Do the Duck
Back in the old country, yes I’m still using that, the pegasi of Filocuse had many enemies. There were the minotauran raiders who simply wanted anything that we had, dragons that wished to hoard any amount of wealth we could manage to scrape together, and vicious predators who had a taste for pony flesh. However, worse than all of them combined were the basin ducks.
I hear you mugs laughing, but basin ducks were a menace. They were worse than the average monster because they were personally problematic. A scourge upon the unsuspecting bathers of Filocuse.
Now, before I get into specifics let me tell you about what these no good trouble boys looked like. They were light blue birds that walked on two webbed feet and were covered in mottled dark blue spots. They appeared adorable with those big beady black eyes until they opened their bills and revealed several rows of tiny sharp teeth.
And that there is the kicker. Basin ducks weren’t herbivores like their cousins across the way. No, they were carnivores and they had a rather obsessive love of eggs.
Those goons would pull any graft they could if it meant they got to sate their cravings. No crime was too much if it meant an egg down their gullet.
The type of egg they were most obsessed over though were pegasus eggs.
Before you ask, Filocusan pegasi did not lay eggs and you would be liable to get socked right in the conk if you implied they did. Us pegasi laying eggs was a common insult from the minotaurs and it was an old joke the first time they told it.
Basin ducks were just dumb. They saw ponies with wings, assumed they were some kind of bird, then reached the “logical” conclusion that they simply must lay eggs despite there being no proof of it.
They congregated primarily around the jungle basin, a cavernous complex of several hundred pools of fresh water. The various pools and areas of the basin were divided up by purpose. For example, one group of pools was strictly for the animal inhabitants of the jungle while another was for drawing drinking water.
Now, how these damn fakeloo artists would set up their graft is they would sit by the edges of the designated bathing pools and wait for a mark to appear. They probably assumed we came to ground level when we wanted to lay our imaginary eggs when really us poor saps just wanted to not smell like we’d been rolling around in dung heaps the entire day.
The ducks would then deploy one of two tactics: ‘sneak’ or ‘trick’.
Basin ducks were incredibly quiet when they wanted to be. Could get in and out of any situation without nary a peep and their target none the wiser. This never worked against pegasi though because after so many unsuccessful attempts to gather eggs that don’t exist, they would start to pant everytime they got close to what they thought was their quarry. Nothing creepier than when you’re trying to scrub your back and all you hear is heavy breathing behind you.
Tricks were the more common fare the ducks would employ. One duck would ensure the mark was focused on them by purposefully drawing attention to themselves through knocking over objects and snatching various articles of clothing. Once, a mark’s attention was caught up in the grift, a second duck would sneak up behind the victim and make off with its prized nothing.
Well, not completely true. They almost always managed to bite some fur off the poor victim’s flanks.
After the inevitable failed grift, the basin ducks would then sit within sight of the mark. They would visibly vibrate in place while growling around a beak full of pilfered fur and feathers. You could always tell who the most frequent bathers of Filocuse were by how much fur they still had on their flanks at any given time. Thankfully, we wore togas.
I was ambivalent towards the creepy birds, even pitied them some, until one day I went down to the basin with a good guard buddy of mine for some ‘private time’ together. Stratus was a real keeper. Best pair of wings of any member of the guard and a set of flanks that always had my motor running on full throttle. Spent a lot of downtime with that stallion.
Anyways, we were in the middle of some rather inventive uses of a wash brush and I was just getting ready to start the main event. What I hadn’t realized was that a basin duck had decided I was their next mark and was getting ready to search for some eggs.
That dumb dora managed to get in close just as I was hitting my stride on Stratus. Duck took one look at what was happening and decided that if there were eggs it was going to be a result of whatever was going on between the two groaning stallions.
Needless to say, the bite marks along my pride and joy are still there, and I have never once been able to hit the high note that I did since then when that dumb duck bit me where it hurts. Which is a bit of a shame since I never knew I could hit a high C.
