Being a griffin isn’t that bad, the only problem is that there aren't that many other griffins around. Sure, it’s rare to see griffins in this part of Equestria, but you’ve seen a few. You’ve gotten along with all the ponies you’ve met, but some ponies still look the other way when you walk by. You’re used to it at this point.
“Hey, you’re a griffin. That’s so cool” You hear a quiet little voice say from behind. You look over to see a little pale purple filly looking up at you.
“Indeed I am. You like griffins?” You ask.
“I do now!” The filly says excitedly. You look up to see a grey, cock-eyed mare looking at you. You look down at the filly and smile.
"What's it like being a griffin?" The filly asks.
"Well, what's it like being a pony?" You reply.
"Oh well, it's pretty cool I guess." She says.
"Well, I guess I can say the same. I have never really been ask that question before." you say
"Come on Dinky, we have to go." The grey mare says to the filly.
“You two have a good day now.” You say. You take a few steps forward and stretch out your wings. With two strong downward strokes you’re in the air. You flap a few more times to gain some height and after a few more flaps, you’re in the clouds.
You glide lazily through the clouds, watching the ponies mingle below. You wonder if you’re ever see another griffin, you could easily go to back to Cloudsdale or beyond, but you stay in Ponyville.
You see a nice fluffy cloud to plop down on. Being a griffin you can walk on clouds like the pegasi can. When you land your feet on the cloud it buckles slightly. You shift your weight and the cloud stabilizes. You take a few steps forward then lie down. You swipe forward with your right claw and some of the cloud disappears.
You look down the newly formed hole gives you a peek at the Ponyville market. You lay your head across your arms and stare down the hole. You feel your eyes getting heavier, before long you’re asleep.
A few hours pass and you wake up. The cloud has gotten noticeably smaller. You decide it’s time to move. You stand and with a strong downward thrust of your wings you’re in the air. You glide through and between clouds. Not expecting to see anything or anyone. You decide to get a little higher, just so you’re above the clouds. You look up and power through a thick patch of clouds.
You float above the clouds, pumping your wings every once in a while to maintain your height. The sun was starting to go down. The sky and clouds began to change color with the sun. It was a peaceful sight.
You land on top of the clouds, you sit and watch the sunset. Suddenly the cloud beside you bursts open and a light blue pegasus with a rainbow mane flies by. You’re a little startled at that, it caught you by surprise.
“I’m going to get you!” You hear another voice call out. Out of the same hole burst a griffin. She was fast.
She gives you a quick look, then she pumps her wings. Before your brain could react, she was gone. You look over and the griffin chasing the pegasus. You stand and take off towards the two. They were fast, really fast. You pumped your wings harder to try and gain speed. You were trailing pretty far behind the two. You could hear them screaming profanities at each other.
As you get closer you could see the griffin in greater detail. The feathers on her body were brown and the feathers on her head were snow white. She had some of the feathers on her head dyed purple. She was very aggressive in her movements, but she was fast.
The blue pegasus turns and heads straight for you, fast as a bullet. You dive out of the way, going head first into a cloud. You’re now inside the cloud, all you can see is white and the sounds are muffled. You hear talking, it’s very close too.
You pop your head out of the cloud, you’re greeted by a light blue mare staring at you.
“Um… Hi?” You say. You look over and see the griffin staring at you as well. She had a very unimpressed look on her face.
“What are you doing following us?” The blue pony asks.
“I was just… Uh, I was just seeing why you two were fighting.” You stutter. You give a sheepish smile. The blue pony bursts out laughing.
“Who says we were fighting?” The griffin asks.
“No one. You two were screaming at each other, so I just assumed…” You trail off.
“We weren’t fighting, dude. We’re just having some fun.” The blue pony says. You feel yourself starting to sink through the cloud. You pump your wings and lift yourself out, landing in between the pony and the griffin.
“I’m Rainbow Dash, by the way. This is Gilda, we’re friends from Cloudsdale.” The blue pony says. Gilda gives a little nod and looks off over the horizon.
“Hey Dash, sun’s going down. We should probably go,” Gilda says, her tone slightly rushed.
“You’re right. Hey, we’ll see you around.” Rainbow Dash says to you. Gilda looks at you; she just stares for a second.
