Day 1: The Competition
I sigh in comfort as my massage chair gives me good vibes. Celestia’s out to have meetings with her personal baker all day, Frank’s out of my hair for the next twenty minutes, my throne room table is not broken for fucking once, and I am sitting in the lap of luxury. Peace, and quiet. Well, not quiet, since I’m watching the news with a TV set up on top of the giant table. An ad for something rather interesting is playing.
“Yep! That’s right! Real fake traps! They look like traps, but they don’t do anything!” The advertiser says enthusiastically. “No one can sue you for not hurting them!” I hum in interest as a Diamond dog clad in silver armor stumbles in.
“Sir! Ex-Princess Luna is here to see you!” He yells. This is Clash, he got Bones’ position after he left. He’s rather uptight to put it lightly.
“Send her in,” I say lazily. After a moment, Luna walks in, glaring at me. “Wow. I haven’t done anything and I’ve pissed you off today. New record!”
“Cut the crap Anon, where is my sister?!” Luna asks. I raise an eyebrow.
“Fuck if I know, probably going through the insane asylum you call a noble court,” I say. I start watching tv again as Luna rants.
“Anon, she has been missing for over three hours and no pony knows where she is. You and her are dating for who knows what reason and you’re telling us you don’t know where she is!? That is irresponsible and stupid! We refuse to- WILL YOU PAY ATTENTION TO US!?!?” Luna yells. I sigh and look at her.
“Look, Celestia is God knows how old and she was the fucking Princess. You’re telling me she can’t take care of herself? And besides that, believe it or not, I’m not the controlling type in relationships” I say.
“Regardless, aren’t thou the least bit worried?” Luna asks.
“No, not really. If there’s some big bad guy hanging around, then Twilight and the Super Fucks will deal with it. Besides, if you’re so worried, why are you wasting time trying to convince me to do something I’m not in the mood to do?” I ask. Luna huffs before her horn lights up. The tv flashes before the screen goes fuzzy. It falls to the ground, cut in half. “What the fuck was that for!?” I yell. To this, Luna glares.
“Three years ago. Our bucking armor was shot by a bucking tank,” Luna says.
“You waited three fucking years to break a television?” I ask, unamused.
“Who said we aimed for the tv?” She asks, smirking. On cue, the entire stone table slowly falls apart, cut in half in the same manner as the television.
“God fucking dammit! That shit costs money! Why does everyone always break my fucking table!?” I yell. Suddenly, Clash rushes in, out of breath.
“S-sir! Sir! T-there’s a- There are-“ Clash stops as he sees my rage-filled eyes land on him.
“Stutter one more time and I’m sending you to shock therapy to fix it,” I warn, electricity sparking around me. He gulps.
“Aliens!” He blurts out. Luna and I stare at him for a second before looking at each other.
“Ten bits says she’s kidnapped,” I say.
“Thou art on,” Luna replies.
We walk outside, looking up to find a giant television flying in the air. Various residents of this town called Ponyville look up at this spectacle in fear. Suddenly, it turns on, and a silhouette appears on screen. It’s oddly familiar looking, as it’s a similar shape to me. “Greetings Equestrians! My name is Jan, and we are here to free you!” Every pony looks at each other in confusion. “It has come to my people’s that one of our own may be here on this planet. Then, we learned he’s a super villain. To fix this, we at first wanted to just take him, but it seems you have other villains on this planet as well. Villains such as-“ The screen cuts to a photo of Tirek, a red centaur, Chrysalis, a queen changeling, Cozy Glow, an insane middle schooler pony, and Discord, a menagerie accident. “These unlikely dastardly wrong-doers! So, we decided to help! No need to thank us! We are totally cool!” The ponies murmur amongst themselves.
“Now, we realize this must be too good to be true, so we kidnapped your princess to convince her that we’re doing all of you a favor!” With that, Luna sighs as a bag of bits teleports into my waiting hand. “Don’t worry, she’s being taken care of! In any case, we’re taking these villains as well as our target, and none of them will ever bother you again!” All of a sudden, a flash of light blinds me, and I fall on my face.
“Sonova bitch!” I yell, getting up. I look around to see that I’m in a cell, with a weird looking robot eye looking me up and down.
“Ah, you’ve arrived! Awesome sauce! You ready to suffer for your crimes?” It asks enthusiastically. I squint my eyes at it as I stand up.
“Fuck no,” I answer, sending electricity into it. The robot short circuits, and falls to the floor.
“Warning, cell is unattended, Maintainer requested,” a robotic voice calls. I simply walk out of my cell. “WARNING!!! SYSTEM ALERT!!! PRISONER ESCAPED!!!” Throughout the hallways, there are other cells and doors labeled ‘Security’. I smile a little as humanoid robots walk in from the security rooms. “Aggressive force authorized, return to your cell.”
“No, I don’t think I will,” I say, electricity coursing through me, ramping up as I get excited for some action.
Celestia and Jan watch the monitor with different expressions. Celestia is nonplussed, knowing that this would happen. Jan, or rather, his robotic and human-like face, was rather concerned. “Well. That didn’t take long,” he mutters.
“Told you,” Celestia says, as I start fighting on camera, laughing maniacally.