Anyways, we finally managed to resolve the issue a few months afterwards when we made off with some domesticated chickens from a nearby minotauran settlement. The whole raid was mostly due to a general feeling of ‘let’s see how you like it’ after several back to back raids from the minotaurs.
One pegasus then wondered if we could use the eggs produced by the chickens as some form of scapegoat so the basin ducks would just steal those instead of attacking us. We started doing it the next day.
It worked.
Of course, now that the basin ducks were successfully stealing from us, they got smug. They would always try to make it look like they never stole the damn things even though everypony knew it was them. Wherever we placed the eggs in the basin, the ducks would leave behind mane strands to frame some other pony for the crime.
Even better, they would always sit just within sight after stealing said eggs looking as innocent as possible to see if their grift managed to pay off. We mostly just played along and did some dramatic rendition of how terrible it is that they managed to steal our precious pegasus eggs.
The ducks would snicker and waddle off with their prize.
From this behaviour the Filocusans created a new idiom: do the duck. To keep quiet and only observe to avoid taking blame for a crime you may or may not have committed.
I found myself doing a lot of the duck that damn day Sentry took me to that stupid bathhouse.
The Canterlot Castle bathhouse was located several floors below the main ground floor of the castle. The entrance could be found in the lunar wing and was a massive stone arch set before a long winding staircase. One could always know when they were close to the entrance from the presence of thick hot mist rolling through the hallways.
The baths were accessible only by recognized castle staff and enforced by an invisible magic barrier under the stone arch. Any non-staff to attempt entry would find themselves trotting through the compost pit of the solar gardens and thus heading to the public baths shortly after to rid themselves of it.
Upon descending the staircase, everypony or creature would be greeted by a massive cavern of gemstone clusters emitting bright light. The entire space was a combination of naturally formed pools filled by waterfalls of steaming water cascading downwards from overhead and pony made constructions along the outer portion of the cave containing various amenities such as saunas, prewash stations, and changing rooms.
Additionally, the bathhouse was co-ed, and private. It was considered the greatest perk of working at the castle and a favoured hangout spot.
Flash Sentry and Flash Magnus both stood at the bottom of the staircase leading to the bathhouse. Sentry was grinning widely as he surveyed the sparsely populated pools and eventually turned to Magnus with perked ears and tail wagging excitedly.
“So,” Sentry asked, “What do you think?”
“It’s-” Magnus sought the appropriate words from his steam clouded mind. “Big.”
“Sure is,” Sentry replied happily, “Largest bathhouse in Equestria excluding the one in Vanhoover, but that one is really just a bay with an attached spa so it doesn’t count.”
“So, this a bathhouse?”
“Sure is.”
“For washing up?” Magnus turned to Sentry.
Sentry returned his look. “Gotta get rid of the grime somehow.”
“Only for washing up?”
“Until everypony is squeaky clean. Did you not have bathhouses back in your time?”
“We… did have those back in my hometown,” Magnus replied carefully.
“Were they different then the ones we have now?”
Magnus went rigid and turned quickly away to hide his flushed face from Sentry.
The truth of the matter was that bathhouses were a carry over from pegasus culture during the unification of the three tribes. Earth ponies had taken to them quickly, but it was another few centuries before unicorns eventually took the dive and joined their hornless brethren.
When introduced, bathhouses were touted as communal spaces for ponies to gather together and foster bonds of comradery amongst each other through the simple act of bathing. They were very popular among the masses and near every settlement would have a functioning bathhouse within city limits.
If one was to trace their origin through pegasus history, they would find that the practice of communal bathing started in Magnus’ hometown of Filocuse for the same principles as spoken of in modern day. Though, the practice of bathhouse use was somewhat different during the time period.
Sentry knew bathhouses as what they were in modern times. Magnus knew bathhouses as a place one went to have open sex.
