Breathing out slowly, Stiff nodded. "That's the good stuff right there. I love every part of my job, but I have needed some time away from this place for more years than I can count. The first entire day I'm not going to get out of bed. Not once. I'll lay there, nibbling on whatever rations I can reach, and I won't even run."
"Liar." Levitating a kitchen spoon over, she took a small sample of the butter-based curry and let out a whine. "More dried chili and it needs—"
"It needs another half hour of simmering. I know. We divide the batch ten minutes before it's done, spice one all the way to an inferno and leave the other like this. Not everypony likes it spicy." Deploying his cloth, Stiff shooed Lyra back from his curry. "And I'll be adding halved eggs to it five minutes before it comes off the heat."
"Okay, okay." Lyra laughed as she backed up. "I shouldn't have questioned a pony whose special talent is cooking."
"That's right, and don't you forget it." Poking her with the handle of a spoon, Stiff asked, "I thought you were busy at the castle all week?"
"I am. Today I am doing the most vital work—keeping away and letting the sharks take the bait." Looking around, she spotted a crate of apples. "Do you need these cut up?"
"Yes, please, drop them in some water. Sharks, huh?"
"I've been by Blue's side all week. Nopony has gotten to slip little lies in his ears, and being away today is their big chance. Today will do more to uncover ongoing threats in the courtiers than anything else we've done for a year." Fetching a big tub, Lyra started it filling with water while she plucked the first apple off the top. "Any particular way you want them cut?"
"Eighths. I want to make some apple pies, and got those delivered from Ponyville earlier today. Nothing better than fresh apples for hungry appetites. As for your politicking…" Turning his head, Stiff gave Lyra his best stern stare. "I thought I trained you better than that?"
A little focus and Lyra constructed several tiny spells. One to pick up, one to cut, and one to toss the eighths into the tub of water. Powering each, since they were constant effects, wouldn't drain her in a noticeable way. "If you want to keep that dream alive, Stiff, you never want to take a position working with an alicorn."
"Thanks for the tip. Not something I ever planned, though." He stopped and watched for a moment as Lyra set up two more lines of spells. "Remind me again why I never kept you on as my sous chef?"
"Because I would never live up to your exacting standards." Catching him watching her, Lyra asked, "Anything else you want prepared?"
There were always plenty of jobs going in a big kitchen, and Lyra was content to buckle down and work when Stiff started throwing things to her to do. Other ponies came in, permanent staff who worked in the kitchens each night. Lyra had been on the line often enough that she knew her place and how to work with the team.
What helped her relax into her work was that Guard rank meant nothing in the kitchen. Stiff and his sous chef ordered her around and she did what they asked, all the while keeping up a patter of conversation. When all the food was cooked, she left the kitchen with Stiff to sit among the new corporals.
Sans Scootaloo, who had already decided exactly what she wanted to do with her Guard career, the ponies gathered were enjoying their meal while Lyra and Stiff got to talk. "You need a bigger mess. Barracks too, I'm guessing?" Lyra asked.
"Tell me about it. This is just the recruits who are unsure where they want to go. We had to feed the main group in two shifts." With a bowl of curry before them each, Stiff was more relaxed after some time in the kitchen. "Trying to secure the funding hasn't been easy. The latest news was that the royal treasury's head had retired and no one there had the authority to sign off on anything, so no new funding was possible— Why are you smiling?"
Dunking some roti in her curry, Lyra scooped some of the delicious sauce and vegetables up with it. "Mmmmm no reason. I promise I'll have funding approval by the time you return."
"What's your angle? What will this cost me?"
"This curry is great. Your adaptation to allow lower heat doesn't hurt the spicy version much at all." Filling in some silence with eating, Lyra sighed as Stiff's glare hadn't changed. "Nothing. It costs you nothing. Part of all this politicking that you claim not to like was organizing the perfect mare to be in position to take over at the treasury. She's going to have a week to get acquainted, and then she'll be accepting new business."
"How do you do this?"