“From what these readings are telling me, his electrokinesis is ridiculously strong. Way too strong for most of my robots,” Jan mutters some more.
“You better make a deal, Anon won’t stop until you either let us go, or give him a reason to stay,” Celestia says. Jan sighs.
“At this rate, I’m going to lose this fight before it even began. This was supposed to be so simple. First take the Princess to safety-“
“Trust me, it’s not safe when Anon’s involved and you’re fighting him,” Celestia cuts in.
“Second, capture and subdue Anon and other villains-“
“I’ve tried holding a bunch of them in one place before. It’s not a good idea,” Celestia cuts in again, recalling when she had done this.
“It’s like, two steps. How could I mess up two steps?”
“You didn’t mess it up, Anon messed it up. He does that a lot,” Celestia dryly notes. Jan looks at her with unamusement.
“Your comments are not helping,” he says.
“Look, Anon’s not going to stop anytime soon, and you aren’t going to have fun when he gets here. You want some helpful advice? Talk with him face to face,” Celestia says. “Just bring me along.”
A group of security bots crowd a door, readying weapons that kind of look like laser guns. “Heat sensor indicates escapee’s presence. Initiating suppression procedure. Take aim.” With that, all the robots went still. Suddenly, the door gets blasted open, sending it crashing into a line of security bots as all the others open fire. However, I walk through the smoke to reveal a shield spell is up. I keep a wide smile as electricity sparks around me.
“Y’all are so stupid,” I say, before sending a force push towards the remaining standing robots. I continue walking when suddenly, a monitor on the wall turns on, showing a robotic human-like face. Then, a flash of light blinds me as Celestia teleports next to me. “Jesus Christ!” I yell, rubbing my eyes,
“Anonymous the Villain, stand down, I want to talk,” Jan says.
“Yeah I bet you sure do,” I say.
“Why yes, I’m fine, thanks for asking,” Celestia inputs sarcastically.
“Didn’t ask,” I reply. I turn my attention back to Jan. “The fuck you wanna talk about?”
“You’re destroying my ship and I haven’t even left the atmosphere, I need to bring you back to my world, and you probably won’t cooperate. I want to make a bargain,” he says.
“What type of bargain?” I ask.
“I want to prove you’re worth bringing back, and I want to weaken you. I propose a tournament to do just that. In the end, you’ll fight me, and if I win, you’ll come back with me. If you win, you return home,” he says. I cross my arms.
“So? Why shouldn’t I just kick your ass right here and now?” I ask.
“Because you’re bored and you want to fight something,” Celestia interjects. I look at her for a moment before sighing.
“Damn, that’s a good point,” I mutter. “… Fine. So, what’s this tournament about?”
“Basically, you fight all of the other villains of Equestria in randomized locations throughout the course of this week. At the end of the week, if you’ve survived, I’ll fight you. You may bring whatever items you can bring for a fight, but the last fight must be based on natural talent,” Jan replies.
“Hm… alright sounds fun,” I admit.
“See, I told you he’d do it,” Celestia says. I look at her in confusion.
“Wait, was it your idea?” I ask. Celestia smiles warmly at me.
“I figured it might be a nice three year anniversary gift. I noticed how bored you’ve seemed and when I got kidnapped, I figured it would be a great opportunity! Do you like it?” She asks. I stare at her for a second before smiling and hugging her tightly.
“You have no idea how much I love you right now,” I say. To this, Jan is visibly confused and disturbed.
“… What in the stars is wrong with you people?” He asks.
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dis gon b gud (sic) (all of the sic forever)
FUCKKKK YEEEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!!,
HEESSSS BACK BITCHESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!
-Sincerely,
Ya Boi Satan
I already feel that Cozy Glow is out of luck. What are the chances of an ordinary child without any distinctive powers. She can only win in chess competitions.
RIP in pieces throne room table
11378684
An "ordinary child" who stole the title of Most Likely To Be Literally Satan from Angel Bunny. If it were anything else, they probably wouldn't have sent a literal schoolfilly to also-literal Hell. Or they at least would have put in a throwaway line about how it's where her only friend lives.
11378888
nevertheless, if we discard her intelligence and cunning, she is unlikely to help her in this situation. How do you imagine fighting her in the arena? Personally, it seems to me that it will be something like beating up a disabled person who cannot fight back.
Nice been waiting for a sequel! Liked and followed... Now to go and read it lol.
Well that was a close call, a letter short, for a second I thought that this being was about to say something like "Assimilate"
Anyway, glad to see that you keep making good stuff my dude.
Please do more.
10/10 so far, want to read more again! No rush though. You great story writer you!
This sounds like the convoluted plot of a fighting game spin-off where they have to justify a bunch of characters fighting against each other in random but rather cool locations. I'm all here for it!
Oh, it's too late to run now, Jan. You've jumped face-first into the train wreck of reality and now have to suffer for making yourself a plotpoint.
Yeeeeees! It returns!
11378684
An ordinary child that know how to make magic circles that have world wide impacts.
HehehehehehHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Jan gonna die
Hahahahahahahaha.... 10/10 first chapter, absolutely love it. :D
Jan is screwed
SWEET a Godzilla Destroy All Monsters based Fic nice!