Chapter 19, Ignore The Warning Signs
Red and I left the bar around two hours later and headed for the edge of the Everfree Forest.
While we walked, my mind was preoccupied with thoughts of my new relationship with Red. Even I wasn’t sure if I was viewing this relationship as legit or not. What with the entire “is she real or is she not” debate that was waging war in my head. There was definitely something about Red that appealed to me, even if I couldn’t seem to quantify what that something was. If she were human, I knew that I wouldn’t feel confused at all. But was it even possible to develop real feelings for virtual being? I needed more time to think on this so I could sort out my feelings.
One thing was certain. If I ever decided to break up with her, I would have to run for my life. Red struck me as the kind of mare that could easily become a “crazy ex-girlfriend” after a breakup.
Fluttershy’s home reminded me of a Hobbit burrow. The roof was covered in grass and gave the whole place an earthy vibe to it. Overall, it looked like a hill with doors and windows in it. The ridiculous number of birdhouses everywhere also drew my attention.
There were no lights on inside. Either Fluttershy wasn’t home, or she had gone to sleep already. I was banking on the later for obvious reasons. Which was why we had waited so late before coming here.
I pulled my mask out of my inventory and slipped it onto my pony’s face. After that, I approached one of the ground floor windows and pulled out my lockpick.
Red coughed politely to get my attention.
“What is it?” I whispered.
My marefriend gestured at the front door with her head. I didn’t know what they were called, but the door was one of those old timey kinds where the top half and the bottom half could open separately. The top half was currently standing wide open.
That must be why Red pointed it out to me. I put away my lockpicks, feeling more than a little silly.
I reached through the open top half of the door and unlatched the bottom half. The door opened with a soft creak that made me hold my breath. I let the air out of my lungs when nothing happened.
“I’ll wait out here,” Red whispered to me. “The fewer ponies sneaking around inside, the better.
The living room was filled with sleeping animals. Birds, bunnies, mice, and squirrels were sleeping on almost every available surface. What really made me nervous was the sight of the bear sleeping in the corner. I had to be absolutely silent if I didn’t want to be caught. The idea of being torn apart by a horde of angry woodland critters did not sit well with me. I took a step inside the house.
The floorboard creaked loudly under my pony’s hooves. The sound was almost as loud as the results of my momma’s baked beans. God rest her soul.
Not a single animal so much as twitched. Huh, so much for acute animal senses.
*SNNNOOOOOOOORRRREEE!*
I looked at the sleeping bear.
*SNNNOOOOOOOORRRREEE!*
That sound was not coming from the bear. The sound wasn’t even originating from inside this room. It was coming from beyond a doorway that led deeper into the house. I followed the sound to its source. After going down a short hallway, I arrived at a midsized bedroom.
Sprawled across the bed was my target. Fluttershy was deep asleep with her blanket half hanging off the bed. She was sleeping on her stomach with her wings splayed out to her sides, taking up almost the entire bed.
*SNNNOOOOOOOORRRREEE!*
Fluttershy breathed deeply in her sleep, rattling the window panes.
Who would have thought that a dainty mare like Fluttershy could saw logs like a woodchipper? No wonder the animals didn’t wake up when that floorboard creaked. They had grown used to hearing loud noises in their sleep.
I equipped the razorblade out of my saddlebag and went to work. It didn’t take me long to remove almost all of her pink mane. A fancy haircut was hard, but a hatchet job was easy. I wasn’t a monster though, I left her with a circle of pink fuzz surrounding a huge bald spot. It reminded me of those hair styles used by medieval monks. I think that style was called a tonsure.
I took the removed portion of her mane and tied it into a knot to keep the hair together, then I stuffed it into my bag. I’d get it made into a wig later. Maybe I’d even sell it back to her in the most bizarre form of ransom ever seen.
After taping my calling card to Fluttershy’s shiny bald spot, I turned around to leave and came face to face with a small white bunny. The creature was looking up at me with wide eyes. I tensed up, expecting it to wake up its owner.
“Please don’t rat me out,” I faintly whispered.
The bunny smirked at me and then held up a small piece of cardboard with a dollar sign drawn on it. Grumbling softly, I pulled 10 bits out of my inventory and showed it to the bunny. The rabbit shook its head. I pulled out another 10 bits. The rabbit shook its head again. For a final offer, I pulled out 100 bits.