"What?"
"This!" Stiff gestured at Lyra with a hoof. "You happened to have arranged for a new treasury head and then come in here and it happens that we need new funding but haven't been able to get it because the treasury was in caretaker?"
Tapping her chin absently, Lyra shrugged. "I didn't try to make them retire, if that's what you're asking. That the Guard is seeing an uptick in recruitment isn't directly my fault. So, yeah, just a happy coincidence."
"I give up. If you're playing some kind of game, I don't care anymore. Get me the funding for those buildings and I will never ask about it again." Disgruntled with not finding out the answer, Stiff turned his full attention to his food. When he missed Lyra's next words, he had to look up and ask, "What was that?"
"I asked if you want to lead a detail at the wedding tomorrow?"
"Right. I heard something about a wedding at the castle. With all three princesses gone, whose wedding would be important enough to have at the castle?" Watching as some of the recruits looked like they'd bitten into a raw chili, Stiff shook his head at their antics.
"Prince Blue Blood is marrying Lady Bread Basket. It's been in the works for a long time, but the princess was holding it up for the right moment. You know how such things are." The blank look back told Lyra he didn't, but she had no intentions of stopping now. "And, with her out of the country for the week and Blue in charge, he said it would be so."
"It's all deals and costs up there in the castle, isn't it? Well, I can have my sergeants polish their armor and bring a squad of recruits each. We can have an afternoon contest to see who gets to attend." Then a wonderful, terrible idea hit Stiff. "You're not needed at the castle for the rest of the day?"
Lyra hadn't survived as a sergeant for several years, and been promoted from the rank, to not smell extra duties when it was coming. Of course, being who she was, she beamed. "What have you got for me?"
"Something you'll enjoy. The entire remaining recruits against you. Each pony that manages to score a touch gets to pick another to join them in the detail. That will promote teamwork. You'll do it, of course, because otherwise I could never figure out who to send. Am I doing this right? This is how things work up at the castle?"
"You're just lucky I don't outrank you," Lyra said.
"Ha!" Holding a piece of roti in his hoof, Stiff jabbed it in Lyra's direction. "You'd have to grow wings for that."
Fate, Lyra knew, had a way of setting up jokes. For all the headaches becoming an alicorn was giving her, there were moments where she could have fun with it. "My path of destiny might be complex, Stiff, but I sure hope it doesn't put my cutie marks on a seat that important."
Standing up, Stiff looked out over the ponies present. "For many of you, tomorrow will be your last day with us. It will be a memorable day for some, made more so thanks to an invitation by Captain Lyra Heartstrings. She's in charge of providing a detail at the castle for a royal wedding tomorrow.
"There are too many of you, so I have proposed a challenge. The first of you to touch the captain will be able to attend with one other of their choice. You have until you're done in the mess to prepare." He looked down at Lyra. "Captain, I'd suggest you eat fast."
In response, Lyra threw up a barrier spell. Containing herself, her dinner, and Stiff, she started to eat faster.
"That won't hold them forever."
Gulping down the last of the delicious curry, Lyra laughed. "I know. They should be starting to figure out they can teleport through it any second now, but I don't waste good food somepony has cooked for me." She grabbed up a piece of roti and scooped up the last of the curry from the bowl she'd been eating from and, just as she popped it in her mouth and planned her first teleport, a unicorn mare teleported in and poked her. She gave a wink and vanished from the bubble moments before more teleportees arrived.
Outside the mess hall, Lyra appeared and set off at a slow trot. Her first target was the nearest combat field. Stiff had wanted her to play a game, but she wanted to make there be a way to win.
"There she is!"
The shout had come from behind her, and it made Lyra smile as she stepped onto the soft grass. Inhaling the chill and crisp air, she reached the center of the platform as the first ponies reached the edge of it. "Four of you will get to touch me here, then I'm going to do some running." She evaded the first pegasi who'd thought to surprise her from behind with an emergency teleport to behind them. "Then four more of you will touch me."
