Friendship is Optimal but Sanity is Optional

by BlazingSaddles69

Chapter 21, An Elite Crew

Red followed me into Donut Joe’s and up to the front counter. I ordered a chocolate donut; she got a cream filled one. We sat down at a corner booth and continued our conversation.

“We can do this, Red,” I said after taking a bite from my pastry. “We got all the thieving skill books now. A heist should be doable. The element gems are the ultimate shiny things in all of Equestria.”

“That sounds like a great idea!” Red smiled at me with way too much enthusiasm while levitating her own donut. “Our names will be become legendary. There won’t be a single pony in Equestria who hasn’t heard about us.”

My eyes narrowed as I gazed at her suspiciously, “Why are you being so supportive of this? I thought you would hate the idea and try to talk me out of it. You didn’t like the idea of us stealing from Twilight and her friends. Why would you be onboard with this?”

Red didn’t answer right away. She frowned for a bit and then swallowed another chunk of her donut before answering, “Let’s just say that I had a change of heart. I realized that you were right. We should cut loose and not worry about the consequences.”

I ate the rest of my donut, “Good… good. It’s nice to know that you’re coming around to my way of thinking. We’re probably going to fail. But I know that we’ll have a lot of fun doing it and leave behind a colossal mess in our wake.”

Red finished off her own pastry, “How are we going to do this job?”

“My plan is still in the early stages. The Grand Galloping Gala is in two weeks. That should be our best opportunity to do this. We’re going to need more information though. But I do know that we can’t do this alone. But first we need assemble a heist crew.”

“Did you have any ponies in mind?”

“Just a second, let me do a quick search for minor villains…” I muttered before looking away from my PonyPad. Using my smartphone, I soon had a list of minor MLP antagonists.

“Why use minor villains?” I heard Red ask, pulling my attention back to the screen. “Wouldn’t major villains be better for something like this?”

I shook my head, “Major villains will want a bigger cut of the action and will be harder to negotiate with. Minor villains will be easier to manipulate. Especially when we inevitably betray one of them.”

Red stared at me and tilted her head, “You haven’t even decided who you’re going to recruit, but you’re already planning to stab one of them in the back?”

“Of course! Do you not watch Rick and Morty here in Equestria? Every good heist needs a good betrayal!”

Red looked like she wanted to argue that statement. She opened her mouth, but finally shrugged, “Okay, I’ll just go along with that.”

---

The False Hope Pub was as lively as usual.

An earth pony was singing a seductive song on stage while slowly dancing across it. A mint green unicorn was playing accompanying music on a lyre. In front of the stage was a large group of stallions wearing white sailor uniforms. They were cheering and wolf-whistling while throwing hooffull of bits up onto the stage. I don’t think any of the drunk sailors could tell that the singer was actually a stallion dressed in drag.

The mood in the bar was lighthearted and jovial. As long as you didn’t count the pegasus that was weeping into his whiskey. I think it was the same crier from my last visit.

Wait... isn’t Canterlot landlocked? Why were there sailors on shore leave here? I guess it didn’t matter. It wasn’t any of my business and I had other things on my mind.

I approached the bartender. He was an aging blue pegasus with a salt-and-pepper mane. The stallion was mixing a fancy cocktail. He poured together a small amount of liquor from an assortment of different bottles into a tall glass. Setting aside the bottles, he put a tiny umbrella into the top of the drink.

Instead of serving it to a customer, the pegasus chugged down the entire drink himself before glaring at me, “What do you want, Ugly?”

“Are you Wind Rider?”

The pegasus spit shined the glass that he just used and then put it back with the clean glasses, “Maybe, who wants to know?”

“My name is Dark Mask. I want to hire you for a heist.” It was best to not give out real names when preparing for a job like this.

If he recognized my name, Wind Rider showed no sign of it. He pulled out more liquor bottles to mix up another cocktail, “I’m retired from the heisting game. I walked away from that life after a gig in Yakyakistan went sideways.”

“What happened?” I said, sitting down on the bar stool in front of him.

“My partner was forced to respawn after he was trampled by a stampede of angry yaks. Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can still hear his screams.” Wind Rider exhaled as he squinted his large eyes closed. This stallion was clearly haunted by the ghosts of his past.

“My condolences, but I thought you were a retired Wonderbolt, not a heister.”

“That too.” Wind Rider said before drinking down another glass, “My career in the Wonderbolts was often a cover for some of the jobs that I pulled. But it doesn’t matter anymore. I left that life behind me.”

“Won’t you come out of retirement for one last job? We could use you as a get-away flier for our carriage. I heard you’re really fast.”

“I’m one of the fastest pegasi in the world, colt. And don’t you forget it! But the answer is still no. I will never ever go back to that life again.” He crossed his forelegs and glared at me.

“Pretty please?” I asked.

Wind Rider sighed in a melancholic manner, “Well… since you said please.”

---

I slowly opened the window on the second floor of the east side of the mansion. It was quite the lovely piece of property. With multiple wings, a huge swimming pool in the back, and a fountain in the front. It hung halfway off the Canterlot mountainside, giving me an amazing view that spanned dozens of miles. There was also a beautiful garden around it that was lovingly maintained by minimum wage gardeners.

A white unicorn stallion was sitting behind a desk in the small study. He was so engrossed in paperwork that he didn’t even notice my entrance. A quill floated next to him and would occasionally move to make a mark on one of the papers.

“Prince Bluebood?” I said, loudly clearing my throat.

The stallion gasped, causing a ream of paperwork to fall off the desk. He scrambled out of his chair and turned to face me, “Who are you?”

“I’m Dark Mask.” I wanted to pose dramatically, like Captain Morgan from those alcohol commercials, but sadly there were no barrels nearby for my pony to lean against.