“Yeah, we’ll see you around. It’s good to see another griffin in this place. Let’s go Dash. Last one to your place pays for food tonight!” Gilda says.
“Oh you’re on.” Rainbow Dash says. She rears up then takes off, leaving a rainbow trailing behind her. Gilda looks at you one last time before she takes off after Rainbow Dash.
“What the hell,” You say to yourself as you watch as the two fly off. “Another griffin?”
The sun was just beginning to duck under the clouds, a bright pink settling among the clouds. You liked how the clouds took the color of the setting or rising sun. You sigh and take off for home.
You’ve lived in Ponyville for a year now. It’s had its ups and its downs. Very seldom did you see other griffins; you’ve only seen one, and now with this new griffin. When you moved to this town nopony knew you, and everypony was afraid of you. But with time, they opened up to you. You have lots of friends now.
When you get home, you begin something of a custom of yours, and preen your flight feathers. You duck your head under your wing and start to pluck the soft down from between your fully grown feathers.
When you have finished preening, you head up to your bedroom. Your house in Ponyville was cramped for a griffin. The houses were obviously made for ponies, but you don’t mind, it’s a roof over your head.
You walk into your room and lie down on your bed. You lay on you back and fold you wings over your chest. You mind starts to shut down, replaying the events of today. Who was that griffin? Why is she here? Is she staying here? All these questions raced through your mind.
Your eyes begin to droop, and soon, you are asleep.
Hey. Hey. Guess what? You're a lucky bastard. I'm going to edit this. Haven't read it yet, but I'm assuming there are going to be errors. Editing because...
1.) I'm bored
2.) I have shit to edit already, but...
3.) Fuck yeah Gilda
Give me your email, and I'll send you a MS Word document filled with comments to point out errors.
1243176
Why are you guessing there's going to be errors?
1243201
You know DawnFade? Really great writer. I used to be his first editor. Ever. I still edit his stuff occasionally. He had errors. There is no such thing as a perfect writer. That's why editors exist.
1243212
I already have editors. 4 to be exact. I don't need anymore. Thanks for the offer though.
1243215
Where? *Sigh* There goes another batch of editors. Back to self editing.
Ohhh, this seems interesting. (Faved)
1243176 You wrote "you're" instead of "your." This does not instill confidence in a would-be editor.
1243225
There are so many people who think editing is easy. It's really not. When I get out of high school, I'm thinking about being an English major if I go to college. To be an editor. So yeah. I take this shit pretty seriously. If you like the way I edit, and if I like your stories, then I may be able to become a permanent editor for you. My main... well, I guess the best word would be client, has been slowing down recently. In case you know him, it's Path_of_Cloud. Anyway, back to editing!
1243239
Umm... bro. That is supposed to be you're. As in, you are. You know?
Yay, Gilda
skinventory.dk/pics/wc/ultimate-facepalm.jpg 1243239
1243245 So, you wrote, "...give me you are e-mail," then?
And here I thought I was gonna be a nice guy and edit a random story and I'm being questioned.
1243263
Ah, shit. Well, I am typing these comments out as fast as I can so I can get done editing, though that is a lousy excuse. My apologies.
1243246
Also, this guy right here is so correct. Your writing is very bland. Something a lot of writers don't seem to realize is that you don't want to just write the story. You need to describe the story. In detail. Like, 1080p detail. Not insulting, critiquing. I want people to get better, not feel bad!
1243282
Bro. We're critiquing because we see potential. Don't you dare toss this thing!
Sorry guys, just not used to comments like these. All the comments I get are usually like "You're good or keep going." I never get any real critiques on my work.
Anyway, I'm open for editors. If you want to edit my stuff or you want to spam me with porn send it to metal_master215@hotmail.com Please ignore the name, I made the account like six years ago.
So... is this story cancelled or not? I read it and I would give a general opinion of it, yet there's only one chapter. I don't think you can judge any story by only one chapter.
1243326
Perfectly fine. Just know that we're doing this because we see potential. Sorry this is taking so long, I keep getting distracted. And unlike some editors, I also go the extra mile and pick out things about the story that aren't grammatical errors, but rather things that could simply be done better. There's quite a bit of those. Not too many grammatical errors, though your biggest problems have been commas.
