Friendship is Optimal but Sanity is Optional

by BlazingSaddles69

Chapter 9, Gratuitous Explosions

I dashed across the open marketplace with a pair of royal guards hot on my hooves. Bobbing and weaving through the crowd as I went. Several blasts of magic whizzed past my pony. Heads in the crowd turned to look at the unfolding commotion. The bystanders just gawked with their mouths hanging open like surprised fish.

It really wasn’t my fault for getting caught this time. I was just minding my own business, harmlessly picking pockets. Then a passing pegasus flying overhead had inconsiderately looked down at the worst possible moment. She saw me robbing some pony and had called out for the guards. The nerve of some ponies!

I dived over a market stall. A second later, the merchant who was running the stall caught a badly aimed blast of magic to the face curtesy of one of the guards that were chasing me. The unlucky salespony was thrown backwards. He smashed through the front window of a clothing store. Pony shaped mannequins in dresses were sent flying. I heard a mare inside the store scream.

Not sparing another look at the sight, I kept running. My eyes desperately darted around the plaza searching for a means to escape. I was also keeping a wary eye out for anything that could potentially cause an explosion.

I’d been playing this game for a little over a week at this point. It hadn’t taken me long to realize that the unicorns in the royal guard were very trigger happy with their magic. Thankfully, they had a tendency to miss a lot. But that was a mixed blessing. The explosion from my first chase turned out to be somewhat typical for a Canterlot police chase. Whenever a unicorn missed me, there was a chance that whatever object they hit instead, would be something that could (and would) explode. I’d been forced to respawn outside Canterlot Hospital on two separate occasions, because I’d been standing too close to something that went boom.

Thinking back on it, there was a possibility that the unicorn chasing me could even be the same guard from some of those other chases. I was starting to suspect that he was causing those explosions on purpose. Maybe he was another player who was doing it for fun? Unlike other games, Equestria Online didn’t tell you who was another player and who was an NPC. The artificial intelligence of the NPCs was so good that it made it very difficult to tell who was a player and who was not.

There were really only two somewhat reliable methods for figuring out who was a player. You could ask the pony in question if they were from the Human Realm and hope for a straight answer. Or you could listen to them very closely to see if they made a pop culture reference. The NPCs usually didn’t do that.

“Stop right there, criminal scum!” the unicorn in question shouted at me.

Case in point.

In the center of the plaza there was a large stage that had been folded out of the side of an ornate looking wagon. I shoved my way through the tightly packed crowd of ponies that were standing around the front of the stage.

“Behold the magic of the Great and Powerful Trixie!” The blue unicorn mare on stage yelled as she flourished her star-studded cape. “Please leave any bits in the tip jar if you enjoy the show.”

Knowing an opportunity for thievery when I saw one, I jumped up onto the wooden platform and ran across it.

“Hey! Get off of Trixie’s stage!” the mare shouted at me.

Ignoring her, I swiped her entire tip jar and shoved it into my saddlebag. The guards were making progress forcing their way through the crowd. They scrambled up onto the stage. With a running jump, I dived off the stage and kept galloping. I couldn’t resist taking a moment to add a touch of theatrics, “Remember this day! For you were just robbed by the Great and Powerful Dark Mask!”

Another bolt of magic fired by the royal guard zapped past my head. The magical blast shattered a window in the side of the wagon and disappeared inside. There must have been fireworks stored in there. The sound of whizzes, pops, and bangs filled the air along with a multitude of neon sparks. Suspecting what was about to happen next, I ran faster, tapping into that earth pony strength to increase my speed.

My suspicions were proven correct. After a few seconds, the stage and the entire wagon disappeared in a very colorful fireball. The windows in every nearby storefront were shattered by the pressure wave. Numerous bottle rockets zoomed off into the night sky, detonating in a pattern that looked a lot like the face of the mare that had been on the now obliterated stage.

With their health depleted, Trixie and the royal guards vanished as they were forced to respawn. I’d barely survived that explosion myself. My own health bar was now blinking red. The rest of the crowd, predictably, entered panic mode. I slipped away in the confusion and didn’t relax until I had traveled for several city blocks. I took off my mask and put it into my saddlebag.

Overall, I’ve been having a blast, pun intended, playing this game. The whole of Canterlot was like a giant cash filled candy jar for me. I’d lost track of the number of pockets that I had picked at this point. Taking a deeper interest in this new game, I had even done a small amount of research into the MLP world. I hadn’t watched any episodes of the show, but now I could at least name most of the major and some of the minor characters. I wasn’t very surprised to discover that I had actually seen some of the minor characters on the streets already.

Financing my purchases with stolen bits, I’d begun decorating the Canterlot apartment that I was renting. Just basic furniture so far. I didn’t have any display cases full of stolen goods yet, but I had to start small and work my way up. I’d even upgraded my gear by paying another visit to Cut Purse at Crime LLC. Chief among my upgrades were a pair of lockpicks, a skill book on how to use them, and a blank journal to act as an improvised quest log. My plan was to break into houses in the near future.

Ponies on the streets were reacting to my exploits more than ever before. Wanted posters of my masked persona were showing up on walls throughout the city. I would frequently overhear ponies whispering about a new dastardly criminal in town that the guards were having trouble catching.

Eavesdropping on conversations, one such discussion immediately drew my attention, “Another noble got robbed last night!”