A look of abject rage crossed the Prince’s face. Moving with the lightning fast speed of a fat guy on a rascal, the unicorn reached out a hoof and slapped my pony in the face. “How dare you show yourself to me again! Border patrol almost caught me with all that contraband, no thanks to you!”

“What are you talking about?” I asked, feeling more than a little confused. “This is the first time we’ve ever met.”

Blueblood squinted at me, eyeing me up and down, “Aren’t you the Mexicolt luchador known as Dark Mask?”

“No, I’m the Canterlot thief known as Dark Mask,” I corrected him.

“Oh… you’re just a filthy commoner then.” The uppity unicorn said, before gathering up his scattered papers.

He wasn’t wrong about the filthy part. In order to sneak onto the grounds of his mansion, I’d been forced to crawl through a drainage culvert. It was the only way I could figure out how to get past the guards at the front gate. But I resented the commoner comment! There was nothing common about Dark Mask!

“Are you here to rob me?” He asked, “Just steal whatever you want and then get out. It’s all covered by my insurance anyway. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m very busy.”

I shook my head, “No, I’m here to recruit you for a heist. How would you like to help me steal the Elements of Harmony?”

Prince Blueblood reached out a hoof and slapped my pony again, “You son-of-a-bitch… I’m in.”

---

“Thanks for the lift.” I said, tossing some bits to the pony that had pulled the taxi chariot.

“Don’t mention it, ya stupid cavone!” The stallion replied in a thick Boston accent before pulling his taxi back out into the thick Manehatten traffic.

Before going inside the skyscraper, I took a moment to soak in my surroundings. When I was in middle school, I had visited New York City during a class trip. If it wasn’t for the fact that I was happy in Los Angeles, I wouldn’t mind living in a city like New York. Manehatten struck me as a very authentic (if ponified) recreation of that city.

The air was filled with visible smog and flecks of sea brine. Pigeon poop caked the sidewalks to the point that it looked like the ground had been painted white. A unicorn foal was fleeing for her life from a horde of hungry rats. Passing ponies were rude, very pushy, and looked like they had lost all faith in the universe. In short, CelestAI had really nailed the vibe of the place this city was based off of. I could really appreciate her attention to detail.

I went through the revolving doors of the building in front of me. After checking the building directory in the lobby, I found the pony I was looked for in an office on the third floor. A quick elevator ride brought me to the desired floor.

“For the last time, Coco! When I tell you to get me a coffee, I expect it to be brewed with Prench vanilla beans, contain two teaspoons of skim milk, have no foam, a pinch of cinnamon, and served in a Grande cup! Now make it again, M-Kay?” A purple earth pony mare was chewing out her assistant when I entered.

“Y-yes, Suri! I’m sorry!” Coco sobbed as she galloped out of the room.

The tyrannical fashionista’s eyes darted in my direction, “You’re not going to lecture me about being mean to my intern, are you?”

“Of course not,” I reassured her. “Treating your intern like an ass-slave is a natural part of life in the corporate world.”

“Oh?” The mare trotted out from behind her desk and looked me up and down, “It’s refreshing to meet a stallion that understands how the real world works. My name is Suri Polomare, what is yours?”

“You can call me Dark Mask.”

Suri batted her eyelashes at me, “Well, Mr. Dark Mask, would you care to join me for dinner this evening?”

“I’m flattered, but I already have a marefriend,” I politely declined. “I just came here to recruit you for a heist.”

“A heist? That takes me back. I pulled a few jobs after college to pay off my student loans,” Suri commented. “I’d have to dust off my old cat-suit, but I’m sure I got it around here somewhere.”

The revelation gave me pause. Did every minor villain in Equestria having heisting experience? Technically, Blueblood was a smuggler, but that was close enough. I decided to shrug it off and just roll with it. CelestAI was most likely pulling strings to satisfy my values.

My thoughts were interrupted when Suri lunged forward and nuzzled my pony’s neck, “I don’t care if you already have a marefriend. I’m open to herding.”

“W-wha? Huh?” My brain did a record scratch. I’d begun to do some research into the fandom and knew that the term ‘herding’ referred to a pony polygamist relationship. “Er… I don’t think that’s a good idea. Red beat up the last mare that tried to flirt with me. You’re lucky that she isn’t here right now. She said she had something else she needed to take care of back in Canterlot.”

Suri smiled at me, “Tell you what, I’ll join your heist, M-Kay? But in return, you give me ten minutes alone with your marefriend. I think I can convince her into a more open relationship.”

Thinking it over, I reluctantly nodded, “Fine, but it’s your funeral.”

Badge Unlocked: Made a Friend (x4)

---

I pulled the blueprints of the royal palace out of my inventory and unrolled it on my coffee table. Red, Suri, Blueblood, and Wind Rider all gathered around.

I had also attempted to recruit Svengallop. But the music manager was currently out of the country on a concert tour. I regretted the missed opportunity, but my plan could make do without him.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlecolts. I’ve called you all here, because you are the best of the best-ish. Thanks to Prince Blueblood’s insider information, we know everything about the royal vaults.”

The unicorn noble inclined his head in my direction.

I dramatically slammed a hoof down on top of the blueprints. “Here’s the plan…”

Comments

[Icantthinkofanythinglol]

Red didn’t answer right away. She frowned for a bit and then swallowed another chunk of her donut before answering, “Let’s just say that I had a change of heart. I realized that you were right. We should cut loose and not worry about the consequences.”

I can see where this is going from a mile away.

I probably should've said this earlier, but I just have to say this story is great.

Edit: I also know exactly what music I will play during the heist.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyQ5cjP-X8w

[Griseus]

I laughed hard at the Blueblood response. That was more than good - great!