This is really an interesting story, though it does have some issues everybody(myself included) makes mistakes and writes their own way. Personally, I felt the whole thing was a bit rushed, not quite enough detail on the little things and such, but overall it's still a great story. I'll track this and see where it goes, the concept really interests me.
I'll give it a like, pretty damn interesting.
Scumbag author, cancels fic half an hour after it's released.
This has potential, there's most definately imagination here, it's just not getting conveyed by the words very well.
Another thing, a lot of folks around here hate 2nd person fics (not that I do). I learned that the hard way when I wrote one. The comments were worse than these, tbh. But with every experiment comes results, and the results I got told me never to write 2nd person again. There are a couple reasons why you shouldn't do a 2nd person POV, but one of them is that you wind up using the word 'you' so much it becomes annoying to read the story. Kindof hinders the reading and takes the reader out of the story because they're aggravated at seeing the same damned word over and over again. Which definately is the case with this story. There are more creative ways to say 'you did something' but unfortunately, you need to take the time to go through the story and eliminate as many 'you's as possible.
I believe a lot of the 'blandness' of this fic is coming from having too many 'you's. But also, remember you want to 'show not tell.'
Have 4 editors really been through this? Hell, even if one of them has, I'm not really pointing fingers here, but have you ever heard the phrase: 'if you want something done right, you gotta do it yourself'? I don't have editors. Not a single one of my fics have been through an editor. The only error I had in a published fic was a missing word in my 1st fic. More of a simple typo than anything else. Not saying I'm perfect, merely supporting my belief in self-editing.
Also, when you changed this to 'cancelled' did you even notice that you had 10 thumbs ups and 0 thumbs downs?
Now, if you would kindly get your ass back to work on this story... like I said, it has imagination, or more accurately, you do. And I for one want to see some of that imagination on the proverbial paper.
1243201 because he saw your "you're" error
There edited, thanks to Venatus.
Great so far. Any chance you could not capitalize "pegasus", though? I know it auto-corrects because that's the name of a mythological character named Pegasus, but if you write every other species lower case, pegusi shouldn't be any different.
Dinky is a light purple colour, not grey, but still a good chapter.
Also I get this feeling that half the commenters rabbiting on about "show not tell" and whatnot are demented nut jobs.
Not many griffin stories as of late, thought I would drop in to add my half-penny. I noticed, in a passing glance, a long conversation involving editors; I'll try and stay away from grammar corrections unless really bad (I hate "alot"). I found it interesting how the unnamed griffin has lived in Ponyville for around a year and needs Dash to introduce herself. It seemed like an odd greeting for such a small town where Pinkie Pie has parties for everyone and invites the whole town.
Gryphon, not Griffin
1243567
not too be lazy or anything by not writing my own comment, but I agree with everything he had to say about the fiction. You use "you" as the beginning of sentences or just in the fiction far too much. You really need to show us what is happening in the fiction instead of just saying we are doing them. Its the difference between reading a fiction and reading a grocery list. buy this, buy that, then buy this, then this, and oh yeah then buy that.
Example: too much you
You walk into the grocery store: you look around and there is a cute cashier. you decide you will talk to her later when you check out. she has lovely red hair. you make your way down the aisles and grab the items on your list, you think today will be a good day
Example: moderate amount
AS you walk into the grocery clutching your list in your hands, the first thing you notice is the cute cashier working lane seven. With beautiful red locks like that you know you will be checking out there when the time comes, even a moment of speaking with her could set your day off right. Making your way down a few aisles you begin to gather each item off of your least, all the while thinking that today is going to be a good day.
Hey there!
I was browsing through the bronies group that I am a part of on Facebook, and noticed that you had posted a story. Me, being the curious person I am, decided to see what other stories that you have written.
Either way, I just wanted to say great story, but a little rough around the edges. I noticed that you seem to have problems with comma placement, and being a proofreader, I can tell you that most people I proof for have that same problem. What I'm getting at here, is I was wondering if you were interested in me possibly proofing your story.
If you are interested, pm me and we can discuss the details! : )
Never heard of a OC griffon before. Well, aside from JackleApp (Is that how you spell his name?)
Griffon as main character? Most intriging