She was teleporting rapidly now, blinking around in a random pattern—a truly random pattern. It wasn't hard to make use of chaos magic because it wanted to be used. She pomfed in and out so fast that it wasn't until four earth ponies cornered her that she finally halted and let each touch her.
Darkness wrapped around Lyra like cozy snuggles on a new-moon-night. She watched the astonished stares of the four earth ponies as she poured so much magic into the darkness spell that she simply outpaced their ability to ground her. Then she ran.
With the smoke of darkness flowing off her, once she was a suitable distance away, Lyra heard the thunder of hooves and not a few teleports as her pursuers took up the chase again.
The teleports always came up short because Lyra was expending ridiculous amounts of magic deflecting their approaches. She could have simply grounded their advances, but she didn't want to show off alicorn traits—or put ponies in the hospital.
Eventually a pegasus realized this was an unwinnable foot race and took to the sky. It had been so easy to fly up and prod Lyra that they'd broken into laughter and landed.
When three more had caught up to her, Lyra figured it was time for unicorns to do their thing again. She started using reactive teleports, sending the pegasi still trying to catch her behind the pack of earth ponies and unicorns—and stopped repelling the various teleports that the unicorns were trying. When one appeared beside her, and touched her shoulder, she gave them a nod. "Out of juice now, right?"
Nodding, the unicorn still had a big grin.
"Well, time to call this quits when two more make it. That should do as an honor guard." Looking at the unicorn, Lyra asked, "Can you keep up this pace?" When they nodded, Lyra took that as a sign she needed to pick up the pace. If anypony asked, she wouldn't admit to feeling her wings tingle as she drove herself into a faster gallop.
She let two more unicorns build up their magic enough to teleport to her before again parrying their teleport spells.
As she rounded the outer ring of the city and passed by the entrance to the castle, Lyra winked up at the E.U.P. Guards at the main entrance. The rest of her run was without getting touched until, right at the end, a unicorn parted the ground at her feet and reached up to prod her forehoof as she entered the front gate. It came as such a surprise that Lyra broke into a laugh. "Okay, that's enough. I didn't need another pair, but pick whomever you want and bring them. You'll get special duty."
Flashing Smile, the unicorn in question, had to wiggle and squirm to get the rest of himself out of the hole he'd made.
"And you!" Lyra returned the lazy salute of the gate guards. "Why didn't you warn me? You had to have seen him digging."
"Sir, of course we saw him, sir." Dawdle stared ahead, ignoring the fact a captain was right beside him. He was on guard duty, after all. "And we absolutely did not laugh as he dug in, or when you approached, and you'll note we're not laughing now, sir!"
"But you will the moment I'm out of earshot." Rolling her eyes, Lyra pondered playing a prank on them, but decided against it. Heading back toward a grinning Stiff Peaks, she decided that on top of the regular honor guard, they'd definitely need two more ponies to stand with her to protect Blue. "What's your name?" she asked.
"Corporal Flashing Smile, sir."
"You don't need to sir me. Do you know a cleaning spell? You're still covered in dirt." When the stallion shook his head, Lyra obliged and removed the dirt from him. "I hope you've been polishing your armor, because you're going to be front and center tomorrow."
It was hard not to ask a question with sir at the start of it. Flashing was from a family of guardponies who were themselves offspring of guardponies. Having a captain beside him made him more nervous than the time he'd stuffed half a bee hive in his cousin's suitcase. "Special duty?"
"Have you ever been an honor guard for a prince before?" Lyra asked.
Flashing's eyes widened and he shook his head. "No!"
"In the Guard, you'll get asked to do a lot of things you haven't done before. Sometimes you'll have to come up with solutions that nopony has thought of before—like burying yourself underground and ambushing a target when they least expect it. How'd you come up with that?"
"I've heard about you from my sister. She told me that you are a better unicorn than anypony else in the Guard or not. I figured trying to fight you wouldn't work, and you'd see any tricks coming, so I had to come at you from a direction you couldn't." Trotting at Lyra's side, Flashing let loose with his namesake. "It worked."