“Who was it?” the other pony, a pegasus mare, asked.

Her earth pony friend frowned with worry, “Lord Jet Set was the victim. Somepony stole a bunch of bits right out of his saddlebag.”

“Do they know who did it?”

“The perpetrator left a calling card. It was Dark Mask again!” she answered.

Heheheheh! My legend grows!

The pegasus gasped, “Isn’t he the lunatic that’s been stealing toothbrushes from ponies?”

What? I’ve done no such thing! That’s gross!

“That’s the one,” the other mare confirmed to my chagrin. “I’ve heard that he’s also been stealing everypony’s front left horseshoe!”

What the hell? I haven’t been doing that either!

“Yeah, and my friend Star Sprinkles said that she saw him stealing coupons out of mailboxes!”

I don’t know who Star Sprinkles is, but she was clearly making things up about me. The Canterlot rumor mill had gotten out of control. I began to approach the talking mares with the intention of setting the record straight.

Before I could reach them, my controller vibrated. I discovered the reason why after I panned the camera around. There was a mare with her hoof jammed into my saddlebag. She was trying to pickpocket me! Whatever happened to honor amongst thieves?

She was a unicorn with a dark blue coat and a blood red mane and tail. Her booty mark was a diagonal lipstick style kiss mark. There was a small mask around the rim of her eyes. It was the same style of mask that I wore when stealing. The only difference was that her mask was red.

She kept fumbling in my saddlebag for several more seconds. I loudly cleared my throat, causing her to look up at me. Realizing that I was staring straight at her, her pupils dilated to a huge size as a blush spread across her face.

“Sorry, I accidentally bumped into you,” was her lame excuse.

Rather than feeling irritated, my curiosity was piqued instead. Other than Cut Purse, who never seemed to leave his desk at Crime LLC, this was the first other thief that I had met on the streets of Canterlot. Until now, I had begun to suspect that I was the only active thief in this shard.

“Your technique needs some work,” I commented in a dry tone of voice. “I could feel you rooting around in my bag.”

Looking her over, I wondered if she was an NPC or another player. Thinking about it, my gut instinct was telling me that she was an NPC, but I couldn’t begin to explain how I was sensing that. Just a vibe I suppose.

“My technique is fine!” She glared at me. I guess she took offense to being given constructive criticism. “It wasn’t my fault that you moved at the worst possible time. What would you know about stealing anyway?”

I chuckled, “You have to use a gentler touch. Watch and I’ll show you.”

I pulled my mask out of my bag and put it on my face. The two mares that had been gossiping were now sitting on a park bench eating their lunches. I approached them from their blindsides. I quickly swiped all the bits from their saddlebags and placed a calling card back into each one. That will teach them to not spread weird rumors about me!

“Hmm, I guess you do know a little about how to rob a pony.” The mare admitted when I returned to her. “But why are you giving me pointers instead of calling for the guards? I just tried to steal from you.”

“You piqued my interest. Besides, I couldn’t call the guards. They might recognize me,” I admitted. “What’s your name?”

“Call me, Charlatan,” she replied, clearly giving her criminal alias.

Two could play that game, “I’m Dark Mask.”

Charlatan smirked at me, “You’re the pervert that keeps stealing lingerie from mares?”

“No, I’ve never done any of those weird things, I swear! The only things I’ve stolen so far are bits from saddlebags.” I facehooved. Did I need to hire a PR guy to manage these rumors?

“If you say so,” Charlatan replied. I don’t think she believed me. “By the way, what is that strange stick that you have strapped to your left forehoof?”

“This thing?” I pulled it out of its strap and hoofed it to her. I had purchased it from Cut Purse only yesterday. It was a short little black metal rod that was weighted on one bulbous end with nubs on it. “It’s called a blackjack. It’s a type of club. Not to be confused with a card game of the same name. You hit ponies in the head with it to knock them out. Then you can rob them while they’re unconscious.”

“Interesting…” Charlatan muttered as she took a few practice swings. The short club made a swishing noise through the air as she swung it. “Can you just hit a pony anywhere on the head with it?”

Her curiosity about the finer points of the art of violence was charming.

“No. There’s this sweat spot right behind the ears. Just hit the pony there and they go down like a ton of bricks.” To demonstrate, I leaned down and pointed out the sweat spot on the back of my own head.

The screen of my PonyPad went black for about thirty seconds. When the screen came back to life, I was standing in front of Canterlot Hospital. Like nearly all hospitals everywhere, it was a multi-story blocky building with a large neon red cross on the side.

I had just respawned. An achievement notification appeared.

Badge Unlocked: Darwin Award

Unlocked By: You were forced to respawn after doing something very dumb.

Reward: Stupidity doesn’t deserve a reward.

That cheeky little mare bonked me with my own blackjack!

My saddlebag was empty with the exception of my blackjack and a small calling card. You’ve been robbed by The Charlatan! The card read. Damn, I had nearly a hundred bits in my bag. At least she had given back my blackjack. For a simple club it had been stunningly expensive.

“You again!” a voice shouted out.

Trixie blasted me in the face. The power of her white-hot burning rage supercharging her magic. My pony was knocked to the ground in a senseless heap. The enraged mare kicked me over and over again. The respawned royal guards cheered her on.

Comments

[justheretoreadstories]

So far I like the less serious tone and focus on gameplay in this story.