Certainly Magnus agreed that bathhouses fostered close relations, but the meaning meant less talking and more sticking it into any number of other ponies or them into himself.
The whole premise was based on a philosophy by the then commander of the Filocusan military that ‘intimacy bred survival.’ Laughed at on initial proposal then lorded over others as fact when it brought forth staggeringly positive results.
Ironically, when one knew exactly which buttons to push to cause your fellow soldier to orgasm three times consecutively in your embrace, it was very easy to fight alongside them and understand their thinking in the heat of battle.
Despite the oddness of any one soldier having slept with the entirety of their unit, Filocusan units were considered the most effective and powerful soldiers in ancient history.
“You could say there are some minor differences in application,” Magnus said.
“Huh, neat. You’ll have to tell me about that sometime.” Magnus made a mental note to never do so. “Anyways, Her Majesty should be here shortly, and when she does we should try to offer her a wash to get closer to her.”
In a desperate attempt to regain his composure, Magnus smirked. “Well done, Sentry. Way to work the sex appeal right on the onset. Never knew you for a high caliber cake-eater.”
“I have my moments.” Sentry grinned at Magnus and fluttered his wings. “Though, Her Majesty won’t be here for a while so we have time to get our pre-wash done.”
“Pre-wash?” Magnus asked.
“We need to soap and clean off before getting into the pools to minimize how much grime gets caught up in the water,” Sentry explained, “And with you here I can finally get the pre-wash done properly without getting scolded.”
Magnus furrowed his brow. “Why would you have not been able to do it properly before?”
“Most of the other guards wouldn’t help me out because of how big I am.” Sentry puffed himself up to his full size to demonstrate then giggled shortly after at his own antics. “But this time you can get to all my hard to reach places.”
Magnus felt his brain shut down for a moment as he processed what Sentry had said. He was sure it wasn’t what he assumed it was since it was Sentry saying it, but the steam and thoughts about Filocusan bathhouses weren’t doing his mind any favours. He kept finding his thoughts wandering to specific ideas and it was starting to have the unfortunate consequence of making him really wish he had a towel on.
“Pardon?” Magnus squeaked.
“You know. Places that are hard to reach because I'm bulky and not a unicorn.” Sentry tilted his head to one side. “Like my back?”
Magnus forcibly removed the sludge from his brain. “Right, your back. That place that is hard to reach because of your wings and being-” Magnus gulped. “Really... big.”
“Yeah.” Sentry looked at Magnus with concern. “Everything jake, Magnus?”
“Oh yeah, everything’s jake, Sentry,” Magnus said in what he hoped sounded confident, “Just trying to get my head in the game,” Magnus then mumbled, “And out of the gutter.”
“Okay,” Sentry replied cheerily, “Come on then. Let’s head to the soap station.”
Sentry trotted with a bounce in his step to the area Magnus presumed were the aforementioned soap stations. Magnus on the other hoof, found himself having to forcibly tear his gaze away from Sentry’s bouncing flanks and suppress several rather raunchy desires of what he wanted to do with said flanks.
Magnus took a deep breath, cleared the errant thoughts from his head, and trotted after Sentry while pointedly only looking at the back of his head.
Hopefully, washing up could help keep his mind clear.
Magnus stared blankly at Sentry’s outstretched back as rivulets poured down it from an overhead showerhead. He had a fur brush in one hoof and was having difficulty processing the situation he had found himself in. Sentry faced away from him, thank whichever princess took pity on him for that, and all Magnus could focus on was the cascading water running down the ridges of Sentry’s hard back muscles.
Magnus actually really had to hoof it to Sentry. Most pegasi neglected their back when working out and, if his trapezius muscles around the wings were any indication, Sentry paid extra attention to those. Every time Sentry re-adjusted his position, Magnus could see those muscles bulge and-
He was losing his train of thought again.
He turned to see his other hoof to find the soap there. He went about scrubbing it along the fur brush to do as Sentry had asked earlier. Another sentence Magnus had needed him to repeat since his mind had gone in a completely different direction when he had asked him to ‘scrub the soap deeply into his back and flanks’.