"That's the best mindset for any member of the Guard. Knowing what to do and when to take a risk. Have you decided what branch of the Guard you'll be going into?" Always ready to move on a hint of destiny, Lyra didn't doubt for a second that Flashing Smile would have an important role at some point. Everyone did, she mused, but harmony kept steering the important ones her way.
"Not yet. The sergeants said I will have to make a choice soon, or roll a dice."
"Let's go through them; see what you think. Royal Guard?" Lyra asked.
"I'd get bored standing still all day, even if there are times when action is needed. I don't think—"
"Royal Dragoons?"
"They interest me more than the Royal Guard. I don't think I have what it takes to fill an aggressive combat role, though." When Lyra raised an eyebrow at him, Flashing shrugged. "I want to protect ponies."
"But not wait around for them to need protecting?"
"Yeah."
"So Police is out too. Monster Hunters is more proactive, but that is still fairly combat focused unless you're a pegasi and can fill in as a scout. The Wonderbolts are out, unless you're hiding wings under that armor. What about Research and Acquisitions?"
"Ugh. Logistics?" The look Lyra gave him froze Flashing in his paces. "They aren't logistics?"
"Research and Acquisitions is the newes—second newest branch of the Guard. They research and locate dangerous artifacts and magics, and secure them so there are fewer Alicorn Amulets and Inspiration Manifestations around." When Flashing looked at her with a raised eyebrow, Lyra had to remind herself that knowledge of these events wasn't widespread. "Alicorn Amulet gives the unicorn that wears it alicorn-like powers of magic, but it makes the unicorn want to use it more and more. Same for Inspiration Manifestation, though that encouraged the user to think of outlandish things that it would make into reality. Both nasty and mind-affecting, and both now locked away where nopony will find them."
"Huh. So proactive protection?"
"Mostly. Hopefully. If everything goes well, they find the artifacts before anypony unwittingly—or wittingly—gets their hooves on them and into deep water. If not, they call in the professionals to assist in cleanup." Leading the way back to the training field, Lyra closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I happen to know the commander of that branch."
Walking over to the training field, Sergeant Long Shift of the Royal Guard, on loan to the training regiment, felt curiosity boil inside at the sight of Flashing Smile talking with Lyra Heartstrings. "Trying to steal one of my best recruits for the Friendship Guard?"
"Do you think I'd have a chance? He seems a little too active for the laid-back life we live." Lyra waited for the laugh from Long before going on. "He wants to protect ponies, but doesn't want to wait for them to need protecting, and isn't looking for front line fighting."
"Yeah, that's what I got from him too." Then it hit Long that the pair were alone here. "Where're the rest of the recruits?"
"I goaded them to chase me. Put on a show of it. Some managed to catch me." She nodded at Flashing. "He waited for us all to leave, buried himself under the ground beside the front gate, and tapped me as I was walking back through it. The rest are coming."
Looking around Lyra at his training sergeant, Flashing asked, "What's Research and Acquisitions, sir?"
"Ah! I should have known. What did she tell you about them?" Long gave Lyra a sideways look before turning his full attention to Flashing.
"What duties are there within that branch?"
"The captain here will know more than I do, but I have their basic info. Research department, field duties, public relations, and couriers."
"Don't forget," Lyra said, "the extensive surveillance arm. If a town in Equestria has more than fifty ponies in it, there's an agent for R&A."
Long laughed at what seemed like an obvious lie. "So, they have several departments that might match up to your tastes."
The rest of the recruits, looking perky and talking as they approached, stepped up to the training field and muffled their conversations. Lyra was pleased that they all looked at her with a little more respect than at the beginning of the chase.
Long tensed his vocal cords and then began, in full sergeant voice, "This is, as you probably know, Captain Lyra Heartstrings. She is the commander of the Royal Friendship Guard, but is on loan to be Prince Blue Blood's personal guard captain. Tomorrow she will be escorting those of you who managed to catch her to the castle, which means I want all your armor shined up and in perfect condition by nightfall.