The floppy eared extortionist nodded and took the money. Damn that wascally wabbit!
When I stepped out of Fluttershy’s house, I got an achievement.
Badge Unlocked: Like Kicking a Puppy
Unlocked By: You stole something from Fluttershy. The fandom is going to hate you for this.
Reward: 100 bits
Then another notification appeared on the heels of the first.
Badge Unlocked: The Brave and The Bald
Unlocked By: You shaved another pony while they were asleep. What the buck is wrong with you?
Reward: 100 bits
The next target on our list of ponies to rob for tonight was Pinkie Pie.
Personally, I considered her to be the riskiest target. Her unpredictable nature made her into a wild card. But as it turned out, I didn’t need to worry. Pinkie’s party cannon was right outside the front door of Sugar Cube Corner. There was a letter attached.
Hi Black Powder!
Can you fix my cannon for me? It keeps jamming when I try to load it with custard pies. Just leave it outside Sugar Cube Corner when you finish.
Thanks,
Pinkie Pie
P.S. If this is Dark Mask reading this note, then I just want you to know that I think you’re a big fat Meanie Pants! Your karmic reckoning is coming very soon!
How wonderfully convenient! The post script was alarming, but I was too deep into this to turn back now. I picked up the cannon and stuffed it into my mane. (Where else would I put it? It was too big for my saddlebag.) Then I left behind another calling card.
Badge Unlocked: Neighborhood Curmudgeon
Unlocked By: You stole something from Pinkie Pie.
Reward: 100 bits
The final target for tonight was Rarity. The last three, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Twilight could wait for daylight hours.
The Carousel Boutique was completely dark with no lights on inside. The red sign in the front window had been flipped from Open to Closed. I could see several pony mannequins through the main window.
I looked at Red and said, “Keep a lookout while I pick the lock.”
“You got it,” Red replied before turning her attention to the street around us while I worked.
The lock wasn’t difficult at all. A quick minigame and it opened like all the others. I pressed a button on the controller and my pony slowly opened the door.
*Tinkle-Tinkle!* A brass bell attached to the top of the door, softly chimed out.
For the second time in a single night, I froze up and held my breath. If I got lucky, none of the residents noticed anything. But I did not get lucky a second time. Five seconds went past before my luck failed me.
“Sweetie Belle, are you playing with the shop door?” A mare’s voice asked from somewhere upstairs.
“No Rarity, I’m in my room,” a younger voice replied, also from upstairs.
A loud gasp echoed down from above, “I think there’s somepony in the house!”
This is not good! I tossed one of my calling cards on the floor, grabbed the nearest pony mannequin and ran for it. When I got outside, Red picked the mannequin up in her magic to help me carry it.
We ran for over two blocks before we stopped to rest. I used the opportunity to look at the mannequin that I had snatched. It was dressed in a pony version of a French maid outfit. Since stealing a dress was what we were after, I removed it from the mannequin and tossed the dummy aside.
I held the dress up for Red to look at, “I think you’d look great in this. What do you think?”
She shot me a dirty look, “Making jokes about maid outfits now? I thought your sense of humor was better than this.”
A deep sense of sadness and shame gripped me. She was right. I was better than this. I folded up the uniform and stuffed it into my bag.
Badge Unlocked: Fashion Backwards
Unlocked By: You stole something from Rarity.
Reward: 100 bits
With our exploits finished for the evening, I needed to logout of the game and get some sleep. Red and I rented a hotel room for the night so she would have a place to stay in Ponyville while I was gone.
Red hopped up onto the hotel bed and looked at me, “Before you leave, I wanted to talk with you about something.”
“What do you want to know?” I asked, moving my pony into the chair next to the bed.
“When are you going to emigrate to Equestria?”
My mental gears ground to a halt at the sudden change to such a serious topic, “Huh?”
“It’s a simple enough question,” she stated before repeating herself. “When are you going to emigrate to Equestria?”
“I never really thought about it,” I admitted, scratching my chin. “Why the sudden interest?”
“Now that you’re my special somepony, I want you to emigrate.” Red poked a hoof in my direction.