Magnus was also trying to figure out if he would be able to remove his tail from his underbelly with how much he was using it to cover the evidence of where his mind was currently situated.
“Hey, Magnus,” Sentry called out, “You starting soon?”
This caused Sentry to tilt slightly onto his right side, which gave Magnus a perfect view of his flanks as they rippled in that direction. “Yep, soon. Definitely. Going to do that right now.” Magnus gulped. “Just deciding on my plan of attack, ya know?”
“I don’t really get it since it's just scrubbing my back, but whenever you’re ready I guess,” Sentry said in a questioning tone, “Just make sure to be quick as her Majesty will be here soon.”
“Right, her.” Magnus was surprised by the somewhat vehement tone he used. “She’ll be here soon.”
Magnus saw Sentry’s ears flick momentarily, which Magnus knew meant he was debating whether to ask something.
“You got a question, Bo?”
“No, I’m good.” Magnus could hear the smile as Sentry spoke. “Just try not to rip my fur off.” Sentry chuckled. “Don’t need anymore bald spots after the flambé incident.”
Sentry laid his head down on the stone tile of the soap station as Magnus had heard Sentry call it earlier. Or was it called a pre-wash station? Magnus honestly didn’t care what it was called at that point because it was quickly turning into a living nightmare of embarrassment.
Magnus took a deep breath and focused on the task at hoof. Mainly Sentry’s backside, which was causing a not insignificant amount of turmoil inside of him.
He laid the brush bristles down onto the middle of Sentry’s back and started to gently scrub the fur in a circular motion to ensure the section was fully soaped. Once that area was complete, Magnus let the downpour of water wash it off before moving onto the next part of Sentry’s back.
As he worked, Sentry began humming a tune. Magnus’ ear flicked and a lazy smile spread across his face. He made a note to himself to ask Sentry for the song after this as he quite enjoyed the melody.
He felt himself drift off as he worked, lulled by the steady motions of the brush and melodious tune from Sentry. After an indeterminate amount of time, Magnus realized that the humming had stopped and was replaced by low whimpering moans.
Magnus kept scrubbing until he vaguely became aware that somepony was shouting at him. He was struck by the urgency of words and how out of place they were. He was feeling blissful and couldn’t understand why-
“Magnus!” Sentry yelled.
Magnus jumped as he finally became once again aware of his surroundings. Sentry’s head was turned towards him. His complexion was flushed and he was panting raggedly.
He was confused by Sentry’s look this until he looked down. He noticed that while he had been working, he had managed to reach the end of Sentry’s back, bypassed his tail and had started scrubbing rather forcibly against what was underneath it.
Magnus threw the fur brush backwards away from him and heard a ‘plop’ sound as it hit the water behind them.
“Ah applesauce, Sentry.” Magnus stuttered out as he raised his hooves towards him. “Sorry, I just kinda zoned out and wasn’t-”
“It’s fine,” Sentry interjected as he abruptly stood up from where he had been lying down, “Just maybe don’t do that again next time as we seem to have garnered a bit of an audience.”
Magnus tilted his head in confusion. He looked around and saw that several other nearby bath goers were staring at them with cheeks as bright as tomatoes. One of the stallions gave a shrill whistle.
“Right, right.” Magnus chuckled nervously and used his wings to hide the growing heat in his cheeks. “I’ll keep that one in the ole’ conk. You okay though? Everything jake?”
“If you promise to do that again sometime, yes,” Sentry mumbled.
“What was that?”
“I said ‘everything’s jake’. Oh, look. Her Majesty is here.” Sentry pointed with a wing in the direction of one of the many pools.
Magnus turned to look in the direction Sentry pointed to. Magnus saw Her Majesty soaking in one of the far pools reading a book which hovered in her magic well above the water and hid most of her face.
