Friendship is Optimal but Sanity is Optional

by BlazingSaddles69

Chapter 18, Road Trip

The time has come at last!

For the sake of becoming a more infamous thief, it was time for me to steal something from each member of the Mane 6. The versions of them that live in my shard anyway. I’d set this goal for myself weeks ago, but kept getting distracted by other issues. I also didn’t feel ready at the time, but I was able to afford a lot of new skill books and equipment from helping the Princess.

“You want to do what?” Red blurted out when I told her.

I repeated myself as I entered the train station, “I want to steal at least one item from Twilight Sparkle and all of her friends. And leave a calling card for each of them. The name of Dark Mask will be known throughout Equestria.”

It was my first time inside the Canterlot train station. In fact, it was my first time in any train station. There were benches spread out in a waiting area and a large chalkboard on the wall that listed the train schedules. A smaller sign next to it drew my attention.

Days since last derailment: 5

While I watched, a morose looking stallion in a ticket master uniform walked up to the sign. He shook his head sadly. He gripped a eraser in his left hoof and used it to erase the five and then he replaced it with a zero using a piece of chalk he held in his right hoof.

Choo Choo strikes again I see.

Red slowly rubbed the side of her head at the base of her horn with a hoof like she had a headache. “Making the Element Bearers into our enemies is a really stupid idea. It will make us famous, but the risks are extreme. Not to mention, since they’re national heroes, a lot of ponies will end up hating our guts.”

“That’s what makes it fun!” I counter argued while standing in line for the ticket booth. “We may fail. In fact, failure is almost assured. But it’s not like any of our actions have consequences here in Equestria.”

Red stopped rubbing the side of her head. “Okay fine, I’ll help you. Seeing you dig yourself into a deeper hole, does have its own entertainment value.”

“That’s the spirit!” I smiled at her.

“But I don’t want my name associated with this mess. I’ll be a distraction if you need one. But you’re taking all the credit for this fiasco.” She walked off to sit down on one of the wooden benches while I purchased two tickets.

During the ride to Ponyville, Red and I brainstormed to come up with a list of items to steal based off of what we knew about our targets.

From Twilight, we were going to steal a book from her library.

From Applejack, we were going to take her Stetson hat.

From Pinkie Pie, we were going to steal her party cannon.

From Rarity, we would swipe a dress from her store.

From Rainbow Dash, we would steal a piece of Wonderbolts memorabilia.

Finally, from Fluttershy, we were going to steal her mane. It was a good thing that I had a razor blade in my inventory.

---

Red and I stepped off the train and into Ponyville nearly an hour later. It looked just like some of the screenshots I had seen of the TV show. Minus the giant crystal castle. Withing minutes, I spotted the Cutie Mark Crusaders exiting Sugar Cube Corner. I recognized them from my research into the show. I’d even had a chance to watch the first season only a few days ago.

“Careful with those cupcakes, Sweetie Belle.” Scootaloo cautioned her friend while she put her bike helmet on her head.

Sweetie Belle, who was caring a small box of what I assumed were the cupcakes in question with her magic, spoke back, “I am being careful! I’m not gonna drop them.”

“Let’s get them back to the clubhouse. I want to eat them while they’re still fresh!” Applebloom said with a smile, her red ribbon bouncing on her head as she trotted.

Cupcakes you say? The Crusaders were not on my list of targets, but this opportunity was too good to pass up. It was time for me to do my part to fight foalhood obesity. I looked at Red and jerked my head in the direction of the three fillies. My partner smirked at me and nodded.

I circled around them in a wide arc while Red Hoofed approached them from the front.

“Hello girls, I just arrived in town and I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions about Ponyville,” Red said to the three fillies.

Scootaloo looked up at Red. “What do you want to know, Miss?”

With the three young ponies distracted, I pulled my mask out of my bag and put it on. Moving up behind them, I got within five feet of them before I realized that I had a problem. Sweetie Belle had the box suspended about two feet off the ground in her magic field. Having never played a unicorn character, I didn’t know much about how the game’s magic mechanic worked for them. Could they feel it if something carried by their aura was touched or removed? I probably should ask Red for more details about unicorn magic later. For now, I simply needed to take a risk and find out.

“Is it true that Nightmare Moon was defeated in this town?” I heard Red ask. I tuned out the rest of the conversation so I could focus.

Maybe I could pull an Indiana Jones? I picked up a large rock off the ground. Moving swiftly, I pulled the box of cupcakes out of the levitation aura and replaced it with the rock. Several tense seconds passed. I sighed in relief when the filly didn’t notice that anything was wrong.

Sweetie Belle looked silly standing there with a rock floating behind her in her magic. Conscious of my desire to spread my infamy, I tossed one of my calling cards into the aura with the rock so they would know who was responsible for this.

I darted down a nearby alleyway and found a place to hide behind a dumpster. I opened the box and looked inside. There were six cupcakes in it. Half of them were chocolate and the other half were vanilla. They looked amazing. It was almost enough to make me want to emigrate just so I could taste these purloined pastries. My pony character could eat and drink things in the game, but with no hunger gauge there was very little point other than aesthetics. Alcohol would cause the screen to go all blurry though.

Red regrouped with me three minutes later.

“You should have seen it,” Red giggled, “those three fillies walked away without even noticing! I wonder if they’ll get all the way to their clubhouse before they realize that the cupcakes are missing?”

“I’d pay money to see the looks on their faces.” I chuckled before sliding three cupcakes over to Red, “Here’s your share of the loot.”

Badge Unlocked: Cutie Mark Crusaders, Crime Victims, Yay!

