She appeared as if from nowhere, a dark shadowed figure full of dread magic. Shining Armor and Cadance scowled with apprehension, but her attention was on the _other_ shadowy overlord that stood before her. Only one could remain.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Wibbly wobbly...
11387022
Timey Wimey
Time magic to speed things up and be at two places at once basicly?
So no Soul Reaver type of time travel?
More like Time Splinter?
11387052
If you look up Minuette, she is already accused of doing such things.
11387060
The first or second? It's quite the difference. Did you played the Fan made Minuette time adventure that has Dr. WHOOVES AND DERPY in it?
11387094
First or second... what?
11387104
Video example. The first game has set timeliness and destiny that the two main characters try changing.
The second is basically messing around with time and others trying to fix it.
I love the cut scene where the main character Cortez gives himself the key to a closed door.
The game has very good humor.
I love the slow power creep that Umbra has , but It makes you wonder..... What will she eventually need all these spells for?
Some epic spell match with someone powerful comes to mind, that would be great! You don't see many stories with purely magical sparring.
Hmm something that I've noticed happening a lot lately is that the dialog is getting very. . . choppy would be the best way to describe it. There doesn't seem to be enough connective tissue between statements to fill the scene out properly.
11387173
Example?
11387173
I don't believe that's the problem. This chapter, for example, reads like two chipper and excitable ponies talking and sharing with each other. But that's all, the chapter was primarily two talking heads in a room. The short sentence setting the scene wasn't enough to set up the conversation that followed. It would have helped to describe the inside of Minuette's home in more detail - clutter in a room lets the reader imagine the room in their head. Where are Minuette and Umbra in the room? Are they sitting on a couch, in chairs, or just standing awkwardly in a hallway?
It helps to describe things using the senses. Sight, taste, touch, hearing, smell, etc. For example, Minuette offered Umbra some tea. How did it smell, how did it taste? Was the tea a bit too hot, so Umbra had to blow on it to cool it off? Tea that was too hot would have been a great way to show off Minuette's time magic, by making the tea jump a few minutes ahead in time (like Minuette did when copying that spell for Umbra) so the tea cooled down almost instantly.
It helps to set the scene in this way, especially if the character has never been to that place before. If it's a place that the character has visited previously, you can make the description a bit briefer than usual. You can also describe the place like the character is looking for changes, or is noticing new details. Something like "Minuette's house hadn't changed since she last visited. Same blue paint job, same flowers in front, and the same hourglass on the front door. The flowers looked and smelled fresh, like they had been watered earlier that day."
So, yeah. Talking heads are fine as long as the writer spends some time setting the scene properly.
11387320
Your examples amuse me, greatly, because they were answered, both, subtly.
It was noted that it wasn't as cluttered as advertised at all. The tea wasn't too hot, she didn't have to blow on it. Minuette cheated both times. She cleaned up the house when she found out she had a guest. She cooled the tea after making it.
Minuette Minuetted without announcing it.
I could have described the scent or taste of said tea though. I just wasn't focused on that in favor of magic talk between two eager magic ponies.
11387331
I think you may have taken my examples too literally. Saying "there is clutter" is different than describing bookshelves overflowing with books, vases with flowers, and a couch with a coffee table in front of it. Said coffee table has many circular stains implying Minuette doesn't use coasters for her tea cups.
I can appreciate wanting to get right to the magic talk. But don't forget, your readers can't see inside your head. You know what Minuette's room looks like, but you need to describe it to us so we can visualize the same thing you see. Of course, this is your story; I can't tell you how to write it. I can only give suggestions on what we'd like to see.
11387345
That was a better way to describe what I was saying, thank you.
Take two chapters ago:
That's all we get as a scene set up for what becomes a magic lesson. In "a darkened alleyway". This leads the rest of the scene to feel like three characters floating in a void (metaphorically speaking) talking.
11387345
There is no clutter to describe. The absence of clutter is what was notable, and was noted. The place was strangely neat. I can't describe coffee rings when it's strangely neat.
For doing so little scene chewing, you appear to have missed it. Umbra came in and sat next to the dining room table, but you asked where they are... You said it's all talking and no movement. How was that missed?
Shoot, that table was referenced, again, because they are moving and doing things, and there is a scene. Are you... certain it was all me here?
Gasp, relative movement. She was slipping around that table I mentioned. What did you think she was moving around?
Morning Dew and a Changeling talk about Foals:
11387365
I like to call this the 'wannabe story experts telling the author how to do their thing' syndrome. It's like they don't understand the difference between high fantasy and low fantasy writing styles. Not everything needs overly lengthy descriptions to set up a scene, sometimes the more subtle and simpler approach works best. I never got the impression something was missing from the description of the scenes you have been writing, and this is me saying this as a person that struggles with a mild case of aphantasia.
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I just noticed you mentioned your aphantasia. I have been meeting more and more people with that. Sorry if that's creepy to be excited about. I'm literally on the opposite end of that spectrum.
11387526
It's thankfully not an extreme case. It's just incredibly hard for me to have a picture in my mind that's not blurry or dark as heck, that disappears in a flash of a moment. I'm kinda jealous of people with hyperphantasia, that must help drawing stuff a lot. It's kinda funny, books are my escape in a way that I don't need to imagine a scene clearly in my mind to get the 'picture'.
11387641
Ah, not complete. It's a spectrum for sure, from dark or fuzzy to bright and vibrant. I call it 'dreaming on command', since it's, the way I see it, a dream, while you're awake.
11387506
It wasn't until my late 20s I found out what aphantasia was and that it wasn't just how everyone's brain worked. Then I realized it was probably why I dislike most of the overly descriptive books I've had to read. No one I've ever mentioned it to has had any idea what I'm talking about. Kind of neat to see someone else out there.
11388908
Same. I feel like the overly descriptive narration makes it feel more cluttered than anything. And it kinda stresses me out, trying to picture something with high details when I can't even get a basic picture for longer than a moment at best. A blurry and dark one, at that.
11388908
11389108
Did you know there's a step beyond? There are people who just plain do not imagine things. No images. No sounds. No nothing. Just their thoughts, which themselves have no sound.
11389170
Uff. And here I feared going blind was the worst thing that could happen to someone. o.O
11387331
Eager. Heh, Umbra is ravenous for new magic. Minuette's speech pattern just strikes me with the same energy as Dr.Who, er, David Tennent or Matt Smith.
Has Umbra tried her hoof at enchanting objects for other ponies? (Pretty sure she has but it's been a long time since this story started)
It's a +1 ring versus Dark!
A what?
A magic ring versus Dark!
Why?
Because it's +1!
How can anything be +1 versus dark?
I dunno... but it's +1, isn't that great!
11389956
She's made a few magic items, like the darklights if you remember those, and the crown she's wearing.
Minuette is such a wonderful character.
I'm temped to do a Undertale reference because of determination mentioned in that sentence.
Fine...
*Because of learning to put ponies hearts to be strong, it fills her with DETERMINATION!