“Oh, right, Her Majesty. That was the entire point of coming here. So, Sentry what’s-” Magnus stopped as Sentry trotted past him towards Her Majesty.
Magnus galloped after Sentry as he followed him along the edges of other nearby pools. He appeared to be heading towards the waterfall closest to Her Majesty. They were both silent as they trotted together. Sentry determined, Magnus unsure.
“Are you sure everything’s jake, bo?” Magnus broke the quiet.
Sentry’s ears perked at the use of Magnus’ nickname for him. “Yeah, everything really is jake, Mags. I promise.”
Magnus stopped. Sentry did so as well when he realized Magnus wasn’t following and looked back with a wide grin on his face.
“Mags?” Magnus asked incredulously.
“Yeah.” Sentry then hung his head with his ears pinned back. “Do you like it?”
Magnus mulled over the word in his head. “Yeah.” He nodded. “Yeah, I do.” He raised a hoof and glared at Sentry. “But only from you, bo.”
Magnus felt a stirring in his chest as he saw Sentry’s face light up. “Oh, good. I was really worried you wouldn’t, um, Mags.”
Magnus found himself stuck in place as he felt a complex mix of emotions well up inside of him. He couldn’t place them. He couldn’t understand them.
Sentry shuffled awkwardly in place. “Well, since we’re at the waterfall, we’ll take turns appealing to Twilight and ‘work the sex appeal’ like you said.”
Magnus turned and saw that they were in fact at the waterfall. There was a grate underneath from which the water poured into as it was funneled to the various pools around the cavern. Hot mist rolled from the impact point between water and metal.
“Alright, I guess that’s rad, but how are we going to do that?”
Sentry gave a downright lecherous grin that caused a shiver to go down Magnus’ spine. “Really? You have no idea?”
“No, I don’t, bo.” Magnus shuffled in place. “Should I?”
“I guess not. Though, I suppose I’ll have to take the lead this time. Watch closely, Mags.”
Magnus fought back the automatic response of ‘with pleasure’. He instead settled for watching Sentry’s flanks as he trotted towards the waterfall.
He really needed to figure out what had him so out of whack.
Sentry strode towards the waterfall and waved a wing towards Her Majesty. Twilight briefly peered over the edge of her book and returned the wave with a salute of one of her wings. She lowered her gaze once more and continued reading.
Sentry continued his trot until he was under the pounding water of the falls. It cascaded down on him flattening his fur against the underlying skin and outlined every ridge of muscle on his body. Magnus was entranced as Sentry swept his mane back with a wing and released a shower of water behind him that formed a small rainbow from the light of the gemstones.
The display showed off everything. Everything. Magnus was becoming increasingly aware of Sentry’s body and was causing some rather obvious effects under the hood.
Magnus traced the path of the water and came to Sentry’s tail end. He saw Sentry’s tail dripping wet and showing off far more than Magnus was sure Sentry was comfortable showing.
It was driving Magnus absolutely wild.
Magnus was bothered. He was feeling really hot and sweaty. His heart was pounding inside his chest. He was almost certain from what he felt that Sentry wasn’t the only one giving a show.
He looked around and found several other ponies observing Sentry. Magnus felt angry at the looks that he felt were too rakish. He turned back to Sentry. Sentry was looking right at him. Magnus felt his heart skip a beat.
Sentry winked at him as he flexed and spread his wings wide letting the water from above burst on his feathers and break into waves of water.
Then Magnus felt uncomfortable in a different way. He became hyper aware of how many ponies were watching, no, ogling him. They stared at him, filled in the blanks, and, from their biting lips and crossed hooves, liked what they saw.
Magnus abruptly didn’t want Sentry to do this anymore. He was mad. It was the same feeling as when somepony stole food right from under him. He felt cheated. He felt his brow furrow and an overwhelming urge to sock every dumb mug in the room.
He trotted over to Sentry.
“We’re done,” Magnus stated in a dark tone.