"She also wrote the book, absolutely literally, on modern guard tactics for unicorns, so those of you with horns would do well to absorb everything you've seen her do today and attempt to emulate it." Ignoring the choking noises, Long went on. "You'll get a chance to see first hoof what the duties of an honor guard entails. The rest of you will be undertaking a training day and preparing a detailed analysis of what tactics you could have used to catch the captain sooner.
"Now, each of you are to report to your respective training sergeants for your afternoon session."
As the earth ponies and pegasi filed off, and the few unicorns clustered around Long, Lyra let out a sigh. "Well, I guess I need to go plan the final details of a wedding. I'll see you tomorrow?"
"And miss being the only Royal Guard in the castle?" Long asked.
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Can't be Caddy (still in the Empire), Twilight? (Mentor issues
), Lyra? (must be Guard related ... hmmmm ... 
)
[Where's the Luna emoji!?!)
To:
Most Esteemed Lady Uppercrust,
How fares your newfound status and position? Your new duties are most certainly the discussion of the hour~
My Troll smile was smiling at the Nth Degree!
So Hijinks, Plots & Plans while Flurry Heart makes some delicious chaos. Will be interesting to learn what happened while they were gone. ;3
Blueblood doesn't need to be as carefull with the nobility because they constantly underestimate what he is actually capable of doing.
11608678
That one really needed a: in a bakery, as well as a sweet shop line in there
wow a awesome chapter. i love it.
All Hail Lyra, Alicorn of Backups!
So beautiful. Couldn't stop smiling. Ask Blueblood: have you considered putting in some... features for their majesties return? This one in particular can br used to summon the Captain of The Friendship Guard.
Flashing Smile.
As in, Flashing Blade, of SMILE?
Maybe new index Object Orientation and Protection Services?
He would be Agent OOF?
An audible snap and a flash of light has a light red unicorn with a pale green mane appeart before Damaged. Discord wrapped around the unicorn's fedora with a small paper with the word 'Press' in the hat bad. A cutie mark of a stack of papers with writing on them.
"Damaged? This is Written Story of the Canterlot Time and many in Canterlot have been wanting to ask you a question. Did you know when you started your story 'Welcome to Thestralia', now changed to 'Welcome to Batstrailia', that this would become the season spanning epic that it has become? Follow up question: do you control the story or do the inmates of the asylum run the story?
A note pad held in a light blue aura hovers near by as he smiles pleasently towards you.
11609382 Actually, yeah. The largest plot points of this story were planned out in advance. This was always going to span all MLP G4.
What wasn't planned was how this will affect G5. Still working on that.
Lyra really is proving to be destiny's best friend, huh? "Princess of Serendipity" does have a better sound to it than "Princess of Contingencies," but it's that first word she objects to. We'll see how long she can fend it off. Goodness knows she doesn't have the best track record when it comes to turning down promotions...
But for now, time for more fun with politics as the cockroaches come out of the woodwork. Good thing that honor guard will all have polished greaves.
11609389
Well this was an attempt at letting you do an end of chapter character question. :) Though to clarify the 'inmates running the asylum' just means the characters drive the story. I had a number of writings go off the rails cause the characters took it that way not me. :D
11609486 Ah, but you see, the questions are for characters. Last I checked on my existential panic meter, I am still a living entity.
11609514
shameless self inserts are shameless. 
still thanks for the answer, I wish you luck figured out that second statement, and and very heartfelt thanks for such a good story. 
And thus the best one to ask the question too.
11609518
derpicdn.net/img/2021/10/19/2727667/large.png
WitchTaunter
11609523
Ok I'll be honest, I spent twenty minutes laughing at that. Yes my sense of humor is deranged and I'm prode of it.
A joke question for lyra: have you looked on the bright side of life recebtly?
Lyra having fun is fun. Watching all the players throw themselves into check is moreso.