“That’s absurd. I became your special somepony only a few hours ago! That’s like asking somepony to move in with you after only a single date. I’m not going to emigrate just because we had one night on the town together.”
“We’ve already been hanging out for weeks!” Red shouted at me. “I want you to emigrate because I enjoy spending time with you. Are you worried about the entire brain scooping thing? I know that some humans aren’t sure if an uploaded mind is the original or just a copy. You don’t need to worry. The Princess told us all that-”
“I’m not worried about those boring existential questions! I’m not smart enough to understand or care about those.” I interrupted her with the wave of a hoof. “I’m just not sure if I want to come to Equestria. My brother would also be mad at me if I did something so impulsive.”
Red tilted her head at me quizzically. “Why wouldn’t you want to come here? Equestria is a utopia where everypony’s values are satisfied. Even kleptomaniacs like us.”
“A utopia? Heh, that’s funny,” I chuckled.
“What’s so funny about a utopia?” Red asked, her face scrunched up in confusion.
“It has to do with the origin of the word. The term ‘Utopia’ dates back to Sir Thomas More, he created the word by combining two other words from Ancient Greek, ‘ou’ which means ‘not’ and ‘topos’ which means ‘place.’ In other words, ‘no place.’ For a pessimist like myself, it’s a funny way of pointing out the impossibility of a completely perfect society. They don't exist according to the very origin of the word.”
Red’s jaw was hanging open.
“Why are you looking at me like that? Just because I’m not always smart, doesn’t mean I can’t pick up random pieces of trivia,” I grumbled while leaning back in my chair.
Red frowned but then hesitantly nodded, “That is true. Even a parrot can spout math equations if they hear them enough times.”
“I’m not that bad!” I snapped at her. “For your information, I won first place in my High School science fair during my sophomore year.”
“I don’t believe you,” She deadpanned. “What was your project?”
“It was a sociology documentary about the mating habits of homo sapiens. I followed my science teacher around for two weeks straight and recorded everything she did without her knowing about it. Then I presented all my findings to the entire student body,” I reminisced, enjoying the fond memory. “It was glorious. The science teacher gave me an A Plus. The principal got fired for sexually harassing the science teacher. The teacher won a million-dollar lawsuit against the school board using my recordings as evidence. And then I got suspended from school for a week.”
Red stared at me for a minute straight before she finally responded, “I think your science teacher only gave you that good grade, because you helped her win her lawsuit.”
I wanted to make a scathing comeback remark, but my brain blanked out on me. I continued the original topic instead, “My point is that no matter how perfect a place seems on the surface, there are always flaws to it. A true utopia is impossible according to the very origin of the word.”
“But, what do you think is wrong with Equestria?”
“How about the fact that Celestia is constantly reading the minds of everypony in Equestria?” I pointed out. “I enjoy having the privacy of my own thoughts, thank you very much!”
“Princess Celestia only does that so she can better satisfy our values! She doesn’t care if you have dirty thoughts about my well-toned flanks,” she said before turning around and shaking her rear at the camera.
“S-stop that!” I shouted as I used the thumbstick to turn the camera away from her.
Red turned back to face me, “After a while, you don’t even think about it anymore. For me, it’s completely normal because she’s been doing it my entire life. If you emigrate, we can spend the rest of eternity stealing shiny things together.”
“Stealing things is fun, but I couldn’t imagine doing it for the rest of eternity.” I said, pointing the camera back at her.
“We can do other things!” Red said, “We don’t have to keep the same hobbies forever. We could try arson! I hear that burning things can be fun.”
I shook my head, “Sorry, Red. But I’m not emigrating to Equestria.”
Feeling fed up and not wanting to argue with her anymore, I logged out and turned off the PonyPad.
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Yeah get punted on celestAI! You may have been able to manipulate the smart but the true and the thoughtful and admittedly the stupid trivia nerds will always see through you
And this is where the figurative coupling breaks, and the cars start rolling down the hill.
Just give him an unachievement. That'll change his mind
Well you weren't the first to rob the main 6 or CelastAI is being fast on her processor with those rewards. Dark mask is lucky Angel Bunny accepted that bribe otherwise he should be happy he respawns
Achievements in this story are really a fine touch. Happy that they are included.