Unlocked By: You stole something from the CMC. It’s one step forward, two steps back with you.

Reward: 100 bits

---

“Who’s going to be our first target?” Red asked as she sat down on the bar stool to my left.

We had spent the rest of the day scoping out the town. Then the sun had set over Ponyville and most of the locals had gone home for the evening. Red and I had gone to a local bar to strategize. This bar was less interesting than the False Hope Pub. There was no rough crowd to give it character. No sense of desperation or violence balanced on a knife’s edge, ready to erupted at any second.

It did have a pool table though, so I guess that was one point in this place’s favor.

“We’ll start with Fluttershy tonight,” I whispered so other ponies in the bar wouldn’t hear. “It’ll be easier to shave off her mane while she’s asleep.”

“Shaving somepony without waking them up sounds really difficult.” Red commented before asking a question, “Why do you even want to steal her mane?”

“No reason really. I couldn’t think of anything else of hers to steal so I settled on that. We could get it made into a wig and then sell it.” I took a drink from my beer before continuing, “Beside shaving a sleeping person isn’t that difficult for me. I’ve had a lot of practice.”

“I’m tempted to ask for the story behind that statement, but I suspect that the answer will be disturbing, so I won’t ask.” Red sighed before floating her own beer with her magic and taking a drink from it. “I need to use the restroom. I will be right back.”

Red Hoofed trotted off, leaving me to think. Equestria Online had really consumed my life as of late. A part of me was beginning to wonder if I had a problem. Was I on the verge of becoming one of those gamers? The kind that flips out if they get a rare-yet-meaningless weapon skin in a loot box? People like that always struck me as being only a few years away from wearing a straightjacket.

“Hey there, Shtud Muffin,” a voice slurred to my right, interrupting my deep ponderings.

Looking in that direction, I saw a light brown earth pony mare with a blond mane sitting on the bar stool next to me. She was wearing a purple business jacket and her booty mark was a golden trophy. Judging by her slurring and the way she was wobbling on her chair; the mare was heavily inebriated.

“Y-yes? Can I help you with something?” I asked, feeling a little uncomfortable.

“My name ish Ms. Harshwhinny, and I wantsh to do the sex with you,” she helpfully explained.

I was getting mixed signals from this mare. Sure, her words sounded flirtatious, but at the same time there was a perpetual scowl on her muzzle. It was like she hated the universe and everything inside of it. She reminded me of an old internet meme called Grumpy Cat.

Ms. Harshwhinny kept talking, “Howsh about you and I get outta here and-”

“Blood Raaaaage!” Red’s war cry cut into the conversation.

Red dive tackled the mare out of her bar stool. She put Harshwhinny into a headlock and bit down on one of her ears. Harshwhinny neighed like a frightened horse at this sudden attack. She bucked her hindlegs like a bronco, but Red held on tight.

After reacting to a lightning fast quick time event with a button press, my pony took a slow and calm sip from his beer. Looks like I was wrong. This bar did have a hidden violent side to it.

“Hey… stop that… break it up,” the bartender muttered weakly, not putting any real energy into his words as he, and every other pony in the bar, ogled the spectacle.

Ms. Harshwhinny finally threw Red off her back. The unicorn flew through the air and smashed into a table, reducing it to splinters. Red retaliated by picking up a chair in her levitation magic and throwing it back at Harshwhinny, clobbering her in the barrel.

Harshwhinny charged forward and launched a flurry of blows with her forehooves. Red blocked most of them with a last second shield spell, which was a trick that I didn’t realize she knew. One blow got through the shield, causing Red to grunt in pain as she was bashed in the face.

My partner fired off a counterattack in the form of a small bolt of lightning from her horn. It collided with her opponent and made every hair in her mane and tail stand on end from the electricity.

Finally having enough, Ms. Harshwhinny fled the bar with a squeal.

“That’s right, you hussy!” Red shouted at the running pony. “Stay away from my stallion!”

Her stallion?

“Red, what was all that about?” I gave voice to my confusion.

Red Hoofed walked back over to me and blushed. “Okay, I’ll just come right out and ask. Do you want to be my special somepony?”

A multitude of emotions swam through my head, making it hard to focus on just one. Finally, I decide to use my reliable fallback emotion... humor. “Wow, your romantic dialogue has all the subtlety of a brick to the face!”

She glared at me. “Would you prefer it if that metaphorical brick was applied to your testicles instead? Because, I can do that if you want.”

I broke out into a cold sweat. “The face is just fine, thank you. But why do you want to be my special somepony?”

Red’s blush deepened, “I think you’re witty, charming, and your pessimistic nihilism is a perfect complement to my sarcastic cynicism. And to top it all off, you’re really good with foals.”

“But I steal candy from foals!” I pointed out how ridiculous her statement was. “You saw me do it only a few hours ago!”

“Exactly!” Red nodded and swished her tail. “I hate foals. So, your way of dealing with them seems great from my perspective.”

I nodded, that made sense to me. “Sure, I wouldn’t mind giving this relationship a shot. This isn’t my first time dating a video game character. I still have many fond memories of the time I spent with Liara T’Soni.”

My marefriend narrowed her eyes at me. “Who the buck is Liara?”

“N-nopony important!” I stammered, backpedaling as fast as I could. “Just an old ex.”

“Damn right, she isn’t important.” Red leaned forward and nuzzled my pony’s neck. A button prompt appeared on the screen. I pressed it and nuzzled her back.

Comments

[justheretoreadstories]

Badge Unlocked: Cutie Mark Crusaders, Crime Victims, Yay!

Unlocked By: You stole something from the CMC. It’s one step forward, two steps back with you.

Reward: 100 bits