“What?” Sentry asked, startled as he furled his wings, “But I was just getting started.”
“And now we’re done!” Magnus exclaimed forcibly. He called out to the onlookers. “We’re done folks! Show’s over.” Magnus turned to a flummoxed Sentry, “We’ll do something else to woo Her Majesty.”
“That’s not fair, Magnus.” Sentry pouted and Magnus felt himself tense. “This was my only idea and we did all of yours.”
“Well, you can still pick the next one. Just pick something that doesn’t draw in so many gawkers.”
Sentry’s ears flattened against his head and he slumped in place. Magnus felt a pang of regret at having been the cause.
Sentry turned towards where Twilight had last been bathing. “Well, Her Majesty is still here so we could-” His head shot up as he failed to spot her. “Applesauce, she left!”
“Language,” Magnus said, “Also, it’s fine we can try something later. It’s not like there’s an explicit time limit in this competition of ours.”
Sentry looked crestfallen as he rapidly scanned over the crowds before turning back towards Magnus. Magnus felt his breath hitch from the watery look in his eyes.
Why was Sentry taking this so hard?
Sentry’s face set into a determined scowl and he stepped out of the waterfall. He shook himself off, to the disgruntlement of everypony around him including Magnus, until dry.
“What are you doing, bo?”
“I’m going to ask Her Majesty out,” Sentry stated determinedly, “now.”
Magnus felt dread grip his insides as they twisted up from Sentry’s declaration. “You’re doing what?”
“I’m asking Twilight out.” Sentry looked at Magnus with a wide grin plastered on his face. “You’re going to hold your end of the bet if she says yes, right Mags?”
Magnus stared blankly in shock at Sentry.
Without waiting any longer, Sentry launched into the air and flew towards the entrance of the bathhouse presumably to chase after his future marefriend.
That was what Magnus wanted from this, right? For Sentry to ask out his crush so they would get together? So his best bud would be happy?
Then why did he feel horrible at the mere thought of that? Why did ‘best bud’ have a sour tang attached to it?
Magnus stared off at Sentry as he ascended up the staircase to the main castle level. Magnus felt a powerful urge to stop him.
He didn’t want him to ask out Twilight.
He wanted Sentry to ask out-
Before he even realized what he was doing, Magnus had leapt, spread his wings, and flew after Sentry.
He was being selfish.
He didn’t care.
He needed to stop his bo from asking out that harlot.
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Loved the chapter, I wnder if Magnus' will really try to sabotage Sentry's effore of will he go all in try to keep sipporting him amd show that the Princess isn't interested or soewing doubt with in him, or will he trying to make sexual teasing while doing more macho show boating. Also if Centry is really 1200 pound, which is in draft horse size practicly, that would make him a full size horse at that weight class, as the bigist classed ponies are arount less then 800 pounds.
Well, well, well.
Spicy.
What more can I say? That's what this darn chapter is. It's great! And this-
Perfect way to end it, alright.
great use of rule of three, you are very good at these hooks!
there's a certain poetry in this line that i love
something about this feels very Douglas Adamsian
just the combination of a hilariously told anecdote, a very whimsical bit of worldbuilding, and an idiom that descended through the latter tie together so well, i could read an entire book of nothing but these little things. it's all so very polished and fun.
yet another fantastic bit of worldbuilding, i presume drawing on the ancient greece-coded culture of the canon Flash Magnus?
you love to see it
i have a feeling it might have the opposite effect!
well, that did not take long
this part coming right after the previous (amazing!) sequence really did make me laugh out loud irl, thank you for this!
agh, feelings!
a moment of obliviousness to undercut the descending mood, i couldn't help but chuckle at this
ah, the feels. been there, buddy.
noooooo Twilight isn't even involved in this, dummy!
LEWD.
Okay, serious comment. This chapter was full of genuine moments for each character but I really love the slow build up from not understanding his feelings to realizing who he really wants to woo. This is great.